第4章

"Itshowsthatearnestnessandeffortcanveryeasilyovertakeandpassmeretrainingandtechnicalskill。TheobjectoftheOber-

Ammergau’super’is，nottogetoutsideandhaveadrink，buttohelpforwardthesuccessofthedrama。

"Thegroupings，bothinthescenesoftheplayitselfandinthevarioustableauxthatprecedeeachact，aresuchasIdoubtifanyartistcouldimproveupon。ThetableaushowingthelifeofAdamandEveaftertheirexpulsionfromEdenmakesabeautifulpicture。

FatherAdam，stalwartandsunbrowned，cladinsheepskins，restsforamomentfromhisdelving，towipethesweatfromhisbrow。Eve，stilllookingfairandhappy——thoughIsupposesheoughtnotto，——

sitsspinningandwatchingthechildrenplayingat’helpingfather。’

Thechorusfromeachsideofthestageexplainedtousthatthisrepresentedasceneofwoe，theresultofsin;butitseemedtomethattheAdamfamilywereverycontented，andIfoundmyselfwondering，inmycommon，earthlyway，whether，withalittletroubletodrawthemclosertogether，andsomehonestworktokeepthemfromgettingintomischief，AdamandEvewerenotalmostbetteroffthantheywouldhavebeenmooningaboutParadisewithnothingtodobuttalk。

"InthetableaurepresentingthereturnofthespiesfromCanaan，somefourorfivehundredmen，womenandchildrenaremosteffectivelymassed。Thefeatureoftheforegroundisthesamplebunchofgrapes，borneontheshouldersoftwomen，whichthespieshavebroughtbackwiththemfromthepromisedland。Thesightofthisbunchofgrapes，wearetold，astonishedthechildrenofIsrael。Icanquiteunderstanditsdoingso。Thepictureofitusedtoastonishme，too，whenIwasachild。

"ThesceneofChrist’sentryintoJerusalemsurroundedbythewelcomingmultitude，isawonderfulreproductionoflifeandmovement，andsoalsoisthescene，towardstheend，showinghislastjourneyuptoCalvary。AllJerusalemseemstohaveturnedouttoseehimpassandtofollowhim，themanylaughing，thefewsad。

Thepeoplefillthenarrowstreetstooverflowing，andpressroundthespearsoftheRomanGuard。

"Theythrongthestepsandbalconiesofeveryhouse，theystraintocatchasightofChristaboveeachother’sheads。Theyleapuponeachother’sbackstogainabettervantage-groundfromwhichtohurltheirjeersathim。Theyjostleirreverentlyagainsttheirpriests。Eachindividualman，woman，andchildonthestageacts，andactsinperfectharmonywithalltherest。

"Ofthechiefmembersofthecast——Maier，thegentleandyetkinglyChrist;BurgomasterLang，thestern，revengefulHighPriest;hisdaughterRosa，thesweet-faced，sweet-voicedVirgin;Rendl，thedignified，statesman-likePilate;PeterRendl，thebelovedJohn，withthepurestandmostbeautifulfaceIhaveeverseenuponaman;

oldPeterHett，therugged，loving，weakfriend，Peter;Rutz，theleaderofthechorus（nosinecure，hispost）;andAmalieDeschler，theMagdalen——itwouldbedifficulttospeakintermsoftoohighpraise。Themselvesmerepeasants——Therearethosetwowomenagain，spyingroundourdoor;Iamsureofit！"Iexclaim，breakingoff，andlisteningtothesoundsthatcomefromthenextroom。"Iwishtheywouldgodownstairs;Iambeginningtogetquitenervous。"

"Oh，Idon’tthinkweneedworry，"answersB。"Theyarequiteoldladies，bothofthem。Imetthemonthestairsyesterday。Iamsuretheylookharmlessenough。"

"Well，Idon’tknow，"Ireply。"Weareallbyourselves，youknow。

Nearlyeveryoneinthevillageisatthetheatre，Iwishwehadgotadog。"

B。reassuresme，however，andIcontinue：

"Themselvesmerepeasants，"Irepeat，"theyrepresentsomeofthegreatestfiguresintheworld’shistorywithassimpleadignityandasgrandabearingascouldeverhavebeenexpectedfromtheoriginalsthemselves。Theremustbeanaturalinbornnobilityinthecharacterofthesehighlanders。Theycouldneverassumeoractthatmanneraugrandseigneurwithwhichtheyimbuetheirparts。

"TheonlycharacterpoorlyplayedwasthatofJudas。ThepartofJudasisreallyTHEpartofthepiece，sofarasactingisconcerned;buttheexemplaryhouseholderwhoessayeditseemedtohavenoknowledgeorexperienceofthewaysandmethodsofbadmen。

Thereseemedtobenosideofhischaractersufficientlyinsympathywithwickednesstoenablehimtounderstandandportrayit。Hisamateurattemptsatscoundrelismquiteirritatedme。Itsoundsconceitedtosayso，butIamconvincedIcouldhavegivenamuchmoretruthfulpictureoftheblackguardmyself。

"’Dear，dearme，’Ikeptonsayingundermybreath，’heisdoingitallwrong。Adownrightunmitigatedvillainwouldnevergoonlikethat;hewoulddosoandso，hewouldlooklikethis，andspeaklikethat，andactliketheother。Iknowhewould。Myinstincttellsmeso。’

"Thisactorwasevidentlynotacquaintedwitheventherudimentsofknavery。Iwantedtogetupandinstructhiminthem。Ifeltthattherewerelittlesubtletiesofrascaldom，littletouchesofcriminality，thatIcouldhaveputthatmanupto，whichwouldhavetransformedhisJudasfromwoodennessintobreathinglife。Asitwas，withnooneinthevillageapparentlywhowasworthhissaltasafelontoteachhim，hisperformancewasunconvincing，andJudasbecameafiguretolaughratherthantoshudderat。

"Withthatexception，thewholecompany，fromMaierdowntothedonkey，seemedtobefittedtotheirplaceslikenotesintoamaster’smelody。Itwouldappearasthough，onthebanksoftheAmmer，thehistrionicartistgrewwild。"

"Theyarerealactors，allofthem，"murmursB。enthusiastically，"thewholevillagefull;andtheyalllivehappilytogetherinonesmallvalley，andnevertrytokilleachother。Itismarvellous！"

Atthispoint，wehearasharpknockatthedoorthatseparatesthebefore-mentionedladies’roomfromourown。Webothstartandturnpale，andthenlookateachother。B。isthefirsttorecoverhispresenceofmind。Eliminating，byastrongeffort，alltracesofnervousnessfromhisvoice，hecallsoutinatoneofwonderfulcoolness：

"Yes，whatisit？"

"Areyouinbed？"comesavoicefromtheothersideofthedoor。

"Yes，"answersB。"Why？"

"Oh！Sorrytodisturbyou，butweshallbesogladwhenyougetup。

Wecan’tgodownstairswithoutcomingthroughyourroom。Thisistheonlydoor。Wehavebeenwaitingherefortwohours，andourtraingoesatthree。"

GreatScott！Sothatiswhythepooroldsoulshavebeenhangingroundthedoor，terrifyingusoutofourlives。

"Allright，we’llbeoutinfiveminutes。Sosorry。Whydidn’tyoucalloutbefore？"

FRIDAY，30TH，ORSATURDAY，IAMNOTSUREWHICH

TroublesofaTouristAgent。——HisViewsonTourists。——TheEnglishWomanAbroad。——AndatHome。——TheUgliestCathedralinEurope。——OldMastersandNew。——Victual-and-Drink-Scapes。——TheGermanBand。——A

"BeerGarden。"——NottheWomentoTurnaMan’sHead。——DifficultyofDiningtoMusic。——WhyoneshouldKeepone’sMugShut。

IthinkmyselfitisSaturday。B。saysitisonlyFriday;butIampositiveIhavehadthreecoldbathssinceweleftOber-Ammergau，whichwedidonWednesdaymorning。IfitisonlyFriday，thenI

havehadtwomorningbathsinoneday。Anyhow，weshallknowto-

morrowbytheshopsbeingopenorshut。

WetravelledfromOberauwithatouristagent，andhetoldusallhistroubles。Itseemsthatatouristagentisanordinaryhumanman，andhasfeelingsjustlikewehave。Thishadneveroccurredtomebefore。Itoldhimso。

"No，"hereplied，"itneverdoesoccurtoyoutourists。YoutreatusasifweweremereProvidence，oreventheGovernmentitself。Ifallgoeswell，yousay，whatisthegoodofus，contemptuously;andifthingsgowrong，yousay，whatisthegoodofus，indignantly。I

worksixteenhoursadaytofixthingscomfortablyforyou，andyoucannotevenlooksatisfied;whileifatrainislate，orahotelproprietorovercharges，youcomeandbullyMEaboutit。IfIseeafteryou，youmutterthatIamofficious;andifIleaveyoualone，yougrumblethatIamneglectful。YouswoopdowninyourhundredsuponatinyvillagelikeOber-Ammergauwithouteverlettingusknoweventhatyouarecoming，andthenthreatentowritetotheTimesbecausethereisnotasuiteofapartmentsandahotdinnerwaitingreadyforeachofyou。

"Youwantthebestlodgingsintheplace，andthen，whenatatremendouscostoftrouble，theyhavebeenobtainedforyou，youobjecttopaythepriceaskedforthem。Youalltryandpalmyourselvesofffordukesandduchesses，travellingindisguise。Youhavenoneofyoueverheardofasecond-classrailwaycarriage——

didn’tknowthatsuchthingsweremade。Youwantafirst-classPullmancarreservedforeachtwoofyou。Someofyouhaveseenanomnibusinthedistance，andhavewonderedwhatitwasusedfor。Tosuggestthatyoushouldtravelinsuchaplebeianconveyance，istogiveyouashockthattakesyoutwodaystorecoverfrom。Youexpectaprivatecarriage，withafootmaninlivery，totakeyouthroughthemountains。You，allofyou，musthavethemostexpensiveplacesinthetheatre。Theeight-markandsix-markplacesareeverybitasgoodastheten-markseats，ofwhichthereareonlyaverylimitednumber;butyouaregrosslyinsultedifitishintedthatyoushouldsitinanythingbutthedearestchairs。Ifthevillagerswouldonlybesensibleandchargeyoutenmarksfortheeight-markplacesyouwouldbehappy;buttheywon’t。"

ImustcandidlyconfessthattheEnglish-speakingpeopleonemeetswithontheContinentare，takenasawhole，amostdisagreeablecontingent。OnehardlyeverhearstheEnglishlanguagespokenontheContinent，withouthearinggrumblingandsneering。

Thewomenarethemostobjectionable。ForeignersundoubtedlyseetheverypoorestspecimensofthefemalekindweAnglo-Saxonshavetoshow。TheaveragefemaleEnglishorAmericantouristisrudeandself-assertive，while，atthesametime，ridiculouslyhelplessandawkward。Sheisintenselyselfish，andutterlyinconsiderateofothers;everlastinglycomplaining，and，inherself，drearilyuninteresting。WetravelleddownintheomnibusfromOber-Ammergauwiththreeperfectspecimensofthespecies，accompaniedbytheusualmiserable-lookingman，whohashadallthelifetalkedoutofhim。Theyweregrumblingthewholeofthewayathavingbeenputtorideinanomnibus。Itseemedthattheyhadneverbeensoinsultedintheirlivesbefore，andtheytookcaretoleteverybodyinthevehicleknowthattheyhadpaidforfirst-class，andthatathometheykepttheirowncarriage。Theywerealsoveryindignantbecausethepeopleatthehousewheretheyhadlodgedhadofferedtoshakehandswiththematparting。TheydidnotcometoOber-AmmergautobetreatedontermsoffamiliaritybyGermanpeasants，theysaid。

Therearemanywomenintheworldwhoareineverywaymuchbetterthanangels。Theyaregentleandgracious，andgenerousandkind，andunselfishandgood，inspiteoftemptationsandtrialstowhichmereangelsareneversubjected。Andtherearealsomanywomenintheworldwho，undertheclothes，andnotunfrequentlyunderthetitleofalady，weartheheartofanunderbredsnob。Havingnonaturaldignity，theythinktosupplyitsplacewitharrogance。

Theymistakenoisybounceforself-possession，andsuperciliousrudenessasthesignofsuperiority。Theyencouragethemselvesinsleepystupidityundertheimpressionthattheyareacquiringaristocratic"repose。"Theywouldappeartohavestudied"attitude"

fromthepagesoftheLondonJournal，coquetryfrombarmaids——thecommonerclassofbarmaids，Imean——witfromthree-actfarces，andmannersfromtheservants’-hall。Tobegushinglyfawningtothoseabovethem，andvulgarlyinsolenttoeveryonetheyconsiderbelowthem，istheirideaofthewaytoholdandimprovetheirposition，whateveritmaybe，insociety;andtobebrutallyindifferenttotherightsandfeelingsofeverybodyelseintheworldis，intheiropinion，thehall-markofgentlebirth。

Theyarethewomenyouseeatprivateviews，pushingthemselvesinfrontofeverybodyelse，standingbeforethepicturesothatnoonecangetnearit，andshoutingouttheirsillyopinions，whichtheyevidentlyimaginetobebrilliantlysatiricalremarks，instridenttones：thewomenwho，inthestallsofthetheatre，talkloudlyallthroughtheperformance;andwho，havingarrivedinthemiddleofthefirstact，andmadeasmuchdisturbanceastheyknowhow，beforesettlingdownintheirseats，ostentatiouslygetupandwalkoutbeforethepieceisfinished：thewomenwho，atdinner-partyand"AtHome"——thatcheapestandmostdeadlyuninterestingofalldeadlyuninterestingsocialfunctions——（Youknowthereceiptforafashionable"AtHome，"don’tyou？Takefivehundredpeople，two-

thirdsofwhomdonotknoweachother，andtheotherthirdofwhomcordiallydislikeeachother，packthem，onahotday，intoaroomcapableofaccommodatingforty，leavethemtheretoboreoneanothertodeathforacoupleofhourswithdrawing-roomphilosophyandsecond-handscandal;thengivethemacupofweaktea，andapieceofcrumblycake，withoutanyplatetoeatiton;or，ifitisaneveningaffair，aglassofchampagneoftheyou-don’t-forget-you’ve-

had-it-for-a-weekbrand，andaham-sandwich，andputthemoutintothestreetagain）——candonothingbutmakespitefulremarksabouteverybodywhosenameandaddresstheyhappentoknow：thewomenwho，inthepenny’bus（for，inherowncountry，theladyofthenewschooliswonderfullyeconomicalandbusiness-like），spreadsherselfoutovertheseat，and，lookingindignantwhenatiredlittlemillinergetsin，wouldleavethepoorgirlstandingwithherbundleforanhour，ratherthanmakeroomforher——thewomenwhowritetothepaperstocomplainthatchivalryisdead！

B。，whohasbeenlookingovermyshoulderwhileIhavebeenwritingtheforegoing，afterthemannerofaFamilyHeraldstory-teller’swifeinthelastchapter（fancyamanhavingtowritethestoryofhisearlylifeandadventureswithhiswifelookingoverhisshoulderallthetime！nowonderthetaleslackincident），saysthatIhavebeenlivingtoomuchonsauerkrautandwhitewine;butI

replythatifanythinghastendedtointerfereforaspacewiththedeep-seatedloveandadmirationthat，asarule，Ientertainforallmanandwoman-kind，itishischurchesandpicture-galleries。

WehaveseenenoughchurchesandpicturessinceourreturntoMunichtolastmeforaverylongwhile。Ishallnotgotochurch，whenI

gethomeagain，morethantwiceaSunday，formonthstocome。

TheinhabitantsofMunichboastthattheirCathedralistheugliestinEurope;and，judgingfromappearances，Iaminclinedtothinkthattheclaimmustbeadmitted。Anyhow，iftherebeanuglierone，IhopeIamfeelingwellandstrongwhenIfirstcatchsightofit。

Asforpicturesandsculptures，Iamthoroughlytiredofthem。ThegreatestartcriticlivingcouldnotdislikepicturesandsculpturesmorethanIdoatthismoment。Webeganbyspendingawholemorningineachgallery。Weexaminedeachpicturecritically，andarguedwitheachotheraboutits"form"and"colour"and"treatment"and"perspective"and"texture"and"atmosphere。"Igenerallysaiditwasflat，andB。thatitwasoutofdrawing。Astrangeroverhearingourdiscussionswouldhaveimaginedthatweknewsomethingaboutpainting。Wewouldstandinfrontofacanvasfortenminutes，drinkingitin。Wewouldwalkroundit，soastogettheproperlightuponitandtobetterrealisetheartist’saim。Wewouldbackawayfromitontothetoesofthepeoplebehind，untilwereachedthecorrect"distance，"andthensitdownandshadeoureyes，andcriticiseitfromthere;andthenwewouldgoupandputournosesagainstit，andexaminetheworkmanshipindetail。

ThisishowweusedtolookatpicturesintheearlystagesofourMunichartstudies。Nowweusepicturegalleriestopractisespurtsin。

IdidahundredyardsthismorningthroughtheoldPantechniconintwenty-twoandahalfseconds，which，forfairheel-and-toewalking，Iconsiderverycreditable。B。tookfive-eighthsofasecondlongerforthesamedistance;butthenhedawdledtolookataRaphael。

The"Pantechnicon，"Ishouldexplain，isthenamewehave，forourownpurposes，giventowhattheMunichersprefertocallthePinakothek。WecouldneverpronouncePinakothekproperly。Wecalledit"Pynniosec，""Pintactec，"andthe"HappyTack。"B。onedayafterdinnercalleditthe"PennyCock，"andthenwebothgotfrightened，andagreedtofixupsomesensible，practicalnameforitbeforeanymischiefwasdone。Wefinallydecidedon"Pantechnicon，"whichbeginswitha"P，"andisadignified，old-

establishedname，andonethatwecanbothpronounce。Itisquiteaslong，andnearlyasdifficulttospell，beforeyouknowhow，astheother，addedtowhichithasahomelysound。Itseemedtobetheveryword。

TheoldPantechniconisdevotedtotheworksoftheoldmasters;I

shallnotsayanythingaboutthese，asIdonotwishtodisturbinanywaythecriticalopinionthatEuropehasalreadyformedconcerningthem。Ipreferthattheartschoolsoftheworldshouldjudgeforthemselvesinthematter。Iwillmerelyremarkhere，forpurposesofreference，thatIthoughtsomeofthepicturesverybeautiful，andthatothersIdidnotcarefor。

Whatstruckmeasmostcuriousabouttheexhibitionwasthenumberofcanvasesdealingwithfoodstuffs。Twenty-fivepercent。ofthepicturesintheplaceseemtohavebeenpaintedasadvertisementsforsomebody’shome-grownseeds，orascolouredsupplementstobegivenawaywiththesummernumberoftheleadinggardeningjournaloftheperiod。

"Whatcouldhaveinducedtheseoldfellows，"IsaidtoB。，"tochoosesuchveryuninterestingsubjects？Whoonearthcarestolookatthelife-sizedportraitofacabbageandapeckofpeas，oratthesenodoubtmasterlyrepresentationsofacutfromthejointwithbreadandvegetables？Lookatthat’Viewinaham-and-beefshop，’

No。7063，sizesixtyfeetbyforty。Itmusthavetakentheartistacoupleofyearstopaint。Whodidheexpectwasgoingtobuyit？

AndthatChristmas-hampersceneoverinthecorner;wasitpainted，doyouthink，bysomepoor，half-starveddevil，whothoughthewouldhavesomethingtoeatinthehouse，ifitwereonlyapictureofit？"

B。saidhethoughtthattheexplanationwasthattheancientpatronsofartweregentrywithaverystrongideaofthefitnessofthings。

For"theirchurchesandcathedrals，"saidB。，"theyhadpaintedallthosevirginsandmartyrsandover-fedangelsthatyouseeeverywhereaboutEurope。Fortheirbedrooms，theyorderedthose——

well，thosebedroomsortofpictures，thatyoumayhavenoticedhereandthere;andthenIexpecttheyusedthesevictual-and-drink-

scapesfortheirbanquetinghalls。Itmusthavebeenlikeagin-

and-bitterstothem，thesightofallthatfood。"

InthenewPantechniconisexhibitedthemodernartofGermany。

Thisappearedtometobeexceedinglypoorstuff。ItseemedtobelongtotheillustratedChristmasnumberschoolofart。Itwasgood，sound，respectableworkenough。Therewasplentyofcolouraboutit，andyoucouldtellwhateverythingwasmeantfor。Butthereseemednoimagination，noindividuality，nothought，anywhere。

Eachpicturelookedasthoughitcouldhavebeenproducedbyanyonewhohadstudiedandpractisedartfortherequisitenumberofyears，andwhowasnotabornfool。Atallevents，thisismyopinion;

and，asIknownothingwhateveraboutart，Ispeakwithoutprejudice。

OnethingIhaveenjoyedatMunichverymuch，andthathasbeenthemusic。TheGermanbandthatyouhearinthesquareinLondonwhileyouaretryingtocomposeanessayonthecivilisinginfluenceofmusic，isnotthesortofbandthatyouhearinGermany。TheGermanbandsthatcometoLondonarebandsthathavefledfromGermany，inordertosavetheirlives。InGermany，thesebandswouldbeslaughteredatthepublicexpenseandtheirbodiesgiventothepoorforsausages。ThebandsthattheGermanskeepforthemselvesaremagnificentbands。

MunichofallplacesinthenowunitedFatherland，has，Isuppose，thegreatestreputationforitsmilitarybands，andthecitizensareallowed，notonlytopayforthem，buttohearthem。Twoorthreetimesadayindifferentpartsofthecityoneoranotherofthemwillbeplayingprobonopublico，and，intheevening，theyareloanedoutbytheauthoritiestotheproprietorsofthebigbeer-

gardens。

"Go"anddasharethechiefcharacteristicsoftheirmethod;but，whenneeded，theycanproducefromthebattered，time-worntrumpets，whichhavebeenhandeddownfromplayertoplayersincetheregimentwasfirstformed，notesassoftandfullandclearasanythatcouldstartfromthestringsofsomeoldviolin。

TheGermanbandinGermanyhastoknowitsbusinesstobelistenedtobyaGermanaudience。TheBavarianartisanorshopkeeperunderstandsandappreciatesgoodmusic，asheunderstandsandappreciatesgoodbeer。Youcannotimposeuponhimwithaninferiorarticle。Amusic-hallaudienceinMunichareveryparticularastohowtheirbelovedWagnerisrendered，andthetriflesfromMozartandHaydnthattheylovetotakeinwiththeirsausagesandsalad，andwhich，whenperformedtotheirsatisfaction，theywillthunderouslyapplaud，mustnotbetakenlibertieswith，ortheywillknowthereasonwhy。

TheGermanbeer-gardenshouldbevisitedbyeveryonewhowouldseetheGermanpeopleaswellastheirchurchesandcastles。Itisherethattheworkersofallkindscongregateintheevening。Here，afterthelaboursoftheday，comethetradesmanwithhiswifeandfamily，theyoungclerkwithhisbetrothedand——alsohermother，alackandwell-a-day！——thesoldierwithhissweetheart，thestudentsintwosandthrees，thelittlegrisettewithhercousin，theshop-

boyandtheworkman。

Herecomegrey-hairedDarbyandJoan，and，overthemugofbeertheysharebetweenthem，theysitthinkingofthechildren——oflittleLisa，marriedtocleverKarl，whoispushinghiswayinthefar-offlandthatliesacrossthegreatsea;oflaughingElsie，settledinHamburg，whohasgrandchildrenofherownnow;offair-hairedFranz，hismother’spet，whofellinsunnyFrance，fightingforthefatherland。Atthenexttablesitsablushing，happylittlemaid，fullofhaughtyairsandgraces，suchasmaybeexcusedtoalittlemaidwhohasjustsavedanodoubtpromising，butatpresentsomewhatawkward-looking，youthfromlifelongmisery，ifnotmadnessandsuicide（dependuponit，thatisthealternativeheputbeforeher），byatlastcondescendingtogivehimtheplumplittlehand，thathe，thinkingnobodyseeshim，holdssotightlybeneaththetable-cloth。Opposite，afamilygroupsitdiscussingomelettesandabottleofwhitewine。Thefathercontented，good-humoured，andlaughing;thesmallchildgraveandsolemn，eatinganddrinkinginbusiness-likefashion;themothersmilingatboth，yetnotforgettingtoeat。

IthinkonewouldlearntolovetheseGermanwomenifonelivedamongthemforlong。Thereissomethingsosweet，sowomanly，sogenuineaboutthem。Theyseemtoshedaroundthem，fromtheirbright，good-temperedfaces，ahealthyatmosphereofallthatishomely，andsimple，andgood。Lookingintotheirquiet，steadfasteyes，onedreamsofwhitehouseholdlinen，foldedingreatpresses;

ofsweet-smellingherbs;ofsavoury，appetisingthingsbeingcookedforsupper;ofbright-polishedfurniture;ofthepatteroftinyfeet;oflittlehigh-pitchedvoices，askingsillyquestions;ofquiettalksinthelamp-litparlourafterthechildrenareinbed，uponimportantquestionsofhousemanagementandhomepolitics，whilelongstockingsarebeingdarned。

Theyarenotthesortofwomentoturnaman’shead，buttheyarethesortofwomentolayholdofaman’sheart——verygentlyatfirst，sothathehardlyknowsthattheyhavetouchedit，andthen，withsoft，clingingtendrilsthatwrapthemselvestighterandtighteryearbyyeararoundit，anddrawhimcloserandcloser——

till，as，onebyone，thefalsevisionsandhotpassionsofhisyouthfadeaway，theplainhomelyfigurefillsmoreandmorehisdays——tillitgrowstomeanforhimallthebetter，morelasting，truepartoflife——tillhefeelsthatthestrong，gentlemother-

naturethathasstoodsolongbesidehimhasbeenweldedfirmlyintohisown，andthattheytwainarenowatlastonefinishedwhole。

Wehadourdinneratabeer-gardenthedaybeforeyesterday。Wethoughtitwouldbepleasanttoeatanddrinktotheaccompanimentofmusic，butwefoundthatinpracticethiswasnotso。Todinesuccessfullytomusicneedsaverystrongdigestion——especiallyinBavaria。

ThebandthatperformsataMunichbeer-gardenisnotthesortofbandthatcanbeignored。ThemembersofaMunichmilitarybandarebig，broad-chestedfellows，andtheyarenotafraidofwork。Theydonottalkmuch，andtheyneverwhistle。Theykeepalltheirbreathtodotheirdutywith。Theydonotblowtheirveryhardest，forfearofburstingtheirinstruments;butwhateverpressuretothesquareinchthetrumpet，cornet，ortrombone，asthecasemaybe，iscalculatedtobecapableofsustainingwithoutpermanentinjury（andtheyaretolerablysoundandwell-seasonedutensils），thatpressuretheconscientiousGermanbandsmanputsuponeachsquareinchofthetrumpet，cornet，ortrombone，asthecasemaybe。

IfyouarewithinamileofaMunichmilitaryband，andarenotstonedeaf，youlistentoit，anddonotthinkofmuchelse。Itcompelsyourattentionbyitsmerenoise;itdominatesyourwholebeingbyitssheerstrength。YourmindhastofollowitasthefeetofthelittlechildrenfollowedtheplayingofthePiedPiper。

Whateveryoudo，youhavetodoinunisonwiththeband。Allthroughourmealwehadtokeeptimewiththemusic。

Weateoursouptoslowwaltztime，withtheresultthateveryspoonfulwascoldbeforewegotituptoourmouth。Justasthefishcame，thebandstartedaquickpolka，andtheconsequenceofthatwasthatwehadnottimetopickoutthebones。Wegulpeddownwhitewinetothe"Blacksmith’sGalop，"andifthetunehadlastedmuchlongerweshouldbothhavebeenblinddrunk。Withtheadventofoursteaks，thebandstruckupaselectionfromWagner。

IknowofnomodernEuropeancomposersodifficulttoeatbeefsteaktoasWagner。Thatwedidnotchokeourselvesisamiracle。

Wagner’sorchestrationismosttryingtofollow。Wehadtogiveupallideaofmustard。B。triedtoeatabitofbreadwithhissteak，andgotmosthopelesslyoutoftune。IamafraidIwasalittleflatmyselfduringthe"Valkyries’Ride。"Mysteakwasratherunderdone，andIcouldnotworkitquicklyenough。

AftergettingoutsidehardbeefsteaktoWagner，puttingawaypotatosaladtothegardenmusicoutofFaustwascomparativelysimple。

Onceortwiceasliceofpotatostuckinourthroatduringaveryhighnote，but，onthewhole，ourrenderingwasfairlyartistic。

WerattledoffasweetomelettetoasymphonyinG——orF，orelseK;

Iwon’tbepositiveastothepreciseletter;butitwassomethinginthealphabet，Iknow——andboltedourcheesetotheballetmusicfromCarmen。AfterwhichwerolledaboutinagoniestoallthenationalairsofEurope。

IfeveryouvisitaGermanbeer-hallorgarden——tostudycharacteroranythingofthatkind——becareful，whenyouhavefinisheddrinkingyourbeer，toshutthecoverofthemugdowntight。Ifyouleaveitwiththecoverstandingopen，thatistakenasasignthatyouwantmorebeer，andthegirlsnatchesitawayandbringsitbackrefilled。

B。andIverynearlyhadanaccidentonewarmnight，owingtoourignoranceofthiscustom。Eachtimeafterwehadswallowedthequart，weleftthepot，standingbeforeuswiththecoverup，andeachtimeitwas，inconsequence，takenaway，andbroughtbacktous，brimmingfullagain。Afteraboutthesixthtime，wegentlyremonstrated。

"Thisisverykindofyou，mygoodgirl，"B。said，"butreallyI

don’tthinkweCAN。Idon’tthinkweoughtto。Youmustnotgoondoingthissortofthing。Wewilldrinkthisonenowthatyouhavebroughtit，butwereallymustinsistonitsbeingthelast。"

Afteraboutthetenthtimeweexpostulatedstillmorestrongly。

"Now，youknowwhatItoldyoufourquartsago！"remarkedB。，severely。"Thiscan’tgoonforever。Somethingseriouswillbehappening。WearenotusedtoyourGermanschoolofdrinking。Weareonlyforeigners。Inourowncountryweareconsideredratherswaggeratthiselbow-raisingbusiness，andforthecreditofoldEnglandwehavedoneourbest。Butnowtheremustbeanendtoit。

Isimplydeclinetodrinkanymore。No，donotpressme。Notevenanothergallon！"

"Butyoubothsittherewithbothyourmugsopen，"repliesthegirlinaninjuredtone。

"Whatdoyoumean，’wesitwithourmugsopen’？"asksB。"Can’twehaveourmugsopenifwelike？"

"Ah，yes，"sheexplainspathetically;"butthenIthinkyouwantmorebeer。Gentlemenalwaysopentheirmugswhentheywantthemfilledwithbeer。"

Wekeptourmugsshutafterthat。

MONDAY，JUNE9TH

ALongChapter，buthappilytheLast。——ThePilgrims’Return。——A

DesertedTown。——Heidelberg。——TheCommon，orBed，Sheet，ConsideredasaTowel。——B。GrappleswithaContinentalTimeTable。——AnUntractableTrain。——AQuickRun。——TrainsthatStartfromNowhere。——

TrainsthatArriveatNowhere。——TrainsthatDon’tDoAnything。——B。

GoesMad。——RailwayTravellinginGermany。——B。isTakenPrisoner。——

HisFortitude。——AdvantagesofIgnorance。——FirstImpressionsofGermanyandoftheGermans。

WeareatOstend。Ourpilgrimagehasended。WesailforDoverinthreehours’time。Thewindseemsratherfresh，buttheysaythatitwilldroptowardstheevening。Ihopetheyarenotdeceivingus。

WearedisappointedwithOstend。WethoughtthatOstendwouldbegayandcrowded。Wethoughtthattherewouldbebandsandtheatresandconcerts，andbusytable-d’hotes，andlivelysands，andthrongedparades，andprettygirlsatOstend。

IboughtastickandanewpairofbootsatBrusselsonpurposeforOstend。

Theredoesnotseemtobealivingvisitorintheplacebesidesourselves——noradeadoneeither，thatwecanfind。Theshopsareshutup，thehousesaredeserted，thecasinoisclosed。Notice-

boardsareexhibitedoutsidethehotelstotheeffectthatthepolicehavestrictorderstotakeintocustodyanybodyfoundtrespassinguponordamagingthepremises。

Wefoundonerestaurantwhichlookedalittlelesslikeamorguethandidtheotherrestaurantsinthetown，andrangthebell。

Afterwehadwaitedforaboutaquarterofanhour，anoldwomanansweredthedoor，andaskeduswhatwewanted。Wesaidasteakandchippedpotatoesfortwo，andacoupleoflagers。Shesaidwouldwecallagaininaboutafortnight’stime，whenthefamilywouldbeathome？Shedidnotherselfknowwherethethingswerekept。

Wewentdownontothesandsthismorning。Wehadnotbeenwalkingupanddownformorethanhalfanhourbeforewecameacrossthedistinctimprintofahumanfoot。Someonemusthavebeentherethisveryday！Wewereagooddealalarmed。Wecouldnotimaginehowhecamethere。Theweatheristoofineforshipwrecks，anditwasnotapartofthecoastwhereanypassingtraderwouldbelikelytoland。Besides，ifanyonehaslanded，whereishe？Wehavebeenabletofindnotraceofhimwhatever。Tothishour，wehaveneverdiscoveredwhoourstrangevisitantwas。

Itisaverymysteriousaffair，andIamgladwearegoingaway。

WehavebeentravellingaboutagooddealsinceweleftMunich。WewentfirsttoHeidelberg。WearrivedearlyinthemorningatHeidelberg，afteranall-nightjourney，andthefirstthingthattheproprietoroftheRoyalsuggested，onseeingus，wasthatweshouldhaveabath。Weconsentedtotheoperation，andwereeachshownintoalittlemarblebath-room，inwhichIfeltlikeabitoutofapicturebyAlmaTadema。

Thebathwasveryrefreshing;butIshouldhaveenjoyedthewholethingmuchbetteriftheyhadprovidedmewithsomethingmoresuitabletowipeuponthanathinlinensheet。TheGermansholdverycuriousnotionsastotheneedsandrequirementsofawetman。

Iwishtheywouldoccasionallywashandbaththemselves，andthentheywould，perhaps，obtainmorepracticalideasuponthesubject。

Ihavewipeduponasheetincasesofemergency，andsoIhaveuponapairofsocks;butthereisnodoubtthattheproperthingisatowel。Todryoneselfuponasheetneedsspecialtrainingandunusualagility。ANautchGirloraDancingDervishwould，nodoubt，getthroughtheperformancewithcredit。Theywouldtwirlthesheetgracefullyroundtheirhead，drawitlightlyacrosstheirback，twistitinwavingfoldsroundtheirlegs，wrapthemselvesforamomentinitswhirlingmaze，andthenlightlyskipawayfromit，dryandsmiling。

Butthatisnotthemannerinwhichthedripping，untaughtBritonattemptstowipehimselfuponasheet。Themethodheadoptsis，toclutchthesheetwithbothhands，leanupagainstthewall，andrubhimselfwithit。Intryingtogetthethingroundtothebackofhim，hedropshalfofitintothewater，andfromthatmomentthebathroomisnotbigenoughtoenablehimtogetawayforaninstantfromthatwethalf。Whenheiswipingthefrontofhimselfwiththedryhalf，thewethalfclimbsroundbehind，and，inaspiritofoffensivefamiliarity，slapshimontheback。Whileheisstoopingdownrubbinghisfeet，itthrowsitselfwithdeliriousjoyaroundhishead，andheisblackinthefacebeforehecanstruggleawayfromitsembrace。Whenheisleastexpectinganythingofthekind，itfliesroundandgiveshimaplayfulflickuponsomeparticularlytenderpartofhisbodythatsendshimspringingwithayelltenfeetupintotheair。Thegreatdelightofthesheet，asawhole，istotriphimupwheneverheattemptstomove，soastohearwhathesayswhenhesitsdownsuddenlyonthestonefloor;andifitcanthrowhimintothebathagainjustashehasfinishedwipinghimself，itfeelsthatlifeisworthlivingafterall。

WespenttwodaysatHeidelberg，climbingthewoodedmountainsthatsurroundthatpleasantlittletown，andthatafford，fromtheirrestaurantorruin-crownedsummits，enchanting，far-stretchingviews，throughwhich，withmanyaturnandtwist，thedistantRhineandnearerNeckarwind;orstrollingamongthecrumblingwallsandarchesofthegrand，history-loggedwreckthatwasoncethenoblestcastleinallGermany。

Westoodinawedadmirationbeforethe"GreatTun，"whichisthechiefobjectofinterestinHeidelberg。Whatthereisofinterestinthesightofabigbeer-barrelitisdifficult，inone’scalmermoments，tounderstand;buttheguidebooksaysthatitisathingtobeseen，andsoallwetouristsgoandstandinarowandgapeatit。Weareasheep-headedlot。If，byaprinter’serror，nomentionweremadeintheguidebookoftheColosseum，weshouldspendamonthinRome，andnotthinkitworthgoingacrosstheroadtolookat。Iftheguidebooksayswemustbynomeansomittopayavisittosomefamouspincushionthatcontainselevenmillionpins，wetravelfivehundredmilesonpurposetoseeit！

FromHeidelbergwewenttoDarmstadt。Wespenthalf-an-houratDarmstadt。Whyweeverthoughtofstoppinglongerthere，Idonotknow。Itisapleasantenoughtowntolivein，Ishouldsay;bututterlyuninterestingtothestranger。Afteronewalkroundit，wemadeinquiriesastothenexttrainoutofit，andbeinginformedthatonewasthenonthepointofstarting，wetumbledintoitandwenttoBonn。

FromBonn（whencewemadeoneortwoRhineexcursions，andwhereweascendedtwenty-eight"blessedsteps"onourknees——thechapelpeoplecalledthem"blessedsteps;"WEdidn’t，afterthefirstfourteen）wereturnedtoCologne。FromColognewewenttoBrussels;

fromBrusselstoGhent（wherewesawmorefamouspictures，andheardthemighty"Roland"ring"o’erlagoonandlakeofsand"）。FromGhentwewenttoBruges（whereIhadthesatisfactionofthrowingastoneatthestatueofSimonStevin，whoaddedtothemiseriesofmyschool-days，byinventingdecimals），andfromBrugeswecameonhere。

Findingoutandarrangingourtrainshasbeenafearfulwork。I

haveleftthewholebusinesswithB。，andhehaslosttwostoneoverit。IusedtothinkatonetimethatmyowndearnativeBradshawwasasufficientlyhardnutforthehumanintellecttocrack;or，totransposethesimile，thatBradshawwassufficienttocrackanordinaryhumannut。ButdearoldBradshawisanaxiominEuclidforstone-wallobviousness，comparedwithathroughContinentaltime-

table。EverymorningB。hassatdownwiththebookbeforehim，and，graspinghisheadbetweenhishands，hastriedtounderstanditwithoutgoingmad。

"Hereweare，"hehassaid。"Thisisthetrainthatwilldoforus。

LeavesMunichat1。45;getstoHeidelbergat4——justintimeforacupoftea。"

"GetstoHeidelbergat4？"Iexclaim。"Doesthewholedistanceintwoandaquarterhours？Why，wewereallnightcomingdown！"

"Well，thereyouare，"hesays，pointingtothetime-table。

"Munich，depart1。45;Heidelberg，arrive4。"

"Yes，"Isay，lookingoverhisshoulder;"butdon’tyouseethe4isinthicktype？Thatmeans4inthemorning。"

"Oh，ah，yes，"hereplies。"Inevernoticedthat。Yes，ofcourse。

No！itcan’tbethateither。Why，thatwouldmakethejourneyfourteenhours。Itcan’ttakefourteenhours。No，ofcoursenot。

That’snotmeantforthicktype，that4。That’sthintypegotalittlethick，that’sall。"

"Well，itcan’tbe4thisafternoon，"Iargue。"Itmustbe4to-

morrowafternoon！That’sjustwhataGermanexpresstrainwouldliketodo——takeawholedayoverasixhours’job！"

Hepuzzlesforawhile，andthenbreaksoutwith：

"Oh！Iseeitnow。Howstupidofme！ThattrainthatgetstoHeidelbergat4comesfromBerlin。"

Heseemedquitedelightedwiththisdiscovery。

"What’sthegoodofittous，then？"Iask。

Thatdepresseshim。

"No，itisnotmuchgood，I’mafraid，"heagrees。"ItseemstogostraightfromBerlintoHeidelbergwithoutstoppingatMunichatall。Wellthen，wheredoesthe1。45goto？Itmustgosomewhere。"

Fiveminutesmoreelapse，andthenheexclaims：

"Dratthis1。45！Itdoesn’tseemtogoanywhere。Munichdepart1。45，andthat’sall。Itmustgosomewhere！"

Apparently，however，itdoesnot。ItseemstobeatrainthatstartsoutfromMunichat1。45，andgoesoffontheloose。

Possibly，itisayoung，romantictrain，fondofmystery。Itwon’tsaywhereit’sgoingto。Itprobablydoesnotevenknowitself。Itgoesoffinsearchofadventure。

"Ishallstartoff，"itsaystoitself，"at1。45punctually，andjustgoonanyhow，withoutthinkingaboutit，andseewhereIgetto。"

Ormaybeitisaconceited，headstrongyoungtrain。Itwillnotbeguidedoradvised。ThetrafficsuperintendentwantsittogotoSt。

PetersburgortoParis。Theoldgrey-headedstation-masterargueswithit，andtriestopersuadeittogotoConstantinople，oreventoJerusalemifitlikesthatbetter——urgesitto，atallevents，makeupitsmindwhereitISgoing——warnsitofthedangertoyoungtrainsofhavingnofixedaimorobjectinlife。Otherpeople，askedtousetheirinfluencewithit，havetalkedtoitlikeafather，andhavebeggedit，fortheirsakes，togotoKamskatka，orTimbuctoo，orJericho，accordingastheyhavethoughtbestforit;

andthen，findingthatittakesnonoticeofthem，havegotwildwithit，andhavetoldittogotostillmoredistantplaces。

Buttoallcounselandentreatyithasturnedadeafear。

"Youleavemealone，"ithasreplied;"IknowwhereI’mgoingto。

Don’tyouworryyourselfaboutme。Youmindyourownbusiness，allofyou。Idon’twantalotofoldfoolstellingmewhattodo。I

knowwhatI’mabout。"

Whatcanbeexpectedfromsuchatrain？Thechancesarethatitcomestoabadend。Iexpectitisrecognisedafterwards，abroken-

down，unloved，friendless，oldtrain，wanderingaimlessanddespisedinsomefar-offcountry，musingwithbitterregretuponthedaywhen，fulloffoolishprideandambition，itstartedfromMunich，withitsboilernicelyoiled，at1。45。

B。abandonsthis1。45ashopelessandincorrigible，andcontinueshissearch。

"Hulloa！what’sthis？"heexclaims。"Howwillthisdous？LeavesMunichat4，getstoHeidelberg4。15。That’squickwork。Somethingwrongthere。Thatwon’tdo。Youcan’tgetfromMunichtoHeidelberginaquarterofanhour。Oh！Iseeit。That4o’clockgoestoBrussels，andthenontoHeidelbergafterwards。Getsinthereat4。15to-morrow，Isuppose。IwonderwhyitgoesroundbyBrussels，though？ThenitseemstostopatPragueforeversolong。

Oh，damnthistimetable！"

Thenhefindsanothertrainthatstartsat2。15，andseemstobeanidealtrain。Hegetsquiteenthusiasticoverthistrain。

"Thisisthetrainforus，oldman，"hesays。"Thisisasplendidtrain，really。Itdoesn’tstopanywhere。"

"DoesitGETanywhere？"Iask。

"Ofcourseitgetssomewhere，"herepliesindignantly。"It’sanexpress！Munich，"hemurmurs，tracingitscoursethroughthetimetable，"depart2。15。Firstandsecondclassonly。Nuremberg？

No;itdoesn’tstopatNuremberg。Wurtzburg？No。FrankfortforStrasburg？No。Cologne，Antwerp，Calais？Well，wheredoesitstop？Confoundit！itmuststopsomewhere。Berlin，Paris，Brussels，Copenhagen？No。Uponmysoul，thisisanothertrainthatdoesnotgoanywhere！ItstartsfromMunichat2。15，andthat’sall。Itdoesn’tdoanythingelse。"

ItseemstobeahabitofMunichtrainstostartoffinthispurposelessway。Apparently，theirsoleobjectistogetawayfromthetown。Theydon’tcarewheretheygoto;theydon’tcarewhatbecomesofthem，solongastheyescapefromMunich。

"Forheaven’ssake，"theysaytothemselves，"letusgetawayfromthisplace。Don’tletusbotheraboutwhereweshallgo;wecandecidethatwhenweareoncefairlyoutside。Let’sgetoutofMunich;that’sthegreatthing。"

B。beginstogrowquitefrightened。Hesays：

"Weshallneverbeabletoleavethiscity。TherearenotrainsoutofMunichatall。It’saplottokeepushere，that’swhatitis。

Weshallneverbeabletogetaway。WeshallneverseedearoldEnglandagain！"

ItrytocheerhimupbysuggestingthatperhapsitisthecustominBavariatoleavethedestinationofthetraintothetasteandfancyofthepassengers。Therailwayauthoritiesprovideatrain，andstartitoffat2。15。Itisimmaterialtothemwhereitgoesto。

Thatisaquestionforthepassengerstodecideamongthemselves。

Thepassengershirethetrainandtakeitaway，andthereisanendofthematter，sofarastherailwaypeopleareconcerned。Ifthereisanydifferenceofopinionbetweenthepassengers，owingtosomeofthemwishingtogotoSpain，whileotherswanttogethometoRussia，they，nodoubt，settlethematterbytossingup。

B。，however，refusestoentertainthistheory，andsayshewishesI

wouldnottalksomuchwhenIseehowharassedheis。That’sallthethanksIgetfortryingtohelphim。

Heworriesalongforanotherfiveminutes，andthenhediscoversatrainthatgetstoHeidelbergallright，andappearstobeinmostrespectsamodeltrain，theonlythingthatcanbeurgedagainstitbeingthatitdoesnotstartfromanywhere。

ItseemstodropintoHeidelbergcasuallyandthentostopthere。

OneexpectsitssuddenadventalarmsthepeopleatHeidelbergstation。Theydonotknowwhattomakeofit。Theportergoesuptothestation-master，andsays：

"Begpardon，sir，butthere’sastrangetraininthestation。"

"Oh！"answersthestation-master，surprised，"wherediditcomefrom？"

"Don’tknow，"repliestheman;"itdoesn’tseemtoknowitself。"

"Dearme，"saysthestation-master，"howveryextraordinary！Whatdoesitwant？"

"Doesn’tseemtowantanythingparticular，"repliestheother。

"It’sacurioussortoftrain。Seemstobeabitdotty，ifyouaskme。"

"Um，"musesthestation-master，"it’sarumgo。Well，Isupposewemustletitstophereabitnow。Wecanhardlyturnitoutanightlikethis。Oh，letitmakeitselfcomfortableinthewood-shedtillthemorning，andthenwewillseeifwecanfinditsfriends。"

AtlastB。makesthediscoverythattogettoHeidelbergwemustgotoDarmstadtandtakeanothertrainfromthere。Thisknowledgegiveshimrenewedhopeandstrength，andhesetstoworkafresh——

thistime，tofindtrainsfromMunichtoDarmstadt，andfromDarmstadttoHeidelberg。

"Hereweare，"hecries，afterafewminutes’hunting。"I’vegotit！"（Heisofabuoyantdisposition。）"Thiswillbeit。LeavesMunich10，getstoDarmstadt5。25。LeavesDarmstadtforHeidelberg5。20，getsto——"

"Thatdoesn’tallowusmuchtimeforchanging，doesit？"Iremark。

"No，"hereplies，growingthoughtfulagain。"No，that’sawkward。

Ifitwereonlytheotherwayround，itwouldbeallright，oritwoulddoifourtraingottherefiveminutesbeforeitstime，andtheotheronewasalittlelateinstarting。"

"Hardlysafetoreckononthat，"Isuggest;andheagreeswithme，andproceedstolookforsomemorefitabletrains。

Itwouldappear，however，thatallthetrainsfromDarmstadttoHeidelbergstartjustafewminutesbeforethetrainsfromMunicharrive。Itlooksquitepointed，asthoughtheytriedtoavoidus。

B。’sintellectgenerallygiveswayaboutthispoint，andhebecomessimplydrivelling。HediscoverstrainsthatrunfromMunichtoHeidelberginfourteenminutes，bywayofVeniceandGeneva，withhalf-an-hour’sintervalforbreakfastatRome。Herushesupanddownthebookinpursuitofdemonexpressesthatarriveattheirdestinationsforty-sevenminutesbeforetheystart，andleaveagainbeforetheygetthere。Hefindsout，allbyhimself，thattheonlywaytogetfromSouthGermanytoParisistogotoCalais，andthentaketheboattoMoscow。Beforehehasdonewiththetimetable，hedoesn’tknowwhetherheisinEurope，Asia，Africa，orAmerica，norwherehewantstogetto，norwhyhewantstogothere。

ThenIquietly，butfirmly，takethebookawayfromhim，anddresshimforgoingout;andwetakeourbagsandwalktothestation，andtellaporterthat，"Please，wewanttogotoHeidelberg。"Andtheportertakesusonebyeachhand，andleadsustoaseatandtellsustositthereandbegood，andthat，whenitistime，hewillcomeandfetchusandputusinthetrain;andthishedoes。

Thatismymethodoffindingouthowtogetfromoneplacetoanother。Itisnotasdignified，perhaps，asB。’s，butitissimplerandmoreefficacious。

ItisslowworktravellinginGermany。TheGermantraindoesnothurryorexciteitselfoveritswork，andwhenitstopsitlikestotakearest。WhenaGermantraindrawsupatastation，everybodygetsoutandhasawalk。Theengine-driverandthestokercrossoverandknockatthestation-master’sdoor。Thestation-mastercomesoutandgreetsthemeffusively，andthenrunsbackintothehousetotellhiswifethattheyhavecome，andshebustlesoutandalsowelcomesthemeffusively，andthefourstandchattingaboutoldtimesandfriendsandthestateofthecrops。Afterawhile，theengine-driver，duringapauseintheconversation，looksathiswatch，andsaysheisafraidhemustbegoing，butthestation-

master’swifewon’thearofit。

"Oh，youmuststopandseethechildren，"shesays。"Theywillbehomefromschoolsoon，andthey’llbesodisappointediftheyhearyouhavebeenhereandgoneawayagain。Lizziewillneverforgiveyou。"

Theengine-driverandthestokerlaugh，andsaythatunderthosecircumstancestheysupposetheymuststop;andtheydoso。

Meanwhilethebooking-clerkhasintroducedtheguardtohissister，andsuchaverypromisingflirtationhasbeentakingplacebehindtheticket-officedoorthatitwouldnotbesurprisingifwedding-

bellswereheardintheneighbourhoodbeforelong。

Thesecondguardhasgonedownintothetowntotryandselladog，andthepassengersstrollabouttheplatformandsmoke，orpartakeofalightmealintherefreshment-room——thepoorerclassesregalingthemselvesuponhotsausage，andthemoredaintyuponsoup。Wheneverybodyappearstobesufficientlyrested，amoveonwardissuggestedbytheengine-driverortheguard，andifallareagreeabletotheproposalthetrainstarts。

TremendousexcitementwascausedduringourjourneybetweenHeidelbergandDarmstadtbythediscoverythatweweretravellinginanexpresstrain（theycalleditan"express："itjoggedalongattherateoftwentymilesanhourwhenitcouldbegottomoveatall;mostofitstimeitseemedtobehalfasleep）withslow-traintickets。ThetrainwasstoppedatthenextstationandB。wasmarchedoffbetweentwostern-lookinggold-lacedofficialstoexplainthemattertoastern-lookinggold-lacedstation-master，surroundedbythreestern-lookinggold-lacedfollowers。Thescenesuggestedadrum-headcourt-martial，andIcouldseethatB。wasnervous，thoughoutwardlycalmandbrave。Heshoutedbackalight-

heartedadieutomeashepasseddowntheplatform，andaskedme，iftheworsthappened，tobreakitgentlytohismother。

However，noharmcameofit，andhereturnedtothecarriagewithoutastainuponhischaracter，hehavingmadeitcleartothesatisfactionofthecourt——firstly，Thathedidnotknowthatourticketswereonlyslow-traintickets;secondly，Thathewasnotawarethatwewerenottravellingbyaslowtrain;andthirdly，Thathewasreadytopaythedifferenceinthefares。

Heblamedhimselfforhavingdonethislast，however，afterwards。

HeseemedtothinkthathecouldhaveavoidedthisexpensebyassumingignoranceoftheGermanlanguage。Hesaidthattwoyearsago，whenhewastravellinginGermanywiththreeothermen，theauthoritiescamedownupontheminmuchthesamewayfortravellingfirst-classwithsecond-classtickets。

WhytheyweredoingthisB。didnotseemabletoexplainveryclearly。Hesaidthat，ifherecollectedrightly，theguardhadtoldthemtogetintoafirst-class，orelsetheyhadnothadtimetogetintoasecond-class，orelsetheydidnotknowtheywerenotinasecond-class。Imustconfesshisexplanationappearedtometobesomewhatlame。

Anyhow，theretheywereinafirst-classcarriage;andtherewasthecollectoratthedoor，lookingindignantlyattheirsecond-classtickets，andwaitingtohearwhattheyhadtosayforthemselves。

OneoftheirpartydidnotknowmuchGerman，butwhatlittlehedidknowhewasveryproudofandlikedtoair;andthisonearguedthematterwiththecollector，andexpressedhimselfinGermansowellthatthecollectorunderstoodanddisbelievedeverywordhesaid。

Hewasalso，onhispart，able，withalittletrouble，tounderstandwhatthecollectorsaid，whichwasthathemustpayeighteenmarks。

Andhehadto。

Asfortheotherthree，twoatalleventsofwhomwereexcellentGermanscholars，theydidnotunderstandanything，andnobodycouldmakethemunderstandanything。Thecollectorroaredatthemforabouttenminutes，andtheysmiledpleasantlyandsaidtheywantedtogotoHanover。Hewentandfetchedthestation-master，andthestation-masterexplainedtothemforanothertenminutesthat，iftheydidnotpayeighteenshillingseach，heshoulddotheGermanequivalentforsummonsingthem;andtheysmiledandnodded，andtoldhimthattheywantedtogotoHanover。Thenaveryimportant-

lookingpersonageinacocked-hatcameup，andwasveryangry;andheandthestation-masterandthecollectortookitinturnstoexplaintoB。andhistwofriendsthestateofthelawonthematter。

Theystormedandraged，andthreatenedandpleadedforaquarterofanhourorso，andthentheygotsick，andslammedthedoor，andwentoff，leavingtheGovernmenttolosethefifty-fourmarks。

WepassedtheGermanfrontieronWednesday，andhavebeeninBelgiumsince。

IliketheGermans。B。saysIoughtnottoletthemknowthis，becauseitwillmakethemconceited;butIhavenofearofsucharesult。Iamsuretheypossesstoomuchcommon-sensefortheirheadstobeturnedbypraise，nomatterfromwhom。

B。alsosaysthatIamdisplayingmoreenergythanprudenceinforminganopinionofapeoplemerelyfromafewweeks’travelamongstthem。Butmyexperienceisthatfirstimpressionsarethemostreliable。

Atallevents，inmycasetheyare。Ioftenarriveatquitesensibleideasandjudgments，onthespurofthemoment。ItiswhenIstoptothinkthatIbecomefoolish。

Ourfirstthoughtsarethethoughtsthataregiventous;oursecondthoughtsarethethoughtsthatwemakeforourselves。Iprefertotrusttotheformer。

TheGermansareabig，square-shouldered，deep-chestedrace。Theydonottalkmuch，butlookasthoughtheythought。Likeallbigthings，theyareeasy-goingandgood-tempered。

Anti-tobacconists，teetotallers，andsuch-likefaddists，wouldfarebadlyinGermany。AGermanhasnoanti-naturenotionsastoitsbeingwickedforhimtoenjoyhislife，andstillmorecriminalforhimtoletanybodyelseenjoytheirs。Helikeshishugepipe，andhelikeshismugofbeer，andasthesebecomeemptyhelikestohavethemfilledagain;andhelikestoseeotherpeoplelikeTHEIRpipeandTHEIRmugofbeer。IfyouweretogodancingroundaGerman，shriekingoutentreatiestohimtosignapledgethathewouldneverdrinkanotherdropofbeeragainaslongashelived，hewouldaskyoutorememberthatyouweretalkingtoaman，nottoachildoranimbecile，andhewouldprobablyimpresstherequestuponyoubyboxingyourearsforyourimpertinence。Hecanconducthimselfsensiblywithoutmakinganassofhimself。Hecanbe"temperate"

withouttyingbitsofcolouredribbonallabouthimselftoadvertisethefact，andwithoutrushingupanddownthestreetwavingabannerandyellingaboutit。

TheGermanwomenarenotbeautiful，buttheyarelovableandsweet;

andtheyarebroad-breastedandbroad-hipped，likethemothersofbigsonsshouldbe。Theydonotseemtotroublethemselvesabouttheir"rights，"butappeartobeverycontentedandhappyevenwithoutvotes。Thementreatthemwithcourtesyandtenderness，butwithnoneofthatexaggerateddeferencethatoneseesamongmorepetticoat-riddennations。TheGermansarewomenlovers，notwomenworshippers;andtheyarenotworriedbyanydoubtsastowhichsexshallruletheState，andwhichstopathomeandmindthechildren。

TheGermanwomenarenotpoliticiansandmayorsandcountycouncillors;theyarehousewives。

AllclassesofGermansarescrupulouslypolitetooneanother;butthisistheresultofmutualrespect，notofsnobbery。Thetramcarconductorexpectstobetreatedwithpreciselythesamecourtesythathetenders。TheCountraiseshishattotheshopkeeper，andexpectstheshopkeepertoraisehishattohim。

TheGermansareheartyeaters;buttheyarenot，liketheFrench，fussyandfinickyovertheirfood。TheirstomachisnottheirGod;

andthecook，withhissaucesandpatesandragouts，isnottheirHighPriest。Solongasthedishiswholesome，andthereissufficientofit，theyaresatisfied。

InthemeresensuousartsofpaintingandsculpturetheGermansarepoor，intheennoblingartsofliteratureandmusictheyaregreat;

andthisfactprovidesakeytotheircharacter。

Theyareasimple，earnest，homely，genuinepeople。Theydonotlaughmuch;butwhentheydo，theylaughdeepdown。Theyareslow，butsoisadeepriver。Aplacidlookgenerallyrestsupontheirheavyfeatures;butsometimestheyfrown，andthentheylooksomewhatgrim。

AvisittoGermanyisatonictoanEnglishman。WeEnglisharealwayssneeringatourselves，andpatriotisminEnglandisregardedasastampofvulgarity。TheGermans，ontheotherhand，believeinthemselves，andrespectthemselves。Theworldforthemisnotplayedout。Theircountrytothemisstillthe"Fatherland。"Theylookstraightbeforethemlikeapeoplewhoseeagreatfutureinfrontofthem，andarenotafraidtogoforwardtofulfilit。

GOOD-BYE，SIR（ORMADAM）。