第12章

Billylookednow，notforwhatshewanted，butforwhatshecouldfind。Andshefound：somecoldroastlamb，atwhichsheturneduphernose；

anuncookedbeefsteak，whichsheappropriateddoubtfully；arawturnipandaheadoflettuce，whichshehailedwithglee；andsomebeets，potatoes，onions，andgrapefruit，fromallofwhichshetookageneroussupply。Thusladenshewentbacktothekitchen。

Spreaduponthetabletheymadeabraveshow。

Oh，well，I’llhavequiteadinner，afterall，’

shetriumphed，cockingherheadhappily。Andnowforthedessert，’shefinished，pouncingonthecookbook。

Itwaswhileshewasturningtheleavestofindthepiesandpuddingsthatsheranacrossthevegetablesandfoundthewordbeets’staringherintheface。Mechanicallyshereadthelinebelow。

Winterbeetswillrequirethreehourstocook。

Usehotwater。’

Billy’sstartledeyessoughttheclock。

Threehours——anditwasfive，now!

Frenziedly，then，sheranherfingerdownthepage。

Onions，oneandone-halfhours。Usehotwater。Turnipsrequirealongtime，butifcutthintheywillcookinanhourandaquarter。’

Anhourandaquarter，indeed!’shemoaned。

Isn’tthereanythinganywherethatdoesn’ttakeforevertocook？’

Earlypeas……greencorn……summersquash……’mumbledBilly’sdrylips。

ButwhatdofolkseatinJanuary——_January_？’

Itwastheapparentlyinoffensivesentence，Newpotatoeswillboilinthirtyminutes，’

thatbroughtfreshterrortoBilly’ssoul，andsethertoflutteringthecookbookleaveswithrenewedhaste。Ifittook_new_potatoesthirtyminutestocook，howlongdidittakeoldones？Invainshesearchedfortheanswer。Therewereplentyofpotatoes。Theyweremashed，whipped，scalloped，creamed，fried，andbroiled；theyweremadeintopuffs，croquettes，potatoborder，andpotatosnow。Formanyofthesetheywereboiledfirst——untiltender，’onerulesaid。

Butthatdoesn’ttellmehowlongittakestoget’emtender，’fumedBilly，despairingly。I

supposetheythinkanybodyoughttoknowthat——butIdon’t!’Suddenlyhereyesfelloncemoreontheinstructionsforboilingturnips，andherfacecleared。Ifithelpstocutturnipsthin，whynotpotatoes？’shecried。I_can_dothat，anyhow；andIwill，’shefinished，withasighofrelief，asshecaughtuphalfadozenpotatoesandhurriedintothepantryforaknife。Afewminuteslater，thepotatoes，peeled，andcutalmosttowaferthinness，weredumpedintoabasinofcoldwater。

There!nowIguessyou’llcook，’noddedBillytothedishinherhandasshehurriedtothestove。

Chilledbyanominousunresponsiveness，Billyliftedthestovelidandpeeredinside。Onlyamassofblackandgrayingcoalsgreetedher。Thefirewasout。

Tothinkthatevenyouhadtogobackonmelikethis!’upbraidedBilly，eyeingthedismalmasswithreproachfulgaze。

Thisdisaster，however，asBillyknew，wasnotsogreatasitseemed，fortherewasstillthegasstove。Intheolddays，underDongLing’srule，therehadbeennogasstove。DongLingdisapprovedofdevilstoves’thathadnocoalee，nowoodee，butburnedlikehellee。’Eliza，however，didapproveofthem；andnotlongafterherarrival，afineonehadbeenputinforheruse。SonowBillysoonhadherpotatoeswithabriskblazeunderthem。

Infranticearnest，then，Billywenttowork。

Brushingthediscardedonions，turnip，andbeetsintoapailunderthetable，shewasstillconfrontedwiththebeefsteak，lettuce，andgrapefruit。

Allbutthebeefsteakshepushedtoonesidewithgentlepats。

You’reallright，’shenoddedtothem。I

canuseyou。Youdon’thavetobecooked，blessyourhearts!But_you_——!’BillyscowledatthebeefsteakandranherfingerdowntheindexoftheBride’sHelper’——Billyknewhowtohandlethatbooknow。

No，youdon’t——notforme!’shemuttered，afteraminute，shakingherfingeratthetenderloinonthetable。Ihaven’tgotany`hotcoals，’andIthoughta`gridiron’waswheretheyplayedfootball；thoughitseemsit’ssomesortofadishtocookyouin，here——butIshouldn’tknowitfromateaspoon，probably，ifIshouldseeit。No，sir!It’sbacktotherefrigeratorforyou，andanicecoldsensibleroastlegoflambforme，thatdoesn’thavetobecooked。Understand？

_Cooked_，’shefinished，asshecarriedthebeefsteakawayandtookpossessionofthehithertodespisedcoldlamb。

OncemoreBillymadeamadsearchthroughcupboardsandshelves。Thistimesheborebackintriumphacanofcorn，anotheroftomatoes，andaglassjarofpreservedpeaches。Inthekitchenacheerybubblingfromthepotatoesonthestovegreetedher。Billy’sspiritsrosewiththesteam。

There，Spunkie，’shesaidgaylytothecat，whohadjustuncurledfromanapbehindthestove。TellmeIcan’tgetupadinner!Andmaybewe’llhavethepeachfritters，too，shechirped。I’vegotthepeach-part，anyway。’

ButBillydidnothavethepeachfritters，afterall。Shegotoutthesugarandtheflour，tobesure，andshemadeagreatadolookinguptherule；butahurriedglanceattheclocksentherintothedining-roomtosetthetable，andallthoughtofthepeachfritterswasgivenup。

AtfiveminutesofsixBertramandCalderwellcame。Bertramgavehispeculiarringandlethimselfinwithhislatchkey；butBillydidnotmeethiminthehall，norinthedrawing-room。

Excusinghimself，Bertramhurriedup-stairs。

Billywasnotinherroom，noranywhereonthatfloor。ShewasnotinWilliam’sroom。Comingdown-stairstothehallagain，BertramconfrontedWilliam，whohadjustcomein。

Where’sBilly？’demandedtheyounghusband，withjustatouchofirritation，asifhesuspectedWilliamofhavingBillyinhispocket。

Williamstaredslightly。

Why，Idon’tknow。Isn’tshehere？’

I’llaskPete，’frownedBertram。

Inthedining-roomBertramfoundnoone，thoughthetablewasprettilyset，andshowedhalfagrapefruitateachplace。Inthekitchen——inthekitchenBertramfoundadinofrattlingtin，anodorofburnedfood——，aconfusionofscatteredpotsandpans，afrightenedcatwhopeeredathimfromunderalitteredstove，andaflushed，disheveledyoungwomaninabluedust-capandruffledapron，whomhefinallyrecognizedashiswife。

Why，Billy!’hegasped。

Billy，whowasstrugglingwithsomethingatthesink，turnedsharply。

BertramHenshaw，’shepanted，Iusedtothinkyouwerewonderfulbecauseyoucouldpaintapicture。IevenusedtothinkIwasalittlewonderfulbecauseIcouldwriteasong。

Well，Idon’tanymore!ButI’lltellyouwho_is_

wonderful。It’sElizaandRosa，andalltherestofthosewomenwhocangetamealontothetableallatonce，soit’sfittoeat!’

Why，Billy!’gaspedBertramagain，fallingbacktothedoorhehadclosedbehindhim。

Whatintheworlddoesthismean？’

Mean？ItmeansI’mgettingdinner，’chokedBilly。Can’tyousee？’

But——Pete!Eliza!’

They’resick——Imeanhe’ssick；andIsaidI’ddoit。I’dbeanoak。ButhowdidIknowtherewasn’tanythinginthehouseexceptstuffthattookhourstocook——onlypotatoes？AndhowdidIknowthat_they_cookedinnotime，andthengotallsmushyandwetstayinginthewater？

AndhowdidIknowthateverythingelsewouldstickonandburnontillyou’dusedeverydishtherewasinthehousetocook’emin？’

Why，Billy!’gaspedBertram，forthethirdtime。Andthen，becausehehadbeenmarriedonlysixmonthsinsteadofsixyears，hemadethemistakeoftryingtoarguewithawomanwhosenerveswerealreadyatthesnappingpoint。

But，dear，itwassofoolishofyoutodoallthis!

Whydidn’tyoutelephone？Whydidn’tyougetsomebody？’

Likeaniratelittletigress，Billyturnedatbay。

BertramHenshaw，’sheflamedangrily，ifyoudon’tgoup-stairsandtendtothatmanupthere，Ishall_scream_。Nowgo!I’llbeupwhenI

can。’

AndBertramwent。

Itwasnotsoverylong，afterall，beforeBillycameintogreetherguest。Shewasnotstatelyandimposinginroyallysumptuousbluevelvetandermine；noryetwasshecozyandhomyinbronze-goldcrpedeChineandswan’s-down。

Shewasjustherselfinaprettylittlemorninghousegownofbluegingham。Shewasminusthedust-capandtheruffledapron，butshehadadabofflourontheleftcheek，andasmutchofcrockonherforehead。Shehad，too，acutfingeronherrighthand，andaburnedthumbonherleft。ButshewasBilly——andbeingBilly，sheadvancedwithabrightsmileandheldoutacordialhand——

notevenwincingwhenthecutfingercameunderCalderwell’sheartyclasp。

I’mgladtoseeyou，’shewelcomedhim。

You’llexcusemynotappearingsooner，I’msure，for——didn’tBertramtellyou？——I’mplayingBridgetto-night。Butdinnerisreadynow，andwe’llgodown，please，’shesmiled，asshelaidalighthandonherguest’sarm。

Behindher，Bertram，rememberingthesceneinthekitchen，staredinsheeramazement。Bertram，itmightbementionedagain，hadbeenmarriedsixmonths，notsixyears。

WhatBillyhadintendedtoserveforasimpledinner’thatnightwas：grapefruitwithcherries，oysterstew，boiledhalibutwitheggsauce，chickenpie，squash，onions，andpotatoes，peachfritters，alettuceandstuff’salad，andsomenewpieorpudding。Whatshedidservewas：grapefruit(withoutthecherries)，coldroastlamb，potatoes(amushofsogginess)，tomatoes(canned，andslightlyburned)，corn(canned，andverymuchburned)，lettuce(plain)；andfordessert，preservedpeachesandcake(thelatterratherdryandstale)。SuchwasBilly’sdinner。

Thegrapefruiteverybodyate。Thecoldlambtoo，metwithaheartyreception，especiallyafterthepotatoes，corn，andtomatoeswereserved——

andtasted。Outwardly，throughitall，Billywasgayetyitself。Inwardlyshewasburningupwithangerandmortification。Andbecauseshewasallthis，therewas，apparently，nolimittoherlaughterandsparklingreparteeasshetalkedwithCalderwell，herguest——theguestwho，accordingtoheroriginalplans，wastobeshownhowhappysheandBertramwere，whatagoodwifeshemade，andhowdevotedand_satisfied_Bertramwasinhishome。

William，pickingathisdinner——asonlyahungrymancanpickatadinnerthatisuneatable——

watchedBillywithapuzzled，uneasyfrown。Bertram，chokingoverthefewmouthfulsheate，markedhiswife’sanimatedfaceandCalderwell’sabsorbedattention，andsettledintogloomysilence。

Butitcouldnotcontinueforever。Thepreservedpeacheswereeatenatlast，andthestalecakeleft。(Billyhadforgottenthecoffee——

whichwasjustaswell，perhaps。)Thenthefourtrailedup-stairstothedrawing-room。

Atnineo’clockananxiousElizaandaremorseful，apologeticPetecamehomeanddescendedtothehorrortheonceorderlykitchenanddining-

roomhadbecome。Atten，Calderwell，withveryevidentreluctance，torehimselfawayfromBilly’sgaybadinage，andsaidgoodnight。Attwominutespastten，anexhausted，nerve-rackedBillywastryingtocryontheshouldersofbothUncleWilliamandBertramatonce。

There，there，child，don’t!Itwentoffallright，’pattedUncleWilliam。

Billy，darling，’pleadedBertram，pleasedon’tcryso!AsifI’deverletyoustepfootinthatkitchenagain!’

AtthisBillyraisedatear-wetface，aflamewithindignantdetermination。

AsifI’deverletyoukeepme_from_it，BertramHenshaw，afterthis!’shecontested。I’mnotgoingtodoanotherthinginallmylifebut_cook!_WhenIthinkofthestuffwehadtoeat，afterallthetimeItooktogetit，I’msimplycrazy!

DoyouthinkI’druntheriskofsuchathingasthiseverhappeningagain？’