第7章

voices，andbythelight-Icraveyourpardon-bythetwilightofthreevilecandlesfilteredthroughthemediumofmymosquitobar。Badinkbeingoftheparty，Iwritequiteblindfold，andcanonlyhopeyoumaybegrantedtoreadthatwhichIamunabletoseewhilewriting。

IsaidIwastired；itisamildphrase；mybackachesliketoothache；whenIshutmyeyestosleep，IknowIshallseebeforethem-aphenomenontowhichbothFannyandIarequiteaccustomed-endlessvividdeepsofgrassandweed，eachplantparticularanddistinct，sothatIshalllieinertinbody，andtransactforhoursthementalpartofmydaybusiness，choosingthenoxiousfromtheuseful。AndinmydreamsIshallbehaulingonrecalcitrants，andsufferingstingsfromnettles，stabsfromcitronthorns，fierybitesfromants，sickeningresistancesofmudandslime，evasionsofslimyroots，deadweightofheat，suddenpuffsofair，suddenstartsfrombird-callsinthecontiguousforest-somemimickingmyname，somelaughter，somethesignalofawhistle，andlivingoveragainatlargethebusinessofmyday。

ThoughIwritesolittle，Ipassallmyhoursoffield-workincontinualconverseandimaginarycorrespondence。Iscarcepullupaweed，butIinventasentenceonthemattertoyourself；itdoesnotgetwritten；AUTANTENEMPORTENTLES

VENTS；buttheintentisthere，andforme(insomesort)thecompanionship。To-day，forinstance，wehadagreattalk。I

wastoiling，thesweatdrippingfrommynose，inthehotfitafterasquallofrain:methoughtyouaskedme-frankly，wasIhappy。Happy(saidI)；Iwasonlyhappyonce；thatwasatHyeres；itcametoanendfromavarietyofreasons，declineofhealth，changeofplace，increaseofmoney，agewithhisstealingsteps；sincethen，asbeforethen，Iknownotwhatitmeans。ButIknowpleasurestill；pleasurewithathousandfaces，andnoneperfect，athousandtonguesallbroken，athousandhands，andallofthemwithscratchingnails。HighamongtheseIplacethisdelightofweedingoutherealonebythegarrulouswater，underthesilenceofthehighwood，brokenbyincongruoussoundsofbirds。Andtakemylifeallthrough，lookatitforeandback，andupsidedown，-thoughIwouldveryfainchangemyself-Iwouldnotchangemycircumstances，unlessitweretobringyouhere。

AndyetGodknowsperhapsthisintercourseofwritingservesaswell；andIwonder，wereyouhereindeed，wouldIcommunesocontinuallywiththethoughtofyou。Isay’Iwonder’foraform；Iknow，andIknowIshouldnot。

Sofar，andmuchfurther，theconversationwent，whileI

gropedinslimeafterviscousroots，nursingandsparinglittlespearsofgrass，andretreating(evenwithoutcry)

fromtheprodofthewildlime。IwonderifanyonehadeverthesameattitudetoNatureasIhold，andhaveheldforsolong？Thisbusinessfascinatesmelikeatuneorapassion；

yetallthewhileIthrillwithastrongdistaste。Thehorrorofthething，objectiveandsubjective，isalwayspresenttomymind；thehorrorofcreepingthings，asuperstitioushorrorofthevoidandthepowersaboutme，thehorrorofmyowndevastationandcontinualmurders。Thelifeoftheplantscomesthroughmyfingertips，theirstrugglesgotomyheartlikesupplications。Ifeelmyselfblood-

boltered；thenIlookbackonmyclearedgrass，andcountmyselfanallyinafairquarrel，andmakestoutmyheart。

ItisbutalittlewhilesinceIlaysickinSydney，beatingthefieldsaboutthenavyandDeanSwiftandDryden’sLatinhymns；judgeifIlovethisreinvigoratingclimate，whereI

canalreadytoiltillmyheadswimsandeverystringinthepoorjumpingJack(ashenowliesinbed)acheswithakindofyearningstrain，difficulttosufferinquiescence。

Asformydamnedliterature，Godknowswhatabusinessitis，grindingalongwithoutascrapofinspirationoranoteofstyle。Butithastobeground，andthemillgrindsexceedingslowlythoughnotparticularlysmall。Thelasttwochaptershavetakenmeconsiderablyoveramonth，andtheyarestillbeneathpity。ThisIcannotcontinue，timenotsufficing；andthenextwilljusthavetobeworse。AllthegoodIcanexpressisjustthis；someday，whenstylerevisitsme，theywillbeexcellentmattertorewrite。Ofcourse，myoldcureofachangeofworkwouldprobablyanswer，butIcannottakeitnow。Thetreadmillturns；and，withakindofdesperatecheerfulness，Imounttheidlestair。Ihaven’ttheleastanxietyaboutthebook；unlessI

die，Ishallfindthetimetomakeitgood；buttheLorddelivermefromthethoughtoftheLetters！However，theLordhasotherthingsonhand；andaboutsixto-morrow，I

shallresumetheconsiderationpractically，andface(asbestImay)thefactofmyincompetenceanddisaffectiontothetask。ToilIdonotspare；butfortunerefusesmesuccess。

Wecandomore，Whatever-his-name-was，wecandeserveit。

Butmymisdesertbeganlongsince，bytheacceptationofabargainquiteunsuitabletoallmymethods。

To-dayIhavehadaqueerexperience。Mycarterhasfromthefirstbeenusingmyhorsesforhisownends；whenIleftforSydney，Iputhimonhishonourtocease，andmybackwasscarceturnederehewasforfeit。Ihaveonlybeenwaitingtodischargehim；andto-dayanoccasionarose。IamsomuchTHEOLDMANVIRULENT，soreadilystumbleintoanger，thatI

gaveadealofconsiderationtomybearing，anddecidedatlasttoimitatethatofthelate。Whateverhemighthavetosay，thiseminentlyeffectivecontroversialistmaintainedafrozendemeanourandajeeringsmile。Thefrozendemeanourisbeyondmyreach；butIcouldtrythejeeringsmile；didso，perceiveditsefficacy，keptinconsequencemytemper，andgotridofmyfriend，myselfcomposedandsmilingstill，hewhiteandshakinglikeanaspen。Hecouldexplaineverything；Isaiditdidnotinterestme。Hesaidhehadenemies；Isaidnothingwasmorelikely。Hesaidhewascalumniated；withallmyheart，saidI，buttherearesomanyliars，thatIfinditsafertobelievethem。Hesaid，injusticetohimself，hemustexplain:GodforbidIshouldinterferewithyou，saidI，withthesamefactitiousgrin，butitcanchangenothing。SoIkeptmytemper，ridmyselfofanunfaithfulservant，foundamethodofconductingsimilarinterviewsinthefuture，andfellinmyownliking。

Onethingmore:Ilearnedafreshtoleranceforthedead-；

hetoohadlearned-perhapshadinvented-thetrickofthismanner；Godknowswhatweakness，whatinstabilityoffeeling，laybeneath。CEQUEC’ESTQUEDENOUS！poorhumannature；

thatatpastfortyImustadjustthishatefulmaskforthefirsttime，andrejoicetofinditeffective；thattheeffortofmaintaininganexternalsmileshouldconfuseandembitteraman’ssoul。

To-dayIhavenotweeded；Ihavewritteninsteadfromsixtilleleven，fromtwelvetilltwo；withtheinterruptionoftheinterviewaforesaid；adamnedletteriswrittenforthethirdtime；Idreadtoreadit，forIdarenotgiveitafourthchance-unlessitbeverybadindeed。NowIwriteyoufrommymosquitocurtain，tothesongofsawsandplanesandhammers，andwoodclumpingonthefloorabove；inadayofheavenlybrightness；abirdtwitteringnearby；myeye，throughtheopendoor，commandinggreenmeads，twoorthreeforesttreescastingtheirboughsagainstthesky，aforest-

cladmountain-sidebeyond，andcloseinbythedoor-jambanickofthebluePacific。ItisMarchinEngland，bleakMarch，andIlieherewiththegreatslidingdoorswideopeninanundershirtandp’jamatrousers，andmeltintheclosureofmosquitobars，andburntobeoutinthebreeze。Afewtornclouds-notwhite，thesunhastingedthemawarmpink-swiminheaven。Inwhichblessedandfairday，Ihavetomakefacesandspeakbitterwordstoaman-whohasdeceivedme，itistrue-butwhoispoor，andolderthanI，andakindofagentlemantoo。Onthewhole，Ipreferthemassacreofweeds。

SUNDAY。

WhenIhaddonetalkingtoyouyesterday，Iplayedonmypipetilltheconchsounded，thenwentovertotheoldhousefordinner，andhadscarcerisenfromtableereIwassubmergedwithvisitors。Thefirstofthesedespatched，IspenttherestoftheeveninggoingovertheSamoantranslationofmyBOTTLEIMPwithClaxtonthemissionary；thentobed，butbeingupset，Isuppose，bytheseinterruptions，andhavinggonealldaywithoutmyweeding，nottosleep。ForhoursI

layawakeandheardtherainfall，andsawfaint，far-awaylightningoverthesea，andwroteyoulongletterswhichI

scorntoreproduce。ThismorningPaulwasunusuallyearly；

thedawnhadscarcebegunwhenheappearedwiththetrayandlitmycandle；andIhadbreakfastedandread(withindescribablesinkings)thewholeofyesterday’sworkbeforethesunhadrisen。ThenIsatandthought，andsatandbetterthought。Itwasnotgoodenough，norgood；itwasasslackasjournalism，butnotsoinspired；itwasexcellentstuffmisused，andthedefectsstoodgrossonitlikehumpsuponacamel。ButcouldI，inmypresentdisposition，domuchmorewithit？inmypresentpressurefortime，wereI

notbetteremployeddoinganotheroneaboutasill，thanmakingthissomethousandthfractionbetter？Yes，Ithought；

andtriedthenewone，andbehold，Icoulddonothing:myheadswims，wordsdonotcometome，norphrases，andI

accepteddefeat，packedupmytraps，andturnedtocommunicatethefailuretomyesteemedcorrespondent。I

thinkitpossibleIoverworkedyesterday。Well，we’llseeto-morrow-perhapstryagainlater。Itisindeedthehopeoftryinglaterthatkeepsmewritingtoyou。IfItaketomypipe，Iknowmyself-allisoverforthemorning。

Hurray，I’llcorrectproofs！

PAGO-PAGO，WEDNESDAY。

AfterIfinishedonSundayIpassedamiserableday；wentoutweeding，butcouldnotfindpeace。Idonotliketostealmydinner，unlessIhavegivenmyselfaholidayinacanonicalmanner；andweedingafterallisonlyfun，theamountofitsutilitysmall，andthethingcapableofbeingdonefasterandnearlyaswellbyahiredboy。IntheeveningSewallcameup(Americanconsul)andproposedtotakemeonamalaga，whichIaccepted。MondayIrodedowntoApia，wasnearlyalldayfightingaboutdraftsandmoney；thesilverproblemdoesnottouchyou，butitis(inastrangeandIhopepassingphase)