第19章

IfIdiscoveredit，theleastthingIcouldexpectwasto

losemyhusband，forhewastooniceandtoohonestaman

tohavecontinuedmyhusbandafterhehadknownIhadbeen

hissister；sothatIwasperplexedtothelastdegree。

Ileaveittoanymantojudgewhatdifficultiespresentedto

myview。

Iwasawayfrommynativecountry，atadistance

prodigious，andthereturntomeunpassable。

Ilivedverywell，

butinacircumstanceinsufferableinitself。

IfIhaddiscovered

myselftomymother，itmightbedifficulttoconvinceherof

theparticulars，andIhadnowaytoprovethem。

Ontheother

hand，ifshehadquestionedordoubtedme，Ihadbeenundone，

forthebaresuggestionwouldhaveimmediatelyseparatedme

frommyhusband，withoutgainingmymotherorhim，who

wouldhavebeenneitherahusbandnorabrother；sothat

betweenthesurpriseononehand，andtheuncertaintyonthe

other，Ihadbeensuretobeundone。

Inthemeantime，asIwasbuttoosureofthefact，Ilived

thereforeinopenavowedincestandwhoredom，andallunder

theappearanceofanhonestwife；andthoughIwasnotmuch

touchedwiththecrimeofit，yettheactionhadsomethingin

itshockingtonature，andmademyhusband，ashethought

himself，evennauseoustome。

However，uponthemostsedateconsideration，Iresolvedthat

itwasabsolutelynecessarytoconcealitallandnotmakethe

leastdiscoveryofiteithertomotherorhusband；andthusI

livedwiththegreatestpressureimaginableforthreeyears

more，buthadnomorechildren。

Duringthistimemymotherusedtobefrequentlytellingme

oldstoriesofherformeradventures，which，however，were

nowayspleasanttome；forbyit，thoughshedidnottellitme

inplainterms，yetIcouldeasilyunderstand，joinedwithwhat

Ihadheardmyself，ofmyfirsttutors，thatinheryoungerdays

shehadbeenbothwhoreandthief；butIverilybelievedshe

hadlivedtorepentsincerelyofboth，andthatshewasthena

verypious，sober，andreligiouswoman。

Well，letherlifehavebeenwhatitwouldthen，itwascertain

thatmylifewasveryuneasytome；forIlived，asIhavesaid，

butintheworstsortofwhoredom，andasIcouldexpectno

goodofit，soreallynogoodissuecameofit，andallmy

seemingprosperityworeoff，andendedinmiseryand

destruction。

Itwassometime，indeed，beforeitcametothis，

for，butIknownotbywhatillfateguided，everythingwent

wrongwithusafterwards，andthatwhichwasworse，my

husbandgrewstrangelyaltered，forward，jealous，andunkind，

andIwasasimpatientofbearinghiscarriage，asthecarriage

wasunreasonableandunjust。

Thesethingsproceededsofar，

thatwecameatlasttobeinsuchilltermswithoneanother，

thatIclaimedapromiseofhim，whichheenteredwillingly

intowithmewhenIconsentedtocomefromEnglandwith

him，viz。thatifIfoundthecountrynottoagreewithme，or

thatIdidnotliketolivethere，IshouldcomeawaytoEngland

againwhenIpleased，givinghimayear’swarningtosettle

hisaffairs。

Isay，Inowclaimedthispromiseofhim，andImustconfess

Ididitnotinthemostobligingtermsthatcouldbeinthe

worldneither；butIinsistedthathetreatedmeill，thatIwas

remotefrommyfriends，andcoulddomyselfnojustice，and

thathewasjealouswithoutcause，myconversationhaving

beenunblamable，andhehavingnopretenseforit，andthatto

removetoEnglandwouldtakeawayalloccasionfromhim。

Iinsistedsoperemptorilyuponit，thathecouldnotavoid

comingtoapoint，eithertokeephiswordwithmeortobreak

it；andthis，notwithstandingheusedalltheskillhewasmaster

of，andemployedhismotherandotheragentstoprevailwith

metoaltermyresolutions；indeed，thebottomofthethinglay

atmyheart，andthatmadeallhisendeavoursfruitless，formy

heartwasalienatedfromhimasahusband。

Iloathedthe

thoughtsofbeddingwithhim，andusedathousandpretenses

ofillnessandhumourtopreventhistouchingme，fearing

nothingmorethantobewithchildbyhim，whichtobesure

wouldhaveprevented，oratleastdelayed，mygoingoverto

England。

However，atlastIputhimsooutofhumour，thathetookup

arashandfatalresolution；inshort，IshouldnotgotoEngland；

andthoughhehadpromisedme，yetitwasanunreasonable

thingformetodesireit；thatitwouldberuinoustohisaffairs，

wouldunhingehiswholefamily，andbenexttoanundoing

himintheworld；thatthereforeIoughtnottodesireitofhim，

andthatnowifeintheworldthatvaluedherfamilyandher

husband’sprosperitywouldinsistuponsuchathing。

Thisplungedmeagain，forwhenIconsideredthething

calmly，andtookmyhusbandashereallywas，adiligent，

carefulmaninthemainworkoflayingupanestateforhis

children，andthatheknewnothingofthedreadfulcircumstances

thathewasin，Icouldnotbutconfesstomyselfthatmy

proposalwasveryunreasonable，andwhatnowifethathad

thegoodofherfamilyatheartwouldhavedesired。

Butmydiscontentswereofanothernature；Ilookeduponhim

nolongerasahusband，butasanearrelation，thesonofmy

ownmother，andIresolvedsomehoworothertobeclearof

him，butwhichwayIdidnotknow，nordiditseempossible。

Itissaidbytheill-naturedworld，ofoursex，thatifweare

setonathing，itisimpossibletoturnusfromourresolutions；

inshort，Ineverceasedporinguponthemeanstobringto

passmyvoyage，andcamethatlengthwithmyhusbandatlast，

astoproposegoingwithouthim。

Thisprovokedhimtothe

lastdegree，andhecalledmenotonlyanunkindwife，butan

unnaturalmother，andaskedmehowIcouldentertainsucha

thoughtwithouthorror，asthatofleavingmytwochildren

(foronewasdead)withoutamother，andtobebroughtupby

strangers，andnevertoseethemmore。

Itwastrue，hadthings

beenright，Ishouldnothavedoneit，butnowitwasmyreal

desirenevertoseethem，orhimeither，anymore；andastothe

chargeofunnatural，Icouldeasilyanswerittomyself，while

Iknewthatthewholerelationwasunnaturalinthehighest

degreeintheworld。

However，itwasplaintherewasnobringingmyhusbandto

anything；hewouldneithergowithmenorletmegowithout

him，anditwasquiteoutofmypowertostirwithouthis

consent，asanyonethatknowstheconstitutionofthecountry

Iwasin，knowsverywell。

Wehadmanyfamilyquarrelsaboutit，andtheybeganin

timetogrowuptoadangerousheight；forasIwasquite

estrangedformmyhusband(ashewascalled)inaffection，so

Itooknoheedtomywords，butsometimesgavehimlanguage

thatwasprovoking；and，inshort，stroveallIcouldtobring

himtoapartingwithme，whichwaswhataboveallthingsin

theworldIdesiredmost。

Hetookmycarriageveryill，andindeedhemightwelldoso，

foratlastIrefusedtobedwithhim，andcarryingonthebreach

uponalloccasionstoextremity，hetoldmeoncehethoughtI

wasmad，andifIdidnotaltermyconduct，hewouldputme

undercure；thatistosay，intoamadhouse。

Itoldhimhe

shouldfindIwasfarenoughfrommad，andthatitwasnotin

hispower，oranyothervillain’s，tomurderme。

Iconfessat

thesametimeIwasheartilyfrightedathisthoughtsofputting

meintoamadhouse，whichwouldatoncehavedestroyedall

thepossibilityofbreakingthetruthout，whatevertheoccasion

mightbe；forthatthennoonewouldhavegivencredittoa

wordofit。

Thisthereforebroughtmetoaresolution，whatevercameof

it，tolayopenmywholecase；butwhichwaytodoit，orto

whom，wasaninextricabledifficulty，andtookmemanymonths

toresolve。

Inthemeantime，anotherquarrelwithmyhusband

happened，whichcameuptosuchamadextremeasalmost

pushedmeontotellithimalltohisface；butthoughIkeptit

insoasnottocometotheparticulars，Ispokesomuchasput

himintotheutmostconfusion，andintheendbroughtoutthe

wholestory。

Hebeganwithacalmexpostulationuponmybeingsoresolute

togotoEngland；Idefendedit，andonehardwordbringing

onanother，asisusualinallfamilystrife，hetoldmeIdidnot

treathimasifhewasmyhusband，ortalkofmychildrenasif

Iwasamother；and，inshort，thatIdidnotdeservetobeused

asawife；thathehadusedallthefairmeanspossiblewithme；

thathehadarguedwithallthekindnessandcalmnessthata

husbandoraChristianoughttodo，andthatImadehimsuch

avilereturn，thatItreatedhimratherlikeadogthanaman，

andratherlikethemostcontemptiblestrangerthanahusband；

thathewasverylothtouseviolencewithme，butthat，inshort，

hesawanecessityofitnow，andthatforthefutureheshould

beobligedtotakesuchmeasuresasshouldreducemetomy

duty。

Mybloodwasnowfiredtotheutmost，thoughIknewwhat

hehadsaidwasverytrue，andnothingcouldappearmore

provoked。

Itoldhim，forhisfairmeansandhisfoul，they

wereequallycontemnedbyme；thatformygoingtoEngland，

Iwasresolvedonit，comewhatwould；andthatastotreating

himnotlikeahusband，andnotshowingmyselfamotherto

mychildren，theremightbesomethingmoreinitthanhe

understoodatpresent；but，forhisfurtherconsideration，I

thoughtfittotellhimthusmuch，thatheneitherwasmylawful

husband，northeylawfulchildren，andthatIhadreasonto

regardneitherofthemmorethanIdid。

IconfessIwasmovedtopityhimwhenIspokeit，forhe

turnedpaleasdeath，andstoodmuteasonethunderstruck，

andonceortwiceIthoughthewouldhavefainted；inshort，

itputhiminafitsomethinglikeanapoplex；hetrembled，a

sweatordewranoffhisface，andyethewascoldasaclod，

sothatIwasforcedtorunandfetchsomethingforhimto

keeplifeinhim。

Whenherecoveredofthat，hegrewsickand

vomited，andinalittleafterwasputtobed，andthenext

morningwas，ashehadbeenindeedallnight，inaviolentfever。

However，itwentoffagain，andherecovered，thoughbut

slowly，andwhenhecametobealittlebetter，hetoldmeI

hadgivenhimamortalwoundwithmytongue，andhehad

onlyonethingtoaskbeforehedesiredanexplanation。