第1章

bySaki（H。H。Munro）

Contents：

ReginaldReginaldonChristmasPresentsReginaldontheAcademyReginaldattheTheatreReginald’sPeacePoemReginald’sChoirTreatReginaldonWorriesReginaldonHouse—PartiesReginaldattheCarltonReginaldonBesettingSinsReginald’sDramaReginaldonTariffsReginald’sChristmasRevelReginald’sRubaiyatTheInnocenceofReginaldREGINALD

Ididit——Iwhoshouldhaveknownbetter。IpersuadedReginaldtogototheMcKillops’garden—partyagainsthiswill。

Weallmakemistakesoccasionally。

"Theyknowyou’rehere，andthey’llthinkitsofunnyifyoudon’tgo。AndIwantparticularlytobeinwithMrs。

McKillopjustnow。"

"Iknow，youwantoneofhersmokePersiankittensasaprospectivewifeforWumples——orahusband，isit？"

（Reginaldhasamagnificentscornfordetails，otherthansartorial。）"AndIamexpectedtoundergosocialmartyrdomtosuittheconnubialexigencies"—

"Reginald！It’snothingofthekind，onlyI’msureMrs。

McKillopWouldbepleasedifIbroughtyou。Youngmenofyourbrilliantattractionsareratheratapremiumathergarden—parties。"

"Shouldbeatapremiuminheaven，"remarkedReginaldcomplacently。

"Therewillbeveryfewofyouthere，ifthatiswhatyoumean。Butseriously，therewon’tbeanygreatstrainuponyourpowersofendurance；Ipromiseyouthatyoushan’thavetoplaycroquet，ortalktotheArchdeacon’swife，ordoanythingthatislikelytobringonphysicalprostration。

Youcanjustwearyoursweetestclothesandmoderatelyamiableexpression，andeatchocolate—creamswiththeappetiteofablaseparrot。Nothingmoreisdemandedofyou。"

Reginaldshuthiseyes。"Therewillbetheexhaustinglyup—

to—dateyoungwomenwhowillaskmeifIhaveseenSanToy：

alessprogressivegradewhowillyearntohearabouttheDiamondJubilee——thehistoricevent，notthehorse。Withalittleencouragement，theywillinquireifIsawtheAlliesmarchintoParis。Whyarewomensofondofrakingupthepast？They’reasbadastailors，whoinvariablyrememberwhatyouowethemforasuitlongafteryou’veceasedtowearit。"

"I’llorderlunchforoneo’clock；thatwillgiveyoutwoandahalfhourstodressin。"

Reginaldpuckeredhisbrowintoatorturedfrown，andIknewthatmypointwasgained。Hewasdebatingwhattiewouldgowithwhichwaistcoat。

EventhenIhadmymisgivings。

***

DuringthedrivetotheMcKillops’Reginaldwaspossessedwithagreatpeace，whichwasnotwhollytobeaccountedforbythefactthathehadinveigledhisfeetintoshoesasizetoosmallforthem。Imisgavemorethanever，andhavingoncelaunchedReginaldontotheMcKillops’lawn，I

establishedhimnearaseductivedishofmarronsglaces，andasfarfromtheArchdeacon’swifeaspossible；asIdriftedawaytoadiplomaticdistanceIheardwithpainfuldistinctnesstheeldestMawkbygirlaskinghimifhehadseenSanToy。

Itmusthavebeentenminuteslater，notmore，andIhadbeenhavingQUITEanenjoyablechatwithmyhostess，andhadpromisedtolendherTheEternalCityandmyrecipeforrabbitmayonnaise，andwasjustabouttoofferakindhomeforherthirdPersiankitten，whenIperceived，outofthecornerofmyeye，thatReginaldwasnotwhereIhadlefthim，andthatthemarronsglaceswereuntasted。AtthesamemomentIbecameawarethatoldColonelMendozawasessayingtotellhisclassicstoryofhowheintroducedgolfintoIndia，andthatReginaldwasindangerousproximity。ThereareoccasionswhenReginaldiscaviaretotheColonel。

"WhenIwasatPoonain’76"—

"MydearColonel，"purredReginald，"fancyadmittingsuchathing！Suchagive—awayforone’sage！Iwouldn’tadmitbeingonthisplanetin’76。"（Reginaldinhiswildestlapsesintoveracityneveradmitstobeingmorethantwenty—

two。）

TheColonelwenttothecolourofafigthathasattainedgreatripeness，andReginald，ignoringmyeffortstointercepthim，glidedawaytoanotherpartofthelawn。I

foundhimafewminuteslaterhappilyengagedinteachingtheyoungestRampageboytheapprovedtheoryofmixingabsinthe，withinfullearshotofhismother。Mrs。RampageoccupiesaprominentplaceinlocalTemperancemovements。

AssoonasIhadbrokenupthisunpromisingtete—a—teteandsettledReginaldwherehecouldwatchthecroquetplayerslosingtheirtempers，Iwanderedofftofindmyhostessandrenewthekittennegotiationsatthepointwheretheyhadbeeninterrupted。Ididnotsucceedinrunningherdownatonce，andeventuallyitwasMrs。McKillopwhosoughtmeout，andherconversationwasnotofkittens。

"YourcousinisdiscussingZazawiththeArchdeacon’swife；

atleast，heisdiscussing，sheisorderinghercarriage。"

Shespokeinthedry，staccatotoneofonewhorepeatsaFrenchexercise，andIknewthatasfarasMillieMcKillopwasconcerned，Wumpleswasdevotedtoalifelongcelibacy。

"Ifyoudon’tmind，"Isaidhurriedly，"Ithinkwe’dlikeourcarriageorderedtoo，"andImadeaforcedmarchinthedirectionofthecroquet—ground。

IfoundeveryonetalkingnervouslyandfeverishlyoftheweatherandthewarinSouthAfrica，exceptReginald，whowasreclininginacomfortablechairwiththedreamy，far—awaylookthatavolcanomightwearjustafterithaddesolatedentirevillages。TheArchdeacon’swifewasbuttoninguphergloveswithaconcentrateddeliberationthatwasfearfultobehold。IshallhavetotreblemysubscriptiontoherCheerfulSundayEveningsFundbeforeIdaresetfootinherhouseagain。

Atthatparticularmomentthecroquetplayersfinishedtheirgame，whichhadbeengoingonwithoutasymptomoffinalityduringthewholeafternoon。Why，Iask，shouldithavestoppedpreciselywhenacounter—attractionwassonecessary？

Everyoneseemedtodrifttowardstheareaofdisturbance，ofwhichthechairsoftheArchdeacon’swifeandReginaldformedthestorm—centre。Conversationflagged，andtheresettleduponthecompanythatexpectanthushthatprecedesthedawn——

whenyourneighboursdon’thappentokeeppoultry。

"WhatdidtheCaspianSea？"askedReginald，withappallingsuddenness。

Thereweresymptomsofastampede。TheArchdeacon’swifelookedatme。Kiplingorsomeonehasdescribedsomewherethelookafounderedcamelgiveswhenthecaravanmovesonandleavesittoitsfate。Thepeptonisedreproachinthegoodlady’seyesbroughtthepassagevividlytomymind。

Iplayedmylastcard。

"Reginald，it’sgettinglate，andasea—mistiscomingon。"

Iknewthattheelaboratecurloverhisrighteyebrowwasnotguaranteedtosurviveasea—mist。

"Never，neveragain，willItakeyoutoagarden—party。

Never……Youbehavedabominably……WhatdidtheCaspiansee？"

AshadeofgenuineregretformisusedopportunitiespassedoverReginald’sface。

"Afterall，"hesaid，"Ibelieveanapricottiewouldhavegonebetterwiththelilacwaistcoat。"

REGINALDONCHRISTMASPRESENTS

Iwishittobedistinctlyunderstood（saidReginald）thatI

don’twanta"George，PrinceofWales"Prayer—bookasaChristmaspresent。Thefactcannotbetoowidelyknown。

Thereought（hecontinued）tobetechnicaleducationclassesonthescienceofpresent—giving。Nooneseemstohavethefaintestnotionofwhatanyoneelsewants，andtheprevalentideasonthesubjectarenotcreditabletoacivilisedcommunity。

Thereis，forinstance，thefemalerelativeinthecountrywho"knowsatieisalwaysuseful，"andsendsyousomespottedhorrorthatyoucouldonlywearinsecretorinTottenhamCourtRoad。ItMIGHThavebeenusefulhadshekeptittotieupcurrantbusheswith，whenitwouldhaveservedthedoublepurposeofsupportingthebranchesandfrighteningawaythebirds——foritisanadmittedfactthattheordinarytomtitofcommercehasasounderaesthetictastethantheaveragefemalerelativeinthecountry。

Thenthereareaunts。Theyarealwaysadifficultclasstodealwithinthematterofpresents。Thetroubleisthatonenevercatchesthemreallyyoungenough。BythetimeonehaseducatedthemtoanappreciationofthefactthatonedoesnotwearredwoollenmittensintheWestEnd，theydie，orquarrelwiththefamily，ordosomethingequallyinconsiderate。Thatiswhythesupplyoftrainedauntsisalwayssoprecarious。

ThereismyAuntAgatha，parexemple，whosentmeapairofgloveslastChristmas，andevengotsofarastochooseakindthatwasbeingwornandhadthecorrectnumberofbuttons。But——THEYWERENINES！IsentthemtoaboywhomI

hatedintimately：hedidn’twearthem，ofcourse，buthecouldhave——thatwaswherethebitternessofdeathcamein。

Itwasnearlyasconsolingassendingwhiteflowerstohisfuneral。OfcourseIwroteandtoldmyauntthattheyweretheonethingthathadbeenwantingtomakeexistenceblossomlikearose；Iamafraidshethoughtmefrivolous——shecomesfromtheNorth，wheretheyliveinthefearofHeavenandtheEarlofDurham。（Reginaldaffectsanexhaustiveknowledgeofthingspolitical，whichfurnishesanexcellentexcusefornotdiscussingthem。）Auntswithadashofforeignextractioninthemarethemostsatisfactoryinthewayofunderstandingthesethings；butifyoucan’tchooseyouraunt，itiswisestinthelong—runtochoosethepresentandsendherthebill。

Evenfriendsofone’sownset，whomightbeexpectedtoknowbetter，havecuriousdelusionsonthesubject。IamNOT

collectingcopiesofthecheapereditionsofOmarKhayyam。I

gavethelastfourthatIreceivedtothelift—boy，andI

liketothinkofhimreadingthem，withFitzGerald’snotes，tohisagedmother。Lift—boysalwayshaveagedmothers；

showssuchnicefeelingontheirpart，Ithink。

Personally，Ican’tseewherethedifficultyinchoosingsuitablepresentslies。NoboywhohadbroughthimselfupproperlycouldfailtoappreciateoneofthosedecorativebottlesofliqueursthataresoreverentlystagedinMorel’swindow——anditwouldn’tintheleastmatterifonedidgetduplicates。AndtherewouldalwaysbethesuprememomentofdreadfuluncertaintywhetheritwascremedementheorChartreuse——liketheexpectantthrillonseeingyourpartner’shandturnedupatbridge。PeoplemaysaywhattheylikeaboutthedecayofChristianity；thereligioussystemthatproducedgreenChartreusecanneverreallydie。

Andthen，ofcourse，thereareliqueurglasses，andcrystallisedfruits，andtapestrycurtains，andheapsofothernecessariesoflifethatmakereallysensiblepresents—

—nottospeakofluxuries，suchashavingone’sbillspaid，orgettingsomethingquitesweetinthewayofjewellery。

UnliketheallegedGoodWomanoftheBible，I’mnotaboverubies。Whenfound，bytheway，shemusthavebeenratheraproblematChristmas—time；nothingshortofablankchequewouldhavefittedthesituation。Perhapsit’saswellthatshe’sdiedout。

Thegreatcharmaboutme（concludedReginald）isthatIamsoeasilypleased。

ButIdrawthelineata"PrinceofWales"Prayer—book。

REGINALDONTHEACADEMY

"OnegoestotheAcademyinself—defence，"saidReginald。

"ItistheonetopiconehasincommonwiththeCountryCousins。"

"Itisalmostareligiousobservancewiththem，"saidtheOther。"AkindofartisticMecca，andwhenthegoodonesdietheygo"—

"TotheChantreyBequest。Themysteryiswhattheyfindtotalkaboutinthecountry。"

"Therearetwosubjectsofconversationinthecountry：

Servants，andCanfowlsbemadetopay？Thefirst，I

believe，iscompulsory，thesecondoptional。"

"Asafunction，"resumedReginald，"theAcademyisafailure。"

"Youthinkitwouldbetolerablewithoutthepictures？"

"Thepicturesareallright，intheirway；afterall，onecanalwaysLOOKatthemifoneisboredwithone’ssurroundings，orwantstoavoidanimminentacquaintance。"

"Eventhatdoesn’talwayssaveone。ThereistheinevitablefemalewhomyoumetonceinDevonshire，ortheMatoppoHills，orsomewhere，whochargesuptoyouwiththeremarkthatit’sfunnyhowonealwaysmeetspeopleoneknowsattheAcademy。

Personally，IDON’Tthinkitfunny。"

"Isufferedinthatwayjustnow，"saidReginaldplaintively，"fromawomanwhosewordIhadtotakethatshehadmetmelastsummerinBrittany。"

"Ihopeyouwerenottoobrutal？"

"Imerelytoldherwithengagingsimplicitythattheartoflifewastheavoidanceoftheunattainable。"

"Didshetryandworkitoutonthebackofhercatalogue？"

"Notthereandthen。Shemurmuredsomethingaboutbeing’soclever。’FancycomingtotheAcademytobeclever！"

"Tobecleverintheafternoonarguesthatoneisdiningnowhereintheevening。"

"WhichremindsmethatIcan’trememberwhetherIacceptedaninvitationfromyoutodineatKettner’sto—night。"

"Ontheotherhand，Icanrememberwithstartlingdistinctnessnothavingaskedyouto。"

"Somuchcertaintyisunbecomingintheyoung；sowe’llconsiderthatsettled。Whatwereyoutalkingabout？Oh，pictures。Personally，Iratherlikethem；theyaresorefreshinglyrealandprobable，theytakeoneawayfromtheunrealitiesoflife。"

"Onelikestoescapefromoneselfoccasionally。"

"Thatisthedisadvantageofaportrait；asarule，one’sbitterestfriendscanfindnothingmoretoaskthanthefaithfulunlikenessthatgoesdowntoposterityasoneself。

Ihateposterity——it’ssofondofhavingthelastword。Ofcourse，asregardsportraits，thereareexceptions。"

"Forinstance？"

"TodiebeforebeingpaintedbySargentistogotoheavenprematurely。"

"Withthenecessarycareandimpatience，youmayavoidthatcatastrophe。"

"Ifyou’regoingtoberude，"saidReginald，"Ishalldinewithyouto—morrownightaswell。ThechiefviceoftheAcademy，"hecontinued，"isitsnomenclature。Why，forinstance，shouldanobvioustrout—streamwithapalpablerabbitsittingintheforegroundbecalled’aneveningdreamofunbecloudedpeace，’orsomethingofthatsort？"

"Youthink，"saidtheOther，"thatanameshouldeconomisedescriptionratherthanstimulateimagination？"

"Properlychosen，itshoulddoboth。Thereismyladykittenathome，forinstance；I’vecalleditDerry。"

"Suggestsnothingtomyimaginationbutprotractedsiegesandreligiousanimosities。Ofcourse，Idon’tknowyourkitten"

—

"Oh，you’resilly。It’sasweetname，anditanswerstoit——

whenitwantsto。Then，ifthereareanyunseemlynoisesinthenight，theycanbeexplainedsuccinctly：DerryandToms。"

"Youmightalmostchargefortheadvertisement。Butasappliedtopictures，don’tyouthinkyoursystemwouldbetoosubtle，say，fortheCountryCousins？"

"Everyreformationmusthaveitsvictims。Youcan’texpectthefattedcalftosharetheenthusiasmoftheangelsovertheprodigal’sreturn。AnotherdarlingweaknessoftheAcademyisthatnoneofitsluminariesmust’arrive’inahurry。Youcanseethemcomingforyears，likeaBalkantroubleorastreetimprovement，andbythetimetheyhavepaintedathousandorsosquareyardsofcanvas，theirworkbeginstoberecognised。"

"SomeonewhoMustNotbeContradictedsaidthatamanmustbeasuccessbythetimehe’sthirty，ornever。"

"Tohavereachedthirty，"saidReginald，"istohavefailedinlife。"

REGINALDATTHETHEATRE

"Afterall，"saidtheDuchessvaguely，"therearecertainthingsyoucan’tgetawayfrom。Rightandwrong，goodconductandmoralrectitude，havecertainwell—definedlimits。"

"So，forthematterofthat，"repliedReginald，"hastheRussianEmpire。Thetroubleisthatthelimitsarenotalwaysinthesameplace。"

ReginaldandtheDuchessregardedeachotherwithmutualdistrust，temperedbyascientificinterest。ReginaldconsideredthattheDuchesshadmuchtolearn；inparticular，nottohurryoutoftheCarltonasthoughafraidoflosingone’slast’bus。Awoman，hesaid，whoiscarelessofdisappearancesiscapableofleavingtownbeforeGood—wood，anddyingatthewrongmomentofanunfashionabledisease。

TheDuchessthoughtthatReginalddidnotexceedtheethicalstandardwhichcircumstancesdemanded。

"Ofcourse，"sheresumedcombatively，"it’stheprevailingfashiontobelieveinperpetualchangeandmutability，andallthatsortofthing，andtosayweareallmerelyanimprovedformofprimevalape——ofcourseyousubscribetothatdoctrine？"

"Ithinkitdecidedlypremature；inmostpeopleIknowtheprocessisfarfromcomplete。"

"Andequallyofcourseyouarequiteirreligious？"

"Oh，bynomeans。ThefashionjustnowisaRomanCatholicframeofmindwithanAgnosticconscience：yougetthemediaevalpicturesquenessoftheonewiththemodernconveniencesoftheother。"

TheDuchesssuppressedasniff。ShewasoneofthosepeoplewhoregardtheChurchofEnglandwithpatronisingaffection，asifitweresomethingthathadgrownupintheirkitchengarden。

"Butthereareotherthings，"shecontinued，"whichIsupposearetoacertainextentsacredeventoyou。Patriotism，forinstance，andEmpire，andImperialresponsibility，andblood—

is—thicker—than—water，andallthatsortofthing。"

Reginaldwaitedforacoupleofminutesbeforereplying，whiletheLordofRiminitemporarilymonopolisedtheacousticpossibilitiesofthetheatre。

"Thatistheworstofatragedy，"heobserved，"onecan’talwayshearoneselftalk。OfcourseIaccepttheImperialideaandtheresponsibility。Afterall，IwouldjustassoonthinkinContinentsasanywhereelse。Andsomeday，whentheseasonisoverandwehavethetime，youshallexplaintometheexactblood—brotherhoodandallthatsortofthingthatexistsbetweenaFrenchCanadianandamildHindooandaYorkshireman，forinstance。"

"Oh，well，’dominionoverpalmandpine，’youknow，"quotedtheDuchesshopefully；"ofcoursewemustn’tforgetthatwe’reallpartofthegreatAnglo—SaxonEmpire。"

"WhichforitspartisrapidlybecomingasuburbofJerusalem。Averypleasantsuburb，Iadmit，andquiteacharmingJerusalem。Butstillasuburb。"

"Really，tobetoldone’slivinginasuburbwhenoneisconsciousofspreadingthebenefitsofcivilisationallovertheworld！Philanthropy——IsupposeyouwillsayTHATisacomfortabledelusion；andyetevenyoumustadmitthatwheneverwantormiseryorstarvationisknowntoexist，howeverdistantordifficultofaccess，weinstantlyorganisereliefonthemostgenerousscale，anddistributeit，ifneedbe，totheuttermostendsoftheearth。"

TheDuchesspaused，withasenseofultimatetriumph。Shehadmadethesameobservationatadrawing—roommeeting，andithadbeenextremelywellreceived。

"Iwonder，"saidReginald，"ifyouhaveeverwalkeddowntheEmbankmentonawinternight？"

"Gracious，no，child！Whydoyouask？"

"Ididn’t；Ionlywondered。Andevenyourphilanthropy，practisedinaworldwhereeverythingisbasedoncompetition，musthaveadebitaswellasacreditaccount。

Theyoungravenscryforfood。"

"Andarefed。"

"Exactly。Whichpresupposesthatsomethingelseisfedupon。"

"Oh，you’resimplyexasperating。You’vebeenreadingNietzschetillyouhaven’tgotanysenseofmoralproportionleft。MayIaskifyouaregovernedbyANYlawsofconductwhatever？"

"Therearecertainfixedrulesthatoneobservesforone’sowncomfort。Forinstance，neverbeflippantlyrudetoanyinoffensivegrey—beardedstrangerthatyoumaymeetinpineforestsorhotelsmoking—roomsontheContinent。ItalwaysturnsouttobetheKingofSweden。"

"Therestraintmustbedreadfullyirksometoyou。WhenIwasyounger，boysofyourageusedtobeniceandinnocent。"

"Nowweareonlynice。Onemustspecialiseinthesedays。

WhichremindsmeofthemanIreadofinsomesacredbookwhowasgivenachoiceofwhathemostdesired。Andbecausehedidn’taskfortitlesandhonoursanddignities，butonlyforimmensewealth，theseotherthingscametohimalso。"

"Iamsureyoudidn’treadabouthiminanysacredbook。"

"Yes；IfancyyouwillfindhiminDebrett。"

REGINALD’SPEACEPOEM

"I’mwritingapoemonPeace，"saidReginald，emergingfromasweepingoperationthroughatinofmixedbiscuits，inwhosedepthsamacaroonortwomightyetbelurking。

"Somethingofthekindseemstohavebeenattemptedalready，"

saidtheOther。

"Oh，Iknow；butImayneverhavethechanceagain。Besides，I’vegotanewfountainpen。Idon’tpretendtohavegoneonanyveryoriginallines；inwritingaboutPeacethethingistosaywhateverybodyelseissaying，onlytosayitbetter。

Itbeginswiththeusualornithologicalemotion—

’WhenthewidgeonwestwardwingingHeardthefolkVereeniginging，Heardtheshoutingandthesinging’"—

"Vereenigingingisgood，butwhywidgeon？"

"Whynot？AnythingthatwingedwestwardwouldnaturallybeginwithaW。"

"Needitwingwestward？"

"Thebirdmustgosomewhere。Youwouldn’thaveithangaroundandlookfoolish。ThenI’vebroughtinsomethingabouttheheedlesshartebeestgallopingoverthedesertedveldt。"

"Ofcourseyouknowit’spracticallyextinctinthoseregions？"

"Ican’thelpTHAT，itgallopssonicely。Imakeithaveallsortsofunexpectedyearnings—

’Mother，mayIgoandmaffick，Teararoundandhindertraffic？’

Ofcourseyou’llsaytherewouldbenotrafficworthbotheringaboutonthebareandsun—scorchedveldt，butthere’snootherwordthatrhymeswithmaffick。"

"Seraphic？"

Reginaldconsidered。"Itmightdo，butI’vegotalotaboutangelslateron。YoumusthaveangelsinaPeacepoem；I

knowdreadfullylittleabouttheirhabits。"

"Theycandounexpectedthings，likethehartebeest。"

"Ofcourse。ThenIturnonLondon，theCityofDreadfulNocturnes，resonantwithhymnsofjoyandthanksgiving—

’Andthesleeper，eyeunlidding，HeardavoiceforeverbiddingMuchfarewelltoDollyGray；

Turningwearyonhistruckle—

Bedheheardthehoney—suckleLaudedinapiarianlay。’

Longfellowathisbestwrotenothinglikethat。"

"Iagreewithyou。"

"Iwishyouwouldn’t。I’veasweettemper，butIcan’tstandbeingagreedwith。AndI’msoworriedabouttheaasvogel。"

Reginaldstareddismallyatthebiscuit—tin，whichnowpresentedanunattractivearrayofrejectedcracknels。

"Ibelieve，"hemurmured，"ifIcouldfindawomanwithanunsatisfiedcravingforcracknels，Ishouldmarryher。"

"Whatisthetragedyoftheaasvogel？"askedtheOthersympathetically。

"Oh，simplythatthere’snorhymeforit。IthoughtaboutitallthetimeIwasdressing——it’sdreadfullybadforonetothinkwhilstone’sdressing——andalllunch—time，andI’mstillhungupoverit。Ifeellikethoseunfortunateautomobilistswhoachieveanunenviablemotorietybycomingtoahopelessstopwiththeircarsinthemostcrowdedthoroughfares。I’mafraidIshallhavetodroptheaasvogel，anditdidgivesuchlovelylocalcolourtothething。"

"Stillyou’vegottheheedlesshartebeest。"

"Andquiteadecorativebitofmoraladmonition——whenyou’veworriedthemeaningout—

’Cease，War，thybubblingmadnessthatthewineshares，Andbidthylegionsturntheirswordstomineshares。’

Minesharesseemstofitthecasebetterthanploughshares。

There’slotsmoreabouttheblessingsofPeace，shallIgoonreadingit？"

"IfImustmakeachoice，IthinkIwouldrathertheywentonwiththewar。"

REGINALD’SCHOIRTREAT

"Never，"wroteReginaldtohismostdarlingfriend，"beapioneer。It’stheEarlyChristianthatgetsthefattestlion。"

Reginald，inhisway，wasapioneer。

NoneoftherestofhisfamilyhadanythingapproachingTitianhairorasenseofhumour，andtheyusedprimrosesasatabledecoration。

ItfollowsthattheyneverunderstoodReginald，whocamedownlatetobreakfast，andnibbledtoast，andsaiddisrespectfulthingsabouttheuniverse。Thefamilyateporridge，andbelievedineverything，eventheweatherforecast。

Thereforethefamilywasrelievedwhenthevicar’sdaughterundertookthereformationofReginald。HernamewasAmabel；

itwasthevicar’soneextravagance。Amabelwasaccountedabeautyandintellectuallygifted；sheneverplayedtennis，andwasreputedtohavereadMaeterlinck’sLifeoftheBee。

IfyouabstainfromtennisANDreadMaeterlinckinasmallcountryvillage，youareofnecessityintellectual。AlsoshehadbeentwicetoFecamptopickupagoodFrenchaccentfromtheAmericansstayingthere；consequentlyshehadaknowledgeoftheworldwhichmightbeconsideredusefulindealingswithaworldling。

HencethecongratulationsinthefamilywhenAmabelundertookthereformationofitswaywardmember。

Amabelcommencedoperationsbyaskingherunsuspectingpupiltoteainthevicaragegarden；shebelievedinthehealthyinfluenceofnaturalsurroundings，neverhavingbeeninSicily，wherethingsaredifferent。

Andlikeeverywomanwhohaseverpreachedrepentancetounregenerateyouth，shedweltonthesinofanemptylife，whichalwaysseemssomuchmorescandalousinthecountry，wherepeopleriseearlytoseeifanewstrawberryhashappenedduringthenight。

Reginaldrecalledtheliliesofthefield，"whichsimplysatandlookedbeautiful，anddefiedcompetition。"

"Butthatisnotanexampleforustofollow，"gaspedAmabel。

"Unfortunately，wecan’taffordto。Youdon’tknowwhataworldoftroubleItakeintryingtorivaltheliliesintheirartisticsimplicity。"

"Youarereallyindecentlyvainofyourappearance。Agoodlifeisinfinitelypreferabletogoodlooks。"

"Youagreewithmethatthetwoareincompatible。Ialwayssaybeautyisonlysindeep。"

Amabelbegantorealisethatthebattleisnotalwaystothestrong—minded。Withtheimmemorialresourceofhersex，sheabandonedthefrontalattack，andlaidstressonherunassistedlaboursinparishwork，hermentalloneliness，herdiscouragements——andattherightmomentsheproducedstrawberriesandcream。Reginaldwasobviouslyaffectedbythelatter，andwhenhispreceptresssuggestedthathemightbeginthestrenuouslifebyhelpinghertosupervisetheannualoutingofthebucolicinfantswhocomposedthelocalchoir，hiseyesshonewiththedangerousenthusiasmofaconvert。

Reginaldenteredonthestrenuouslifealone，asfarasAmabelwasconcerned。Themostvirtuouswomenarenotproofagainstdampgrass，andAmabelkeptherbedwithacold。

Reginaldcalleditadispensation；ithadbeenthedreamofhislifetostage—manageachoirouting。Withstrategicinsight，heledhisshy，bullet—headedchargestothenearestwoodlandstreamandallowedthemtobathe；thenheseatedhimselfontheirdiscardedgarmentsanddiscoursedontheirimmediatefuture，which，hedecreed，wastoembraceaBacchanalianprocessionthroughthevillage。Forethoughthadprovidedtheoccasionwithasupplyoftinwhistles，buttheintroductionofahe—goatfromaneighbouringorchardwasabrilliantafterthought。Properly，Reginaldexplained，thereshouldhavebeenanoutfitofpantherskins；asitwas，thosewhohadspottedhandkerchiefswereallowedtowearthem，whichtheydidwiththankfulness。Reginaldrecognisedtheimpossibility，inthetimeathisdisposal，ofteachinghisshiveringneophytesachantinhonourofBacchus，sohestartedthemoffwithamorefamiliar，iflessappropriate，temperancehymn。Afterall，hesaid，itisthespiritofthethingthatcounts。Followingtheetiquetteofdramaticauthorsonfirstnights，heremaineddiscreetlyinthebackgroundwhiletheprocession，withextremediffidenceandthegoat，wounditswaylugubriouslytowardsthevillage。

Thesinginghaddieddownlongbeforethemainstreetwasreached，butthemiserablewailingofpipesbroughttheinhabitantstotheirdoors。Reginaldsaidhehadseensomethinglikeitinpictures；thevillagershadseennothinglikeitintheirlives，andremarkedasmuchfreely。

Reginald’sfamilyneverforgavehim。Theyhadnosenseofhumour。

REGINALDONWORRIES

Ihave（saidReginald）anauntwhoworries。She’snotreallyanaunt——asortofamateurone，andtheyaren’treallyworries。Sheisasocialsuccess，andhasnodomestictragediesworthspeakingof，sosheadoptsanydecorativesorrowsthataregoing，myselfincluded。Inthatwayshe’stheantithesis，orwhateveryoucallit，tothosesweet，uncomplainingwomenoneknowswhohaveseentrouble，andwornblinkerseversince。Ofcourse，onejustlovesthemforit，butImustconfesstheymakemeuncomfy；theyremindonesoofaduckthatgoesflappingaboutwithforcedcheerfulnesslongafteritshead’sbeencutoff。DuckshaveNOrepose。

Now，myaunthasashadeofhairthatsuitsher，andacookwhoquarrelswiththeotherservants，whichisalwaysahopefulsign，andaconsciencethat’sabsenteeforaboutelevenmonthsoftheyear，andonlyturnsupatLenttoannoyherhusband’speople，whoareconsiderablyLowerthantheangels，sotospeak：withallthesenaturaladvantages——shesaysherparticulartintofbronzeisanaturaladvantage，andtherecanbenotwoopinionsastotheadvantage——ofcourseshehastosendoutforherafflictions，likethoserestaurantswheretheyhaven’tgotalicence。Thesystemhasthisadvantage，thatyoucanfityourunhappinessesinwithyourotherengagements，whereasrealworrieshaveawayofarrivingatmeal—times，andwhenyou’redressing，orothersolemnmoments。Iknewacanaryoncethathadbeentryingformonthsandyearstohatchoutafamily，andeveryonelookeduponitasablamelessinfatuation，likethesaleofDelagoaBay，whichwouldbeanannuallosstothePressagenciesifitevercametopass；andonedaythebirdreallydidbringitoff，inthemiddleoffamilyprayers。Isaythemiddle，butitwasalsotheend：youcan’tgoonbeingthankfulfordailybreadwhenyouarewonderingwhatonearthverynewcanariesexpecttobefedon。

Atpresentshe’sratherinaBalkanstateofmindaboutthetreatmentoftheJewsinRoumania。Personally，IthinktheJewshaveestimablequalities；they’resokindtotheirpoor—

—andtoourrich。IdaresayinRoumaniathecostoflivingbeyondone’sincomeisn’tsogreat。Overherethetroubleisthatsomanypeoplewhohavemoneytothrowaboutseemtohavesuchvagueideaswheretothrowit。Thatfund，forinstance，torelievethevictimsofsuddendisasters——whatisasuddendisaster？There’sMarionMulciber，whoWOULDthinkshecouldplaybridge，justasshewouldthinkshecouldridedownahillonabicycle；onthatoccasionshewenttoahospital，nowshe’sgoneintoaSisterhood——lostallshehad，youknow，andgavetheresttoHeaven。Still，youcan’tcallitasuddencalamity；THAToccurredwhenpoordearMarionwasborn。Thedoctorssaidatthetimethatshecouldn’tlivemorethanafortnight，andshe’sbeentryingeversincetoseeifshecould。Womenaresoopinionated。

Andthenthere’stheEducationQuestion——notthatIcanseethatthere’sanythingtoworryaboutinthatdirection。Tomymind，educationisanabsurdlyover—ratedaffair。Atleast，onenevertookitveryseriouslyatschool，whereeverythingwasdonetobringitprominentlyunderone’snotice。Anythingthatisworthknowingonepracticallyteachesoneself，andtherestobtrudesitselfsoonerorlater。Thereasonone’seldersknowsocomparativelylittleisbecausetheyhavetounlearnsomuchthattheyacquiredbywayofeducationbeforewewereborn。OfcourseI’mabelieverinNature—study；asIsaidtoLadyBeauwhistle，ifyouwantalessoninelaborateartificiality，justwatchthestudiedunconcernofaPersiancatenteringacrowdedsalon，andthengoandpractiseitforafortnight。TheBeauwhistlesweren’tborninthePurple，youknow，butthey’regettingthereontheinstalmentsystem——somuchdown，andtherestwhenyoufeellikeit。Theyhavekindhearts，andtheyneverforgetbirthdays。Iforgetwhathewas，somethingintheCity，wherethepatriotismcomesfrom；andshe——oh，well，herfrocksarebuiltinParis，butshewearsthemwithastrongEnglishaccent。Sopublic—spiritedofher。Ithinkshemusthavebeenverystrictlybroughtup，she’ssodesperatelyanxioustodothewrongthingcorrectly。

Notthatitreallymattersnowadays，asItoldher：Iknowsomeperfectlyvirtuouspeoplewhoarereceivedeverywhere。

REGINALDONHOUSE—PARTIES

Thedrawbackis，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’shostsandhostesses。Onegetstoknowtheirfox—terriersandtheirchrysanthemums，andwhetherthestoryaboutthego—cartcanbeturnedlooseinthedrawing—room，ormustbetoldprivatelytoeachmemberoftheparty，forfearofshockingpublicopinion；butone’shostandhostessareasortofhumanhinterlandthatoneneverhasthetimetoexplore。

TherewasafellowIstayedwithonceinWarwickshirewhofarmedhisownland，butwasotherwisequitesteady。Shouldneverhavesuspectedhimofhavingasoul，yetnotverylongafterwardsheelopedwithalion—tamer’swidowandsetupasagolf—instructorsomewhereonthePersianGulf；dreadfullyimmoral，ofcourse，becausehewasonlyanindifferentplayer，butstill，itshowedimagination。Hiswifewasreallytobepitied，becausehehadbeentheonlypersoninthehousewhounderstoodhowtomanagethecook’stemper，andnowshehastoput"D。V。"onherdinnerinvitations。Still，that’sbetterthanadomesticscandal；awomanwholeaveshercookneverwhollyrecoversherpositioninSociety。

Isupposethesamethingholdsgoodwiththehosts；theyseldomhavemorethanasuperficialacquaintancewiththeirguests，andsooftenjustwhentheydogettoknowyouabitbetter，theyleaveoffknowingyoualtogether。TherewasRATHERabreathofwinterintheairwhenIleftthoseDorset—shirepeople。Yousee，theyhadaskedmedowntoshoot，andI’mnotparticularlyimmenseatthatsortofthing。There’ssuchadeadlysamenessaboutpartridges；whenyou’vemissedone，you’vemissedthelot——atleast，that’sbeenmyexperience。Andtheytriedtoragmeinthesmoking—

roomaboutnotbeingabletohitabirdatfiveyards，asortofbovineraggingthatsuggestedcowsbuzzingroundagadflyandthinkingtheywereteasingit。SoIgotupthenextmorningatearlydawn——Iknowitwasdawn，becausetherewerelark—noisesinthesky，andthegrasslookedasifithadbeenleftoutallnight——andhuntedupthemostconspicuousthinginthebirdlinethatIcouldfind，andmeasuredthedistance，asnearlyasitwouldletme，andshotawayallI

knew。Theysaidafterwardsthatitwasatamebird；that’ssimplySILLY，becauseitwasawfullywildatthefirstfewshots。Afterwardsitquieteddownabit，andwhenitslegshadstoppedwavingfarewellstothelandscapeIgotagardener—boytodragitintothehall，whereeverybodymustseeitontheirwaytothebreakfast—room。Ibreakfastedupstairsmyself。Igatheredafterwardsthatthemealwastingedwithaveryunchristianspirit。Isupposeit’sunluckytobringpeacock’sfeathersintoahouse；anyway，therewasablue—pencillylookinmyhostess’seyewhenI

tookmydeparture。

Somehostesses，ofcourse，willforgiveanything，evenuntopavonicide（istheresuchaword？），aslongasoneisnice—

lookingandsufficientlyunusualtocounterbalancesomeoftheothers；andthereAREothers——thegirl，forinstance，whoreadsMeredith，andappearsatmealswithunnaturalpunctualityinafrockthat’smadeathomeandrepentedatleisure。SheeventuallyfindsherwaytoIndiaandgetsmarried，andcomeshometoadmiretheRoyalAcademy，andtoimaginethatanindifferentprawncurryisforeveraneffectivesubstituteforallthatwehavebeentaughttobelieveisluncheon。It’sthenthatsheisreallydangerous；

butatherworstsheisneverquitesobadasthewomanwhofiresExchangeandMartquestionsatyouwithouttheleastprovocation。Imaginetheotherday，justwhenIwasdoingmybesttounderstandhalfthethingsIwassaying，beingaskedbyoneofthoseseekersaftercountryhometruthshowmanyfowlsshecouldkeepinaruntenfeetbysix，orwhateveritwas！Itoldherwholecrowds，aslongasshekeptthedoorshut，andtheideadidn’tseemtohavestruckherbefore；atleast，shebroodedoveritfortherestofdinner。

Ofcourse，asIsay，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’sground，andonemaymakemistakesoccasionally。Butthenone’smistakessometimesturnoutassetsinthelong—run：ifwehadneverbungledawayourAmericancolonieswemightneverhavehadtheboyfromtheStatestoteachushowtowearourhairandcutourclothes，andwemustgetourideasfromsomewhere，I

suppose。EventheHooliganwasprobablyinventedinChinacenturiesbeforewethoughtofhim。Englandmustwakeup，astheDukeofDevonshiresaidtheotherday；wasn’tit？Oh，well，itwassomeoneelse。NotthatIeverindulgeindespairabouttheFuture；therealwayshavebeenmenwhohavegoneaboutdespairingoftheFuture，andwhentheFuturearrivesitsaysnice，superiorthingsabouttheirhavingactedaccordingtotheirlights。Itisdreadfultothinkthatotherpeople’sgrandchildrenmayonedayriseupandcalloneamiable。

TherearemomentswhenonesympathiseswithHerod。