Sketches New and Old

第8章

“Andsotheblessedreliefdidcomeatlast？”

“Yes，itcameonebright，sunnymorning，justafterelection。JohnMurphywasthechoice，andthereneverwasabetter，Iamwillingtotestify;butJohnMurphycamehomewithus，inthetrainthatcametosuccorus，andlivedtomarrythewidowHarris——“

“Relictof——“

“Relictofourfirstchoice。Hemarriedher，andishappyandrespectedandprosperousyet。Ah，itwaslikeanovel，sir——itwaslikearomance。

Thisismystopping-place，sir;Imustbidyougoodby。Anytimethatyoucanmakeitconvenienttotarryadayortwowithme，Ishallbegladtohaveyou。Ilikeyou，sir;Ihaveconceivedanaffectionforyou。

IcouldlikeyouaswellasIlikedHarrishimself，sir。Goodday，sir，andapleasantjourney。”

Hewasgone。Ineverfeltsostunned，sodistressed，sobewilderedinmylife。ButinmysoulIwasgladhewasgone。Withallhisgentlenessofmannerandhissoftvoice，Ishudderedwheneverheturnedhishungryeyeuponme;andwhenIheardthatIhadachievedhisperilousaffection，andthatIstoodalmostwiththelateHarrisinhisesteem，myheartfairlystoodstill！

Iwasbewilderedbeyonddescription。Ididnotdoubthisword;Icouldnotquestionasingleiteminastatementsostampedwiththeearnestnessoftruthashis;butitsdreadfuldetailsoverpoweredme，andthrewmythoughtsintohopelessconfusion。Isawtheconductorlookingatme。

Isaid，“Whoisthatman？”

“HewasamemberofCongressonce，andagoodone。Buthegotcaughtinasnow-driftinthecars，andliketohavebeenstarvedtodeath。Hegotsofrost-bittenandfrozenupgenerally，andusedupforwantofsomethingtoeat，thathewassickandoutofhisheadtwoorthreemonthsafterward。Heisallrightnow，onlyheisamonomaniac，andwhenhegetsonthatoldsubjectheneverstopstillhehaseatupthatwholecar-loadofpeoplehetalksabout。Hewouldhavefinishedthecrowdbythistime，onlyhehadtogetouthere。HehasgottheirnamesaspatasABC。Whenhegetsthemalleatupbuthimself，healwayssays：’Thenthehourfortheusualelectionforbreakfasthavingarrived;andtherebeingnoopposition，Iwasdulyelected，afterwhich，therebeingnoobjectionsoffered，Iresigned。ThusIamhere。’“

IfeltinexpressiblyrelievedtoknowthatIhadonlybeenlisteningtotheharmlessvagariesofamadmaninsteadofthegenuineexperiencesofabloodthirstycannibal。

THEKILLINGOFJULIUSCAESAR“LOCALIZED“——[Writtenabout1865。]

Beingtheonlytrueandreliableaccounteverpublished;takenfromtheRoman“DailyEveningFasces，“ofthedateofthattremendousoccurrence。

Nothingintheworldaffordsanewspaperreportersomuchsatisfactionasgatheringupthedetailsofabloodyandmysteriousmurderandwritingthemupwithaggravatingcircumstantiality。Hetakesalivingdelightinthislaboroflove——forsuchitistohim，especiallyifheknowsthatalltheotherpapershavegonetopress，andhiswillbetheonlyonethatwillcontainthedreadfulintelligence。AfeelingofregrethasoftencomeovermethatIwasnotreportinginRomewhenCaesarwaskilled——reportingonaneveningpaper，andtheonlyoneinthecity，andgettingatleasttwelvehoursaheadofthemorning-paperboyswiththismostmagnificent“item“thateverfelltothelotofthecraft。Othereventshavehappenedasstartlingasthis，butnonethatpossessedsopeculiarlyallthecharacteristicsofthefavorite“item“ofthepresentday，magnifiedintograndeurandsublimitybythehighrank，fame，andsocialandpoliticalstandingoftheactorsinit。

However，asIwasnotpermittedtoreportCaesar’sassassinationintheregularway，ithasatleastaffordedmeraresatisfactiontotranslatethefollowingableaccountofitfromtheoriginalLatinoftheRomanDailyEveningFascesofthatdate——secondedition：

OurusuallyquietcityofRomewasthrownintoastateofwildexcitementyesterdaybytheoccurrenceofoneofthosebloodyaffrayswhichsickentheheartandfillthesoulwithfear，whiletheyinspireallthinkingmenwithforebodingsforthefutureofacitywherehumanlifeisheldsocheaplyandthegravestlawsaresoopenlysetatdefiance。Astheresultofthataffray，itisourpainfulduty，aspublicjournalists，torecordthedeathofoneofourmostesteemedcitizens——amanwhosenameisknownwhereverthispapercirculates，andwherefameithasbeenourpleasureandourprivilegetoextend，andalsotoprotectfromthetongueofslanderandfalsehood，tothebestofourpoorability。WerefertoMr。J。Caesar，theEmperor-elect。

Thefactsofthecase，asnearlyasourreportercoulddeterminethemfromtheconflictingstatementsofeye-witnesses，wereaboutasfollows：-

Theaffairwasanelectionrow，ofcourse。Nine-tenthsoftheghastlybutcheriesthatdisgracethecitynowadaysgrowoutofthebickeringsandjealousiesandanimositiesengenderedbytheseaccursedelections。Romewouldbethegainerbyitifherveryconstableswereelectedtoserveacentury;forinourexperiencewehaveneverevenbeenabletochooseadog-pelterwithoutcelebratingtheeventwithadozenknockdownsandageneralcrammingofthestation-housewithdrunkenvagabondsovernight。

ItissaidthatwhentheimmensemajorityforCaesaratthepollsinthemarketwasdeclaredtheotherday，andthecrownwasofferedtothatgentleman，evenhisamazingunselfishnessinrefusingitthreetimeswasnotsufficienttosavehimfromthewhisperedinsultsofsuchmenasCasca，oftheTenthWard，andotherhirelingsofthedisappointedcandidate，hailingmostlyfromtheEleventhandThirteenthandotheroutsidedistricts，whowereoverheardspeakingironicallyandcontemptuouslyofMr。Caesar’sconductuponthatoccasion。

WearefurtherinformedthattherearemanyamonguswhothinktheyarejustifiedinbelievingthattheassassinationofJuliusCaesarwasaput-

upthing——acut-and-driedarrangement，hatchedbyMarcusBrutusandalotofhishiredroughs，andcarriedoutonlytoofaithfullyaccordingtotheprogram。Whethertherebegoodgroundsforthissuspicionornot，weleavetothepeopletojudgeforthemselves，onlyaskingthattheywillreadthefollowingaccountofthesadoccurrencecarefullyanddispassionatelybeforetheyrenderthatjudgment。

TheSenatewasalreadyinsession，andCaesarwascomingdownthestreettowardthecapitol，conversingwithsomepersonalfriends，andfollowed，asusual，byalargenumberofcitizens。JustashewaspassinginfrontofDemosthenesandThucydides’drugstore，hewasobservingcasuallytoagentleman，who，ourinformantthinks，isafortune-teller，thattheIdesofMarchwerecome。Thereplywas，“Yes，theyarecome，butnotgoneyet。”，AtthismomentArtemidorussteppedupandpassedthetimeofday，andaskedCaesartoreadascheduleoratractorsomethingofthekind，whichhehadbroughtforhisperusal。Mr。DeciusBrutusalsosaidsomethingaboutan“humblesuit“whichhewantedread。Artexnidorusbeggedthatattentionmightbepaidtohisfirst，becauseitwasofpersonalconsequencetoCaesar。Thelatterrepliedthatwhatconcernedhimselfshouldbereadlast，orwordstothateffect。Artemidorusbeggedandbeseechedhimtoreadthepaperinstantly！——[Markthat：ItishintedbyWilliamShakespeare，whosawthebeginningandtheendoftheunfortunateaffray，thatthis“schedule“wassimplyanotediscoveringtoCaesarthataplotwasbrewingtotakehislife。]——，However，Caesarshookhimoff，andrefusedtoreadanypetitioninthestreet。Hethenenteredthecapitol，andthecrowdfollowedhim。

Aboutthistimethefollowingconversationwasoverheard，andweconsiderthat，takeninconnectionwiththeeventswhichsucceededit，itbearsanappallingsignificance：，Mr。PapiliusLenaremarkedtoGeorgeW。Cassias(commonlyknownasthe“NobbyBoyoftheThirdWard“)，abruiserinthepayoftheOpposition，thathehopedhisenterpriseto-daymightthrive;

andwhenCassiasasked“Whatenterprise？”heonlyclosedhislefteyetemporarilyandsaidwithsimulatedindifference，“Fareyouwell，“andsaunteredtowardCaesar。MarcusBrutus，whoissuspectedofbeingtheringleaderofthebandthatkilledCaesar，askedwhatitwasthatLenahadsaid。Cassiastoldhim，andaddedinalowtone，“Ifearourpurposeisdiscovered。”

BrutustoldhiswretchedaccomplicetokeepaneyeonLena，andamomentafterCassiasurgedthatleanandhungryvagrant，Casca，whosereputationhereisnoneofthebest，tobesudden，forhefearedprevention。HethenturnedtoBrutus，apparentlymuchexcited，andaskedwhatshouldbedone，andsworethateitherheorCaesarwouldneverturnback——hewouldkillhimselffirst。AtthistimeCaesarwastalkingtosomeoftheback-

countrymembersabouttheapproachingfallelections，andpayinglittleattentiontowhatwasgoingonaroundhim。BillyTreboniusgotintoconversationwiththepeople’sfriendandCaesar’s——MarkAntony——andundersomepretenseorothergothimaway，andBrutus，Decius，Casca，Cinna，MetellusCimber，andothersofthegangofinfamousdesperadoesthatinfestRomeatpresent，closedaroundthedoomedCaesar。ThenMetellusCimberkneltdownandbeggedthathisbrothermightberecalledfrombanishment，butCaesarrebukedhimforhisfawningconduct，andrefusedtogranthispetition。Immediately，atCimber’srequest，firstBrutusandthenCassiasbeggedforthereturnofthebanishedPublius;

butCaesarstillrefused。Hesaidhecouldnotbemoved;thathewasasfixedastheNorthStar，andproceededtospeakinthemostcomplimentarytermsofthefirmnessofthatstaranditssteadycharacter。Thenhesaidhewaslikeit，andhebelievedhewastheonlymaninthecountrythatwas;therefore，sincehewas“constant“thatCimbershouldbebanished，hewasalso“constant“thatheshouldstaybanished，andhe’dbehangedifhedidn’tkeephimso！

Instantlyseizinguponthisshallowpretextforafight，CascasprangatCaesarandstruckhimwithadirk，Caesargrabbinghimbythearmwithhisrighthand，andlaunchingablowstraightfromtheshoulderwithhisleft，thatsentthereptilebleedingtotheearth。HethenbackedupagainstPompey’sstatue，andsquaredhimselftoreceivehisassailants。

CassiasandCimberandCinnarushed，uponhimwiththeirdaggersdrawn，andtheformersucceededininflictingawounduponhisbody;butbeforehecouldstrikeagain，andbeforeeitheroftheotherscouldstrikeatall，Caesarstretchedthethreemiscreantsathisfeetwithasmanyblowsofhispowerfulfist。BythistimetheSenatewasinanindescribableuproar;thethrongofcitizensisthelobbieshadblockadedthedoorsintheirfranticeffortstoescapefromthebuilding，thesergeant-at-armsandhisassistantswerestrugglingwiththeassassins，venerablesenatorshadcastasidetheirencumberingrobes，andwereleapingoverbenchesandflyingdowntheaislesinwildconfusiontowardtheshelterofthecommittee-rooms，andathousandvoiceswereshouting“Po-lice！，Po-lice！”

indiscordanttonesthatroseabovethefrightfuldinlikeshriekingwindsabovetheroaringofatempest。AndamiditallgreatCaesarstoodwithhisbackagainstthestatue，likealionatbay，andfoughthisassailantsweaponlessandhandtohand，withthedefiantbearingandtheunwaveringcouragewhichhehadshownbeforeonmanyabloodyfield。

BillyTreboniusandCaiusLegariusstruckhimwiththeirdaggersandfell，astheirbrother-conspiratorsbeforethemhadfallen。Butatlast，whenCaesarsawhisoldfriendBrutusstepforwardarmedwithamurderousknife，itissaidheseemedutterlyoverpoweredwithgriefandamazement，and，droppinghisinvincibleleftarmbyhisside，hehidhisfaceinthefoldsofhismantleandreceivedthetreacherousblowwithoutanefforttostaythehandthatgaveit。Heonlysaid，“Ettu，Brute？”andfelllifelessonthemarblepavement。

WelearnthatthecoatdeceasedhadonwhenhewaskilledwasthesameoneheworeinhistentontheafternoonofthedayheovercametheNervii，andthatwhenitwasremovedfromthecorpseitwasfoundtobecutandgashedinnolessthansevendifferentplaces。Therewasnothinginthepockets。Itwillbeexhibitedatthecoroner’sinquest，andwillbedamningproofofthefactofthekilling。Theselatterfactsmaybereliedon，aswegetthemfromMarkAntony，whosepositionenableshimtolearneveryitemofnewsconnectedwiththeonesubjectofabsorbinginterestof-to-day。

LATER：Whilethecoronerwassummoningajury，MarkAntonyandotherfriendsofthelateCaesargotholdofthebody，andluggeditofftotheForum，andatlastaccountsAntonyandBrutusweremakingspeechesoveritandraisingsucharowamongthepeoplethat，aswegotopress，thechiefofpoliceissatisfiedthereisgoingtobeariot，andistakingmeasuresaccordingly。

THEWIDOW’SPROTEST

Oneofthesaddestthingsthatevercameundermynotice(saidthebanker’sclerk)wasthereinCorningduringthewar。DanMurphyenlistedasaprivate，andfoughtverybravely。Theboysalllikedhim，andwhenawoundbyandbyweakenedhimdowntillcarryingamusketwastooheavyworkforhim，theyclubbedtogetherandfixedhimupasasutler。Hemademoneythen，andsentitalwaystohiswifetobankforhim。Shewasawasherandironer，andknewenoughbyhardexperiencetokeepmoneywhenshegotit。Shedidn’twasteapenny。

Onthecontrary，shebegantogetmiserlyasherbank-accountgrew。Shegrievedtopartwithacent，poorcreature，fortwiceinherhard-workinglifeshehadknownwhatitwastobehungry，cold，friendless，sick，andwithoutadollarintheworld，andshehadahauntingdreadofsufferingsoagain。Well，atlastDandied;andtheboys，intestimonyoftheiresteemandrespectforhim，telegraphedtoMrs。Murphytoknowifshewouldliketohavehimembalmedandsenthome;whenyouknowtheusualcustomwastodumpapoordevillikehimintoashallowhole，andtheninformhisfriendswhathadbecomeofhim。Mrs。Murphyjumpedtotheconclusionthatitwouldonlycosttwoorthreedollarstoembalmherdeadhusband，andsoshetelegraphed“Yes。”，Itwasatthe“wake“thatthebillforembalmingarrivedandwaspresentedtothewidow。

Sheutteredawild，sadwailthatpiercedeveryheart，andsaid，“Sivinty-foivedollarsforstooffin’Dan，blistertheirsowls！，DidthimdivilssupposeIwasgoin’tostairtaMuseim，thatI’dbedalin’insuchexpinsivecuriassities！”

Thebanker’sclerksaidtherewasnotadryeyeinthehouse。

THESCRIPTURALPANORAMIST——[Writtenabout1866。]

Therewasafellowtravelingaroundinthatcountry，“saidMr。

Nickerson，“withamoral-religiousshow——asortofscripturalpanorama——

andhehiredawooden-headedoldslabtoplaythepianoforhim。Afterthefirstnight’sperformancetheshowmansays：

“’Myfriend，youseemtoknowprettymuchallthetunesthereare，andyouworryalongfirstrate。Butthen，didn’tyounoticethatsometimeslastnightthepieceyouhappenedtobeplayingwasalittleroughontheproprieties，sotospeak——didn’tseemtojibewiththegeneralgaitofthepicturethatwaspassingatthetime，asitwere——wasalittleforeigntothesubject，youknow——asifyoudidn’teithertrumporfollowsuit，youunderstand？’

“’Well，no，’thefellowsaid;’hehadn’tnoticed，butitmightbe;hehadplayedalongjustasitcamehandy。’

“Sotheyputitupthatthesimpleolddummywastokeephiseyeonthepanoramaafterthat，andassoonasastunningpicturewasreeledouthewastofitittoadotwithapieceofmusicthatwouldhelptheaudiencetogettheideaofthesubject，andwarmthemuplikeacamp-meetingrevival。Thatsortofthingwouldcorraltheirsympathies，theshowmansaid。

“Therewasabigaudiencethatnight-mostlymiddle-agedandoldpeoplewhobelongtothechurch，andtookastronginterestinBiblematters，andthebalancewereprettymuchyoungbucksandheifers——theyalwayscomeoutstrongonpanoramas，youknow，becauseitgivesthemachancetotasteoneanother’scomplexionsinthedark。

“Well，theshowmanbegantoswellhimselfupforhislecture，andtheoldmud-Jobbertackledthepianoandranhisfingersupanddownonceortwicetoseethatshewasallright，andthefellowsbehindthecurtaincommencedtogrindoutthepanorama。Theshowmanbalancedhisweightonhisrightfoot，andproppedhishandsoverhiships，andflunghiseyesoverhisshoulderatthescenery，andsaid：

“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thepaintingnowbeforeyouillustratesthebeautifulandtouchingparableoftheProdigalSon。Observethehappyexpressionjustbreakingoverthefeaturesofthepoor，sufferingyouth——

sowornandwearywithhislongmarch;notealsotheecstasybeamingfromtheupliftedcountenanceoftheagedfather，andthejoythatsparklesintheeyesoftheexcitedgroupofyouthsandmaidens，andseemsreadytoburstintothewelcomingchorusfromtheirlips。Thelesson，myfriends，isassolemnandinstructiveasthestoryistenderandbeautiful。’

“Themud-Jobberwasallready，andwhenthesecondspeechwasfinished，struckup：

“Oh，we’llallgetblinddrunkWhenJohnnycomesmarchinghome！

“Someofthepeoplegiggled，andsomegroanedalittle。Theshowmancouldn’tsayaword;helookedatthepianistsharp，buthewasalllovelyandserene——hedidn’tknowtherewasanythingoutofgear。

“Thepanoramamovedon，andtheshowmandrummeduphisgritandstartedinfresh。

“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thefinepicturenowunfoldingitselftoyourgazeexhibitsoneofthemostnotableeventsinBiblehistory——ourSaviourandHisdisciplesupontheSeaofGalilee。Howgrand，howawe-

inspiringarethereflectionswhichthesubjectinvokes！，Whatsublimityoffaithisrevealedtousinthislessonfromthesacredwritings！，TheSaviourrebukestheangrywaves，andwalkssecurelyuponthebosomofthedeep！’

“Allaroundthehousetheywerewhispering，’Oh，howlovely，howbeautiful！’andtheorchestralethimselfoutagain：

“Alifeontheoceanwave，Andahomeontherollingdeep！

“Therewasagooddealofhonestsnickeringturnedonthistime，andconsiderablegroaning，andoneortwoolddeaconsgotupandwentout。

Theshowmangratedhisteeth，andcursedthepianomantohimself;butthefellowsattherelikeaknotonalog，andseemedtothinkhewasdoingfirst-rate。

“Afterthingsgotquiettheshowmanthoughthewouldmakeonemorestaggeratit，anyway，thoughhisconfidencewasbeginningtogetmightyshaky。Thesupesstartedthepanoramagrindingalongagain，andhesays：

“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thisexquisitepaintingrepresentstheraisingofLazarusfromthedeadbyourSaviour。Thesubjecthasbeenhandledwithmarvelousskillbytheartist，andsuchtouchingsweetnessandtendernessofexpressionhashethrownintoitthatIhaveknownpeculiarlysensitivepersonstobeevenaffectedtotearsbylookingatit。Observethehalf-confused，half-inquiringlookuponthecountenanceoftheawakenedLazarus。Observe，also，theattitudeandexpressionoftheSaviour，whotakeshimgentlybythesleeveofhisshroudwithonehand，whileHepointswiththeothertowardthedistantcity。’

“Beforeanybodycouldgetoffanopinioninthecasetheinnocentoldassatthepianostruckup：

“Comeriseup，WilliamRi-i-ley，Andgoalongwithme！

“Whe-ew！，Allthesolemnoldflatsgotupinahufftogo，andeverybodyelselaughedtillthewindowsrattled。

“Theshowmanwentdownandgrabbedtheorchestraandshookhimupandsays：

“’Thatletsyouout，youknow，youchowder-headedoldclam。Gotothedoorkeeperandgetyourmoney，andcutyourstick——vamosetheranch！

Ladiesandgentlemen，circumstancesoverwhichIhavenocontrolcompelmeprematurelytodismissthehouse。’“

CURINGACOLD——[Writtenabout1864]

Itisagoodthing，perhaps，towritefortheamusementofthepublic，butitisafarhigherandnoblerthingtowritefortheirinstruction，theirprofit，theiractualandtangiblebenefit。Thelatteristhesoleobjectofthisarticle。Ifitprovethemeansofrestoringtohealthonesolitarysuffereramongmyrace，oflightinguponcemorethefireofhopeandjoyinhisfadedeyes，orbringingbacktohisdeadheartagainthequick，generousimpulsesofotherdays，Ishallbeamplyrewardedformylabor;mysoulwillbepermeatedwiththesacreddelightaChristian。

feelswhenhehasdoneagood，unselfishdeed。

Havingledapureandblamelesslife，IamjustifiedinbelievingthatnomanwhoknowsmewillrejectthesuggestionsIamabouttomake，outoffearthatIamtryingtodeceivehim。Letthepublicdoitselfthehonortoreadmyexperienceindoctoringacold，ashereinsetforth，andthenfollowinmyfootsteps。

WhentheWhiteHousewasburnedinVirginiaCity，Ilostmyhome，myhappiness，myconstitution，andmytrunk。Thelossofthetwofirstnamedarticleswasamatterofnogreatconsequence，sinceahomewithoutamother，orasister，oradistantyoungfemalerelativeinit，toremindyou，byputtingyoursoiledlinenoutofsightandtakingyourbootsdownoffthemantelpiece，thattherearethosewhothinkaboutyouandcareforyou，iseasilyobtained。AndIcarednothingforthelossofmyhappiness，because，notbeingapoet，itcouldnotbepossiblethatmelancholywouldabidewithmelong。Buttoloseagoodconstitutionandabettertrunkwereseriousmisfortunes。Onthedayofthefiremyconstitutionsuccumbedtoaseverecold，causedbyundueexertioningettingreadytodosomething。Isufferedtonopurpose，too，becausetheplanIwasfiguringatfortheextinguishingofthefirewassoelaboratethatInevergotitcompleteduntilthemiddleofthefollowingweek。

ThefirsttimeIbegantosneeze，afriendtoldmetogoandbathemyfeetinhotwaterandgotobed。Ididso。Shortlyafterward，anotherfriendadvisedmetogetupandtakeacoldshower-bath。Ididthatalso。Withinthehour，anotherfriendassuredmethatitwaspolicyto“feedacoldandstarveafever。”，Ihadboth。SoIthoughtitbesttofillmyselfupforthecold，andthenkeepdarkandletthefeverstarveawhile。

Inacaseof，thiskind，Iseldomdothingsbyhalves;Iateprettyheartily;Iconferredmycustomuponastrangerwhohadjustopenedhisrestaurantthatmorning;hewaitednearmeinrespectfulsilenceuntilI

hadfinishedfeedingmycold，whenheinquiredifthepeopleaboutVirginiaCityweremuchafflictedwithcolds？，ItoldhimIthoughttheywere。Hethenwentoutandtookinhissign。

Istarteddowntowardtheoffice，andonthewayencounteredanotherbosomfriend，whotoldmethataquartofsalt-water，takenwarm，wouldcomeasnearcuringacoldasanythingintheworld。IhardlythoughtI

hadroomforit，butItrieditanyhow。Theresultwassurprising。I

believedIhadthrownupmyimmortalsoul。

Now，asIamgivingmyexperienceonlyforthebenefitofthosewhoaretroubledwiththedistemperIamwritingabout，Ifeelthattheywillseetheproprietyofmycautioningthemagainstfollowingsuchportionsofitasprovedinefficientwithme，andactinguponthisconviction，Iwarnthemagainstwarmsalt-water。Itmaybeagoodenoughremedy，butI

thinkitistoosevere。IfIhadanothercoldinthehead，andtherewerenocourseleftmebuttotakeeitheranearthquakeoraquartofwarmsaltwater，Iwouldtakemychancesontheearthquake。

Afterthestormwhichhadbeenraginginmystomachhadsubsided，andnomoregoodSamaritanshappeningalong，Iwentonborrowinghandkerchiefsagainandblowingthemtoatoms，ashadbeenmycustomintheearlystagesofmycold，untilIcameacrossaladywhohadjustarrivedfromovertheplains，andwhosaidshehadlivedinapartofthecountrywheredoctorswerescarce，andhadfromnecessityacquiredconsiderableskillinthetreatmentofsimple“familycomplaints。”，Iknewshemusthavehadmuchexperience，forsheappearedtobeahundredandfiftyyearsold。

Shemixedadecoctioncomposedofmolasses，aquafortis，turpentine，andvariousotherdrugs，andinstructedmetotakeawine-glassfullofiteveryfifteenminutes。Inevertookbutonedose;thatwasenough;itrobbedmeofallmoralprinciple，andawokeeveryunworthyimpulseofmynature。Underitsmaligninfluencemybrainconceivedmiraclesofmeanness，butmyhandsweretoofeebletoexecutethem;atthattime，haditnotbeenthatmystrengthhadsurrenderedtoasuccessionofassaultsfrominfallibleremediesformycold，IamsatisfiedthatIwouldhavetriedtorobthegraveyard。Likemostotherpeople，Ioftenfeelmean，andactaccordingly;butuntilItookthatmedicineIhadneverreveledinsuchsupernaturaldepravity，andfeltproudofit。AttheendoftwodaysIwasreadytogotodoctoringagain。Itookafewmoreunfailingremedies，andfinallydrovemycoldfrommyheadtomylungs。

Igottocoughingincessantly，andmyvoicefellbelowzero;Iconversedinathunderingbass，twooctavesbelowmynaturaltone;Icouldonlycompassmyregularnightlyreposebycoughingmyselfdowntoastateofutterexhaustion，andthenthemomentIbegantotalkinmysleep，mydiscordantvoicewokemeupagain。

Mycasegrewmoreandmoreseriouseveryday。APlainginwasrecommended;Itookit。Thenginandmolasses;Itookthatalso。Thenginandonions;Iaddedtheonions，andtookallthree。Idetectednoparticularresult，however，exceptthatIhadacquiredabreathlikeabuzzard’s。

IfoundIhadtotravelformyhealth。IwenttoLakeBiglerwithmyreportorialcomrade，Wilson。Itisgratifyingtometoreflectthatwetraveledinconsiderablestyle;wewentinthePioneercoach，andmyfriendtookallhisbaggagewithhim，consistingoftwoexcellentsilkhandkerchiefsandadaguerreotypeofhisgrandmother。Wesailedandhuntedandfishedanddancedallday，andIdoctoredmycoughallnight。

Bymanaginginthisway，Imadeouttoimproveeveryhourinthetwenty-

four。Butmydiseasecontinuedtogrowworse。

Asheet-bathwasrecommended。Ihadneverrefusedaremedyyet，anditseemedpoorpolicytocommencethen;thereforeIdeterminedtotakeasheet-bath，notwithstandingIhadnoideawhatsortofarrangementitwas。Itwasadministeredatmidnight，andtheweatherwasveryfrosty。

Mybreastandbackwerebared，andasheet(thereappearedtobeathousandyardsofit)soakedinice-water，waswoundaroundmeuntilI

resembledaswabforaColumbiad。

Itisacruelexpedient。Whenthechillyragtouchesone’swarmflesh，itmakeshimstartwithsuddenviolence，andgaspforbreathjustasmendointhedeath-agony。Itfrozethemarrowinmybonesandstoppedthebeatingofmyheart。Ithoughtmytimehadcome。

YoungWilsonsaidthecircumstanceremindedhimofananecdoteaboutanegrowhowasbeingbaptized，andwhoslippedfromtheparson’sgrasp，andcamenearbeingdrowned。Heflounderedaround，though，andfinallyroseupoutofthewaterconsiderablystrangledandfuriouslyangry，andstartedashoreatonce，spoutingwaterlikeawhale，andremarking，withgreatasperity，that“oneo’desedayssomegen’l’man’sniggergwynetogetkilledwidjis’suchdamnfoolishnessasdis！”

Nevertakeasheet-bath-never。Nexttomeetingaladyacquaintancewho，forreasonsbestknowntoherself，don’tseeyouwhenshelooksatyou，anddon’tknowyouwhenshedoesseeyou，itisthemostuncomfortablethingintheworld。

But，asIwassaying，whenthesheet-bathfailedtocuremycough，aladyfriendrecommendedtheapplicationofamustardplastertomybreast。Ibelievethatwouldhavecuredmeeffectually，ifithadnotbeenforyoungWilson。WhenIwenttobed，Iputmymustardplaster——

whichwasaverygorgeousone，eighteeninchessquare——whereIcouldreachitwhenIwasreadyforit。ButyoungWilsongothungryinthenight，andhereisfoodfortheimagination。

AftersojourningaweekatLakeBigler，IwenttoSteamboatSprings，and，besidesthesteam-baths，Itookalotofthevilestmedicinesthatwereeverconcocted。Theywouldhavecuredme，butIhadtogobacktoVirginiaCity，where，notwithstandingthevarietyofnewremediesI

absorbedeveryday，Imanagedtoaggravatemydiseasebycarelessnessandundueexposure。

IfinallyconcludedtovisitSanFrancisco，andthe，firstdayIgottherealadyatthehoteltoldmetodrinkaquartofwhiskyeverytwenty-fourhours，andafriendup-townrecommendedpreciselythesamecourse。Eachadvisedmetotakeaquart;thatmadehalfagallon。Ididit，andstilllive。

Now，withthekindestmotivesintheworld，IofferfortheconsiderationofconsumptivepatientsthevariegatedcourseoftreatmentIhavelatelygonethrough。Letthemtryit;ifitdon’tcure，itcan’tmorethankillthem。

ACURIOUSPLEASUREEXCURSION——

[Publishedatthetimeofthe“CometScare“inthesummerof1874]

[Wehavereceivedthefollowingadvertisement，but，inasmuchasitconcernsamatterofdeepandgeneralinterest，wefeelfullyjustifiedininsertingitinourreading-columns。Weareconfidentthatourconductinthisregardneedsonlyexplanation，notapology——Ed。N。Y。

Herald。]

ThisistoinformthepublicthatinconnectionwithMr。BarnumIhaveleasedthecometforaterm，ofyears;andIdesirealsotosolicitthepublicpatronageinfavorofabeneficialenterprisewhichwehaveinview。

Weproposetofitupcomfortable，andevenluxurious，accommodationsinthecometforasmanypersonsaswillhonoruswiththeirpatronage，andmakeanextendedexcursionamongtheheavenlybodies。Weshallprepare1，000，000state-roomsinthetailofthecomet(withhotandcoldwater，gas，looking-glass，parachute，umbrella，etc。ineach)，andshallconstructmoreifwemeetwithasufficientlygenerousencouragement。

Weshallhavebilliard-rooms，card-rooms，music-rooms，bowling-alleysandmanyspacioustheatersandfreelibraries;andonthemaindeckweproposetohaveadrivingpark，withupwardof100，000milesofroadwayinit。Weshallpublishdailynewspapersalso。

DEPARTUREOFTHECOMET

ThecometwillleaveNewYorkat10P。M。onthe20thinst。andthereforeitwillbedesirablethatthepassengersbeonboardbyeightatthelatest，toavoidconfusioningettingunderway。Itisnotknownwhetherpassportswillbenecessaryornot，butitisdeemedbestthatpassengersprovidethem，andsoguardagainstallcontingencies。Nodogswillbeallowedonboard。Thisrulehasbeenmadeindeferencetotheexistingstateoffeelingregardingtheseanimals，andwillbestrictlyadheredto。Thesafetyofthepassengerswillinallwaysbejealouslylookedto。Asubstantialironrailingwillbeputupallaroundthecomet，andnoonewillbeallowedtogototheedgeandlookoverunlessaccompaniedbyeithermypartnerormyself。

THEPOSTALSERVICE

willbeofthecompletestcharacter。Ofcoursethetelegraph，andthetelegraphonly，willbeemployed;consequentlyfriendsoccupyingstate-

rooms20，000，000andeven30，000，000milesapartwillbeabletosendamessageandreceiveareplyinsideofelevendays。Nightmessageswillbehalf-rate。ThewholeofthisvastpostalsystemwillbeunderthepersonalsuperintendenceofMr。HaleofMaine。Mealsservedatallhours。Mealsservedinstateroomschargedextra。

Hostilityisnotapprehendedfromanygreatplanet，butwehavethoughtitbesttoerronthesafeside，andthereforehaveprovidedapropernumberofmortars，siege-guns，andboarding-pikes。Historyshowsthatsmall，isolatedcommunities，suchasthepeopleofremoteislands，arepronetobehostiletostrangers，andsothesamemaybethecasewith，THEINHABITANTSOFSTARS

ofthetenthortwentiethmagnitude。Weshallinnocasewantonlyoffendthepeopleofanystar，butshalltreatallalikewithurbanityandkindliness，neverconductingourselvestowardanasteroidafterafashionwhichwecouldnotventuretoassumetowardJupiterorSaturn。Irepeatthatweshallnotwantonlyoffendanystar;butatthesametimeweshallpromptlyresentanyinjurythatmaybedoneus，oranyinsolenceofferedus，bypartiesorgovernmentsresidinginanystarinthefirmament。

Althoughaversetothesheddingofblood，weshallstillholdthiscourserigidlyandfearlessly，notonlytowardsinglestars，buttowardconstellations。WeshallhopetoleaveagoodimpressionofAmericabehindusineverynationwevisit，fromVenustoUranus。And，atallevents，ifwecannotinspireloveweshallatleastcompelrespectforourcountrywhereverwego。Weshalltakewithus，freeofcharge，AGREATFORCEOFMISSIONARIES，andshedthetruelightuponallthecelestialorbswhich，physicallyaglow，areyetmorallyindarkness。Sunday-schoolswillbeestablishedwhereverpracticable。Compulsoryeducationwillalsobeintroduced。

ThecometwillvisitMarsfirst，andproceedtoMercury，Jupiter，Venus，andSaturn。PartiesconnectedwiththegovernmentoftheDistrictofColumbiaandwiththeformercitygovernmentofNewYork，whomaydesiretoinspecttherings，willbeallowedtimeandeveryfacility。Everystarofprominentmagnitudewillbevisited，andtimeallowedforexcursionstopointsofinterestinland。

THEDOGSTAR

hasbeenstrickenfromtheprogram。MuchtimewillbespentintheGreatBear，and，indeed，ineveryconstellationofimportance。So，also，withtheSunandMoonandtheMilkyPay，otherwisetheGulfStreamoftheSkies。Clothingsuitableforwearinthesunshouldbeprovided。Ourprogramhasbeensoarrangedthatweshallseldomgomorethan100，000，000ofmilesatatimewithoutstoppingatsomestar。Thiswillnecessarilymakethestoppagesfrequentandpreservetheinterestofthetourist。Baggagecheckedthroughtoanypointontheroute。Partiesdesiringtomakeonlyapartoftheproposedtour，andthussaveexpense，maystopoveratanystartheychooseandwaitforthereturnvoyage。

Aftervisitingallthemostcelebratedstarsandconstellationsinoursystemandpersonally，inspectingtheremotestsparksthateventhemostpowerfultelescopecannowdetectinthefirmament，weshallproceedwithgoodheartupon，ASTUPENDOUSVOYAGE

ofdiscoveryamongthecountlesswhirlingworldsthatmaketurmoilinthemightywastesofspacethatstretchtheirsolemnsolitudes，theirunimaginablevastnessbillionsuponbillionsofmilesawaybeyondthefarthestvergeoftelescopicvision，tillbycomparisonthelittlesparklingvaultweusedtogazeatonEarthshallseemlikearememberedphosphorescentflashofspangleswhichsometropicalvoyager’sprowstirredintolifeforasingleinstant，andwhichtenthousandmilesofphosphorescentseasandtediouslapseoftimehadsincediminishedtoanincidentutterlytrivialinhisrecollection。Childrenoccupyingseatsatthefirsttablewillbechargedfullfare。

FIRST-CLASSFARE

fromtheEarthtoUranus，includingvisitstotheSunandMoonandalltheprincipalplanetsontheroute，willbechargedatthelowrateof$2forevery50，000，000milesofactualtravel。Agreatreductionwillbemadewherepartieswishtomaketheroundtrip。Thiscometisnewandinthoroughrepairandisnowonherfirstvoyage。Sheisconfessedlythefastestontheline。Shemakes20，000，000milesaday，withherpresentfacilities;but，withapickedAmericancrewandgoodweather，weareconfidentwecanget40，000，000outofher。Still，weshallneverpushhertoadangerousspeed，andweshallrigidlyprohibitracingwithothercomets。Passengersdesiringtodivergeatanypointorreturnwillbetransferredtoothercomets。Wemakecloseconnectionsatallprincipalpointswithallreliablelines。Safetycanbedependedupon。

Itisnottobedeniedthattheheavensareinfestedwith，OLDRAMSHACKLECOMETS

thathavenotbeeninspectedoroverhauledin10，000years，andwhichoughtlongagotohavebeendestroyedorturnedintohail-barges，butwiththesewehavenoconnectionwhatever。Steeragepassengersnotallowedabaftthemainhatch。

Complimentaryround-tripticketshavebeentenderedtoGeneralButler，Mr。Shepherd，Mr。Richardson，andothereminentgentlemen，whosepublicserviceshaveentitledthemtotherestandrelaxationofavoyageofthiskind。Partiesdesiringtomaketheroundtripwillhaveextraaccommodation。Theentirevoyagewillbecompleted，andthepassengerslandedinNewYorkagain，onthe14thofDecember，1991。Thisis，atleast，fortyyearsquickerthananyothercometcandoitin。Nearlyalltheback-paymemberscontemplatemakingtheroundtripwithusincasetheirconstituentswillallowthemaholiday。Everyharmlessamusementwillbeallowedonboard，butnopoolspermittedontherunofthecomet——nogamblingofanykind。Allfixedstarswillberespectedbyus，butsuchstarsasseem，toneedfixingweshallfix。Ifitmakestrouble，weshallbesorry，butfirm。

Mr。Coggiahavingleasedhiscomettous，shewillnolongerbecalledbyhisname，butbymypartner’s。N。B——Passengersbypayingdoublefarewillbeentitledtoashareinallthenewstars，suns，moons，comets，meteors，andmagazinesofthunderandlightningwemaydiscover。Patent-

medicinepeoplewilltakenoticethat，WECARRYBULLETIN-BOARDS

andapaint-brushalongforuseintheconstellations，andareopentoterms。Cremationistsareremindedthatwearegoingstraightto——somehotplaces——andareopentoterms。Tootherpartiesourenterpriseisapleasureexcursion，butindividuallywemeanbusiness。Weshallflyourcometforallitisworth。

FORFURTHERPARTICULARS，orforfreightorpassage，applyonboard，ortomypartner，butnottome，sinceIdonottakechargeofthecometuntilsheisunderway。

Itisnecessary，atatimelikethis，thatmymindshouldnotbeburdenedwithsmallbusinessdetails。

MARKTWAIN。

RUNNINGFORGOVERNOR——[Writtenabout1870。]

AfewmonthsagoIwasnominatedforGovernorofthegreatstateofNewYork，torunagainstMr。JohnT。SmithandMr。BlankJ。Blankonanindependentticket。IsomehowfeltthatIhadoneprominentadvantageoverthesegentlemen，andthatwas——goodcharacter。Itwaseasytoseebythenewspapersthatifevertheyhadknownwhatitwastobearagoodname，thattimehadgoneby。Itwasplainthatintheselatteryearstheyhadbecomefamiliarwithallmannerofshamefulcrimes。ButattheverymomentthatIwasexaltingmyadvantageandjoyinginitinsecret，therewasamuddyundercurrentofdiscomfort“riling“thedeepsofmyhappiness，andthatwas——thehavingtohearmynamebandiedaboutinfamiliarconnectionwiththoseofsuchpeople。Igrewmoreandmoredisturbed。FinallyIwrotemygrandmotheraboutit。Heranswercamequickandsharp。Shesaid：

Youhaveneverdoneonesinglethinginallyourlifetobeashamedof——notone。Lookatthenewspapers——lookatthemandcomprehendwhatsortofcharactersMessrs。SmithandBlankare，andthenseeifyouarewillingtoloweryourselftotheirlevelandenterapubliccanvasswiththem。

Itwasmyverythought！，Ididnotsleepasinglemomentthatnight。

But，afterall，Icouldnotrecede。

Iwasfullycommitted，andmustgoonwiththefight。AsIwaslookinglistlesslyoverthepapersatbreakfastIcameacrossthisparagraph，andImaytrulysayIneverwassoconfoundedbefore。

PERJURY——Perhaps，nowthatMr。MarkTwainisbeforethepeopleasacandidateforGovernor，hewillcondescendtoexplainhowhecametobeconvictedofperjurybythirty-fourwitnessesinWakawak，CochinChina，in1863，theintentofwhichperjurybeingtorobapoornativewidowandherhelplessfamilyofameagerplantain-patch，theironlystayandsupportintheirbereavementanddesolation。

Mr。Twainowesittohimself，aswellastothegreatpeoplewhosesuffragesheasks，toclearthismatterup。Willhedoit？

IthoughtIshouldburstwithamazement！，Suchacruel，heartlesscharge！

IneverhadseenCochinChina！，IneverhadheardofWakawak！，Ididn’tknowaplantain-patchfromakangaroo！，Ididnotknowwhattodo。Iwascrazedandhelpless。Iletthedayslipawaywithoutdoinganythingatall。Thenextmorningthesamepaperhadthis——nothingmore：

SIGNIFICANT——Mr。Twain，itwillbeobserved，issuggestivelysilentabouttheCochinChinaperjury。

[Mem——Duringtherestofthecampaignthispaperneverreferredtomeinanyotherwaythanas“theinfamousperjurerTwain。”]

NextcametheGazette，withthis：

WANTEDTOKNOW——WillthenewcandidateforGovernordeigntoexplaintocertainofhisfellow-citizens(whoaresufferingtovoteforhim！)thelittlecircumstanceofhiscabin-matesinMontanalosingsmallvaluablesfromtimetotime，untilatlast，thesethingshavingbeeninvariablyfoundonMr。Twain’spersonorinhis“trunk“(newspaperherolledhistrapsin)，theyfeltcompelledtogivehimafriendlyadmonitionforhisowngood，andsotarredandfeatheredhim，androdehimonarail;andthenadvisedhimtoleaveapermanentvacuumintheplaceheusuallyoccupiedinthecamp。

Willhedothis？

Couldanythingbemoredeliberatelymaliciousthanthat？，ForIneverwasinMontanainmylife。

[Afterthis，thisjournalcustomarilyspokeofmeas，“Twain，theMontanaThief。”]

Igottopickinguppapersapprehensively——muchasonewouldliftadesiredblanketwhichhehadsomeideamighthavearattlesnakeunderit。

Onedaythismetmyeye：

THELIENAILED——BytheswornaffidavitsofMichaelO’Flanagan，Esq。oftheFivePoints，andMr。SnubRaffertyandMr。CattyMulligan，ofWaterStreet，itisestablishedthatMr。MarkTwain’svilestatementthatthelamentedgrandfatherofournoblestandard-

bearer，BlankJ。Blank，washangedforhighwayrobbery，isabrutalandgratuitousLIE，withoutashadowoffoundationinfact。Itisdishearteningtovirtuousmentoseesuchshamefulmeansresortedtotoachievepoliticalsuccessastheattackingofthedeadintheirgraves，anddefilingtheirhonorednameswithslander。Whenwethinkoftheanguishthismiserablefalsehoodmustcausetheinnocentrelativesandfriendsofthedeceased，wearealmostdriventoinciteanoutragedandinsultedpublictosummaryandunlawfulvengeanceuponthetraducer。Butno！letusleavehimtotheagonyofalaceratedconscience(thoughifpassionshouldgetthebetterofthepublic，andinitsblindfurytheyshoulddothetraducerbodilyinjury，itisbuttooobviousthatnojurycouldconvictandnocourtpunishtheperpetratorsofthedeed)。

Theingeniousclosingsentencehadtheeffectofmovingmeoutofbedwithdespatchthatnight，andoutatthebackdooralso，whilethe“outragedandinsultedpublic“surgedinthefrontway，breakingfurnitureandwindowsintheirrighteousindignationastheycame，andtakingoffsuchpropertyastheycouldcarrywhentheywent。

AndyetIcanlaymyhandupontheBookandsaythatIneverslanderedMr。Blank’sgrandfather。More：Ihadneverevenheardofhimormentionedhimuptothatdayanddate。

[Iwillstate，inpassing，thatthejournalabovequotedfromalwaysreferredtomeafterwardas“Twain，theBody-Snatcher。”]

Thenextnewspaperarticlethatattractedmyattentionwasthefollowing：

ASWEETCANDIDATE——Mr。MarkTwain，whowastomakesuchablightingspeechatthemass-meetingoftheIndependentslastnight，didn’tcometotime！，Atelegramfromhisphysicianstatedthathehadbeenknockeddownbyarunawayteam，andhislegbrokenintwoplaces——suffererlyingingreatagony，andsoforth，andsoforth，andalotmoreboshofthesamesort。AndtheIndependentstriedhardtoswallowthewretchedsubterfuge，andpretendthattheydidnotknowwhatwastherealreasonoftheabsenceoftheabandonedcreaturewhomtheydenominatetheirstandard-bearer。AcertainmanwasseentoreelintoMr。Twain’shotellastnightinastateofbeastlyintoxication。ItistheimperativedutyoftheIndependentstoprovethatthisbesottedbrutewasnotMarkTwainhimself。Wehavethematlast！，Thisisacasethatadmitsofnoshirking。Thevoiceofthepeopledemandsinthundertones，“WHOWASTHATMAN？”

Itwasincredible，absolutelyincredible，foramoment，thatitwasreallymynamethatwascoupledwiththisdisgracefulsuspicion。ThreelongyearshadpassedovermyheadsinceIhadtastedale，beer，wineorliquororanykind。

[ItshowswhateffectthetimeswerehavingonmewhenIsaythatIsawmyself，confidentlydubbed“Mr。DeliriumTremensTwain“inthenextissueofthatjournalwithoutapang——notwithstandingIknewthatwithmonotonousfidelitythepaperwouldgooncallingmesototheveryend。]

Bythistimeanonymouslettersweregettingtobeanimportantpartofmymailmatter。Thisformwascommon，Howaboutthatoldwomanyoukikedofyourpremiseswhichwasbeging。，POL。PRY。

Andthis：

ThereisthingswhichyouHavedonewhichisunbeknowenstoanybodybutme。Youbettertrotoutafewdots，toyourstruly，oryou’llhearthroughthepapersfromHANDYANDY。

Thisisabouttheidea。Icouldcontinuethemtillthereaderwassurfeited，ifdesirable。

ShortlytheprincipalRepublicanjournal“convicted“meofwholesalebribery，andtheleadingDemocraticpaper“nailed“anaggravatedcaseofblackmailingtome。

[InthiswayIacquiredtwoadditionalnames：“TwaintheFilthyCorruptionist“and“TwaintheLoathsomeEmbracer。”]

Bythistimetherehadgrowntobesuchaclamorforan“answer“toallthedreadfulchargesthatwerelaidtomethattheeditorsandleadersofmypartysaiditwouldbepoliticalruinformetoremainsilentanylonger。Asiftomaketheirappealthemoreimperative，thefollowingappearedinoneofthepaperstheverynextday：

BEHOLDTHEMAN！——Theindependentcandidatestillmaintainssilence。

Becausehedarenotspeak。Everyaccusationagainsthimhasbeenamplyproved，andtheyhavebeenindorsedandreindorsedbyhisowneloquentsilence，tillatthisdayhestandsforeverconvicted。

Lookuponyourcandidate，Independents！，LookupontheInfamousPerjurer！，theMontanaThief！，theBody-Snatcher！，ContemplateyourincarnateDeliriumTremens！，yourFilthyCorruptionist！，yourLoathsomeEmbracer！，Gazeuponhim——ponderhimwell——andthensayifyoucangiveyourhonestvotestoacreaturewhohasearnedthisdismalarrayoftitlesbyhishideouscrimes，anddaresnotopenhismouthindenialofanyoneofthem！

Therewasnopossiblewayofgettingoutofit，andso，indeephumiliation，Isetaboutpreparingto“answer“amassofbaselesschargesandmeanandwickedfalsehoods。ButIneverfinishedthetask，fortheverynextmorningapapercameoutwithanewhorror，afreshmalignity，andseriouslychargedmewithburningalunaticasylumwithallitsinmates，becauseitobstructedtheviewfrommyhouse。Thisthrewmeintoasortofpanic。Thencamethechargeofpoisoningmyuncletogethisproperty，withanimperativedemandthatthegraveshouldbeopened。

Thisdrovemetothevergeofdistraction。OntopofthisIwasaccusedofemployingtoothlessandincompetentoldrelativestopreparethefoodforthefoundling’hospitalwhenIwarden。Iwaswavering——wavering。

Andatlast，asadueandfittingclimaxtotheshamelesspersecutionthatpartyrancorhadinflicteduponme，ninelittletoddlingchildren，ofallshadesofcoloranddegreesofraggedness，weretaughttorushontotheplatformatapublicmeeting，andclaspmearoundthelegsandcallmePA！

Igaveitup。Ihauleddownmycolorsandsurrendered。IwasnotequaltotherequirementsofaGubernatorialcampaigninthestateofNewYork，andsoIsentinmywithdrawalfromthecandidacy，andinbitternessofspiritsignedit，“Trulyyours，onceadecentman，butnow，MARKTWAIN，LP。M。T。B。S。D。T。F。C。andL。E。”

AMYSTERIOUSVISIT

ThefirstnoticethatwastakenofmewhenI“settleddown“recentlywasbyagentlemanwhosaidhewasanassessor，andconnectedwiththeU。S。

InternalRevenueDepartment。IsaidIhadneverheardofhisbranchofbusinessbefore，butIwasverygladtoseehimallthesame。Wouldhesitdown？，Hesatdown。Ididnotknowanythingparticulartosay，andyetIfeltthatpeoplewhohavearrivedatthedignityofkeepinghousemustbeconversational，mustbeeasyandsociableincompany。So，indefaultofanythingelsetosay，Iaskedhimifhewasopeninghisshopinourneighborhood。

Hesaidhewas。[Ididnotwishtoappearignorant，butIhadhopedhewouldmentionwhathehadforsale。]

Iventuredtoaskhim“Howwastrade？”Andhesaid“So-so。”

Ithensaidwewoulddropin，andifwelikedhishouseaswellasanyother，wewouldgivehimourcustom。

Hesaidhethoughtwewouldlikehisestablishmentwellenoughtoconfineourselvestoit——saidheneversawanybodywhowouldgooffandhuntupanothermaninhislineaftertradingwithhimonce。

Thatsoundedprettycomplacent，butbarringthatnaturalexpressionofvillainywhichweallhave，themanlookedhonestenough。

Idonotknowhowitcameaboutexactly，butgraduallyweappearedtomeltdownandruntogether，conversationallyspeaking，andtheneverythingwentalongascomfortablyasclockwork。

Wetalked，andtalked，andtalked——atleastIdid;andwelaughed，andlaughed，andlaughed——atleasthedid。ButallthetimeIhadmypresenceofmindaboutme——Ihadmynativeshrewdnessturnedon“fullhead，“astheengineerssay。Iwasdeterminedtofindoutallabouthisbusinessinspiteofhisobscureanswers——andIwasdeterminedIwouldhaveitoutofhimwithouthissuspectingwhatIwasat。Imeanttotraphimwithadeep，deepruse。Iwouldtellhimallaboutmyownbusiness，andhewouldnaturallysowarmtomeduringthisseductiveburstofconfidencethathewouldforgethimself，andtellmeallabouthisaffairsbeforehesuspectedwhatIwasabout。Ithoughttomyself，Myson，youlittleknowwhatanoldfoxyouaredealingwith。Isaid：

“NowyouneverwouldguesswhatImadelecturingthiswinterandlastspring？”

“No——don’tbelieveIcould，tosaveme。Letmesee——letmesee。Abouttwothousanddollars，maybe？，Butno;no，sir，Iknowyoucouldn’thavemadethatmuch。Sayseventeenhundred，maybe？”

“Ha！ha！，Iknewyoucouldn’t。Mylecturingreceiptsforlastspringandthiswinterwerefourteenthousandsevenhundredandfiftydollars。Whatdoyouthinkofthat？”

“Why，itisamazing-perfectlyamazing。Iwillmakeanoteofit。Andyousayeventhiswasn’tall？”

“All！，Whyblessyou，therewasmyincomefromtheDailyWarwhoopforfourmonths——about——about——well，whatshouldyousaytoabouteightthousanddollars，forinstance？”

“Say！，Why，IshouldsayIshouldliketoseemyselfrollinginjustsuchanotheroceanofaffluence。Eightthousand！，I’llmakeanoteofit。

Whyman！——andontopofallthisamItounderstandthatyouhadstillmoreincome？”

“Ha！ha！ha！，Why，you’reonlyinthesuburbsofit，sotospeak。

There’smybook，TheInnocentsAbroadprice$3。50to$5，accordingtothebinding。Listentome。Lookmeintheeye。Duringthelastfourmonthsandahalf，sayingnothingofsalesbeforethat，butjustsimplyduringthefourmonthsandahalf，we’vesoldninety-fivethousandcopiesofthatbook。Ninety-fivethousand！，Thinkofit。Averagefourdollarsacopy，say。It’snearlyfourhundredthousanddollars，myson。Igethalf。”

“ThesufferingMoses！，I’llsetthatdown。Fourteen-seven-fifty——eight-

twohundred。Total，say——well，uponmyword，thegrandtotalisabouttwohundredandthirteenorfourteenthousanddollars！，Isthatpossible？”

“Possible！，Ifthere’sanymistakeit’stheotherway。Twohundredandfourteenthousand，cash，ismyincomeforthisyearifIknowhowtocipher。”

Thenthegentlemangotuptogo。ItcameovermemostuncomfortablythatmaybeIhadmademyrevelationsfornothing，besidesbeingflatteredintostretchingthemconsiderablybythestranger’sastonishedexclamations。

Butno;atthelastmomentthegentlemanhandedmealargeenvelope，andsaiditcontainedhisadvertisement;andthatIwouldfindoutallabouthisbusinessinit;andthathewouldbehappytohavemycustom-would，infact，beproudtohavethecustomofamanofsuchprodigiousincome;

andthatheusedtothinktherewereseveralwealthymeninthecity，butwhentheycametotradewithhimhediscoveredthattheybarelyhadenoughtoliveon;andthat，intruth，ithadbeensuchaweary，wearyagesincehehadseenarichmanfacetoface，andtalkedtohim，andtouchedhimwithhishands，thathecouldhardlyrefrainfromembracingme——infact，wouldesteemitagreatfavorifIwouldlethimembraceme。

ThissopleasedmethatIdidnottrytoresist，butallowedthissimple-

heartedstrangertothrowhisarmsaboutmeandweepafewtranquilizingtearsdownthebackofmyneck。Thenhewenthisway。

AssoonashewasgoneIopenedhisadvertisement。Istudieditattentivelyforfourminutes。Ithencalledupthecook，andsaid：

“HoldmewhileIfaint！，LetMarieturnthegriddle-cakes。”

Byandby，whenIcameto，Isentdowntotherum-millonthecornerandhiredanartistbytheweektositupnightsandcursethatstranger，andgivemealiftoccasionallyinthedaytimewhenIcametoahardplace。

Ah，whatamiscreanthewas！，His“advertisement，wasnothingintheworld。butawickedtax-return——astringofimpertinentquestionsaboutmyprivateaffairs，occupyingthebestpartoffourfools-cappagesoffineprint-questions，Imayremark，gottenupwithsuchmarvelousingenuitythattheoldestmanintheworldcouldn’tunderstandwhatthemostofthemweredrivingat——questions，too，thatwerecalculatedtomakeamanreportaboutfourtimeshisactualincometokeepfromswearingtoafalsehood。Ilookedforaloophole，buttheredidnotappeartobeany。InquiryNo。1coveredmycaseasgenerouslyandasamplyasanumbrellacouldcoveranant-hill：

Whatwereyourprofits，duringthepastyear，fromanytrade，business，orvocation，wherevercarriedon？

Andthatinquirywasbackedupbythirteenothersofanequallysearchingnature，themostmodestofwhichrequiredinformationastowhetherIhadcommittedanyburglaryorhighwayrobbery，or，byanyarsonorothersecretsourceofemolumenthadacquiredpropertywhichwasnotenumeratedinmystatementofincomeassetoppositetoinquiryNo。1。

Itwasplainthatthatstrangerhadenabledmetomakeagooseofmyself。

Itwasvery，veryplain;andsoIwentoutandhiredanotherartist。

Byworkingonmyvanity，thestrangerhadseducedmeintodeclaringanincomeoftwohundredandfourteenthousanddollars。Bylaw，onethousanddollarsofthiswasexemptfromincometax——theonlyreliefI

couldsee，anditwasonlyadropintheocean。Atthelegalfivepercent。Imustpaytothegovernmentthesumoftenthousandsixhundredandfiftydollars，incometax！

[Imayremark，inthisplace，thatIdidnotdoit。]

Iamacquaintedwithaveryopulentman，whosehouseisapalace，whosetableisregal，whoseoutlaysareenormous，yetamanwhohasnoincome，asIhaveoftennoticedbytherevenuereturns;andtohimIwentforadviceinmydistress。Hetookmydreadfulexhibitionofreceipts，heputonhisglasses，hetookhispen，andpresto！——Iwasapauper！，Itwastheneatestthingthateverwas。Hediditsimplybydeftlymanipulatingthebillof“DEDUCTIONS。”，Hesetdownmy“State，national，andmunicipaltaxes“atsomuch;my“lossesbyshipwreck;fire，etc。”atsomuch;my“lossesonsalesofrealestate“——on“livestocksold“——on“paymentsforrentofhomestead“——on“repairs，improvements，interest“——on“previouslytaxedsalaryasanofficeroftheUnitedStatesarmy，navy，revenueservice，“andotherthings。Hegotastonishing“deductions“outofeachandeveryoneofthesematters——eachandeveryoneofthem。Andwhenhewasdonehehandedmethepaper，andIsawataglancethatduringtheyearmyincome，inthewayofprofits，hadbeenonethousandtwohundredandfiftydollarsandfortycents。

“Now，“saidhe，“thethousanddollarsisexemptbylaw。Whatyouwanttodoistogoandswearthisdocumentinandpaytaxonthetwohundredandfiftydollars。”

[WhilehewasmakingthisspeechhislittleboyWillieliftedatwo-

dollargreenbackoutofhisvestpocketandvanishedwithit，andIwouldwager;anythingthatifmystrangerweretocallonthatlittleboyto-

morrowhewouldmakeafalsereturnofhisincome。]

“Doyou，“saidI，“doyoualwaysworkupthe’deductions’afterthisfashioninyourowncase，sir？”

“Well，Ishouldsayso！，Ifitweren’tforthoseelevensavingclausesundertheheadof’Deductions’Ishouldbebeggaredeveryyeartosupportthishatefulandwicked，thisextortionateandtyrannicalgovernment。”

Thisgentlemanstandsawayupamongtheverybestofthesolidmenofthecity——themenofmoralweight，ofcommercialintegrity，ofunimpeachable，socialspotlessness——andsoIbowedtohisexample。Iwentdowntotherevenueoffice，andundertheaccusingeyesofmyoldvisitorIstoodupandsworetolieafterlie，fraudafterfraud，villainyaftervillainy，tillmysoulwascoatedinchesandinchesthickwithperjury，andmyself-respectgoneforeverandever。

Butwhatofit？，Itisnothingmorethanthousandsoftherichestandproudest，andmostrespected，honored，andcourtedmeninAmericadoeveryyear。AndsoIdon’tcare。Iamnotashamed。Ishallsimply，forthepresent，talklittleandeschewfire-proofgloves，lestIfallintocertaindreadfulhabitsirrevocably。

End