第6章

’Well，dahwasmyolemangone，an’allmychil’en，allmysevenchil’en——an’sixof’emIhain’tseteyesonag’intodisday，an’dat’stwenty-twoyearagolas’Easter。Demandatboughtmeb’long’inNewbern，an’hetookmedah。Well，bymebydeyearsrollonan’dewawcome。MymarsterhewasaConfedritcolonel，an’Iwashisfamily’scook。SowhendeUnionstookdattowndeyallrunawayan’lef’meallbymyse’fwiddeotherniggersindatmons’usbighouse。SodebigUnionofficersmoveindah，an’deyaskmewouldIcookfordem。’Lordblessyou，’saysI，’datwhatI’sfor。’

“Deywa’n’tnosmall-fryofficers，mineyou，dewasdebiggestdeyis;

an’dewaydeymadedemsojersmoseyroun’！，DeGen’lhetolemetobossdatkitchen;an’hesay，’Ifanybodycomemeddlin’widyou，youjistmake’emwalkchalk;don’tyoubeafeared，’hesay;’you’s’mongfrensnow。’

“Well，Ithinkstomyse’f，ifmylittleHenryevergotachancetorunaway，he’dmaketodeNorf，o’course。SoonedayIcomesindahwhardebigofficerswas，indeparlor，an’Idropsakurtchy，so，an’Iupan’

tole’em’boutmyHenry，deya-listenin’tomytroublesjistdesameasifIwaswhitefolks;an’Isays，’WhatIcomeforisbeca’seifhegotawayandgotupNorfwharyougemmencomesfrom，youmight’a’seenhim，maybe，an’couldtellmesoasIcouldfinehimag’in;hewasverylittle，an’hehadask-yaronhislef’wris’an’atdetopofhisforehead。’Dendeylookmournful，an’deGen’lsays，’Howlongsenceyoulos’him？’an’Isay，’Thirteenyear。DendeGen’lsay，’Hewouldn’tbelittlenomo’now——he’saman！’

“Ineverthoughto’datbefo’！，Hewasonlydatlittlefellertomeyit。

Ineverthought’bouthimgrowin’upan’bein’big。ButIseeitden。

Noneo’degemmenhadrunacrosthim，sodeycouldn’tdonothin’forme。

Butalldattime，do’Ididn’tknowit，myHenrywasrunofftodeNorf，yearsan’years，an’hewasabarber，too，an’workedforhisse’f。An’

bymeby，whendewawcomeheupsan’hesays：’I’sdonebarberin’，’hesays，’I’sgwynetofinemyolemammy，less’nshe’sdead。’，Sohesoleoutan’wenttowhardeywasrecruitin’，an’hiredhisse’fouttodecolonelforhisservantan’denhewentallfroodebattleseverywhah，huntin’forhisolemammy;yes，indeedy，he’dhiretofustoneofficeran’denanother，tellhe’dransackeddewholeSouf;butyouseeIdidn’tknownuffin’boutdis。HowwasIgwynetoknowit？

“Well，onenightwehadabigsojerball;desojersdahatNewbernwasalwayshavin’ballsan’carryin’on。Deyhad’eminmykitchen，heapso’

times，’ca’seitwassobig。Mineyou，Iwasdownonsichdoin’s;

beca’semyplacewaswiddeofficers，an’itraspmetohavedemcommonsojerscavortin’roun’inmykitchenlikedat。ButIalway’stoodaroun’

ankep’thingsstraight，Idid;an’sometimesdey’dgitmydanderup，an’

denI’dmake’emclardatkitchenmineItellyou！

“Well，onenight——itwasaFridaynight——deycomesawholeplatoonf’maniggerridgmentdawasonguardatdehouse——dehousewasheadquarters，youknow-an’denIwasjista-bilin’mad？，Iwasjista-boomin’！，I

swelledaroun’，answelledaroun’;Ijistwasa-itchin’for’emtodosomefinfortostartme。An’deywasa-waltzin’anadancin’！mybutdeywashavin’atime！anIjista-swellin’an’a-swellin’up！，Pootysoon，’longcomessichaspruceyoungniggera-sailin’downderoomwidayallerwenchroun’dewais’;an’rounan’roun’anroun’deywent，enoughtomakeabodydrunktolookat’em;an’whendeygotabreas’o’me，deywenttokin’o’balancin’aroun’fustononelegan’denont’other，an’

smilin’atmybigredturban，an’makin’fun，an’Iupsan’says’Gitalongwidyou！——rubbage！’，Deyoungman’sfacekin’o’changed，allofasudden，for’boutasecondbutdenhewenttosmilin’ag’in，sameashewasbefo’。Well，’boutdistime，incomessomeniggersdatplayedmusicandb’long’todeban’，an’deynevercouldgitalongwidoutputtin’onairs。Andeveryfustairdeyputondatnight，Ilitintoem！，Deylaughed，an’datmademewuss。Deres’o’deniggersgottolaughin’，an’denmysoulalivebutIwashot！，Myeyewasjista-blazin’！，Ijiststraightenedmyselfupso——jistasIisnow，plumtodeceilin’，mos’——

an’Idigsmyfistsintomyhips，an’Isays，’Look-a-heah！’Isays，’I

wantyouniggerstounderstan’datIwa’n’tbawnindemashtobefool’

bytrash！，I’soneo’deoleBluehen’sChickens，Iis！’an’denIseedatyoungmanstan’a-starin’an’stiff，lookin’kin’o’upatdeceilin’

likehefo’gotsomefin，an’couldn’t’memberitnomo’。Well，Ijistmarch’ondemniggers——so，lookin’likeagen’l——an’deyjistcave’awaybefo’mean’outatdedo’。An’asdisyoungmana-goin’out，Iheahhimsaytoanothernigger，’Jim，’hesays，’yougo’longan’telldecap’nI

beonhan’’bouteighto’clockindemawnin’;dey’ssomefinonmymine，’

hesays;’Idon’tsleepnomo’disnight。Yougo’long，’hesays，’an’

leavemebymyownse’f。’

“Diswas’boutoneo’clockindemawnin’。Well，’boutseven，Iwasupan’onhan’，gittin’deofficers’breakfast。Iwasa-stoopin’downbydestovejistso，sameasifyo’footwasdestove——an’I’dopeneddestovedo’widmyrighthan’——so，pushin’itback，jistasIpushesyo’foot——

an’I’djistgotdepano’hotbiscuitsinmyhan’an’was’bouttoraiseup，whenIseeablackfacecomearoun’undermine，an’deeyesa-lookin’

upintomine，jistasI’sa-lookin’upclostunderyo’facenow;an’I

jiststoppedrightdah，an’neverbudged！jistgazedan’gazedso;an’depanbegintotremble，an’allofasuddenIknowed！，Depandrop’ondeflo’an’Igrabhislef’han’an’shovebackhissleeve——jistso，asI’sdoin’toyou——an’denIgoesforhisforeheadan’pushdehairbackso，an’’Boy！’Isays，’ifyouan’tmyHenry，whatisyoudoin’widdisweltonyo’wris’an’datsk-yaronyo’forehead？，DeLordGodobheavenbepraise’，Igotmyownag’in！’

“Ohno’MistoC——，Ihain’thadnotrouble。An’nojoy！”

THESIAMESETWINS——[Writtenabout1868。]

Idonotwishtowriteofthepersonalhabitsofthesestrangecreaturessolely，butalsoofcertaincuriousdetailsofvariouskindsconcerningthem，which，belongingonlytotheirprivatelife，havenevercreptintoprint。KnowingtheTwinsintimately，IfeelthatIampeculiarlywellqualifiedforthetaskIhavetakenuponmyself。

TheSiameseTwinsarenaturallytenderandaffectionateindisposition，andhaveclungtoeachotherwithsingularfidelitythroughoutalongandeventfullife。Evenaschildrentheywereinseparablecompanions;anditwasnoticedthattheyalwaysseemedtoprefereachother’ssocietytothatofanyotherpersons。Theynearlyalwaysplayedtogether;and，soaccustomedwastheirmothertothispeculiarity，that，wheneverbothofthemchancedtobelost，sheusuallyonlyhuntedforoneofthem——

satisfiedthatwhenshefoundthatoneshewouldfindhisbrothersomewhereintheimmediateneighborhood。Andyetthesecreatureswereignorantandunlettered-barbariansthemselvesandtheoffspringofbarbarians，whoknewnotthelightofphilosophyandscience。Whatawitheringrebukeisthistoourboastedcivilization，withitsquarrelings，itswranglings，anditsseparationsofbrothers！

Asmen，theTwinshavenotalwayslivedinperfectaccord;butstilltherehasalwaysbeenabondbetweenthemwhichmadethemunwillingtogoawayfromeachotheranddwellapart。Theyhaveevenoccupiedthesamehouse，asageneralthing，anditisbelievedthattheyhaveneverfailedtoevensleeptogetheronanynightsincetheywereborn。Howsurelydothehabitsofalifetimebecomesecondnaturetous！，TheTwinsalwaysgotobedatthesametime;butChangusuallygetsupaboutanhourbeforehisbrother。Byanunderstandingbetweenthemselves，ChangdoesalltheindoorworkandEngrunsalltheerrands。ThisisbecauseEnglikestogoout;Chang’shabitsaresedentary。However，Changalwaysgoesalong。

EngisaBaptist，butChangisaRomanCatholic;still，topleasehisbrother，ChangconsentedtobebaptizedatthesametimethatEngwas，onconditionthatitshouldnot“count。”，Duringthewartheywerestrongpartisans，andbothfoughtgallantlyallthroughthegreatstruggle——EngontheUnionsideandChangontheConfederate。TheytookeachotherprisonersatSevenOaks，buttheproofsofcaptureweresoevenlybalancedinfavorofeach，thatageneralarmycourthadtobeassembledtodeterminewhichonewasproperlythecaptorandwhichthecaptive。

Thejurywasunabletoagreeforalongtime;butthevexedquestionwasfinallydecidedbyagreeingtoconsiderthembothprisoners，andthenexchangingthem。AtonetimeChangwasconvictedofdisobedienceoforders，andsentencedtotendaysintheguard-house，butEng，inspiteofallarguments，feltobligedtosharehisimprisonment，notwithstandinghehimselfwasentirelyinnocent;andso，tosavetheblamelessbrotherfromsuffering，theyhadtodischargebothfromcustody——thejustrewardoffaithfulness。

Upononeoccasionthebrothersfelloutaboutsomething，andChangknockedEngdown，andthentrippedandfellonhim，whereuponbothclinchedandbegantobeatandgougeeachotherwithoutmercy。Thebystandersinterfered，andtriedtoseparatethem，buttheycouldnotdoit，andsoallowedthemtofightitout。Intheendbothweredisabled，andwerecarriedtothehospitalononeandthesameshutter。

Theirancienthabitofgoingalwaystogetherhaditsdrawbackswhentheyreachedman’sestate，andenteredupontheluxuryofcourting。Bothfellinlovewiththesamegirl。Eachtriedtostealclandestineinterviewswithher，butatthecriticalmomenttheotherwouldalwaysturnup。

ByandbyEngsaw，withdistraction，thatChanghadwonthegirl’saffections;and，fromthatdayforth，hehadtobearwiththeagonyofbeingawitnesstoalltheirdaintybillingandcooing。Butwithamagnanimitythatdidhiminfinitecredit，hesuccumbedtohisfate，andgavecountenanceandencouragementtoastateofthingsthatbadefairtosunderhisgenerousheart-strings。Hesatfromseveneveryeveninguntiltwointhemorning，listeningtothefondfoolishnessofthetwolovers，andtotheconcussionofhundredsofsquanderedkisses——fortheprivilegeofsharingonlyoneofwhichhewouldhavegivenhisrighthand。Buthesatpatiently，andwaited，andgaped，andyawned，andstretched，andlongedfortwoo’clocktocome。Andhetooklongwalkswiththeloversonmoonlightevenings——sometimestraversingtenmiles，notwithstandinghewasusuallysufferingfromrheumatism。Heisaninveteratesmoker;buthecouldnotsmokeontheseoccasions，becausetheyoungladywaspainfullysensitivetothesmelloftobacco。Engcordiallywantedthemmarried，anddonewithit;butalthoughChangoftenaskedthemomentousquestion，theyoungladycouldnotgathersufficientcouragetoansweritwhileEngwasby。However，ononeoccasion，afterhavingwalkedsomesixteenmiles，andsatuptillnearlydaylight，Engdroppedasleep，fromsheerexhaustion，andthenthequestionwasaskedandanswered。Theloversweremarried。Allacquaintedwiththecircumstanceapplaudedthenoblebrother-in-law。Hisunwaveringfaithfulnesswasthethemeofeverytongue。Hehadstayedbythemallthroughtheirlongandarduouscourtship;andwhenatlasttheyweremarried，heliftedhishandsabovetheirheads，andsaidwithimpressiveunction，“Blessye，mychildren，I

willneverdesertye！”andhekepthisword。Fidelitylikethisisalltoorareinthiscoldworld。

ByandbyEngfellinlovewithhissister-in-law’ssister，andmarriedher，andsincethatdaytheyhavealllivedtogether，nightandday，inanexceedingsociabilitywhichistouchingandbeautifultobehold，andisascathingrebuketoourboastedcivilization。

Thesympathyexistingbetweenthesetwobrothersissocloseandsorefinedthatthefeelings，theimpulses，theemotionsoftheoneareinstantlyexperiencedbytheother。Whenoneissick，theotherissick;

whenonefeelspain，theotherfeelsit;whenoneisangered，theother’stempertakesfire。Wehavealreadyseenwithwhathappyfacilitytheybothfellinlovewiththesamegirl。NowChangisbitterlyopposedtoallformsofintemperance，onprinciple;butEngisthereverse——for，whilethesemen’sfeelingsandemotionsaresocloselywedded，theirreasoningfacultiesareunfettered;theirthoughtsarefree。ChangbelongstotheGoodTemplars，andisahard——working，enthusiasticsupporterofalltemperancereforms。But，tohisbitterdistress，everynowandthenEnggetsdrunk，and，ofcourse，thatmakesChangdrunktoo。

ThisunfortunatethinghasbeenagreatsorrowtoChang，foritalmostdestroyshisusefulnessinhisfavoritefieldofeffort。AssureasheistoheadagreattemperanceprocessionEngrangesupalongsideofhim，prompttotheminute，anddrunkasalord;butyetnomoredismallyandhopelesslydrunkthanhisbrother，whohasnottastedadrop。Andsothetwobegintohootandyell，andthrowmudandbricksattheGoodTemplars;and，ofcourse，theybreakuptheprocession。ItwouldbemanifestlywrongtopunishChangforwhatEngdoes，and，therefore，theGoodTemplarsaccepttheuntowardsituation，andsufferinsilenceandsorrow。Theyhaveofficiallyanddeliberatelyexaminedintothematter，andfindChangblameless。TheyhavetakenthetwobrothersandfilledChangfullofwarmwaterandsugarandEngfullofwhisky，andintwenty-

fiveminutesitwasnotpossibletotellwhichwasthedrunkest。Bothwereasdrunkasloons——andonhotwhiskypunches，bythesmelloftheirbreath。YetallthewhileChang’smoralprincipleswereunsullied，hisconscienceclear;andsoalljustmenwereforcedtoconfessthathewasnotmorally，butonlyphysically，drunk。Byeveryrightandbyeverymoralevidencethemanwasstrictlysober;and，therefore，itcausedhisfriendsallthemoreanguishtoseehimshakehandswiththepumpandtrytowindhiswatchwithhisnight-key。

Thereisamoralinthesesolemnwarnings——or，atleast，awarninginthesesolemnmorals;oneortheother。Nomatter，itissomehow。Letusheedit;letusprofitbyit。

Icouldsaymoreofaninstructivenatureabouttheseinterestingbeings，butletwhatIhavewrittensuffice。

Havingforgottentomentionitsooner，IwillremarkinconclusionthattheagesoftheSiameseTwinsarerespectivelyfifty-oneandfifty-threeyears。

SPEECHATTHESCOTTISHBANQUETINLONDON——[Writtenabout1872。]

OntheanniversaryfestivaloftheScottishCorporationofLondononMondayevening，inresponsetothetoastof“TheLadies，“MARKTWAIN

replied。ThefollowingishisspeechasreportedintheLondonObserver：

Iamproud，indeed，ofthedistinctionofbeingchosentorespondtothisespecialtoast，to’TheLadies，’ortowomenifyouplease，forthatisthepreferableterm，perhaps;itiscertainlytheolder，andthereforethemoreentitledtoreverence[Laughter。]，IhavenoticedthattheBible，withthatplain，blunthonestywhichissuchaconspicuouscharacteristicoftheScriptures，isalwaysparticulartoneverrefertoeventheillustriousmotherofallmankindherselfasa’lady，’butspeaksofherasawoman，[Laughter。]，Itisodd，butyouwillfinditisso。Iampeculiarlyproudofthishonor，becauseIthinkthatthetoasttowomenisonewhich，byrightandbyeveryruleofgallantry，shouldtakeprecedenceofallothers——ofthearmy，ofthenavy，ofevenroyaltyitselfperhaps，thoughthelatterisnotnecessaryinthisdayandinthisland，forthereasonthat，tacitly，youdodrinkabroadgeneralhealthtoallgoodwomenwhenyoudrinkthehealthoftheQueenofEnglandandthePrincessofWales。[Loudcheers。]，Ihaveinmindapoemjustnowwhichisfamiliartoyouall，familiartoeverybody。Andwhataninspirationthatwas(andhowinstantlythepresenttoastrecallstheversestoallourminds)whenthemostnoble，themostgracious，thepurest，andsweetestofallpoetssays：

“Woman！，Owoman！——er——

Wom——“

[Laughter。]，However，yourememberthelines;andyourememberhowfeelingly，howdaintily，howalmostimperceptiblytheversesraiseupbeforeyou，featurebyfeature，theidealofatrueandperfectwoman;

andhow，asyoucontemplatethefinishedmarvel，yourhomagegrowsintoworshipoftheintellectthatcouldcreatesofairathingoutofmerebreath，merewords。Andyoucalltomindnow，asIspeak，howthepoet，withsternfidelitytothehistoryofallhumanity，deliversthisbeautifulchildofhisheartandhisbrainovertothetrialsandsorrowsthatmustcometoall，soonerorlater，thatabideintheearth，andhowthepatheticstoryculminatesinthatapostrophe——sowild，soregretful，sofullofmournfulretrospection。Thelinesrunthus：

“Alas！——alas！——a——alas！——

Alas！——alas！”——

andsoon。[Laughter。]Idonotremembertherest;but，takentogether，itseemstomethatpoemisthenoblesttributetowomanthathumangeniushaseverbroughtforth——[laughter)——andIfeelthatifI

weretotalkhoursIcouldnotdomygreatthemecompleterormoregracefuljusticethanIhavenowdoneinsimplyquotingthatpoet’smatchlesswords。[Renewedlaughter。]Thephasesofthewomanlynatureareinfiniteintheirvariety。Takeanytypeofwoman，andyoushallfindinitsomethingtorespect，somethingtoadmire，somethingtolove。

Andyoushallfindthewholejoiningyouheartandhand。WhowasmorepatrioticthanJoanofArc？，Whowasbraver？，Whohasgivenusagranderinstanceofself-sacrificingdevotion？，Ah！youremember，yourememberwell，whatathrobofpain，whatagreattidalwaveofgriefsweptoverusallwhenJoanofArcfellatWaterloo。[Muchlaughter。]，WhodoesnotsorrowforthelossofSappho，thesweetsingerofIsrael？，[Laughter。]

Whoamongusdoesnotmissthegentleministrations，thesofteninginfluences，thehumblepietyofLucretiaBorgia？，[Laughter。]，WhocanjoinintheheartlesslibelthatsayswomanisextravagantindresswhenhecanlookbackandcalltomindoursimpleandlowlymotherEvearrayedinhermodificationoftheHighlandcostume。[Roarsoflaughter。]

Sir，womenhavebeensoldiers，womenhavebeenpainters，womenhavebeenpoets。AslongaslanguagelivesthenameofCleopatrawilllive。

And，notbecausesheconqueredGeorgeIII。[laughter]——butbecauseshewrotethosedivinelines：

“Letdogsdelighttobarkandbite，ForGodhathmadethemso。”

[Morelaughter。]，Thestoryoftheworldisadornedwiththenamesofillustriousonesofourownsex——someofthemsonsofSt。Andrew，too——

Scott，Bruce，Burns，thewarriorWallace，BenNevis——[laughter]——thegiftedBenLomond，andthegreatnewScotchman，BenDisraeli。[Greatlaughter。]，Outofthegreatplainsofhistorytowerwholemountainrangesofsublimewomen——theQueenofSheba，Josephine，Semiramis，SaireyGamp;thelistisendless——[laughter]——butIwillnotcallthemightyroll，thenamesriseupinyourownmemoriesatthemeresuggestion，luminouswiththegloryofdeedsthatcannotdie，hallowedbythelovingworshipofthegoodandthetrueofallepochsandallclimes。[Cheers。]

SufficeitforourprideandourhonorthatweinourdayhaveaddedtoitsuchnamesasthoseofGraceDarlingandFlorenceNightingale。

[Cheers。]，Womanisallthatsheshouldbe-gentle，patient，longsuffering，trustful，unselfish，fullofgenerousimpulses。Itisherblessedmissiontocomfortthesorrowing，pleadfortheerring，encouragethefaintofpurpose，succorthedistressed，upliftthefallen，befriendthefriendlessinaword，affordthehealingofhersympathiesandahomeinherheartforallthebruisedandpersecutedchildrenofmisfortunethatknockatitshospitabledoor。[Cheers。]，AndwhenIsay，Godblessher，thereisnoneamonguswhohasknowntheennoblingaffectionofawife，orthesteadfastdevotionofamother，butinhisheartwillsay，Amen！，[Loudandprolongedcheering。]——

[Mr。BenjaminDisraeli，atthattimePrimeMinisterofEngland，hadjustbeenelectedLordRectorofGlasgowUniversity，andhadmadeaspeechwhichgaverisetoaworldofdiscussion。]

AGHOSTSTORY

Itookalargeroom，farupBroadway，inahugeoldbuildingwhoseupperstorieshadbeenwhollyunoccupiedforyearsuntilIcame。Theplacehadlongbeengivenuptodustandcobwebs，tosolitudeandsilence。

Iseemedgropingamongthetombsandinvadingtheprivacyofthedead，thatfirstnightIclimbeduptomyquarters。Forthefirsttimeinmylifeasuperstitiousdreadcameoverme;andasIturnedadarkangleofthestairwayandaninvisiblecobwebswungitsslazywoofinmyfaceandclungthere，Ishudderedasonewhohadencounteredaphantom。

IwasgladenoughwhenIreachedmyroomandlockedoutthemoldandthedarkness。Acheeryfirewasburninginthegrate，andIsatdownbeforeitwithacomfortingsenseofrelief。FortwohoursIsatthere，thinkingofbygonetimes;recallingoldscenes，andsummoninghalf-

forgottenfacesoutofthemistsofthepast;listening，infancy，tovoicesthatlongagogrewsilentforalltime，andtooncefamiliarsongsthatnobodysingsnow。Andasmyreveriesofteneddowntoasadderandsadderpathos，theshriekingofthewindsoutsidesoftenedtoawail，theangrybeatingoftherainagainstthepanesdiminishedtoatranquilpatter，andonebyonethenoisesinthestreetsubsided，untilthehurryingfootstepsofthelastbelatedstragglerdiedawayinthedistanceandleftnosoundbehind。

Thefirehadburnedlow。Asenseoflonelinesscreptoverme。Iaroseandundressed，movingontiptoeabouttheroom，doingstealthilywhatI

hadtodo，asifIwereenvironedbysleepingenemieswhoseslumbersitwouldbefataltobreak。Icoveredupinbed，andlaylisteningtotherainandwindandthefaintcreakingofdistantshutters，tilltheylulledmetosleep。

Isleptprofoundly，buthowlongIdonotknow。AllatonceIfoundmyselfawake，andfilledwithashudderingexpectancy。Allwasstill。

Allbutmyownheart——Icouldhearitbeat。Presentlythebedclothesbegantoslipawayslowlytowardthefootofthebed，asifsomeonewerepullingthem！，Icouldnotstir;Icouldnotspeak。Stilltheblanketsslippeddeliberatelyaway，tillmybreastwasuncovered。ThenwithagreateffortIseizedthemanddrewthemovermyhead。Iwaited，listened，waited。Oncemorethatsteadypullbegan，andoncemoreIlaytorpidacenturyofdraggingsecondstillmybreastwasnakedagain。AtlastIrousedmyenergiesandsnatchedthecoversbacktotheirplaceandheldthemwithastronggrip。Iwaited。ByandbyIfeltafainttug，andtookafreshgrip。Thetugstrengthenedtoasteadystrain——itgrewstrongerandstronger。Myholdparted，andforthethirdtimetheblanketsslidaway。Igroaned。Anansweringgroancamefromthefootofthebed！，Beadeddropsofsweatstooduponmyforehead。Iwasmoredeadthanalive。PresentlyIheardaheavyfootstepinmyroom——thestepofanelephant，itseemedtome——itwasnotlikeanythinghuman。Butitwasmovingfromme——therewasreliefinthat。Ihearditapproachthedoor——

passoutwithoutmovingboltorlock——andwanderawayamongthedismalcorridors，strainingthefloorsandjoiststilltheycreakedagainasitpassed——andthensilencereignedoncemore。

Whenmyexcitementhadcalmed，Isaidtomyself，“Thisisadream——simplyahideousdream。”，AndsoIlaythinkingitoveruntilIconvincedmyselfthatitwasadream，andthenacomfortinglaughrelaxedmylipsandI

washappyagain。Igotupandstruckalight;andwhenIfoundthatthelocksandboltswerejustasIhadleftthem，anothersoothinglaughwelledinmyheartandrippledfrommylips。Itookmypipeandlitit，andwasjustsittingdownbeforethefire，when-downwentthepipeoutofmynervelessfingers，thebloodforsookmycheeks，andmyplacidbreathingwascutshortwithagasp！，Intheashesonthehearth，sidebysidewithmyownbarefootprint，wasanother，sovastthatincomparisonminewasbutaninfant’s！，ThenIhadhadavisitor，andtheelephanttreadwasexplained。

Iputoutthelightandreturnedtobed，palsiedwithfear。Ilayalongtime，peeringintothedarkness，andlistening——ThenIheardagratingnoiseoverhead，likethedraggingofaheavybodyacrossthefloor;thenthethrowingdownofthebody，andtheshakingofmywindowsinresponsetotheconcussion。IndistantpartsofthebuildingIheardthemuffledslammingofdoors。Iheard，atintervals，stealthyfootstepscreepinginandoutamongthecorridors，andupanddownthestairs。Sometimesthesenoisesapproachedmydoor，hesitated，andwentawayagain。Iheardtheclankingofchainsfaintly，inremotepassages，andlistenedwhiletheclankinggrewnearer——whileitwearilyclimbedthestairways，markingeachmovebytheloosesurplusofchainthatfellwithanaccentedrattleuponeachsucceedingstepasthegoblinthatboreitadvanced。Iheardmutteredsentences;half-utteredscreamsthatseemedsmotheredviolently;

andtheswishofinvisiblegarments，therushofinvisiblewings。ThenI

becameconsciousthatmychamberwasinvaded——thatIwasnotalone。

Iheardsighsandbreathingsaboutmybed，andmysteriouswhisperings。

Threelittlespheresofsoftphosphorescentlightappearedontheceilingdirectlyovermyhead，clungandglowedthereamoment，andthendropped——twoofthemuponmyfaceandoneuponthepillow。They，spattered，liquidly，andfeltwarm。Intuitiontoldmetheyhad——turnedtogoutsofbloodastheyfell——Ineedednolighttosatisfymyselfofthat。ThenI

sawpallidfaces，dimlyluminous，andwhiteupliftedhands，floatingbodilessintheair——floatingamomentandthendisappearing。

Thewhisperingceased，andthevoicesandthesounds，analasolemnstillnessfollowed。Iwaitedandlistened。IfeltthatImusthavelightordie。Iwasweakwithfear。Islowlyraisedmyselftowardasittingposture，andmyfacecameincontactwithaclammyhand！

Allstrengthwentfrommeapparently，andIfellbacklikeastrickeninvalid。ThenIheardtherustleofagarmentitseemedtopasstothedoorandgoout。

Wheneverythingwasstilloncemore，Icreptoutofbed，sickandfeeble，andlitthegaswithahandthattrembledasifitwereagedwithahundredyears。Thelightbroughtsomelittlecheertomyspirits。Isatdownandfellintoadreamycontemplationofthatgreatfootprintintheashes。Byandbyitsoutlinesbegantowaverandgrowdim。Iglancedupandthebroadgas-flamewasslowlywiltingaway。InthesamemomentI

heardthatelephantinetreadagain。Inoteditsapproach，nearerandnearer，alongthemustyhalls，anddimmeranddimmerthelightwaned。

Thetreadreachedmyverydoorandpaused——thelighthaddwindledtoasicklyblue，andallthingsaboutmelayinaspectraltwilight。Thedoordidnotopen，andyetIfeltafaintgustofairfanmycheek，andpresentlywasconsciousofahuge，cloudypresencebeforeme。Iwatcheditwithfascinatedeyes。ApaleglowstoleovertheThing;graduallyitscloudyfoldstookshape——anarmappeared，thenlegs，thenabody，andlastagreatsadfacelookedoutofthevapor。Strippedofitsfilmyhousings，naked，muscularandcomely，themajesticCardiffGiantloomedaboveme！

Allmymiseryvanished——forachildmightknowthatnoharmcouldcomewiththatbenignantcountenance。Mycheerfulspiritsreturnedatonce，andinsympathywiththemthegasflamedupbrightlyagain。NeveralonelyoutcastwassogladtowelcomecompanyasIwastogreetthefriendlygiant。Isaid：

“Why，isitnobodybutyou？，Doyouknow，Ihavebeenscaredtodeathforthelasttwoorthreehours？，Iammosthonestlygladtoseeyou。IwishIhadachair——Here，here，don’ttrytositdowninthatthing——

Butitwastoolate。HewasinitbeforeIcouldstophimanddownhewent——Ineversawachairshiveredsoinmylife。

“Stop，stop，you’llruinev——“

Toolateagain。Therewasanothercrash，andanotherchairwasresolvedintoitsoriginalelements。

“Confoundit，haven’tyougotanyjudgmentat’all？，Doyouwanttoruinallthefurnitureontheplace？，Here，here，youpetrifiedfool——“

Butitwasnouse。BeforeIcouldarresthimhehadsatdownonthebed，anditwasamelancholyruin。

“Nowwhatsortofawayisthattodo？，Firstyoucomelumberingabouttheplacebringingalegionofvagabondgoblinsalongwithyoutoworrymetodeath，andthenwhenIoverlookanindelicacyofcostumewhichwouldnotbetoleratedanywherebycultivatedpeopleexceptinarespectabletheater，andnoteventhereifthenuditywereofyoursex，yourepaymebywreckingallthefurnitureyoucanfindtositdownon。

Andwhywillyou？，Youdamageyourselfasmuchasyoudome。Youhavebrokenofftheendofyourspinalcolumn，andlitteredupthefloorwithchipsofyourhamstilltheplacelookslikeamarbleyard。Yououghttobeashamedofyourself——youarebigenoughtoknowbetter。”

“Well，Iwillnotbreakanymorefurniture。ButwhatamItodo？，Ihavenothadachancetositdownforacentury。”，Andthetearscameintohiseyes。

“Poordevil，“Isaid，“Ishouldnothavebeensoharshwithyou。Andyouareanorphan，too，nodoubt。Butsitdownonthefloorhere——nothingelsecanstandyourweight——andbesides，wecannotbesociablewithyouawayupthereaboveme;IwantyoudownwhereIcanperchonthishighcounting-housestoolandgossipwithyoufacetoface。”，Sohesatdownonthefloor，andlitapipewhichIgavehim，threwoneofmyredblanketsoverhisshoulders，invertedmysitz-bathonhishead，helmetfashion，andmadehimselfpicturesqueandcomfortable。Thenhecrossedhisankles，whileIrenewedthefire，andexposedtheflat，honeycombedbottomsofhisprodigiousfeettothegratefulwarmth。

“Whatisthematterwiththebottomofyourfeetandthebackofyourlegs，thattheyaregougedupso？”

“Infernalchilblains——Icaughtthemclearuptothebackofmyhead，roostingoutthereunderNewell’sfarm。ButIlovetheplace;Iloveitasoneloveshisoldhome。ThereisnopeaceformelikethepeaceI

feelwhenIamthere。”

Wetalkedalongforhalfanhour，andthenInoticedthathelookedtired，andspokeofit。

“Tired？”hesaid。”Well，Ishouldthinkso。AndnowIwilltellyouallaboutit，sinceyouhavetreatedmesowell。IamthespiritofthePetrifiedManthatliesacrossthestreetthereinthemuseum。IamtheghostoftheCardiffGiant。Icanhavenorest，nopeace，tilltheyhavegiventhatpoorbodyburialagain。Nowwhatwasthemostnaturalthingformetodo，tomakemensatisfythiswish？，Terrifythemintoit！

haunttheplacewherethebodylay！，SoIhauntedthemuseumnightafternight。Ievengototherspiritstohelpme。Butitdidnogood，fornobodyevercametothemuseumatmidnight。Thenitoccurredtometocomeoverthewayandhauntthisplacealittle。IfeltthatifIevergotahearingImustsucceed，forIhadthemostefficientcompanythatperditioncouldfurnish。Nightafternightwehaveshiveredaroundthroughthesemildewedhalls，draggingchains，groaning，whispering，trampingupanddownstairs，till，totellyouthetruth，Iamalmostwornout。ButwhenIsawalightinyourroomto-nightIrousedmyenergiesagainandwentatitwithadealoftheoldfreshness。ButIamtiredout——entirelyfaggedout。Giveme，Ibeseechyou，givemesomehope！”Ilitoffmyperchinaburstofexcitement，andexclaimed：

“Thistranscendseverything！，everythingthateverdidoccur！，Whyyoupoorblunderingoldfossil，youhavehadallyourtroublefornothing——

youhavebeenhauntingaplastercastofyourself——therealCardiffGiantisinAlbany！——[Afact。Theoriginalfraudwasingeniouslyandfraudfullyduplicated，andexhibitedinNewYorkasthe“onlygenuine“

CardiffGiant(totheunspeakabledisgustoftheownersoftherealcolossus)attheverysametimethatthelatterwasdrawingcrowdsatamuseumisAlbany，]——Confoundit，don’tyouknowyourownremains？”

Ineversawsuchaneloquentlookofshame，ofpitiablehumiliation，overspreadacountenancebefore。

ThePetrifiedManroseslowlytohisfeet，andsaid：

“Honestly，isthattrue？”

“AstrueasIamsittinghere。”

Hetookthepipefromhismouthandlaiditonthemantel，thenstoodirresoluteamoment(unconsciously，fromoldhabit，thrustinghishandswherehispantaloonspocketsshouldhavebeen，andmeditativelydroppinghischinonhisbreast);andfinallysaid：

“Well-Ineverfeltsoabsurdbefore。ThePetrifiedManhassoldeverybodyelse，andnowthemeanfraudhasendedbysellingitsownghost！，Myson，ifthereisanycharityleftinyourheartforapoorfriendlessphantomlikeme，don’tletthisgetout。Thinkhowyouwouldfeelifyouhadmadesuchanassofyourself。”

Iheardhisstatelytrampdieaway，stepbystepdownthestairsandoutintothedesertedstreet，andfeltsorrythathewasgone，poorfellow——

andsorrierstillthathehadcarriedoffmyredblanketandmybath-tub。

THECAPITOLINEVENUS

CHAPTERI

[Scene-AnArtist’sStudioinRome。]

“Oh，George，Idoloveyou！”

“Blessyourdearheart，Mary，Iknowthat——whyisyourfathersoobdurate？”

“George，hemeanswell，butartisfollytohim——heonlyunderstandsgroceries。Hethinksyouwouldstarveme。”

“Confoundhiswisdom——itsavorsofinspiration。WhyamInotamoney-

makingbowellessgrocer，insteadofadivinelygiftedsculptorwithnothingtoeat？”

“Donotdespond，Georgy，dear——allhisprejudiceswillfadeawayassoonasyoushallhaveacquiredfiftythousanddol——“

“Fiftythousanddemons！，Child，Iaminarrearsformyboard！”

CHAPTERII

[Scene-ADwellinginRome。]

“Mydearsir，itisuselesstotalk。Ihaven’tanythingagainstyou，butIcan’tletmydaughtermarryahashoflove，art，andstarvation——I

believeyouhavenothingelsetooffer。”

“Sir，Iampoor，Igrantyou。Butisfamenothing？，TheHon。BellamyFoodleofArkansassaysthatmynewstatueofAmerica，isacleverpieceofsculpture，andheissatisfiedthatmynamewillonedaybefamous。”

“Bosh！，WhatdoesthatArkansasassknowaboutit？，Fame’snothing——themarketpriceofyourmarblescarecrowisthethingtolookat。Ittookyousixmonthstochiselit，andyoucan’tsellitforahundreddollars。

No，sir！，Showmefiftythousanddollarsandyoucanhavemydaughter——

otherwiseshemarriesyoungSimper。Youhavejustsixmonthstoraisethemoneyin。Goodmorning，sir。”

“Alas！，Woeisme！”

CHAPTERIII

[Scene-TheStudio。]

“Oh，John，friendofmyboyhood，Iamtheunhappiestofmen。”

“You’reasimpleton！”

“IhavenothinglefttolovebutmypoorstatueofAmerica——andsee，evenshehasnosympathyformeinhercoldmarblecountenance——sobeautifulandsoheartless！”

“You’readummy！”

“Oh，John！”

Oh，fudge！，Didn’tyousayyouhadsixmonthstoraisethemoneyin？”

“Don’tderidemyagony，John。IfIhadsixcenturieswhatgoodwoulditdo？，Howcouldithelpapoorwretchwithoutname，capital，orfriends？”

“Idiot！，Coward！，Baby！，Sixmonthstoraisethemoneyin——andfivewilldo！”

“Areyouinsane？”

“Sixmonths——anabundance。Leaveittome。I’llraiseit。”

“Whatdoyoumean，John？，Howonearthcanyouraisesuchamonstroussumforme？”

“Willyouletthatbemybusiness，andnotmeddle？，Willyouleavethethinginmyhands？，WillyousweartosubmittowhateverIdo？，Willyoupledgemetofindnofaultwithmyactions？”

“Iamdizzy——bewildered——butIswear。”

JohntookupahammeranddeliberatelysmashedthenoseofAmerica！，Hemadeanotherpassandtwoofherfingersfelltothefloor——another，andpartofanearcameaway——another，andarowoftoeswasmangledanddismembered——another，andtheleftleg，fromthekneedown，layafragmentaryruin！

Johnputonhishatanddeparted。

Georgegazedspeechlessuponthebatteredandgrotesquenightmarebeforehimforthespaceofthirtyseconds，andthenwiltedtothefloorandwentintoconvulsions。

Johnreturnedpresentlywithacarriage，gotthebroken-heartedartistandthebroken-leggedstatueaboard，anddroveoff，whistlinglowandtranquilly。

Helefttheartistathislodgings，anddroveoffanddisappeareddowntheViaQuirinaliswiththestatue。

CHAPTERIV

[Scene——TheStudio。]

“Thesixmonthswillbeupattwoo’clockto-day！，Oh，agony！，Mylifeisblighted。IwouldthatIweredead。Ihadnosupperyesterday。Ihavehadnobreakfastto-day。Idarenotenteraneating-house。Andhungry？——

don’tmentionit！，Mybootmakerdunsmetodeath——mytailordunsme——

mylandlordhauntsme。Iammiserable。Ihaven’tseenJohnsincethatawfulday。Shesmilesonmetenderlywhenwemeetinthegreatthoroughfares，butheroldflintofafathermakesherlookintheotherdirectioninshortorder。Nowwhoisknockingatthatdoor？，Whoiscometopersecuteme？，Thatmalignantvillainthebootmaker，I’llwarrant。

Comein！”

“Ah，happinessattendyourhighness——Heavenbepropitioustoyourgrace！

Ihavebroughtmylord’snewboots——ah，saynothingaboutthepay，thereisnohurry，noneintheworld。Shallbeproudifmynoblelordwillcontinuetohonormewithhiscustom——ah，adieu！”

“Broughtthebootshimself！，Don’twaithispay！，Takeshisleavewithabowandascrapefittohonormajestywithal！，Desiresacontinuanceofmycustom！，Istheworldcomingtoanend？，Ofallthe——comein！”

“Pardon，signore，butIhavebroughtyournewsuitofclothesfor——“

“Comein！”

“Athousandpardonsforthisintrusion，yourworship。ButIhavepreparedthebeautifulsuiteofroomsbelowforyou——thiswretcheddenisbutillsuitedto——“

“Comein！”

“Ihavecalledtosaythatyourcreditatourbank，sometimesinceunfortunatelyinterrupted，isentirelyandmostsatisfactorilyrestored，andweshallbemosthappyifyouwilldrawuponusforany——“

“COMEIN！”

“Mynobleboy，sheisyours！，She’llbehereinamoment！，Takeher——

marryher——loveher——behappy！——Godblessyouboth！，Hip，hip，hur——“

“COMEIN！！！！！”

“Oh，George，myowndarling，wearesaved！”

“Oh，Mary，myowndarling，wearesaved——butI’llswearIdon’tknowwhynorhow！”

CHAPTERV

[Scene-ARomanCaf？]

OneofagroupofAmericangentlemenreadsandtranslatesfromtheweeklyeditionof’IlSlangwhangerdiRoma’asfollows：

WONDERFULDISCOVERY——SomesixmonthsagoSignorJohnSmitthe，anAmericangentlemannowsomeyearsaresidentofRome，purchasedforatrifleasmallpieceofgroundintheCampagna，justbeyondthetomboftheScipiofamily，fromtheowner，abankruptrelativeofthePrincessBorghese。

Mr。SmittheafterwardwenttotheMinisterofthePublicRecordsandhadthepieceofgroundtransferredtoapoorAmericanartistnamedGeorgeArnold，explainingthathediditaspaymentandsatisfactionforpecuniarydamageaccidentallydonebyhimlongsinceuponpropertybelongingtoSignorArnold，andfurtherobservedthathewouldmakeadditionalsatisfactionbyimprovingthegroundforSignorA。athisownchargeandcost。Fourweeksago，whilemakingsomenecessaryexcavationsupontheproperty，SignorSmittheunearthedthemostremarkableancientstatuethathaseverbeesaddedtotheopulentarttreasuresofRome。

Itwasanexquisitefigureofawoman，andthoughsadlystainedbythesoilandthemoldofages，noeyecanlookunmoveduponitsravishingbeauty。Thenose，theleftlegfromthekneedown，anear，andalsothetoesoftherightfootandtwofingersofoneofthehandsweregone，butotherwisethenoblefigurewasinaremarkablestateofpreservation。

Thegovernmentatoncetookmilitarypossessionofthestatue，andappointedacommissionofart-critics，antiquaries，andcardinalprincesofthechurchtoassessitsvalueanddeterminetheremunerationthatmustgototheownerofthegroundinwhichitwasfound。Thewholeaffairwaskeptaprofoundsecretuntillastnight。Inthemeantimethecommissionsatwithcloseddoorsanddeliberated。LastnighttheydecidedunanimouslythatthestatueisaVenus，andtheworkofsomeunknownbutsublimelygiftedartistofthethirdcenturybeforeChrist。

Theyconsideritthemostfaultlessworkofarttheworldhasanyknowledgeof。

Atmidnighttheyheldafinalconferenceand，decidedthattheVenuswasworththeenormoussumoftenmillionfrancs！，InaccordancewithRomanlawandRomanusage，thegovernmentbeinghalf-ownerinallworksofartfoundintheCampagna，theStatehasnaughttodobutpayfivemillionfrancstoMr。Arnoldandtakepermanentpossessionofthebeautifulstatue。ThismorningtheVenuswillberemovedtotheCapitol，theretoremain，andatnoonthecommissionwillwaituponSignorArnoldwithHisHolinessthePope’sorderupontheTreasuryfortheprincelysumoffivemillionfrancsisgold！

ChorusofVoices——“Luck！，It’snonameforit！”

AnotherVoice——“Gentlemen，IproposethatweimmediatelyformanAmericanjoint-stockcompanyforthepurchaseoflandsandexcavationsofstatueshere，withproperconnectionsinWallStreettobullandbearthestock。”

All——“Agreed。”

CHAPTERVI

[Scene——TheRomanCapitolTenYearsLater。]

“DearestMary，thisisthemostcelebratedstatueintheworld。Thisistherenowned’CapitolineVenus’you’veheardsomuchabout。Heresheiswithherlittleblemishes’restored’(thatis，patched)bythemostnotedRomanartists——andthemerefactthattheydidthehumblepatchingofsonobleacreationwillmaketheirnamesillustriouswhiletheworldstands。Howstrangeitseemsthisplace！，ThedaybeforeIlaststoodhere，tenhappyyearsago，Iwasn’tarichmanblessyoursoul，Ihadn’tacent。AndyetIhadagooddealtodowithmakingRomemistressofthisgrandestworkofancientarttheworldcontains。”

“Theworshiped，theillustriousCapitolineVenus——andwhatasumsheisvaluedat！，Tenmillionsoffrancs！”

“Yes——nowsheis。”

“Andoh，Georgy，howdivinelybeautifulsheis！”

“Ah，yesbutnothingtowhatshewasbeforethatblessedJohnSmithbrokeherlegandbatteredhernose。IngeniousSmith！——giftedSmith！——nobleSmith！，Authorofallourbliss！，Hark！，Doyouknowwhatthatwheezemeans？，Mary，thatcubhasgotthewhooping-cough。Willyouneverlearntotakecareofthechildren！”

THEEND

TheCapitolineVenusisstillintheCapitolatRome，andisstillthemostcharmingandmostillustriousworkofancientarttheworldcanboastof。Butifeveritshallbeyourfortunetostandbeforeitandgointothecustomaryecstasiesoverit，don’tpermitthistrueandsecrethistoryofitsorigintomaryourbliss——andwhenyoureadaboutagiganticPetrifiedmanbeingdugupnearSyracuse，intheStateofNewYork，ornearanyotherplace，keepyourowncounsel——andiftheBarnumthatburiedhimthereofferstoselltoyouatanenormoussum，don’tyoubuy。SendhimtothePope！

[NOTE——Theabovesketchwaswrittenatthetimethefamousswindleofthe“PetrifiedGiant“wasthesensationofthedayintheUnitedStates]

SPEECHONACCIDENTINSURANCE

DELIVEREDINHARTFORD，ATADINNERTOCORNELIUSWALFORD，OFLONDON

GENTLEMEN：Iamglad，indeed，toassistinwelcomingthedistinguishedguestofthisoccasiontoacitywhosefameasaninsurancecenterhasextendedtoalllands，andgivenusthenameofbeingaquadruplebandofbrothersworkingsweetlyhandinhand——theColt’sArmsCompanymakingthedestructionofourraceeasyandconvenient，ourlifeinsurancecitizenspayingforthevictimswhentheypassaway，Mr。Battersonperpetuatingtheirmemorywithhisstatelymonuments，andourfire-insurancecomradestakingcareoftheirhereafter。Iamgladtoassistinwelcomingourguestfirst，becauseheisanEnglishman，andIoweaheavydebtofhospitalitytocertainofhisfellow-countrymen;andsecondly，becauseheisinsympathywithinsuranceandhasbeenthemeansofmakingmayothermencasttheirsympathiesinthesamedirection。

Certainlythereisnonoblerfieldforhumaneffortthantheinsurancelineofbusiness——especiallyaccidentinsurance。EversinceIhavebeenadirectorinanaccident-insurancecompanyIhavefeltthatIamabetterman。Lifehasseemedmoreprecious。Accidentshaveassumedakindlieraspect。Distressingspecialprovidenceshavelosthalftheirhorror。Ilookuponacripplenowwithaffectionateinterest——asanadvertisement。Idonotseemtocareforpoetryanymore。Idonotcareforpolitics——evenagriculturedoesnotexciteme。Buttomenowthereisacharmaboutarailwaycollisionthatisunspeakable。

Thereisnothingmorebeneficentthanaccidentinsurance。Ihaveseenanentirefamilyliftedoutofpovertyandintoaffluencebythesimpleboonofabrokenleg。Ihavehadpeoplecometomeoncrutches，withtearsintheireyes，toblessthisbeneficentinstitution。Inallmyexperienceoflife，Ihaveseennothingsoseraphicasthelookthatcomesintoafreshlymutilatedman’sfacewhenhefeelsinhisvestpocketwithhisremaininghandandfindshisaccidentticketallright。AndIhaveseennothingsosadasthelookthatcameintoanothersplinteredcustomer’sfacewhenhefoundhecouldn’tcollectonawoodenleg。

Iwillremarkhere，bywayofadvertisement，thatthatnoblecharitywhichwehavenamedtheHARTFORDACCIDENTINSURANCECOMPANY——[Thespeakerisadirectorofthecompanynamed。]——isaninstitutionwhichispeculiarlytobedependedupon。Amanisboundtoprosperwhogivesithiscustom。

Nomancantakeoutapolicyinitandnotgetcrippledbeforetheyearisout。Nowtherewasoneindigentmanwhohadbeendisappointedsooftenwithothercompaniesthathehadgrowndisheartened，hisappetitelefthim，heceasedtosmile——lifewasbutaweariness。ThreeweeksagoIgothimtoinsurewithus，andnowheisthebrightest，happiestspiritinthislandhasagoodsteadyincomeandastylishsuitofnewbandageseveryday，andtravelsaroundonashutter。

Iwillsay，inconclusion，thatmyshareofthewelcometoourguestisnonethelessheartybecauseItalksomuchnonsense，andIknowthatI

cansaythesamefortherestofthespeakers。

JOHNCHINAMANINNEWYORK

AsIpassedalongbyoneofthosemonsterAmericanteastoresinNewYork，IfoundaChinamansittingbeforeitactinginthecapacityofasign。Everybodythatpassedbygavehimasteadystareaslongastheirheadswouldtwistovertheirshoulderswithoutdislocatingtheirnecks，andagrouphadstoppedtostaredeliberately。

Isitnotashamethatwe，whopratesomuchaboutcivilizationandhumanity，arecontenttodegradeafellow-beingtosuchanofficeasthis？，Isitnottimeforreflectionwhenwefindourselveswillingtoseeinsuchabeingmatterforfrivolouscuriosityinsteadofregretandgravereflection？，Herewasapoorcreaturewhomhardfortunehadexiledfromhisnaturalhomebeyondtheseas，andwhosetroublesoughttohavetouchedtheseidlestrangersthatthrongedabouthim;butdidit？

Apparentlynot。Mencallingthemselvesthesuperiorrace，theraceofcultureandofgentleblood，scannedhisquaintChinesehat，withpeakedroofandballontop，andhislongqueuedanglingdownhisback;hisshortsilkenblouse，curiouslyfroggedandfigured(and，liketherestofhisraiment，rusty，dilapidated，andawkwardlyputon);hisbluecotton，tight-leggedpants，tiedclosearoundtheankles;andhisclumsyblunt-

toedshoeswiththickcorksoles;andhavingsoscannedhimfromheadtofoot，crackedsomeunseemlyjokeabouthisoutlandishattireorhismelancholyface，andpassedon。InmyheartIpitiedthefriendlessMongol。Iwonderedwhatwaspassingbehindhissadface，andwhatdistantscenehisvacanteyewasdreamingof。Werehisthoughtswithhisheart，tenthousandmilesaway，beyondthebillowywastesofthePacific？

amongthericefieldsandtheplumypalmsofChina？undertheshadowsofrememberedmountainpeaks，oringrovesofbloomyshrubsandstrangeforesttreesunknowntoclimeslikeours？，Andnowandthen，ripplingamonghisvisionsandhisdreams，didhehearfamiliarlaughterandhalf-

forgottenvoices，anddidhecatchfitfulglimpsesofthefriendlyfacesofabygonetime？，Acruelfateitis，Isaid，thatisbefallenthisbronzedwanderer。Inorderthatthegroupofidlersmightbetouchedatleastbythewordsofthepoorfellow，sincetheappealofhispauperdressandhisdrearyexilewaslostuponthem，Itouchedhimontheshoulderandsaid：

“Cheerup——don’tbedownhearted。ItisnotAmericathattreatsyouinthisway，itismerelyonecitizen，whosegreedofgainhaseatenthehumanityoutofhisheart。Americahasabroaderhospitalityfortheexiledandoppressed。AmericaandAmericansarealwaysreadytohelptheunfortunate。Moneyshallberaised——youshallgobacktoChinayoushallseeyourfriendsagain。Whatwagesdotheypayyouhere？”

“Divilacintbutfourdollarsaweekandfindmeself;butit’saisy，barrin’thetroublesomefurrinclothesthat’ssoexpinsive。”

Theexileremainsathispost。TheNewYorkteamerchantswhoneedpicturesquesignsarenotlikelytorunoutofChinamen。

HOWIEDITEDANAGRICULTURALPAPER——[Writtenabort1870。]

Ididnottaketemporaryeditorshipofanagriculturalpaperwithoutmisgivings。Neitherwouldalandsmantakecommandofashipwithoutmisgivings。ButIwasincircumstancesthatmadethesalaryanobject。

Theregulareditorofthepaperwasgoingoffforaholiday，andI

acceptedthetermsheoffered，andtookhisplace。

Thesensationofbeingatworkagainwasluxurious，andIwroughtalltheweekwithunflaggingpleasure。Wewenttopress，andIwaitedadaywithsomesolicitudetoseewhethermyeffortwasgoingtoattractanynotice。

AsIlefttheoffice，towardsundown，agroupofmenandboysatthefootofthestairsdispersedwithoneimpulse，andgavemepassageway，andI

heardoneortwoofthemsay：“That’shim！”Iwasnaturallypleasedbythisincident。ThenextmorningIfoundasimilargroupatthefootofthestairs，andscatteringcouplesandindividualsstandinghereandthereinthestreetandovertheway，watchingmewithinterest。ThegroupseparatedandfellbackasIapproached，andIheardamansay，“Lookathiseye！”IpretendednottoobservethenoticeIwasattracting，butsecretlyIwaspleasedwithit，andwaspurposingtowriteanaccountofittomyaunt。Iwentuptheshortflightofstairs，andheardcheeryvoicesandaringinglaughasIdrewnearthedoor，whichIopened，andcaughtaglimpseoftwoyoungrural-lookingmen，whosefacesblanchedandlengthenedwhentheysawme，andthentheybothplungedthroughthewindowwithagreatcrash。Iwassurprised。

Inabouthalfanhouranoldgentleman，withaflowingbeardandafinebutratheraustereface，entered，andsatdownatmyinvitation。Heseemedtohavesomethingonhismind。Hetookoffhishatandsetitonthefloor，andgotoutofitaredsilkhandkerchiefandacopyofourpaper。

Heputthepaperonhislap，andwhilehepolishedhisspectacleswithhishandkerchiefhesaid，“Areyoutheneweditor？”

IsaidIwas。

“Haveyouevereditedanagriculturalpaperbefore？”

“No，“Isaid;“thisismyfirstattempt。”

“Verylikely。Haveyouhadanyexperienceinagriculturepractically？”

“No;IbelieveIhavenot。”

“Someinstincttoldmeso，“saidtheoldgentleman，puttingonhisspectacles，andlookingoverthematmewithasperity，whilehefoldedhispaperintoaconvenientshape。”Iwishtoreadyouwhatmusthavemademehavethatinstinct。Itwasthiseditorial。Listen，andseeifitwasyouthatwroteit：

“’Turnipsshouldneverbepulled，itinjuresthem。Itismuchbettertosendaboyupandlethimshakethetree。’

“Now，whatdoyouthinkofthat？，forIreallysupposeyouwroteit？”

“Thinkofit？，Why，Ithinkitisgood。Ithinkitissense。Ihavenodoubtthateveryyearmillionsandmillionsofbushelsofturnipsarespoiledinthistownshipalonebybeingpulledinahalf-ripecondition，when，iftheyhadsentaboyuptoshakethetree——“

“Shakeyourgrandmother！，Turnipsdon’tgrowontrees！”

“Oh，theydon’t，don’tthey？，Well，whosaidtheydid？，Thelanguagewasintendedtobefigurative，whollyfigurative。AnybodythatknowsanythingwillknowthatImeantthattheboyshouldshakethevine。”

Thenthisoldpersongotupandtorehispaperallintosmallshreds，andstampedonthem，andbrokeseveralthingswithhiscane，andsaidIdidnotknowasmuchasacow;andthenwent——outandbangedthedoorafterhim，and，inshort，actedinsuchawaythatIfanciedhewasdispleasedaboutsomething。Butnotknowingwhatthetroublewas，Icouldnotbeanyhelptohim。

Prettysoonafterthisalong，cadaverouscreature，withlankylockshangingdowntohisshoulders，andaweek’sstubblebristlingfromthehillsandvalleysofhisface，dartedwithinthedoor，andhalted，motionless，withfingeronlip，andheadandbodybentinlisteningattitude。Nosoundwasheard。

Stillhelistened。Nosound。Thenheturnedthekeyinthedoor，andcameelaboratelytiptoeingtowardmetillhewaswithinlongreachingdistanceofme，whenhestoppedand，afterscanningmyfacewithintenseinterestforawhile，drewafoldedcopyofourpaperfromhisbosom，andsaid：

“There，youwrotethat。Readittome——quick！，Relieveme。Isuffer。”

Ireadasfollows;andasthesentencesfellfrommylipsIcouldseethereliefcome，Icouldseethedrawnmusclesrelax，andtheanxietygooutoftheface，andrestandpeacestealoverthefeatureslikethemercifulmoonlightoveradesolatelandscape：

Theguanoisafinebird，butgreatcareisnecessaryinrearingit。

ItshouldnotbeimportedearlierthanJuneorlaterthanSeptember。

Inthewinteritshouldbekeptinawarmplace，whereitcanhatchoutitsyoung。

Itisevidentthatwearetohaveabackwardseasonforgrain。

Thereforeitwillbewellforthefarmertobeginsettingouthiscorn-stalksandplantinghisbuckwheatcakesinJulyinsteadofAugust。

Concerningthepumpkin。ThisberryisafavoritewiththenativesoftheinteriorofNewEngland，whopreferittothegooseberryforthemakingoffruit-cake，andwholikewisegiveitthepreferenceovertheraspberryforfeedingcows，asbeingmorefillingandfullyassatisfying。ThepumpkinistheonlyesculentoftheorangefamilythatwillthriveintheNorth，exceptthegourdandoneortwovarietiesofthesquash。Butthecustomofplantingitinthefrontyardwiththeshrubberyisfastgoingoutofvogue，foritisnowgenerallyconcededthat，thepumpkinasashadetreeisafailure。

Now，asthewarmweatherapproaches，andthegandersbegintospawn——

Theexcitedlistenersprangtowardmetoshakehands，andsaid：

“There，there——thatwilldo。IknowIamallrightnow，becauseyouhavereaditjustasIdid，word，forword。But，stranger，whenIfirstreaditthismorning，Isaidtomyself，Inever，neverbelieveditbefore，notwithstandingmyfriendskeptmeunderwatchsostrict，butnowI

believeIamcrazy;andwiththatIfetchedahowlthatyoumighthaveheardtwomiles，andstartedouttokillsomebody——because，youknow，Iknewitwouldcometothatsoonerorlater，andsoImightaswellbegin。Ireadoneofthemparagraphsoveragain，soastobecertain，andthenIburnedmyhousedownandstarted。Ihavecrippledseveralpeople，andhavegotonefellowupatree，whereIcangethimifIwanthim。ButIthoughtIwouldcallinhereasIpassedalongandmakethethingperfectlycertain;andnowitiscertain，andItellyouitisluckyforthechapthatisinthetree。Ishouldhavekilledhimsure，asIwentback。Good-by，sir，good-by;youhavetakenagreatloadoffmymind。Myreasonhasstoodthestrainofoneofyouragriculturalarticles，andIknowthatnothingcaneverunseatitnow。Good-by，sir。”

Ifeltalittleuncomfortableaboutthecripplingsandarsonsthispersonhadbeenentertaininghimselfwith，forIcouldnothelpfeelingremotelyaccessorytothem。Butthesethoughtswerequicklybanished，fortheregulareditorwalkedin！，[Ithoughttomyself，NowifyouhadgonetoEgyptasIrecommendedyouto，Imighthavehadachancetogetmyhandin;butyouwouldn’tdoit，andhereyouare。Isortofexpectedyou。]

Theeditorwaslookingsadandperplexedanddejected。

Hesurveyedthewreckwhichthatoldrioterandthosetwoyoungfarmershadmade，andthensaid“Thisisasadbusiness——averysadbusiness。

Thereisthemucilage-bottlebroken，andsixpanesofglass，andaspittoon，andtwocandlesticks。Butthatisnottheworst。Thereputationofthepaperisinjured——andpermanently，Ifear。True，thereneverwassuchacallforthepaperbefore，anditneversoldsuchalargeeditionorsoaredtosuchcelebrity;butdoesonewanttobefamousforlunacy，andprosperupontheinfirmitiesofhismind？，Myfriend，asIamanhonestman，thestreetouthereisfullofpeople，andothersareroostingonthefences，waitingtogetaglimpseofyou，becausetheythinkyouarecrazy。Andwelltheymightafterreadingyoureditorials。

Theyareadisgracetojournalism。Why，whatputitintoyourheadthatyoucouldeditapaperofthisnature？，Youdonotseemtoknowthefirstrudimentsofagriculture。Youspeakofafurrowandaharrowasbeingthesamething;youtalkofthemoultingseasonforcows;andyourecommendthedomesticationofthepole-catonaccountofitsplayfulnessanditsexcellenceasaratter！，Yourremarkthatclamswillliequietifmusicbeplayedtothemwassuperfluous——entirelysuperfluous。Nothingdisturbsclams。Clamsalwaysliequiet。Clamscarenothingwhateveraboutmusic。Ah，heavensandearth，friend！ifyouhadmadetheacquiringofignorancethestudyofyourlife，youcouldnothavegraduatedwithhigherhonorthanyoucouldto-day。Ineversawanythinglikeit。Yourobservationthatthehorse-chestnutasanarticleofcommerceissteadilygaininginfavorissimplycalculatedtodestroythisjournal。Iwantyoutothrowupyoursituationandgo。Iwantnomoreholiday——IcouldnotenjoyitifIhadit。Certainlynotwithyouinmychair。Iwouldalwaysstandindreadofwhatyoumightbegoingtorecommendnext。ItmakesmeloseallpatienceeverytimeIthinkofyourdiscussingoyster-bedsundertheheadof’LandscapeGardening。’，Iwantyoutogo。Nothingonearthcouldpersuademetotakeanotherholiday。

Oh！whydidn’tyoutellmeyoudidn’tknowanythingaboutagriculture？”

“Tellyou，youcorn-stalk，youcabbage，yousonofacauliflower？，It’sthefirsttimeIeverheardsuchanunfeelingremark。ItellyouIhavebeenintheeditorialbusinessgoingonfourteenyears，anditisthefirsttimeIeverheardofaman’shavingtoknowanythinginordertoeditanewspaper。Youturnip！，Whowritethedramaticcritiquesforthesecond-ratepapers？，Why，aparcelofpromotedshoemakersandapprenticeapothecaries，whoknowjustasmuchaboutgoodactingasIdoaboutgoodfarmingandnomore。Whoreviewthebooks？，Peoplewhoneverwroteone。

Whodouptheheavyleadersonfinance？，Partieswhohavehadthelargestopportunitiesforknowingnothingaboutit。WhocriticizetheIndiancampaigns？，Gentlemenwhodonotknowawar-whoopfromawigwam，andwhoneverhavehadtorunafoot-racewithatomahawk，orpluckarrowsoutoftheseveralmembersoftheirfamiliestobuildtheeveningcamp-firewith。Whowritethetemperanceappeals，andclamorabouttheflowingbowl？，Folkswhowillneverdrawanothersoberbreathtilltheydoitinthegrave。Whoedittheagriculturalpapers，you——yam？，Men，asageneralthing，whofailinthepoetryline，yellow-colorednovelline，sensation，dramaline，city-editorline，andfinallyfallbackonagricultureasatemporaryreprievefromthepoorhouse。Youtrytotellmeanythingaboutthenewspaperbusiness！，Sir，IhavebeenthroughitfromAlphatoOmaha，andItellyouthatthelessamanknowsthebiggerthenoisehemakesandthehigherthesalaryhecommands。HeavenknowsifIhadbutbeenignorantinsteadofcultivated，andimpudentinsteadofdiffident，Icouldhavemadeanameformyselfinthiscold，selfishworld。Itakemyleave，sir。SinceIhavebeentreatedasyouhavetreatedme，Iamperfectlywillingtogo。ButIhavedonemyduty。I

havefulfilledmycontractasfarasIwaspermittedtodoit。IsaidI

couldmakeyourpaperofinteresttoallclasses——andIhave。IsaidI

couldrunyourcirculationuptotwentythousandcopies，andifIhadhadtwomoreweeksI’dhavedoneit。AndI’dhavegivenyouthebestclassofreadersthateveranagriculturalpaperhad——notafarmerinit，norasolitaryindividualwhocouldtellawatermelon-treefromapeach-vinetosavehislife。Youaretheloserbythisrupture，notme，Pie-plant。

Adios。”

Ithenleft。

THEPETRIFIEDMAN

Now，toshowhowreallyharditistofoistamoraloratruthuponanunsuspectingpublicthroughaburlesquewithoutentirelyandabsurdlymissingone’smark，Iwillheresetdowntwoexperiencesofmyowninthisthing。Inthefallof1862，inNevadaandCalifornia，thepeoplegottorunningwildaboutextraordinarypetrifactionsandothernaturalmarvels。Onecouldscarcelypickupapaperwithoutfindinginitoneortwoglorifieddiscoveriesofthiskind。Themaniawasbecomingalittleridiculous。Iwasabrand-newlocaleditorinVirginiaCity，andIfeltcalledupontodestroythisgrowingevil;weallhaveourbenignant，fatherlymoodsatonetimeoranother，Isuppose。Ichosetokillthepetrifactionmaniawithadelicate，averydelicatesatire。Butmaybeitwasaltogethertoodelicate，fornobodyeverperceivedthesatirepartofitatall。Iputmyschemeintheshapeofthediscoveryofaremarkablypetrifiedman。

IhadhadatemporaryfallingoutwithMr——，thenewcoronerandjusticeofthepeaceofHumboldt，andthoughtImightaswelltouchhimupalittleatthesametimeandmakehimridiculous，andthuscombinepleasurewithbusiness。SoItold，inpatient，belief-compellingdetail，allaboutthefindingofapetrified-manatGravellyFord(exactlyahundredandtwentymiles，overabreakneckmountaintrailfromwhere——

lived);howallthesavantsoftheimmediateneighborhoodhadbeentoexamineit(itwasnotoriousthattherewasnotalivingcreaturewithinfiftymilesofthere，exceptafewstarvingIndians;somecrippledgrasshoppers，andfourorfivebuzzardsoutofmeatandtoofeebletogetaway);howthosesavantsallpronouncedthepetrifiedmantohavebeeninastateofcompletepetrifactionforovertengenerations;andthen，withaseriousnessthatIoughttohavebeenashamedtoassume，IstatedthatassoonasMr——heardthenewshesummonedajury，mountedhismule，andpostedoff，withnoblereverenceforofficialduty，onthatawfulfivedays’journey，throughalkali，sagebrush，perilofbody，andimminentstarvation，toholdaninquestonthismanthathadbeendeadandturnedtoeverlastingstoneformorethanthreehundredyears！

Andthen，myhandbeing“in，“sotospeak，Iwenton，withthesameunflinchinggravity，tostatethatthejuryreturnedaverdictthatdeceasedcametohisdeathfromprotractedexposure。Thisonlymovedmetohigherflightsofimagination，andIsaidthatthejury，withthatcharitysocharacteristicofpioneers，thendugagrave，andwereabouttogivethepetrifiedmanChristianburial，whentheyfoundthatforagesalimestonesedimenthadbeentricklingdownthefaceofthestoneagainstwhichhewassitting，andthisstuffhadrununderhimandcementedhimfasttothe“bed-rock“;thatthejury(theywereallsilver-

miners)canvassedthedifficultyamoment，andthengotouttheirpowderandfuse，andproceededtodrillaholeunderhim，inordertoblasthimfromhisposition，whenMr——，“withthatdelicacysocharacteristicofhim，forbadethem，observingthatitwouldbelittlelessthansacrilegetodosuchathing。”

Frombeginningtoendthe“PetrifiedMan“squibwasastringofroaringabsurdities，albeittheyweretoldwithanunfairpretenseoftruththatevenimposeduponmetosomeextent，andIwasinsomedangerofbelievinginmyownfraud。ButIreallyhadnodesiretodeceiveanybody，andnoexpectationofdoingit。Idependedonthewaythepetrifiedmanwassittingtoexplaintothepublicthathewasaswindle。

YetIpurposelymixedthatupwithotherthings，hopingtomakeitobscure——andIdid。Iwoulddescribethepositionofonefoot，andthensayhisrightthumbwasagainstthesideofhisnose;thentalkabouthisotherfoot，andpresentlycomebackandsaythefingersofhisrighthandwerespreadapart;thentalkaboutthebackofhisheadalittle，andreturnandsaytheleftthumbwashookedintotherightlittlefinger;

thenrambleoffaboutsomethingelse，andbyandbydriftbackagainandremarkthatthefingersofthelefthandwerespreadlikethoseoftheright。ButIwastooingenious。Imixedituprathertoomuch;andsoallthatdescriptionoftheattitude，asakeytothehumbuggeryofthearticle，wasentirelylost，fornobodybutmeeverdiscoveredandcomprehendedthepeculiarandsuggestivepositionofthepetrifiedman’shands。

Asasatireonthepetrifactionmania，oranythingelse，mypetrifiedManwasadishearteningfailure;foreverybodyreceivedhimininnocentgoodfaith，andIwasstunnedtoseethecreatureIhadbegottentopulldownthewonder-businesswith，andbringderisionuponit，calmlyexaltedtothegrandchiefplaceinthelistofthegenuinemarvelsourNevadahadproduced。Iwassodisappointedatthecuriousmiscarriageofmyscheme，thatatfirstIwasangry，anddidnotliketothinkaboutit;butbyandby，whentheexchangesbegantocomeinwiththePetrifiedMancopiedandguilelesslyglorified，Ibegantofeelasoothingsecretsatisfaction;

andasmygentleman’sfieldoftravelsbroadened，andbytheexchangesI

sawthathesteadilyandimplacablypenetratedterritoryafterterritory，stateafterstate，andlandafterland，tillhesweptthegreatglobeandculminatedinsublimeandunimpeachedlegitimacyintheaugustLondonLancet，mycupwasfull，andIsaidIwasgladIhaddoneit。Ithinkthatforaboutelevenmonths，asnearlyasIcanremember，Mr——’sdailymail-bagcontinuedtobeswollenbytheadditionofhalfabushelofnewspapershailingfrommanyclimeswiththePetrifiedManinthem，markedaroundwithaprominentbeltofink。Isentthemtohim。Ididitforspite，notforfun。

Heusedtoshovelthemintohisbackyardandcurse。Andeverydayduringallthosemonthstheminers，hisconstituents(forminersneverquitjokingapersonwhentheygetstarted)，wouldcallonhimandaskifhecouldtellthemwheretheycouldgetholdofapaperwiththePetrifiedManinit。Hecouldhaveaccommodatedacontinentwiththem。

Ihated——inthosedays，andthesethingspacifiedmeandpleasedme。

Icouldnothavegottenmorerealcomfortoutofhimwithoutkillinghim。

MYBLOODYMASSACRE

TheotherburlesqueIhavereferredtowasmyfinesatireuponthefinancialexpedientsof“cookingdividends，“athingwhichbecameshamefullyfrequentonthePacificcoastforawhile。Oncemore，inmyself-complacentsimplicityIfeltthatthetimehadarrivedformetoriseupandbeareformer。Iputthisreformatorysatire，intheshapeofafearful“MassacreatEmpireCity。”，TheSanFranciscopapersweremakingagreatoutcryabouttheiniquityoftheDaneySilver-MiningCompany，whosedirectorshaddeclareda“cooked“orfalsedividend，forthepurposeofincreasingthevalueoftheirstock，sothattheycouldselloutatacomfortablefigure，andthenscramblefromunderthetumblingconcern。AndwhileabusingtheDaney，thosepapersdidnotforgettourgethepublictogetridofalltheirsilverstocksandinvestin，soundandsafeSanFranciscostocks，suchastheSpringValleyWaterCompany，etc。Butrightatthisunfortunatejuncture，beholdtheSpringValleycookedadividendtoo！，Andso，undertheinsidiousmaskofaninvented“bloodymassacre，“Istoleuponthepublicunawareswithmyscathingsatireuponthedividendcookingsystem。InabouthalfacolumnofimaginaryhumancarnageItoldhowacitizenhardmurderedhiswifeandninechildren，andthencommittedsuicide。AndIsaidslyly，atthebottom，thatthesuddenmadnessofwhichthismelancholymassacrewastheresulthadbeenbroughtaboutbyhishavingallowedhimselftobepersuadedbytheCaliforniapaperstosellhissoundandlucrativeNevadasilverstocks，andbuyintoSpringValleyjustintimetogetcookedalongwiththatcompany’sfancydividend，andsinkeverycenthehadintheworld。