第4章
Iwonderwhatthiswallisbuiltof？，Canitbefungus？，Fungusisanhonorablegoodthingtobuildawallof。”
ProfessorSnailadjustedhisfield-glassandexaminedtherampartcritically。Finallyhesaid：
“’Thefactthatitisnotdiaphanousconvincesmethatitisadensevaporformedbythecalorificationofascendingmoisturedephlogisticatedbyrefraction。Afewendiometricalexperimentswouldconfirmthis，butitisnotnecessary。Thethingisobvious。”
Soheshutuphisglassandwentintohisshelltomakeanoteofthediscoveryoftheworld’send，andthenatureofit。
“Profoundmind！”saidProfessorAngle-WormtoProfessorField-Mouse;
“profoundmind！nothingcanlongremainamysterytothataugustbrain。”
Nightdrewonapace，thesentinelcricketswereposted，theGlow-WormandFire-Flylampswerelighted，andthecampsanktosilenceandsleep。
Afterbreakfastinthemorning，theexpeditionmovedon。Aboutnoonagreatavenuewasreached，whichhadinittwoendlessparallelbarsofsomekindofhardblacksubstance，raisedtheheightofthetallestBullFrog，abovethegenerallevel。Thescientistsclimbedupontheseandexaminedandtestedtheminvariousways。Theywalkedalongthemforagreatdistance，butfoundnoendandnobreakinthem。Theycouldarriveatnodecision。Therewasnothingintherecordsofsciencethatmentionedanythingofthiskind。Butatlastthebaldandvenerablegeographer，ProfessorMudTurtle，apersonwho，bornpoor，andofadrudginglowfamily，had，byhisownnativeforceraisedhimselftotheheadshipofthegeographersofhisgeneration，said：
“’Myfriends，wehaveindeedmadeadiscoveryhere。Wehavefoundinapalpable，compact，andimperishablestatewhatthewisestofourfathersalwaysregardedasamerethingoftheimagination。Humbleyourselves，myfriends，forwestandinamajesticpresence。Theseareparallelsoflatitude！”
Everyheartandeveryheadwasbowed，soawful，sosublimewasthemagnitudeofthediscovery。Manyshedtears。
Thecampwaspitchedandtherestofthedaygivenuptowritingvoluminousaccountsofthemarvel，andcorrectingastronomicaltablestofitit。Towardmidnightademoniacalshriekwasheard，thenaclatteringandrumblingnoise，andthenextinstantavastterrificeyeshotby，withalongtailattached，anddisappearedinthegloom，stillutteringtriumphantshrieks。
Thepoordamplaborerswerestrickentotheheartwithfright，andstampededforthehighgrassinabody。Butnotthescientists。Theyhadnosuperstitions。Theycalmlyproceededtoexchangetheories。
Theancientgeographer’sopinionwasasked。Hewentintohisshellanddeliberatedlongandprofoundly。Whenhecameoutatlast，theyallknewbyhisworshipingcountenancethathebroughtlight。Saidhe：
“Givethanksforthisstupendousthingwhichwehavebeenpermittedtowitness。ItistheVernalEquinox！”
Therewereshoutingsandgreatrejoicings。
“But，“saidtheAngle-Worm，uncoilingafterreflection，“thisisdeadsummer-time。”
“Verywell，“saidtheTurtle，“wearefarfromourregion;theseasondifferswiththedifferenceoftimebetweenthetwopoints。”
“Ah，true：，Trueenough。Butitisnight。Howshouldthesunpassinthenight？”
“Inthesedistantregionshedoubtlesspassesalwaysinthenightatthishour。”
“Yes，doubtlessthatistrue。Butitbeingnight，howisitthatwecouldseehim？”
“Itisagreatmystery。Igrantthat。ButIampersuadedthatthehumidityoftheatmosphereintheseremoteregionsissuchthatparticlesofdaylightadheretothediskanditwasbyaidofthesethatwewereenabledtoseethesuninthedark。”
Thiswasdeemedsatisfactory，anddueentrywasmadeofthedecision。
Butaboutthismomentthosedreadfulshriekingswereheardagain;againtherumblingandthunderingcamespeedingupoutofthenight;andoncemoreaflaminggreateyeflashedbyandlostitselfingloomanddistance。
Thecamplaborersgavethemselvesupforlost。Thesavantsweresorelyperplexed。Herewasamarvelhardtoaccountfor。Theythoughtandtheytalked，theytalkedandtheythought。FinallythelearnedandagedLordGrand-Daddy-Longlegs，whohadbeensittingindeepstudy，withhisslenderlimbscrossedandhisstemmyarmsfolded，said：
“Deliveryouropinions，brethren，andthenIwilltellmythought——forI
thinkIhavesolvedthisproblem。”
“Sobeit，goodyourlordship，“pipedtheweaktrebleofthewrinkledandwitheredProfessorWoodlouse，“forweshallhearfromyourlordship’slipsnaughtbutwisdom。”，[Herethespeakerthrewinamessoftrite，threadbare，exasperatingquotationsfromtheancientpoetsandphilosophers，deliveringthemwithunctioninthesoundinggrandeursoftheoriginaltongues，theybeingfromtheMastodon，theDodo，andotherdeadlanguages。]，“PerhapsIoughtnottopresumetomeddlewithmatterspertainingtoastronomyatall，insuchapresenceasthis，Iwhohavemadeitthebusinessofmylifetodelveonlyamongtherichesoftheextinctlanguagesandunearththeopulenceoftheirancientlore;butstill，asunacquaintedasIamwiththenoblescienceofastronomy，Ibegwithdeferenceandhumilitytosuggestthatinasmuchasthelastofthesewonderfulapparitionsproceededinexactlytheoppositedirectionfromthatpursuedbythefirst，whichyoudecidetobetheVernalEquinox，andgreatlyresembleditinallparticulars，isitnotpossible，naycertain，thatthislastistheAutumnalEqui——“
“O-o-o！”“O-o-o！gotobed！gotobed！”withannoyedderisionfromeverybody。SothepooroldWoodlouseretreatedoutofsight，consumedwithshame。
Furtherdiscussionfollowed，andthentheunitedvoiceofthecommissionbeggedLordLonglegstospeak。Hesaid：
“Fellow-scientists，itismybeliefthatwehavewitnessedathingwhichhasoccurredinperfectionbutoncebeforeintheknowledgeofcreatedbeings。Itisaphenomenonofinconceivableimportanceandinterest，viewitasonemay，butitsinteresttousisvastlyheightenedbyanaddedknowledgeofitsnaturewhichnoscholarhasheretoforepossessedorevensuspected。Thisgreatmarvelwhichwehavejustwitnessed，fellow-savants(italmosttakesmybreathaway)，isnothinglessthanthetransitofVenus！”
Everyscholarsprangtohisfeetpalewithastonishment。Thenensuedtears，handshakings，frenziedembraces，andthemostextravagantjubilationsofeverysort。Butbyandby，asemotionbegantoretirewithinbounds，andreflectiontoreturntothefront，theaccomplishedChiefInspectorLizardobserved：
“Buthowisthis？，Venusshouldtraversethesun’ssurface，nottheearth’s。”
Thearrowwenthome。Itearnedsorrowtothebreastofeveryapostleoflearningthere，fornonecoulddenythatthiswasaformidablecriticism。
ButtranquillythevenerableDukecrossedhislimbsbehindhisearsandsaid：
“Myfriendhastouchedthemarrowofourmightydiscovery。Yes——allthathavelivedbeforeusthoughtatransitofVenusconsistedofaflightacrossthesun’sface;theythoughtit，theymaintainedit，theyhonestlybelievedit，simplehearts，andwerejustifiedinitbythelimitationsoftheirknowledge;buttoushasbeengrantedtheinestimableboonofprovingthatthetransitoccursacrosstheearth’sface，forwehaveSEEN
it！”
Theassembledwisdomsatinspeechlessadorationofthisimperialintellect。Alldoubtshadinstantlydeparted，likenightbeforethelightning。
TheTumble-Bughadjustintruded，unnoticed。Henowcamereelingforwardamongthescholars，familiarlyslappingfirstoneandthenanotherontheshoulder，saying“Nice(’ic)niceoldboy！”andsmilingasmileofelaboratecontent。Arrivedatagoodpositionforspeaking，heputhisleftarmakimbowithhisknucklesplantedinhishipjustundertheedgeofhiscut-awaycoat，benthisrightleg，placinghistoeonthegroundandrestinghisheelwitheasygraceagainsthisleftshin，puffedouthisaldermanicstomach，openedhislips，leanedhisrightelbowonInspectorLizard’sshoulder，and——
Buttheshoulderwasindignantlywithdrawnandthehard-handedsonoftoilwenttoearth。Heflounderedabit，butcameupsmiling，arrangedhisattitudewiththesamecarefuldetailasbefore，onlychoosingProfessorDogtick’sshoulderforasupport，openedhislipsand——
Wenttoearthagain。Hepresentlyscrambleduponcemore，stillsmiling，madealooseefforttobrushthedustoffhiscoatandlegs，butasmartpassofhishandmissedentirely，andtheforceoftheuncheckedimpulsestewedhimsuddenlyaround，twistedhislegstogether，andprojectedhim，limberandsprawling，intothelapoftheLordLonglegs。Twoorthreescholarssprangforward，flungthelowcreatureheadoverheelsintoacorner，andreinstatedthepatrician，smoothinghisruffleddignitywithmanysoothingandregretfulspeeches。ProfessorBullFrogroaredout：
“Nomoreofthis，sirrahTumble-Bug！，Sayyoursayandthengetyouaboutyourbusinesswithspeed！，Quick——whatisyourerrand？，Comemoveoffatrifle;yousmelllikeastable;whathaveyoubeenat？”
“Please(’ic！)pleaseyourworshipIchancedtolightuponafind。Butnom(e-uck！)matter’boutthat。There’sb(’ic！)beenanotherfindwhich——begpardon，yourhonors，whatwasthatth(’ic！)thingthatrippedbyherefirst？”
“ItwastheVernalEquinox。”
“Inf(’ic！)fernalequinox。’At’sallright。D(’ic！)Dunnohim。What’sotherone？”
“ThetransitofVenus。
“G(’ic！)Gotmeagain。Nomatter。Las’onedroppedsomething。”
“Ah，indeed！，Goodluck！，Goodnews！，Quickwhatisit？”
“M(’ic！)Moseyout’n’see。It’llpay。”
Nomorevotesweretakenforfour-and-twentyhours。Thenthefollowingentrywasmade：
“Thecommissionwentinabodytoviewthefind。Itwasfoundtoconsistofahard，smooth，hugeobjectwitharoundedsummitsurmountedbyashortuprightprojectionresemblingasectionofacabbagestalkdividedtransversely。Thisprojectionwasnotsolid，butwasahollowcylinderpluggedwithasoftwoodysubstanceunknowntoourregion——thatis，ithadbeensoplugged，butunfortunatelythisobstructionhadbeenheedlesslyremovedbyNorwayRat，ChiefoftheSappersandMiners，beforeourarrival。Thevastobjectbeforeus，somysteriouslyconveyedfromtheglitteringdomainsofspace，wasfoundtobehollowandnearlyfilledwithapungentliquidofabrownishhue，likerainwaterthathasstoodforsometime。Andsuchaspectacleasmetourview！，NorwayRatwaspercheduponthesummitengagedinthrustinghistailintothecylindricalprojection，drawingitoutdripping，permittingthestrugglingmultitudeoflaborerstosucktheendofit，thenstraightwayreinsertingitanddeliveringthefluidtothemobasbefore。Evidentlythisliquorhadstrangelypotentqualities;forallthatpartookofitwereimmediatelyexaltedwithgreatandpleasurableemotions，andwentstaggeringaboutsingingribaldsongs，embracing，fighting，dancing，dischargingirruptionsofprofanity，anddefyingallauthority。Aroundusstruggledamassedanduncontrolledmob——uncontrolledandlikewiseuncontrollable，forthewholearmy，downtotheverysentinels，weremadliketherest，byreasonofthedrink。Wewereseizeduponbytheserecklesscreatures，andwithinthehourwe，evenwe，wereundistinguishablefromtherest——thedemoralizationwascompleteanduniversal。Intimethecampworeitselfoutwithitsorgiesandsankintoastolidandpitiablestupor，inwhosemysteriousbondsrankwasforgottenandstrangebedfellowsmade，oureyes，attheresurrection，beingblastedandoursoulspetrifiedwiththeincrediblespectacleofthatintolerablestinkingscavenger，theTumble-Bug，andtheillustriouspatricianmyLordGrandDaddy，DukeofLonglegs，lyingsoundlysteepedinsleep，andclaspedlovinglyineachother’sarms，thelikewhereofhathnotbeenseeninalltheagesthattraditioncompasseth，anddoubtlessnoneshalleverinthisworldfindfaithtomasterthebeliefofitsaveonlywethathavebeheldthedamnableandunholyvision。ThusinscrutablebethewaysofGod，whosewillbedone！
“Thisday，byorder，didtheengineer-in-chief，HerrSpider，rigthenecessarytacklefortheoverturningofthevastreservoir，andsoitscalamitouscontentsweredischargedinatorrentuponthethirstyearth，whichdrankitup，andnowthereisnomoredanger，wereservingbutafewdropsforexperimentandscrutiny，andtoexhibittothekingandsubsequentlypreserveamongthewondersofthemuseum。Whatthisliquidishasbeendetermined。Itiswithoutquestionthatfierceandmostdestructivefluidcalledlightning。Itwaswrested，initscontainer，fromitsstorehouseintheclouds，bytheresistlessmightoftheflyingplanet，andhurledatourfeetasshespedby。Aninterestingdiscoveryhereresults。Whichis，thatlightning，kepttoitself，isquiescent;itistheassaultingcontactofthethunderboltthatreleasesitfromcaptivity，ignitesitsawfulfires，andsoproducesaninstantaneouscombustionandexplosionwhichspreaddisasteranddesolationfarandwideintheearth。”
Afteranotherdaydevotedtorestandrecovery，theexpeditionproceededuponitsway。Somedayslateritwentintocampinapleasantpartoftheplain，andthesavantssalliedforthtoseewhattheymightfind。
Theirrewardwasathand。ProfessorBullFrogdiscoveredastrangetree，andcalledhiscomrades。Theyinspecteditwithprofoundinterest。Itwasverytallandstraight，andwhollydevoidofbark，limbs，orfoliage。
BytriangulationLordLonglegsdetermineditsaltitude;HerrSpidermeasureditscircumferenceatthebaseandcomputedthecircumferenceatitstopbyamathematicaldemonstrationbaseduponthewarrantfurnishedbytheuniformdegreeofitstaperupward。Itwasconsideredaveryextraordinaryfind;andsinceitwasatreeofahithertounknownspecies，ProfessorWoodlousegaveitanameofalearnedsound，beingnoneotherthanthatofProfessorBullFrogtranslatedintotheancientMastodonlanguage，forithadalwaysbeenthecustomwithdiscovererstoperpetuatetheirnamesandhonorthemselvesbythissortofconnectionwiththeirdiscoveries。
NowProfessorField-Mousehavingplacedhissensitiveeartothetree，detectedarich，harmonioussoundissuingfromit。Thissurprisingthingwastestedandenjoyedbyeachscholarinturn，andgreatwasthegladnessandastonishmentofall。ProfessorWoodlousewasrequestedtoaddtoandextendthetree’snamesoastomakeitsuggestthemusicalqualityitpossessed——whichhedid，furnishingtheadditionAnthemSinger，doneintotheMastodontongue。
BythistimeProfessorSnailwasmakingsometelescopicinspections。
Hediscoveredagreatnumberofthesetrees，extendinginasinglerank，withwideintervalsbetween，asfarashisinstrumentwouldcarry，bothsouthwardandnorthward。Healsopresentlydiscoveredthatallthesetreeswereboundtogether，neartheirtops，byfourteengreatropes，oneaboveanother，whichropeswerecontinuous，fromtreetotree，asfarashisvisioncouldreach。Thiswassurprising。ChiefEngineerSpiderranaloftandsoonreportedthattheseropesweresimplyawebhungtherebysomecolossalmemberofhisownspecies，forhecouldseeitspreydanglinghereandtherefromthestrands，intheshapeofmightyshredsandragsthathadawovenlookabouttheirtextureandwerenodoubtthediscardedskinsofprodigiousinsectswhichhadbeencaughtandeaten。
Andthenheranalongoneoftheropestomakeacloserinspection，butfeltasmartsuddenburnonthesolesofhisfeet，accompaniedbyaparalyzingshock，whereforeheletgoandswunghimselftotheearthbyathreadofhisownspinning，andadvisedalltohurryatoncetocamp，lestthemonstershouldappearandgetasmuchinterestedinthesavantsastheywereinhimandhisworks。Sotheydepartedwithspeed，makingnotesaboutthegiganticwebastheywent。Andthateveningthenaturalistoftheexpeditionbuiltabeautifulmodelofthecolossalspider，havingnoneedtoseeitinordertodothis，becausehehadpickedupafragmentofitsvertebrabythetree，andsoknewexactlywhatthecreaturelookedlikeandwhatitshabitsanditspreferenceswerebythissimpleevidencealone。Hebuiltitwithatail，teeth，fourteenlegs，andasnout，andsaiditategrass，cattle，pebbles，anddirtwithequalenthusiasm。Thisanimalwasregardedasaverypreciousadditiontoscience。Itwashopedadeadonemightbefoundtostuff。
ProfessorWoodlousethoughtthatheandhisbrotherscholars，bylyinghidandbeingquiet，mightmaybecatchaliveone。Hewasadvisedtotryit。Whichwasalltheattentionthatwaspaidtohissuggestion。Theconferenceendedwiththenamingthemonsterafterthenaturalist，sincehe，afterGod，hadcreatedit。
“Andimprovedit，mayhap，“mutteredtheTumble-Bug，whowasintrudingagain，accordingtohisidlecustomandhisunappeasablecuriosity。
ENDOFPARTFIRST
SOMELEARNEDFABLESFORGOODOLDBOYSANDGIRLS
PARTSECOND
HOWTHEANIMALSOFTHEWOODCOMPLETEDTHEIRSCIENTIFICLABORS
Aweeklatertheexpeditioncampedinthemidstofacollectionofwonderfulcuriosities。Thesewereasortofvastcavernsofstonethatrosesinglyandinbunchesoutoftheplainbythesideoftheriverwhichtheyhadfirstseenwhentheyemergedfromtheforest。Thesecavernsstoodinlong，straightrowsonoppositesidesofbroadaislesthatwereborderedwithsingleranksoftrees。Thesummitofeachcavernslopedsharplybothways。Severalhorizontalrowsofgreatsquareholes，obstructedbyathin，shiny，transparentsubstance，piercedthefrontageofeachcavern。Insidewerecavernswithincaverns;andonemightascendandvisittheseminorcompartmentsbymeansofcuriouswindingwaysconsistingofcontinuousregularterracesraisedoneaboveanother。
Thereweremanyhuge，shapelessobjectsineachcompartmentwhichwereconsideredtohavebeenlivingcreaturesatonetime，thoughnowthethinbrownskinwasshrunkenandloose，andrattledwhendisturbed。Spiderswerehereingreatnumber，andtheircobwebs，stretchedinalldirectionsandwreathingthegreatskinnydeadtogether，wereapleasantspectacle，sincetheyinspiredwithlifeandwholesomecheerascenewhichwouldotherwisehavebroughttothemindonlyasenseofforsakennessanddesolation。Informationwassoughtofthesespiders，butinvain。Theywereofadifferentnationalityfromthosewiththeexpedition，andtheirlanguageseemedbutamusical，meaninglessjargon。Theywereatimid，gentlerace，butignorant，andheathenishworshipersofunknowngods。
Theexpeditiondetailedagreatdetachmentofmissionariestoteachthemthetruereligion，andinaweek’stimeapreciousworkhadbeenwroughtamongthosedarkenedcreatures，notthreefamiliesbeingbythattimeatpeacewitheachotherorhavingasettledbeliefinanysystemofreligionwhatever。Thisencouragedtheexpeditiontoestablishacolonyofmissionariestherepermanently，thattheworkofgracemightgoon。
Butletusnotoutrunournarrative。Aftercloseexaminationofthefrontsofthecaverns，andmuchthinkingandexchangingoftheories，thescientistsdeterminedthenatureofthesesingularformations。TheysaidthateachbelongedmainlytotheOldRedSandstoneperiod;thatthecavernfrontsroseininnumerableandwonderfullyregularstratahighintheair，eachstratumaboutfivefrog-spansthick，andthatinthepresentdiscoverylayanoverpoweringrefutationofallreceivedgeology;
forbetweeneverytwolayersofOldRedSandstonereposedathinlayerofdecomposedlimestone;soinsteadoftherehavingbeenbutoneOldRedSandstoneperiodtherehadcertainlybeennotlessthanahundredandseventy-five！，Andbythesametokenitwasplainthattherehadalsobeenahundredandseventy-fivefloodingsoftheearthanddepositingsoflimestonestrata！，Theunavoidabledeductionfromwhichpairoffactswastheoverwhelmingtruththattheworld，insteadofbeingonlytwohundredthousandyearsold，wasolderbymillionsuponmillionsofyears！，Andtherewasanothercuriousthing：everystratumofOldRedSandstonewaspiercedanddividedatmathematicallyregularintervalsbyverticalstrataoflimestone。Up-shootingsofigneousrockthroughfracturesinwaterformationswerecommon;butherewasthefirstinstancewherewater-formedrockhadbeensoprojected。Itwasagreatandnoblediscovery，anditsvaluetosciencewasconsideredtobeinestimable。
Acriticalexaminationofsomeofthelowerstratademonstratedthepresenceoffossilantsandtumble-bugs(thelatteraccompaniedbytheirpeculiargoods)，andwithhighgratificationthefactwasenrolleduponthescientificrecord;forthiswasproofthatthesevulgarlaborersbelongedtothefirstandlowestordersofcreatedbeings，thoughatthesametimetherewassomethingrepulsiveinthereflectionthattheperfectandexquisitecreatureofthemodernuppermostorderoweditsorigintosuchignominiousbeingsthroughthemysteriouslawofDevelopmentofSpecies。
TheTumble-Bug，overhearingthisdiscussion，saidhewaswillingthattheparvenusofthesenewtimesshouldfindwhatcomforttheymightintheirwise-drawntheories，sinceasfarashewasconcernedhewascontenttobeoftheoldfirstfamiliesandproudtopointbacktohisplaceamongtheoldoriginalaristocracyoftheland。
“Enjoyyourmushroomdignity，stinkingofthevarnishofyesterday’sveneering，sinceyoulikeit，“saidhe;“sufficeitfortheTumble-Bugsthattheycomeofaracethatrolledtheirfragrantspheresdownthesolemnaislesofantiquity，andlefttheirimperishableworksembalmedintheOldRedSandstonetoproclaimittothewastingcenturiesastheyfilealongthehighwayofTime！”
“Oh，takeawalk！”saidthechiefoftheeKpedition，withderision。
Thesummerpassed，andwinterapproached。Inandaboutmanyofthecavernswerewhatseemedtobeinscriptions。Mostofthescientistssaidtheywereinscriptions，afewsaidtheywerenot。Thechiefphilologist，ProfessorWoodlouse，maintainedthattheywerewritings，doneinacharacterutterlyunknowntoscholars，andinalanguageequallyunknown。
Hehadearlyorderedhisartistsanddraftsmentomakefacsimilesofallthatwerediscovered;andhadsethimselfaboutfindingthekeytothehiddentongue。Inthisworkhehadfollowedthemethodwhichhadalwaysbeenusedbydeciphererspreviously。Thatistosay，heplacedanumberofcopiesofinscriptionsbeforehimandstudiedthembothcollectivelyandindetail。Tobeginwith，heplacedthefollowingcopiestogether：
THEAMERICANHOTEL。，MEALSATALLHOURS。
THESHADES。，NOSMOKING。
BOATSFORHIRECHEAP，UNIONPRAYERMEETING，6P。M。
BILLIARDS。，THEWATERSIDEJOURNAL。
THEA1BARBERSHOP。，TELEGRAPHOFFICE。
KEEPOFFTHEGRASS。，TRYBRANDRETH’SPILLS。
COTTAGESFORRENTDURINGTHEWATERINGSEASON。
FORSALECHEAP。，FORSALECHEAP。
FORSALECHEAP。，FORSALECHEAP。
Atfirstitseemedtotheprofessorthatthiswasasign-language，andthateachwordwasrepresentedbyadistinctsign;furtherexaminationconvincedhimthatitwasawrittenlanguage，andthateveryletterofitsalphabetwasrepresentedbyacharacterofitsown;andfinallyhedecidedthatitwasalanguagewhichconveyeditselfpartlybyletters，andpartlybysignsorhieroglyphics。Thisconclusionwasforceduponhimbythediscoveryofseveralspecimensofthefollowingnature：
Heobservedthatcertaininscriptionsweremetwithingreaterfrequencythanothers。Suchas“FORSALECHEAP“;“BILLIARDS“;“S。T——1860——X“;
“KENO“;“ALEONDRAUGHT。”，Naturally，then，thesemustbereligiousmaxims。Butthisideawascastasidebyandby，asthemysteryofthestrangealphabetbegantoclearitself。Intime，theprofessorwasenabledtotranslateseveraloftheinscriptionswithconsiderableplausibility，thoughnottotheperfectsatisfactionofallthescholars。
Still，hemadeconstantandencouragingprogress。
Finallyacavernwasdiscoveredwiththeseinscriptionsuponit：
WATERSIDEMUSEUM。
OpenatAllHours。
Admission50cents。
WONDERFULCOLLECTIONOF
WAX-WORKS，ANCIENTFOSSILS，ETC。
ProfessorWoodlouseaffirmedthattheword“Museum“wasequivalenttothephrase“lumgathmolo，“or“BurialPlace。”，Uponentering，thescientistswerewellastonished。Butwhattheysawmaybebestconveyedinthelanguageoftheirownofficialreport：
“Erect，inarow，wereasortofrigidgreatfigureswhichstruckusinstantlyasbelongingtothelongextinctspeciesofreptilecalledMAN，describedinourancientrecords。Thiswasapeculiarlygratifyingdiscovery，becauseoflatetimesithasbecomefashionabletoregardthiscreatureasamythandasuperstition，aworkoftheinventiveimaginationsofourremoteancestors。Buthere，indeed，wasMan，perfectlypreserved，inafossilstate。Andthiswashisburialplace，asalreadyascertainedbytheinscription。Andnowitbegantobesuspectedthatthecavernswehadbeeninspectinghadbeenhisancienthauntsinthatoldtimethatheroamedtheearth——foruponthebreastofeachofthesetallfossilswasaninscriptioninthecharacterheretoforenoticed。Oneread，’CAPTAINKIDDTHEPIRATE’;another，’QUEENVICTORIA’;
another，’ABELINCOLN’;another，’GEORGEWASHINGTON，’etc。
“WithfeverishinterestwecalledforourancientscientificrecordstodiscoverifperchancethedescriptionofMantheresetdownwouldtallywiththefossilsbeforeus。ProfessorWoodlousereaditaloudinitsquaintandmustyphraseology，towit：
“’InyetimeofourfathersManstillwalkedyeearth，asbytraditionweknow。Itwasacreatureofexceedinggreatsize，beingcompassedaboutwithalooseskin，sometimesofonecolor，sometimesofmany，thewhichitwasabletocastatwill;whichbeingdone，thehindlegswerediscoveredtobearmedwithshortclawsliketoamole’sbutbroader，andyeforelegswithfingersofacuriousslimnessandalengthmuchmoreprodigiousthanafrog’s，armedalsowithbroadtalonsforscratchinginyeearthforitsfood。Ithadasortoffeathersuponitsheadsuchashatharat，butlonger，andabeaksuitableforseekingitsfoodbyyesmellthereof。Whenitwasstirredwithhappiness，itleakedwaterfromitseyes;andwhenitsufferedorwassad，itmanifesteditwithahorriblehellishcacklingclamorthatwasexceedingdreadfultohearandmadeonelongthatitmightrenditselfandperish，andsoenditstroubles。TwoMansbeingtogether，theyutterednoisesateachotherlikethis：“Haw-haw-haw——damgood，damgood，“togetherwithothersoundsofmoreorlesslikenesstothese，whereforeyepoetsconceivedthattheytalked，butpoetsbealwaysreadytocatchatanyfranticfolly，Godheknows。Sometimesthiscreaturegoethaboutwithalongstickyewhichitputtethtoitsfaceandblowethfireandsmokethroughyesamewithasuddenandmostdamnablebruitandnoisethatdothfrightitspreytodeath，andsoseizethitinitstalonsandwalkethawaytoitshabitat，consumedwithamostfierceanddevilishjoy。’
“Nowwasthedescriptionsetforthbyourancestorswonderfullyindorsedandconfirmedbythefossilsbeforeus，asshallbeseen。Thespecimenmarked’CaptainKidd’wasexaminedindetail。Uponitsheadandpartofitsfacewasasortoffurlikethatuponthetailofahorse。Withgreatlaboritslooseskinwasremoved，whereuponitsbodywasdiscoveredtobeofapolishedwhitetexture，thoroughlypetrified。Thestrawithadeaten，somanyagesgoneby，wasstillinitsbody，undigested——andeveninitslegs。
“Surroundingthesefossilswereobjectsthatwouldmeannothingtotheignorant，buttotheeyeofsciencetheywerearevelation。Theylaidbarethesecretsofdeadages。ThesemustyMemorialstolduswhenManlived，andwhatwerehishabits。Forhere，sidebysidewithMan，weretheevidencesthathehadlivedintheearliestagesofcreation，thecompanionoftheotherlowordersoflifethatbelongedtothatforgottentime。Herewasthefossilnautilusthatsailedtheprimevalseas;herewastheskeletonofthemastodon，theichthyosaurus，thecave-bear，theprodigiouselk。Here，also，werethecharredbonesofsomeoftheseextinctanimalsandoftheyoungofMan’sownspecies，splitlengthwise，showingthattohistastethemarrowwasatoothsomeluxury。ItwasplainthatManhadrobbedthosebonesoftheircontents，sincenotooth-
markofanybeastwasuponthemalbeittheTumble-Bugintrudedtheremarkthat’nobeastcouldmarkabonewithitsteeth，anyway。’，HerewereproofsthatManhadvague，grovelingnotionsofart;forthisfactwasconveyedbycertainthingsmarkedwiththeuntranslatablewords，’FLINT
HATCHETS，KNIVES，ARROW——HEADS，ANDBONEORNAMENTSOFPRIMEVALMAN。’
Someoftheseseemedtoberudeweaponschippedoutofflint，andinasecretplacewasfoundsomemoreinprocessofconstruction，withthisuntranslatablelegend，onathin，flimsymaterial，lyingby：
“’Jones，ifyoudon’twanttobedischargedfromtheMusseum，makethenextprimeavealwepponsmorecareful——youcouldn’tevenfooloneofthesesleepyoldsyentificgrannysfromtheColedgewiththelastones。AndmindyoutheanimlesyoucarvedonsomeoftheBoneOrnamentsisablamesighttoogoodforanyprimeavealmanthatwaseverfooled——Varnum，Manager。’
“Backoftheburialplacewasamassofashes，showingthatManalwayshadafeastatafuneral——elsewhytheashesinsuchaplace;andshowing，also，thathebelievedinGodandtheimmortalityofthesoil——elsewhythesesolemnceremonies？
“To，sumup。WebelievethatManhadawrittenlanguage。Weknowthatheindeedexistedatonetime，andisnotamyth;also，thathewasthecompanionofthecave-bear，themastodon，andotherextinctspecies;thathecookedandatethemandlikewisetheyoungofhisownkind;also，thatheborerudeweapons，andknewsomethingofart;thatheimaginedhehadasoul，andpleasedhimselfwiththefancythatitwasimmortal。Butletusnotlaugh;theremaybecreaturesinexistencetowhomweandourvanitiesandprofunditiesmayseemasludicrous。”
ENDOFPARTSECOND
SOMELEARNEDFABLESFORGOODOLDBOYSANDGIRLS
PARTTHIRD
Nearthemarginofthegreatriverthescientistspresentlyfoundahuge，shapelystone，withthisinscription：
“In1847，inthespring，theriveroverfloweditsbanksandcoveredthewholetownship。Thedepthwasfromtwotosixfeet。Morethan900headofcattlewerelost，andmanyhomesdestroyed。TheMayororderedthismemorialtobeerectedtoperpetuatetheevent。Godspareustherepetitionofit！”
Withinfinitetrouble，ProfessorWoodlousesucceededinmakingatranslationofthisinscription，whichwassenthome，andstraightwayanenormousexcitementwascreatedaboutit。Itconfirmed，inaremarkableway，certaintreasuredtraditionsoftheancients。Thetranslationwasslightlymarredbyoneortwountranslatablewords，butthesedidnotimpairthegeneralclearnessofthemeaning。Itisherepresented：
“Onethousandeighthundredandforty-sevenyearsago，the(fires？)
descendedandconsumedthewholecity。Onlysomeninehundredsoulsweresaved，allothersdestroyed。The(king？)commandedthisstonetobesetupto……(untranslatable)……preventtherepetitionofit。”
Thiswasthefirstsuccessfulandsatisfactorytranslationthathadbeenmadeofthemysteriouscharacterletbehindhimbyextinctman，anditgaveProfessorWoodlousesuchreputationthatatonceeveryseatoflearninginhisnativelandconferredadegreeofthemostillustriousgradeuponhim，anditwasbelievedthatifhehadbeenasoldierandhadturnedhissplendidtalentstotheexterminationofaremotetribeofreptiles，thekingwouldhaveennobledhimandmadehimrich。Andthis，too，wastheoriginofthatschoolofscientistscalledManologists，whosespecialtyisthedecipheringoftheancientrecordsoftheextinctbirdtermedMan。[ForitisnowdecidedthatManwasabirdandnotareptile。]，ButProfessorWoodlousebeganandremainedchiefofthese，foritwasgrantedthatnotranslationswereeversofreefromerrorashis。
Othersmademistakesheseemedincapableofit。Manyamemorialofthelostracewasafterwardfound，butnoneeverattainedtotherenownandvenerationachievedbythe“MayoritishStone“itbeingsocalledfromtheword“Mayor“init，which，beingtranslated“King，““MayoritishStone“
wasbutanotherwayofsaying“KingStone。”
Anothertimetheexpeditionmadeagreat“find。”，Itwasavastroundflattishmass，tenfrog-spansindiameterandfiveorsixhigh。
ProfessorSnailputonhisspectaclesandexamineditallaround，andthenclimbedupandinspectedthetop。Hesaid：
“TheresultofmyperlustrationandperscontationofthisisoperimetricalprotuberanceisabeliefatitisoneofthoserareandwonderfulcreationleftbytheMoundBuilders。Thefactthatthisoneislamellibranchiateinitsformation，simplyaddstoitsinterestasbeingpossiblyofadifferentkindfromanywereadofintherecordsofscience，butyetinnomannermarringitsauthenticity。LetthemegalophonousgrasshoppersoundablastandsummonhithertheperfunctoryandcircumforaneousTumble-Bug，totheendthatexcavationsmaybemadeandlearninggathernewtreasures。”
NotaTumble-Bugcouldbefoundonduty，sotheMoundwasexcavatedbyaworkingpartyofAnts。Nothingwasdiscovered。Thiswouldhavebeenagreatdisappointment，hadnotthevenerableLonglegsexplainedthematter。Hesaid：
“ItisnowplaintomethatthemysteriousandforgottenraceofMoundBuildersdidnotalwayserecttheseedificesasmausoleums，elseinthiscase，asinallpreviouscases，theirskeletonswouldbefoundhere，alongwiththerudeimplementswhichthecreaturesusedinlife。Isnotthismanifest？”
“True！true！”fromeverybody。
“Thenwehavemadeadiscoveryofpeculiarvaluehere;adiscoverywhichgreatlyextendsourknowledgeofthiscreatureinplaceofdiminishingit;adiscoverywhichwilladdlustertotheachievementsofthisexpeditionandwinforusthecommendationsofscholarseverywhere。
Fortheabsenceofthecustomaryrelicsheremeansnothinglessthanthis：TheMoundBuilder，insteadofbeingtheignorant，savagereptilewehavebeentaughttoconsiderhim，wasacreatureofcultivationandhighintelligence，capableofnotonlyappreciatingworthyachievementsofthegreatandnobleofhisspecies，butofcommemoratingthem！，Fellow-
scholars，thisstatelyMoundisnotasepulcher，itisamonument！”
Aprofoundimpressionwasproducedbythis。
Butitwasinterruptedbyrudeandderisivelaughter——andtheTumble-Bugappeared。
“Amonument！”quothhe。”AmonumentsetupbyaMoundBuilder！，Aye，soitis！，Soitis，indeed，totheshrewdkeeneyeofscience;buttoan，ignorantpoordevilwhohasneverseenacollege，itisnotaMonument，strictlyspeaking，butisyetamostrichandnobleproperty;andwithyourworship’sgoodpermissionIwillproceedtomanufactureitintospheresofexceedingsgraceand——“
TheTumble-Bugwasdrivenawaywithstripes，andthedraftsmenoftheexpeditionweresettomakingviewsoftheMonumentfromdifferentstandpoints，whileProfessorWoodlouse，inafrenzyofscientificzeal，traveledalloveritandallaroundithopingtofindaninscription。
Butiftherehadeverbeenone，ithaddecayedorbeenremovedbysomevandalasarelic。
Theviewshavingbeencompleted，itwasnowconsideredsafetoloadthepreciousMonumentitselfuponthebacksoffourofthelargestTortoisesandsendithometotheking’smuseum，whichwasdone;andwhenitarriveditwasreceivedwithenormousMatandescortedtoitsfutureabiding-placebythousandsofenthusiasticcitizens，KingBullfrogXVI。
himselfattendingandcondescendingtositenthroneduponitthroughouttheprogress。
Thegrowingrigoroftheweatherwasnowadmonishingthescientiststoclosetheirlaborsforthepresent，sotheymadepreparationstojourneyhomeward。ButeventheirlastdayamongtheCavernsborefruit;foroneofthescholarsfoundinanout-of-the-waycorneroftheMuseumor“BurialPlace“amoststrangeandextraordinarything。ItwasnothinglessthanadoubleMan-Birdlashedtogetherbreasttobreastbyanaturalligament，andlabeledwiththeuntranslatablewords，“SiameseTwins。”
Theofficialreportconcerningthisthingclosedthus：
“Whereforeitappearsthattherewereinoldtimestwodistinctspeciesofthismajesticfowl，theonebeingsingleandtheotherdouble。Naturehasareasonforallthings。ItisplaintotheeyeofsciencethattheDouble-Manoriginallyinhabitedaregionwheredangersabounded;hencehewaspairedtogethertotheendthatwhileonepartslepttheothermightwatch;andlikewisethat，dangerbeingdiscovered，theremightalwaysbeadoubleinsteadofasinglepowertoopposeit。Allhonortothemystery-dispellingeyeofgodlikeScience！”
AndneartheDoubleMan-Birdwasfoundwhatwasplainlyanancientrecordofhis，markeduponnumberlesssheetsofathinwhitesubstanceandboundtogether。AlmostthefirstglancethatProfessorWoodlousethrewintoitrevealedthisfollowingsentence，whichheinstantlytranslatedandlaidbeforethescientists，inatremble，anditupliftedeverysoultherewithexultationandastonishment：
“Intruthitisbelievedbymanythattheloweranimalsreasonandtalktogether。”
Whenthegreatofficialreportoftheexpeditionappeared，theabovesentenceborethiscomment：
“ThenthereareloweranimalsthanMan！，Thisremarkablepassagecanmeannothingelse。Manhimselfisextinct，buttheymaystillexist。Whatcantheybe？，Wheredotheyinhabit？，One’senthusiasmburstsallboundsinthecontemplationofthebrilliantfieldofdiscoveryandinvestigationherethrownopentoscience。WecloseourlaborswiththehumbleprayerthatyourMajestywillimmediatelyappointacommissionandcommandittorestnotnorspareexpenseuntilthesearchforthishithertounsuspectedraceofthecreaturesofGodshallbecrownedwithsuccess。”
Theexpeditionthenjourneyedhomewardafteritslongabsenceanditsfaithfulendeavors，andwasreceivedwithamightyovationbythewholegratefulcountry。Therewerevulgar，ignorantcarpers，ofcourse，astherealwaysareandalwayswillbe;andnaturallyoneofthesewastheobsceneTumble-Bug。Hesaidthatallhehadlearnedbyhistravelswasthatscienceonlyneededaspoonfulofsuppositiontobuildamountainofdemonstratedfactoutof;andthatforthefuturehemeanttobecontentwiththeknowledgethatnaturehadmadefreetoallcreaturesandnotgopryingintotheaugustsecretsoftheDeity。
MYLATESENATORIALSECRETARYSHIP——[Writtenabout1867。]
IamnotaprivatesecretarytoasenatoranymoreInow。Iheldtheberthtwomonthsinsecurityandingreatcheerfulnessofspirit，butmybreadbegantoreturnfromoverthewatersthen——thatistosay，myworkscamebackandrevealedthemselves。Ijudgeditbesttoresign。Thewayofitwasthis。Myemployersentformeonemorningtolerablyearly，and，assoonasIhadfinishedinsertingsomeconundrumsclandestinelyintohislastgreatspeechuponfinance，Ienteredthepresence。Therewassomethingportentousinhisappearance。Hiscravatwasuntied，hishairwasinastateofdisorder，andhiscountenanceboreaboutitthesignsofasuppressedstorm。Heheldapackageoflettersinhistensegrasp，andIknewthatthedreadedPacificmailwasin。Hesaid：
“Ithoughtyouwereworthyofconfidence。”
Isaid，“Yes，sir。”
Hesaid，“IgaveyoualetterfromcertainofmyconstituentsintheStateofNevada，askingtheestablishmentofapost-officeatBaldwin’sRanch，andtoldyoutoanswerit，asingeniouslyasyoucould，withargumentswhichshouldpersuadethemthattherewasnorealnecessityforasofficeatthatplace。
Ifelteasier。”Oh，ifthatisall，sir，Ididdothat。”
“Yes，youdid。Iwillreadyouranswerforyourownhumiliation：
WASHINGTON，Nov。24
“Messrs。Smith，Jones，andothers。
“’GENTLEMEN：，Whatthemischiefdoyousupposeyouwantwithapost-officeatBaldwin’sRanch？，Itwouldnotdoyouanygood。
Ifanyletterscamethere，youcouldn’treadthem，youknow;and，besides，suchlettersasoughttopassthrough，withmoneyinthem，forotherlocalities，wouldnotbelikelytogetthrough，youmustperceiveatonce;andthatwouldmaketroubleforusall。No，don’tbotheraboutapost-officeinyourcamp。Ihaveyourbestinterestsatheart，andfeelthatitwouldonlybeanornamentalfolly。Whatyouwantisanicejail，youknow——anice，substantialjailandafreeschool。Thesewillbealastingbenefittoyou。Thesewillmakeyoureallycontentedandhappy。Iwillmoveinthematteratonce。
“’Verytruly，etc。MarkTwain，“’ForJamesW。N——，U。S。Senator。’
“Thatisthewayyouansweredthatletter。Thosepeoplesaytheywillhangme，ifIeverenterthatdistrictagain;andIamperfectlysatisfiedtheywill，too。”
“Well，sir，IdidnotknowIwasdoinganyharm。Ionlywantedtoconvincethem。”
“Ah。Well，youdidconvincethem，Imakenomannerofdoubt。Now，hereisanotherspecimen。IgaveyouapetitionfromcertaingentlemenofNevada，prayingthatIwouldgetabillthroughCongressincorporatingtheMethodistEpiscopalChurchoftheStateofNevada。Itoldyoutosay，inreply，thatthecreationofsuchalawcamemoreproperlywithintheprovinceofthestatelegislature;andtoendeavortoshowthemthat，inthepresentfeeblenessofthereligiouselementinthatnewcommonwealth，theexpediencyofincorporatingthechurchwasquestionable。Whatdidyouwrite？
“’WASHINGTON，Nov。24。
“’Rev。JohnHalifaxandothers。
“’GENTLEMEN：Youwillhavetogotothestatelegislatureaboutthatspeculationofyours——Congressdon’tknowanythingaboutreligion。
Butdon’tyouhurrytogothere，either;becausethisthingyouproposetodooutinthatnewcountryisn’texpedient——infact，itisridiculous。Yourreligiouspeopletherearetoofeeble，inintellect，inmorality，inpietyineverything，prettymuch。Youhadbetterdropthis——youcan’tmakeitwork。Youcan’tissuestockonanincorporationlikethat——orifyoucould，itwouldonlykeepyouintroubleallthetime。Theotherdenominationswouldabuseit，and“bear“it，and“sellitshort，“andbreakitdown。Theywoulddowithitjustastheywouldwithoneofyoursilver-minesoutthere——theywouldtrytomakealltheworldbelieveitwas“wildcat。”，Yououghtnottodoanythingthatiscalculatedtobringasacredthingintodisrepute。YououghttobeashamedofyourselvesthatiswhatIthinkaboutit。Youcloseyourpetitionwiththewords：“Andwewilleverpray。”，Ithinkyouhadbetteryouneedtodoit。
“’Verytruly，etc。“’MARKTWAIN，“’ForJamesW。N——，U。S。Senator。’
“Thatluminousepistlefinishesmewiththereligiouselementamongmyconstituents。Butthatmypoliticalmurdermightbemadesure，someevilinstinctpromptedmetohandyouthismemorialfromthegravecompanyofelderscomposingtheboardofaldermenofthecityofSanFrancisco，totryyourhandupona，memorialprayingthatthecity’srighttothewater-lotsuponthecityfrontmightbeestablishedbylawofCongress。
Itoldyouthiswasadangerousmattertomovein。Itoldyoutowriteanon-committallettertothealdermen——anambiguousletter——aletterthatshouldavoid，asfaraspossible，allrealconsiderationanddiscussionofthewater-lotquestion。Ifthereisanyfeelingleftinyou——anyshame——surelythisletteryouwrote，inobediencetothatorder，oughttoevokeit，whenitswordsfalluponyourears：
WASHINGTON，Nov。27
“’TheHonorableBoardofAldermen，etc。
“’GENTLEMEN：GeorgeWashington，thereveredFatherofhisCountry，isdead。Hislongandbrilliantcareerisclosed，alas！forever。
Hewasgreatlyrespectedinthissectionofthecountry，andhisuntimelydeceasecastagloomoverthewholecommunity。Hediedonthe14thdayofDecember，1799。Hepassedpeacefullyawayfromthesceneofhishonorsandhisgreatachievements，themostlamentedheroandthebestbelovedthateverearthhathyieldeduntoDeath。
Atsuchatimeasthis，youspeakofwater-lots！whatalotwashis！
“’Whatisfame！，Fameisanaccident。SirIsaacNewtondiscoveredanapplefallingtotheground——atrivialdiscovery，truly，andonewhichamillionmenhadmadebeforehim——buthisparentswereinfluential，andsotheytorturedthatsmallcircumstanceintosomethingwonderful，and，lo！thesimpleworldtookuptheshoutand，inalmostthetwinklingofaneye，thatmanwasfamous。
Treasurethesethoughts。
“’Poesy，sweetpoesy，whoshallestimatewhattheworldowestothee！
“Maryhadalittlelamb，itsfleecewaswhiteassnow——
AndeverywherethatMarywent，thelambwassuretogo。”
“JackandGillwentupthehillTodrawapailofwater;
Jackfelldownandbrokehiscrown，AndGillcametumblingafter。”
“’Forsimplicity，eleganceofdiction，andfreedomfromimmoraltendencies，Iregardthosetwopoemsinthelightofgems。Theyaresuitedtoallgradesofintelligence，toeverysphereoflife——tothefield，tothenursery，totheguild。EspeciallyshouldnoBoardofAldermenbewithoutthem。
“’Venerablefossils！writeagain。Nothingimprovesonesomuchasfriendlycorrespondence。Writeagain——andifthereisanythinginthismemorialofyoursthatreferstoanythinginparticular，donotbebackwardaboutexplainingit。Weshallalwaysbehappytohearyouchirp。
“’Verytruly，etc。“’MARKTWAIN，“’ForJamesW。N——，U。S。Senator。’
“Thatisanatrocious，aruinousepistle！，Distraction！”
“Well，sir，Iamreallysorryifthereisanythingwrongaboutit——but——butitappearstometododgethewater-lotquestion。”
“Dodgethemischief！，Oh！——butnevermind。Aslongasdestructionmustcomenow，letitbecomplete。Letitbecomplete——letthislastofyourperformances，whichIamabouttoread，makeafinalityofit。Iamaruinedman。IhadmymisgivingswhenIgaveyoutheletterfromHumboldt，askingthatthepostroutefromIndianGulchtoShakespeareGapandintermediatepointsbechangedpartlytotheoldMormontrail。ButI
toldyouitwasadelicatequestion，andwarnedyoutodealwithitdeftly——toansweritdubiously，andleavethemalittleinthedark。
Andyourfatalimbecilityimpelledyoutomakethisdisastrousreply。
Ishouldthinkyouwouldstopyourears，ifyouarenotdeadtoallshame：
“’WASHINGTON，Nov。30。
“’Messes。Perkins，Wagner，etat。
“’GENTLEMEN：ItisadelicatequestionaboutthisIndiantrail，but，handledwithproperdeftnessanddubiousness，Idoubtnotweshallsucceedinsomemeasureorotherwise，becausetheplacewheretherouteleavestheLassenMeadows，overbeyondwherethosetwoShawneechiefs，DilapidatedVengeanceandBiter-of-the-Clouds，werescalpedlastwinter，thisbeingthefavoritedirectiontosome，butotherspreferringsomethingelseinconsequenceofthings，theMormontrailleavingMosby’satthreeinthemorning，andpassingthroughJawboneFlattoBlucher，andthendownbyJug-Handle，theroadpassingtotherightofit，andnaturallyleavingitontheright，too，andDawson’sontheleftofthetrailwhereitpassestotheleftofsaidDawson’sandonwardthencetoTomahawk，thusmakingtheroutecheaper，easierofaccesstoallwhocangetatit，andcompassingallthedesirableobjectssoconsideredbyothers，and，therefore，conferringthemostgooduponthegreatestnumber，and，consequently，Iamencouragedtohopeweshall。However，Ishallbeready，andhappy，toaffordyoustillfurtherinformationuponthesubject，fromtimetotime，asyoumaydesireitandthePost-officeDepartmentbeenabledtofurnishittome。
“’Verytruly，etc。“’MARKTWAIN，“’ForJamesW。N——，U。S。Senator。’
“There——nowwhatdoyouthinkofthat？”
“Well，Idon’tknow，sir。It——well，itappearstome——tobedubiousenough。”
“Du——leavethehouse！，Iamaruinedman。ThoseHumboldtsavagesneverwillforgivemefortanglingtheirbrainsupwiththisinhumanletter。
IhavelosttherespectoftheMethodistChurch，theboardofaldermen——“
“Well，Ihaven’tanythingtosayaboutthat，becauseImayhavemisseditalittleintheircases，butIwastoomanyfortheBaldwin’sRanchpeople，General！”
“Leavethehouse！，Leaveitforeverandforever，too。”
Iregardedthatasasortofcovertintimationthatmyservicecouldbedispensedwith，andsoIresigned。Ineverwillbeaprivatesecretarytoasenatoragain。Youcan’tpleasethatkindofpeople。Theydon’tknowanything。Theycan’tappreciateaparty’sefforts。
AFASHIONITEM——[Writtenabout1867。]
AtGeneralG——’sreceptiontheothernight，themostfashionablydressedladywasMrs。G。C。Sheworeapinksatindress，plaininfrontbutwithagooddealofraketoit——tothetrain，Imean;itwassaidtobetwoorthreeyardslong。Onecouldseeitcreepingalongthefloorsomelittletimeafterthewomanwasgone。Mrs。C。worealsoawhitebodice，cutbias，withPompadoursleeves，flouncedwithruches;lowneck，withtheinsidehandkerchiefnotvisible，withwhitekidgloves。Shehadonapearlnecklace，whichglintedlonely，highupthemidstofthatbarrenwasteofneckandshoulders。Herhairwasfrizzledintoatangledchaparral，forwardofherears，aftitwasdrawntogether，andcompactlyboundandplaitedintoastumplikeapony’stail，andfurthermorewascantedupwardatasharpangle，andingeniouslysupportedbyaredvelvetcrupper，whoseforwardextremitywasmadefastwithahalf-hitcharoundahairpinonthetopofherhead。Herwholetophamperwasneatandbecoming。Shehadabeautifulcomplexionwhenshefirstcame，butitfadedoutbydegreesinanunaccountableway。However，itisnotlostforgood。Ifoundthemostofitonmyshoulderafterward。(Istoodnearthedoorwhenshesqueezedoutwiththethrong。)，Therewereotherladiespresent，butIonlytooknotesofoneasaspecimen。IwouldgladlyenlargeuponthesubjectwereIabletodoitjustice。
RILEY-NEWSPAPERCORRESPONDENT
OneofthebestmeninWashington——orelsewhere——isRILEY，correspondentofoneofthegreatSanFranciscodailies。
Rileyisfullofhumor，andhasanunfailingveinofirony，whichmakeshisconversationtothelastdegreeentertaining(aslongastheremarksareaboutsomebodyelse)。Butnotwithstandingthepossessionofthesequalities，whichshouldenableamantowriteahappyandanappetizingletter，Riley’snewspaperlettersoftendisplayamorethanearthlysolemnity，andlikewiseanunimaginativedevotiontopetrifiedfacts，whichsurpriseanddistressallmenwhoknowhiminhisunofficialcharacter。HeexplainsthiscuriousthingbysayingthathisemployerssenthimtoWashingtontowritefacts，notfancy，andthatseveraltimeshehascomenearlosinghissituationbyinsertinghumorousremarkswhich，notbeinglookedforatheadquarters，andconsequentlynotunderstood，werethoughttobedarkandbloodyspeechesintendedtoconveysignalsandwarningstomurderoussecretsocieties，orsomethingofthatkind，andsowerescratchedoutwithashiverandaprayerandcastintothestove。Rileysaysthatsometimesheissoafflictedwithayearningtowriteasparklingandabsorbinglyreadableletterthathesimplycannotresistit，andsohegoestohisdenandrevelsinthedelightofuntrammeledscribbling;andthen，withsufferingsuchasonlyamothercanknow，hedestroystheprettychildrenofhisfancyandreduceshislettertotherequireddismalaccuracy。HavingseenRileydothisverythingmorethanonce，IknowwhereofIspeak。OftenIhavelaughedwithhimoverahappypassage，andgrievedtoseehimplowhispenthroughit。Hewouldsay，“Ihadtowritethatordie;andI’vegottoscratchitoutorstarve。Theywouldn’tstandit，youknow。”
IthinkRileyisaboutthemostentertainingcompanyIeversaw。WelodgedtogetherinmanyplacesinWashingtonduringthewinterof’67-8，movingcomfortablyfromplacetoplace，andattractingattentionbypayingourboard——acoursewhichcannotfailtomakeapersonconspicuousinWashington。RileywouldtellallabouthistriptoCaliforniaintheearlydays，bywayoftheIsthmusandtheSanJuanRiver;andabouthisbakingbreadinSanFranciscotogainaliving，andsettinguptenpins，andpractisinglaw，andopeningoysters，anddeliveringlectures，andteachingFrench，andtendingbar，andreportingforthenewspapers，andkeepingdancing-schools，andinterpretingChineseinthecourts——whichlatterwaslucrative，andRileywasdoinghandsomelyandlayingupalittlemoneywhenpeoplebegantofindfaultbecausehistranslationsweretoo“free，“athingforwhichRileyconsideredheoughtnottobeheldresponsible，sincehedidnotknowawordoftheChinesetongue，andonlyadoptedinterpretingasameansofgaininganhonestlivelihood。
Throughthemachinationsofenemieshewasremovedfromthepositionofofficialinterpreter，andamanputinhisplacewhowasfamiliarwiththeChineselanguage，butdidnotknowanyEnglish。AndRileyusedtotellaboutpublishinganewspaperupinwhatisAlaskanow，butwasonlyanicebergthen，withapopulationcomposedofbears，walruses，Indians，andotheranimals;andhowtheiceberggotadriftatlast，andleftallhispayingsubscribersbehind，andassoonasthecommonwealthfloatedoutofthejurisdictionofRussiathepeopleroseandthrewofftheirallegianceandranuptheEnglishflag，calculatingtohookonandbecomeanEnglishcolonyastheydriftedalongdowntheBritishPossessions;butalandbreezeandacrookedcurrentcarriedthemby，andtheyranuptheStarsandStripesandsteeredforCalifornia，missedtheconnectionagainandsworeallegiancetoMexico，butitwasn’tanyuse;theanchorscamehomeeverytime，andawaytheywentwiththenortheasttradesdriftingoffsidewaystowardtheSandwichIslands，whereupontheyranuptheCannibalflagandhadagrandhumanbarbecueinhonorofit，inwhichitwasnoticedthatthebetteramanlikedafriendthebetterheenjoyedhim;andassoonastheygotfairlywithinthetropicstheweathergotsofearfullyhotthattheicebergbegantomelt，anditgotsosloppyunderfootthatitwasalmostimpossibleforladiestogetaboutatall;andatlast，justastheycameinsightoftheislands，themelancholyremnantoftheoncemajesticicebergcantedfirsttoonesideandthentotheother，andthenplungedunderforever，carryingthenationalarchivesalongwithit——andnotonlythearchivesandthepopulace，butsomeeligibletownlotswhichhadincreasedinvalueasfastastheydiminishedinsizeinthetropics，andwhichRileycouldhavesoldatthirtycentsapoundandmadehimselfrichifhecouldhavekepttheprovinceafloattenhourslongerandgotherintoport。
Rileyisverymethodical，untiringlyaccommodating，neverforgetsanythingthatistobeattendedto，isagoodson，astanchfriend，andapermanentreliableenemy。Hewillputhimselftoanyamountoftroubletoobligeabody，andthereforealwayshashishandsfullofthingstobedoneforthehelplessandtheshiftless。Andheknowshowtodonearlyeverything，too。Heisamanwhosenativebenevolenceisawell-springthatnevergoesdry。Hestandsalwaysreadytohelpwhoeverneedshelp，asfarasheisable——andnotsimplywithhismoney，forthatisacheapandcommoncharity，butwithhandandbrain，andfatigueoflimbandsacrificeoftime。Thissortofmenisrare。
Rileyhasareadywit，aquicknessandaptnessatselectingandapplyingquotations，andacountenancethatisassolemnandasblankasthebacksideofatombstonewhenheisdeliveringaparticularlyexasperatingjoke。Onenightanegrowomanwasburnedtodeathinahousenextdoortous，andRileysaidthatourlandladywouldbeoppressivelyemotionalatbreakfast，becauseshegenerallymadeuseofsuchopportunitiesasoffered，beingofamorbidlysentimentalturn，andsoweshouldfinditbesttolethertalkalongandsaynothingback——itwastheonlywaytokeephertearsoutofthegravy。Rileysaidthereneverwasafuneralintheneighborhoodbutthatthegravywaswateryforaweek。
And，sureenough，atbreakfastthelandladywasdownintheverysloughsofwoe——entirelybrokenhearted。Everythingshelookedatremindedherofthatpooroldnegrowoman，andsothebuckwheatcakesmadehersob，thecoffeeforcedagroan，andwhenthebeefsteakcameonshefetchedawailthatmadeourhairrise。Thenshegottotalkingaboutdeceased，andkeptupasteadydrizzletillbothofusweresoakedthroughandthrough。
Presentlyshetookafreshbreathandsaid，withaworldofsobs：
“Ah，tothinkofit，onlytothinkofit！——thepooroldfaithfulcreature。Forshewassofaithful。Wouldyoubelieveit，shehadbeenaservantinthatselfsamehouseandthatselfsamefamilyfortwentysevenyearscomeChristmas，andneveracrosswordandneveralick！，And，oh，tothinksheshouldmeetsuchadeathatlast！——a-sittingovertheredhotstoveatthreeo’clockinthemorningandwenttosleepandfellonitandwasactuallyroasted！，Notjustfrizzledupabit，butliterallyroastedtoacrisp！，Poorfaithfulcreature，howshewascooked！，Iambutapoorwoman，butevenifIhavetoscrimptodoit，Iwillputupatombstoneoverthatlonesufferer’sgrave——andMr。Rileyifyouwouldhavethegoodnesstothinkupalittleepitaphtoputonitwhichwouldsortofdescribetheawfulwayinwhichshemether——“
“Putit，’Welldone，goodandfaithfulservant，’“saidRiley，andneversmiled。
AFINEOLDMAN
JohnWagner，theoldestmaninBuffalo——onehundredandfouryearsold——recentlywalkedamileandahalfintwoweeks。
Heisascheerfulandbrightasanyoftheseotheroldmenthatchargearoundsopersistentlyandtiresomelyinthenewspapers，andineverywayasremarkable。
LastNovemberhewalkedfiveblocksinarainstorm，withoutanyshelterbutanumbrella，andcasthisvoteforGrant，remarkingthathehadvotedforforty-sevenpresidents——whichwasalie。
His“secondcrop“ofrichbrownhairarrivedfromNewYorkyesterday，andhehasanewsetofteethcomingfromPhiladelphia。
Heistobemarriednextweektoagirlonehundredandtwoyearsold，whostilltakesinwashing。
Theyhavebeenengagedeightyyears，buttheirparentspersistentlyrefusedtheirconsentuntilthreedaysago。
JohnWagneristwoyearsolderthantheRhodeIslandveteran，andyethasnevertastedadropofliquorinhislife——unless-unlessyoucountwhisky。
SCIENCEV。S。LUCK——[Writtenabout1867。]
Atthattime，inKentucky(saidtheHon。Mr。K——);thelawwasverystrictagainstwhatistermed“gamesofchance。”，Aboutadozenoftheboysweredetectedplaying“sevenup“or“oldsledge“formoney，andthegrandjuryfoundatruebillagainstthem。JimSturgiswasretainedtodefendthemwhenthecasecameup，ofcourse。Themorehestudiedoverthematter，andlookedintotheevidence，theplaineritwasthathemustloseacaseatlast——therewasnogettingaroundthatpainfulfact。
Thoseboyshadcertainlybeenbettingmoneyonagameofchance。EvenpublicsympathywasrousedinbehalfofSturgis。Peoplesaiditwasapitytoseehimmarhissuccessfulcareerwithabigprominentcaselikethis，whichmustgoagainsthim。
ButafterseveralrestlessnightsaninspiredideaflasheduponSturgis，andhesprangoutofbeddelighted。Hethoughthesawhiswaythrough。
Thenextdayhewhisperedaroundalittleamonghisclientsandafewfriends，andthenwhenthecasecameupincourtheacknowledgedtheseven-upandthebetting，and，ashissoledefense，hadtheastoundingeffronterytoputinthepleathatoldsledgewasnotagameofchance！
Therewasthebroadestsortofasmilealloverthefacesofthatsophisticatedaudience。Thejudgesmiledwiththerest。ButSturgismaintainedacountenancewhoseearnestnesswasevensevere。Theoppositecounseltriedtoridiculehimoutofhisposition，anddidnotsucceed。
Thejudgejestedinaponderousjudicialwayaboutthething，butdidnotmovehim。Thematterwasbecominggrave。Thejudgelostalittleofhispatience，andsaidthejokehadgonefarenough。JimSturgissaidheknewofnojokeinthematter——hisclientscouldnotbepunishedforindulginginwhatsomepeoplechosetoconsideragameofchanceuntilitwasproventhatitwasagameofchance。Judgeandcounselsaidthatwouldbeaneasymatter，andforthwithcalledDeaconsJob，Peters，Burke，andJohnson，andDominiesWirtandMiggles，totestify;andtheyunanimouslyandwithstrongfeelingputdownthelegalquibbleofSturgisbypronouncingthatoldsledgewasagameofchance。
“Whatdoyoucallitnow？”saidthejudge。
“Icallitagameofscience！”retortedSturgis;“andI’llproveit，too！”
Theysawhislittlegame。
Hebroughtinacloudofwitnesses，andproducedanoverwhelmingmassoftestimony，toshowthatoldsledgewasnotagameofchancebutagameofscience。
Insteadofbeingthesimplestcaseintheworld，ithadsomehowturnedouttobeanexcessivelyknottyone。Thejudgescratchedhisheadoveritawhile，andsaidtherewasnowayofcomingtoadetermination，becausejustasmanymencouldbebroughtintocourtwhowouldtestifyononesideascouldbefoundtotestifyontheother。Buthesaidhewaswillingtodothefairthingbyallparties，andwouldactuponanysuggestionMr。Sturgiswouldmakeforthesolutionofthedifficulty。
Mr。Sturgiswasonhisfeetinasecond。
“Impanelajuryofsixofeach，LuckversusScience。Givethemcandlesandacoupleofdecksofcards。Sendthemintothejury-room，andjustabidebytheresult！”
Therewasnodisputingthefairnessoftheproposition。Thefourdeaconsandthetwodominiesweresworninasthe“chance“jurymen，andsixinveterateoldseven-upprofessorswerechosentorepresentthe“science“
sideoftheissue。Theyretiredtothejury-room。
InabouttwohoursDeaconPeterssentintocourttoborrowthreedollarsfromafriend。[Sensation。]，InabouttwohoursmoreDominieMigglessentintocourttoborrowa“stake“fromafriend。[Sensation。]，Duringthenextthreeorfourhourstheotherdominieandtheotherdeaconssentintocourtforsmallloans。Andstillthepackedaudiencewaited，foritwasaprodigiousoccasioninBull’sCorners，andoneinwhicheveryfatherofafamilywasnecessarilyinterested。
Therestofthestorycanbetoldbriefly。Aboutdaylightthejurycamein，andDeaconJob，theforeman，readthefollowing：
VERDICT：
We，thejuryinthecaseoftheCommonwealthofKentuckyvs。JohnWheeleretal。havecarefullyconsideredthepointsofthecase，andtestedthemeritsoftheseveraltheoriesadvanced，anddoherebyunanimouslydecidethatthegamecommonlyknownasoldsledgeorseven-upiseminentlyagameofscienceandnotofchance。Indemonstrationwhereofitisherebyandhereinstated，iterated，reiterated，setforth，andmademanifestthat，duringtheentirenight，the“chance“menneverwonagameorturnedajack，althoughbothfeatswerecommonandfrequenttotheopposition;andfurthermore，insupportofthisourverdict，wecallattentiontothesignificantfactthatthe“chance“menareallbusted，andthe“science“menhavegotthemoney。Itisthedeliberateopinionofthisjury，thatthe“chance“theoryconcerningseven-upisaperniciousdoctrine，andcalculatedtoinflictuntoldsufferingandpecuniarylossuponanycommunitythattakesstockinit。
“Thatisthewaythatseven-upcametobesetapartandparticularizedinthestatute-booksofKentuckyasbeingagamenotofchancebutofscience，andthereforenotpunishableunderthelaw，“saidMr。K。
“Thatverdictisofrecord，andholdsgoodtothisday。”
THELATEBENJAMINFRANKLIN——[Writtenabout1870。]
[“Neverputofftillto-morrowwhatyoucandodayafterto-morrowjustaswell。”——B。F。]
ThispartywasoneofthosepersonswhomtheycallPhilosophers。Hewastwins，beingbornsimultaneouslyintwodifferenthousesinthecityofBoston。Thesehousesremainuntothisday，andhavesignsuponthemwordedinaccordancewiththefacts。Thesignsareconsideredwellenoughtohave，thoughnotnecessary，becausetheinhabitantspointoutthetwobirthplacestothestrangeranyhow，andsometimesasoftenasseveraltimesinthesameday。Thesubjectofthismemoirwasofaviciousdisposition，andearlyprostitutedhistalentstotheinventionofmaximsandaphorismscalculatedtoinflictsufferingupontherisinggenerationofallsubsequentages。Hissimplestacts，also，werecontrivedwithaviewtotheirbeingheldupfortheemulationofboysforever——boyswhomightotherwisehavebeenhappy。Itwasinthisspiritthathebecamethesonofasoap-boiler，andprobablyfornootherreasonthanthattheeffortsofallfutureboyswhotriedtobeanythingmightbelookeduponwithsuspicionunlesstheywerethesonsofsoap-boilers。
Withamalevolencewhichiswithoutparallelinhistory，hewouldworkallday，andthensitupnights，andletontobestudyingalgebrabythelightofasmolderingfire，sothatallotherboysmighthavetodothatalso，orelsehaveBenjaminFranklinthrownuptothem。Notsatisfiedwiththeseproceedings，hehadafashionoflivingwhollyonbreadandwater，andstudyingastronomyatmeal-time——athingwhichhasbroughtafflictiontomillionsofboyssince，whosefathershadreadFranklin’sperniciousbiography。
Hismaximswerefullofanimositytowardboys。NowadaysaboycannotfollowoutasinglenaturalinstinctwithouttumblingoversomeofthoseeverlastingaphorismsandhearingfromFranklin，onthespot。Ifhebuystwocents’worthofpeanuts，hisfathersays，“RememberwhatFranklinhassaid，myson——’Agroutaday’sapennyayear“’;andthecomfortisallgoneoutofthosepeanuts。Ifhewantstospinhistopwhenhehasdonework，hisfatherquotes，“Procrastinationisthethiefoftime。”，Ifhedoesavirtuousaction，henevergetsanythingforit，because“Virtueisitsownreward。”，Andthatboyishoundedtodeathandrobbedofhisnaturalrest，becauseFranklin，saidonce，inoneofhisinspiredflightsofmalignity：
EarlytobedandearlytoriseMakesamanhealthyandwealthyandwise。
Asifitwereanyobjecttoaboytobehealthyandwealthyandwiseonsuchterms。Thesorrowthatthatmaximhascostme，throughmyparents，experimentingonmewithit，tonguecannottell。Thelegitimateresultismypresentstateofgeneraldebility，indigence，andmentalaberration。
Myparentsusedtohavemeupbeforenineo’clockinthemorningsometimeswhenIwasaboy。IftheyhadletmetakemynaturalrestwherewouldIhavebeennow？，Keepingstore，nodoubt，andrespectedbyall。
Andwhatanadroitoldadventurerthesubjectofthismemoirwas！
InordertogetachancetoflyhiskiteonSundayheusedtohangakeyonthestringandletontobefishingforlightning。Andaguilelesspublicwouldgohomechirpingaboutthe“wisdom“andthe“genius“ofthehoarySabbath-breaker。Ifanybodycaughthimplaying“mumblepeg“byhimself，aftertheageofsixty，hewouldimmediatelyappeartobecipheringouthowthegrassgrew——asifitwasanyofhisbusiness。
Mygrandfatherknewhimwell，andhesaysFranklinwasalwaysfixed——alwaysready。Ifabody，duringhisoldage，happenedonhimunexpectedlywhenhewascatchingflies，ormakingmud-pies，orslidingonacellardoor，hewouldimmediatelylookwise，andripoutamaxim，andwalkoffwithhisnoseintheairandhiscapturnedwrongsidebefore，tryingtoappearabsent-mindedandeccentric。Hewasahardlot。
Heinventedastovethatwouldsmokeyourheadoffinfourhoursbytheclock。Onecanseethealmostdevilishsatisfactionhetookinitbyhisgivingithisname。
HewasalwaysproudoftellinghowheenteredPhiladelphiaforthefirsttime，withnothingintheworldbuttwoshillingsinhispocketandfourrollsofbreadunderhisarm。Butreally，whenyoucometoexamineitcritically，itwasnothing。Anybodycouldhavedoneit。
Tothesubjectofthismemoirbelongsthehonorofrecommendingthearmytogobacktobowsandarrowsinplaceofbayonetsandmuskets。
Heobserved，withhiscustomaryforce，thatthebayonetwasverywellundersomecircumstances，butthathedoubtedwhetheritcouldbeusedwithaccuracyatalongrange。
BenjaminFranklindidagreatmanynotablethingsforhiscountry，andmadeheryoungnametobehonoredinmanylandsasthemotherofsuchason。Itisnottheideaofthismemoirtoignorethatorcoveritup。
No;thesimpleideaofitistosnubthosepretentiousmaximsofhis，whichheworkedupwithagreatshowoforiginalityoutoftruismsthathadbecomewearisomeplatitudesasearlyasthedispersionfromBabel;
andalsotosnubhisstove，andhismilitaryinspirations，hisunseemlyendeavortomakehimselfconspicuouswhenheenteredPhiladelphia，andhisflyinghiskiteandfoolingawayhistimeinallsortsofsuchwayswhenheoughttohavebeenforagingforsoap-fat，orconstructingcandles。ImerelydesiredtodoawaywithsomewhatoftheprevalentcalamitousideaamongheadsoffamiliesthatFranklinacquiredhisgreatgeniusbyworkingfornothing，studyingbymoonlight，andgettingupinthenightinsteadofwaitingtillmorninglikeaChristian;andthatthisprogram，rigidlyinflicted，willmakeaFranklinofeveryfather’sfool。
Itistimethesegentlemenwerefindingoutthattheseexecrableeccentricitiesofinstinctandconductareonlytheevidencesofgenius，notthecreatorsofit。IwishIhadbeenthefatherofmyparentslongenoughtomakethemcomprehendthistruth，andthuspreparethemtolettheirsonhaveaneasiertimeofit。WhenIwasachildIhadtoboilsoap，notwithstandingmyfatherwaswealthy，andIhadtogetupearlyandstudygeometryatbreakfast，andpeddlemyownpoetry，anddoeverythingjustasFranklindid，inthesolemnhopethatIwouldbeaFranklinsomeday。AndhereIam。
MR。BLOKE’SITEM——[Writtenabout1865。]
Ouresteemedfriend，Mr。JohnWilliamBloke，ofVirginiaCity，walkedintotheofficewherewearesub-editoratalatehourlastnight，withanexpressionofprofoundandheartfeltsufferinguponhiscountenance，and，sighingheavily，laidthefollowingitemreverentlyuponthedesk，andwalkedslowlyoutagain。Hepausedamomentatthedoor，andseemedstrugglingtocommandhisfeelingssufficientlytoenablehimtospeak，andthen，noddinghisheadtowardhismanuscript，ejaculatedinabrokenvoice，“Friendofmine——oh！howsad！”andburstintotears。Weweresomovedathisdistressthatwedidnotthinktocallhimbackandendeavortocomforthimuntilhewasgone，anditwastoolate。Thepaperhadalreadygonetopress，butknowingthatourfriendwouldconsiderthepublicationofthisitemimportant，andcherishingthehopethattoprintitwouldaffordamelancholysatisfactiontohissorrowingheart，westopped，thepressatonceandinserteditinourcolumns：
DISTRESSINGACCIDENT——Lastevening，aboutsixo’clock，asMr。
WilliamSchuyler，anoldandrespectablecitizenofSouthPark，wasleavinghisresidencetogodown-town，ashasbeenhisusualcustomformanyyearswiththeexceptiononlyofashortintervalinthespringof1850，duringwhichhewasconfinedtohisbedbyinjuriesreceivedinattemptingtostoparunawayhorsebythoughtlesslyplacinghimselfdirectlyinitswakeandthrowinguphishandsandshouting，whichifhehaddonesoevenasinglemomentsooner，mustinevitablyhavefrightenedtheanimalstillmoreinsteadofcheckingitsspeed，althoughdisastrousenoughtohimselfasitwas，andrenderedmoremelancholyanddistressingbyreasonofthepresenceofhiswife’smother，whowasthereandsawthesadoccurrencenotwithstandingitisatleastlikely，thoughnotnecessarilyso，thatsheshouldbereconnoiteringinanotherdirectionwhenincidentsoccur，notbeingvivaciousandonthelookout，asageneralthing，buteventhereverse，asherownmotherissaidtohavestated，whoisnomore，butdiedinthefullhopeofagloriousresurrection，upwardsofthreeyearsago;agedeighty-six，beingaChristianwomanandwithoutguile，asitwere，orproperty，inconsequenceofthefireof1849，whichdestroyedeverysinglethingshehadintheworld。Butsuchislife。Letusalltakewarningbythissolemnoccurrence，andletusendeavorsotoconductourselvesthatwhenwecometodiewecandoit。Letusplaceourhandsuponourheart，andsaywithearnestnessandsinceritythatfromthisdayforthwewillbewareoftheintoxicatingbowl——’FirstEditionoftheCalifornian。’
Theheadeditorhasbeeninhereraisingthemischief，andtearinghishairandkickingthefurnitureabout，andabusingmelikeapickpocket。
HesaysthateverytimeheleavesmeinchargeofthepaperforhalfanhourIgetimposeduponbythefirstinfantorthefirstidiotthatcomesalong。AndhesaysthatthatdistressingitemofMr。Bloke’sisnothingbutalotofdistressingbash，andhasnopointtoit，andnosenseinit，andnoinformationinit，andthattherewasnosortofnecessityforstoppingthepresstopublishit。