第6章

“Theysay，“beganIvanIvanovitch，“thatthreekingshavedeclaredwaragainstourTzar。”

“Yes，PeterFeodorovitchtoldmeso。Whatsortofwaristhis，andwhyisit？“

“Icannotsayexactly，IvanNikiforovitch，whatthecauseis。I

supposethekingswantustoadopttheTurkishfaith。”

“Fools！Theywouldhaveit，“saidIvanNikiforovitch，raisinghishead。

“So，yousee，ourTzarhasdeclaredwarontheminconsequence。”No”

sayshe，”doyouadoptthefaithofChrist！”“

“Oh，ourpeoplewillbeatthem，IvanIvanovitch！“

“Theywill。Soyouwon”texchangethegun，IvanNikiforovitch？“

“It”sastrangethingtome，IvanIvanovitch，thatyou，whoseemtobeamandistinguishedforsense，shouldtalksuchnonsense。WhatafoolIshouldbe！“

“Sitdown，sitdown。Godbewithit！letitburst！Iwon”tmentionitagain。”

Atthismomentlunchwasbroughtin。

IvanIvanovitchdrankaglassandateapiewithsourcream。“Listen，IvanNikiforovitch：Iwillgiveyou，besidesthesow，twosacksofoats。Youdidnotsowanyoats。You”llhavetobuysomethisyearinanycase。”

“ByHeaven，IvanIvanovitch，Imusttellyouyouareveryfoolish！Whoeverheardofswappingagunfortwosacksofoats？Neverfear，youdon”tofferyourcoat。”

“Butyouforget，IvanNikiforovitch，thatIamtogiveyouthesowtoo。”

“What！twosacksofoatsandasowforagun？“

“Why，isittoolittle？“

“Foragun？“

“Ofcourse，foragun。”

“Twosacksforagun？“

“Twosacks，notempty，butfilledwithoats；andyou”veforgottenthesow。”

“Kissyoursow；andifyoudon”tlikethat，thengototheEvilOne！“

“Oh，getangrynow，do！Seehere；they”llstickyourtonguefullofred-hotneedlesintheotherworldforsuchgodlesswords。Afteraconversationwithyou，onehastowashone”sfaceandhandsandfumigateone”sself。”

“Excuseme，IvanIvanovitch；mygunisachoicething，amostcuriousthing；andbesides，itisaveryagreeabledecorationinaroom。”

“Yougoonlikeafoolaboutthatgunofyours，IvanNikiforovitch，“

saidIvanIvanovitchwithvexation；forhewasbeginningtobereallyangry。

“Andyou，IvanIvanovitch，arearegulargoose！“

IfIvanNikiforovitchhadnotutteredthatwordtheywouldnothavequarrelled，butwouldhavepartedfriendsasusual；butnowthingstookquiteanotherturn。IvanIvanovitchflewintoarage。

“Whatwasthatyousaid，IvanNikiforovitch？“hesaid，raisinghisvoice。

“Isaidyouwerelikeagoose，IvanIvanovitch！“

“Howdareyou，sir，forgetfulofdecencyandtherespectduetoaman”srankandfamily，insulthimwithsuchadisgracefulname！“

“Whatistheredisgracefulaboutit？Andwhyareyouflourishingyourhandsso，IvanIvanovitch？“

“Howdaredyou，Irepeat，indisregardofalldecency，callmeagoose？“

“Ispitonyourhead，IvanIvanovitch！Whatareyouscreechingabout？“

IvanIvanovitchcouldnolongercontrolhimself。Hislipsquivered；

hismouthlostitsusualVshape，andbecameliketheletterO；heglaredsothathewasterribletolookat。ThisveryrarelyhappenedwithIvanIvanovitch：itwasnecessarythatheshouldbeextremelyangryatfirst。

“Then，Ideclaretoyou，“exclaimedIvanIvanovitch，“thatIwillnolongerknowyou！“

“Agreatpity！ByHeaven，Ishallneverweeponthataccount！“

retortedIvanNikiforovitch。Helied，byHeaven，helied！foritwasveryannoyingtohim。

“Iwillneverputmyfootinsideyourhousegain！“

“Oho，ho！“saidIvanNikiforovitch，vexed，yetnotknowinghimselfwhattodo，andrisingtohisfeet，contrarytohiscustom。“Hey，there，woman，boy！“Thereuponthereappearedatthedoorthesamefatwomanandthesmallboy，nowenvelopedinalongandwidecoat。“TakeIvanIvanovitchbythearmsandleadhimtothedoor！“

“What！anobleman？“shoutedIvanIvanovitchwithafeelingofvexationanddignity。“Justdoitifyoudare！Comeon！I”llannihilateyouandyourstupidmaster。Thecrowswon”tbeabletofindyourbones。”IvanIvanovitchspokewithuncommonforcewhenhisspiritwasup。

Thegrouppresentedastrikingpicture：IvanNikiforovitchstandinginthemiddleoftheroom；thewomanwithhermouthwideopenandasenseless，terrifiedlookonherface，andIvanIvanovitchwithupliftedhand，astheRomantribunesaredepicted。Thiswasamagnificentspectacle：andyettherewasbutonespectator；theboyintheamplecoat，whostoodquitequietlyandpickedhisnosewithhisfinger。

FinallyIvanIvanovitchtookhishat。“Youhavebehavedwell，IvanNikiforovitch，extremelywell！Ishallrememberit。”

“Go，IvanIvanovitch，go！andseethatyoudon”tcomeinmyway：ifyoudo，I”llbeatyouruglyfacetoajelly，IvanIvanovitch！“

“Takethat，IvanNikiforovitch！“retortedIvanIvanovitch，makinganinsultinggestureandbangedthedoor，whichsqueakedandflewopenagainbehindhim。

IvanNikiforovitchappearedatitandwantedtoaddsomethingmore；

butIvanIvanovitchdidnotglancebackandhastenedfromtheyard。

CHAPTERIII

WHATTOOKPLACEAFTERIVANIVANOVITCH”SQUARRELWITH

IVANNIKIFOROVITCH

Andthustworespectablemen，theprideandhonourofMirgorod，hadquarrelled，andaboutwhat？Aboutabitofnonsense——agoose。Theywouldnotseeeachother，brokeoffallconnection，thoughhithertotheyhadbeenknownasthemostinseparablefriends。EverydayIvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitchhadsenttoinquireabouteachother”shealth，andoftenconversedtogetherfromtheirbalconiesandsaidsuchcharmingthingsasdidtheheartgoodtolistento。OnSundays，IvanIvanovitch，inhislambskinpelisse，andIvanNikiforovitch，inhiscinnamon-colourednankeenspencer，usedtosetoutforchurchalmostarminarm；andifIvanIvanovitch，whohadremarkablysharpeyes，wasthefirsttocatchsightofapuddleoranydirtinthestreet，whichsometimeshappenedinMirgorod，healwayssaidtoIvanNikiforovitch，“Lookout！don”tputyourfootthere，it”sdirty。”IvanNikiforovitch，onhisside，exhibitedthesametouchingtokensoffriendship；andwheneverhechancedtobestanding，alwaysheldouthishandtoIvanIvanovitchwithhissnuff-box，saying：“Domethefavour！“Andwhatfinemanagersbothwere！——Andthesetwofriends！——WhenIheardofit，itstruckmelikeaflashoflightning。

ForalongtimeIwouldnotbelieveit。IvanIvanovitchquarrellingwithIvanNikiforovitch！Suchworthypeople！Whatistobedependedupon，then，inthisworld？

WhenIvanIvanovitchreachedhome，heremainedforsometimeinastateofstrongexcitement。Heusuallywent，firstofall，tothestabletoseewhetherhismarewaseatingherhay；forhehadabaymarewithawhitestaronherforehead，andaveryprettylittlemareshewastoo；thentofeedtheturkeysandthelittlepigswithhisownhand，andthentohisroom，whereheeithermadewoodendishes，forhecouldmakevariousvesselsofwoodverytastefully，quiteaswellasanyturner，orreadabookprintedbyLiubia，Garia，andPopoff(IvanIvanovitchcouldneverrememberthename，becausetheserving-maidhadlongbeforetornoffthetoppartofthetitle-pagewhileamusingthechildren)，orrestedonthebalcony。Butnowhedidnotbetakehimselftoanyofhisordinaryoccupations。Instead，onencounteringGapka，heatoncebegantoscoldherforloiteringaboutwithoutanyoccupation，thoughshewascarryinggroatstothekitchen；flungastickatacockwhichcameuponthebalconyforhiscustomarytreat；andwhenthedirtylittleboy，inhislittletornblouse，ranuptohimandshouted：“Papa，papa！givemeahoney-cake，“hethreatenedhimandstampedathimsofiercelythatthefrightenedchildfled，Godknowswhither。

Butatlasthebethoughthimself，andbegantobusyhimselfabouthisevery-dayduties。Hedinedlate，anditwasalmostnightwhenhelaydowntorestonthebalcony。Agoodbeet-soupwithpigeons，whichGapkahadcookedforhim，quitedrovefromhismindtheoccurrencesofthemorning。AgainIvanIvanovitchbegantogazeathisbelongingswithsatisfaction。Atlengthhiseyerestedontheneighbouringyard；

andhesaidtohimself，“IhavenotbeentoIvanNikiforovitch”sto-day：I”llgotherenow。”Sosaying，IvanIvanovitchtookhisstickandhishat，anddirectedhisstepstothestreet；butscarcelyhadhepassedthroughthegatethanherecollectedthequarrel，spit，andturnedback。AlmostthesamethinghappenedatIvanNikiforovitch”shouse。IvanIvanovitchsawthewomanputherfootonthefence，withtheintentionofclimbingoverintohisyard，whensuddenlyIvanNikiforovitch”svoicewasheardcrying：“Comeback！itwon”tdo！“ButIvanIvanovitchfounditverytiresome。ItisquitepossiblethattheseworthymenwouldhavemadetheirpeacenextdayifacertainoccurrenceinIvanNikiforovitch”shousehadnotdestroyedallhopesandpouredoiluponthefireofenmitywhichwasreadytodieout。

*

Ontheeveningofthatveryday，AgafyaFedosyevnaarrivedatIvanNikiforovitch”s。AgafyaFedosyevnawasnotIvanNikiforovitch”srelative，norhissister-in-law，norevenhisfellow-godparent。Thereseemedtobenoreasonwhysheshouldcometohim，andhewasnotparticularlygladofhercompany；still，shecame，andlivedonhimforweeksatatime，andevenlonger。Thenshetookpossessionofthekeysandtookthemanagementofthewholehouseintoherownhands。

ThiswasextremelydispleasingtoIvanNikiforovitch；buthe，tohisamazement，obeyedherlikeachild；andalthoughheoccasionallyattemptedtodispute，yetAgafyaFedosyevnaalwaysgotthebetterofhim。

ImustconfessthatIdonotunderstandwhythingsaresoarranged，thatwomenshouldseizeusbythenoseasdeftlyastheydothehandleofateapot。Eithertheirhandsaresoconstructedorelseournosesaregoodfornothingelse。AndnotwithstandingthefactthatIvanNikiforovitch”snosesomewhatresembledaplum，shegraspedthatnoseandledhimaboutafterherlikeadog。Heeven，inherpresence，involuntarilyalteredhisordinarymanneroflife。

AgafyaFedosyevnaworeacaponherhead，andacoffee-colouredcloakwithyellowflowersandhadthreewartsonhernose。Herfigurewaslikeacask，anditwouldhavebeenashardtotellwheretolookforherwaistasforhertoseehernosewithoutamirror。Herfeetweresmallandshapedliketwocushions。Shetalkedscandal，ateboiledbeet-soupinthemorning，andsworeextremely；andamidstallthesevariousoccupationshercountenanceneverforoneinstantchangeditsexpression，whichphenomenon，asarule，womenalonearecapableofdisplaying。

Assoonasshearrived，everythingwentwrong。

“IvanNikiforovitch，don”tyoumakepeacewithhim，noraskhisforgiveness；hewantstoruinyou；that”sthekindofmanheis！youdon”tknowhimyet！“Thatcursedwomanwhisperedandwhispered，andmanagedsothatIvanNikiforovitchwouldnotevenhearIvanIvanovitchmentioned。

Everythingassumedanotheraspect。Ifhisneighbour”sdogranintotheyard，itwasbeatenwithinaninchofitslife；thechildren，whoclimbedoverthefence，weresentbackwithhowls，theirlittleshirtsstrippedup，andmarksofaswitchbehind。Eventheoldwoman，whenIvanIvanovitchventuredtoaskheraboutsomething，didsomethingsoinsultingthatIvanIvanovitch，beinganextremelydelicateman，onlyspit，andmuttered，“Whatanastywoman！evenworsethanhermaster！“

Finally，asaclimaxtoalltheinsults，hishatedneighbourbuiltagoose-shedrightagainsthisfenceatthespotwheretheyusuallyclimbedover，asifwiththeexpressintentionofredoublingtheinsult。Thisshed，sohatefultoIvanIvanovitch，wasconstructedwithdiabolicalswiftness——inoneday。

ThisarousedwrathandadesireforrevengeinIvanIvanovitch。Heshowednosignsofbitterness，inspiteofthefactthattheshedencroachedonhisland；buthisheartbeatsoviolentlythatitwasextremelydifficultforhimtopreservehiscalmappearance。

Hepassedthedayinthismanner。Nightcame——Oh，ifIwereapainter，howmagnificentlyIwoulddepictthenight”scharms！IwoulddescribehowallMirgorodsleeps；howsteadilythemyriadsofstarsgazedownuponit；howtheapparentquietisfilledfarandnearwiththebarkingofdogs；howthelove-sicksacristanstealspastthem，andscalesthefencewithknightlyfearlessness；howthewhitewallsofthehouses，bathedinthemoonlight，growwhiterstill，theoverhangingtreesdarker；howtheshadowsofthetreesfallblacker，theflowersandthesilentgrassbecomemorefragrant，andthecrickets，unharmoniouscavaliersofthenight，strikeuptheirrattlingsonginfriendlyfashiononallsides。Iwoulddescribehow，inoneofthelittle，low-roofed，clayhouses，theblack-browedvillagemaid，tossingonherlonelycouch，dreamswithheavingbosomofsomehussar”sspursandmoustache，andhowthemoonlightsmilesuponhercheeks。Iwoulddescribehowtheblackshadowsofthebatsflitalongthewhiteroadbeforetheyalightuponthewhitechimneysofthecottages。

ButitwouldhardlybewithinmypowertodepictIvanIvanovitchashecreptoutthatnight，sawinhand；orthevariousemotionswrittenonhiscountenance！Quietly，mostquietly，hecrawledalongandclimbeduponthegoose-shed。IvanNikiforovitch”sdogsknewnothing，asyet，ofthequarrelbetweenthem；andsotheypermittedhim，asanoldfriend，toentertheshed，whichresteduponfouroakenposts。

Creepinguptothenearestpostheappliedhissawandbegantocut。

Thenoiseproducedbythesawcausedhimtoglanceabouthimeverymoment，buttherecollectionoftheinsultrestoredhiscourage。Thefirstpostwassawedthrough。IvanIvanovitchbeganuponthenext。Hiseyesburnedandhesawnothingforterror。

Allatonceheutteredanexclamationandbecamepetrifiedwithfear。

Aghostappearedtohim；buthespeedilyrecoveredhimselfonperceivingthatitwasagoose，thrustingitsneckoutathim。IvanIvanovitchspitwithvexationandproceededwithhiswork。Thesecondpostwassawedthrough；thebuildingtrembled。Hisheartbeatsoviolentlywhenhebeganonthethird，thathehadtostopseveraltimes。Thepostwasmorethanhalfsawedthroughwhenthefrailbuildingquiveredviolently。

IvanIvanovitchhadbarelytimetospringbackwhenitcamedownwithacrash。Seizinghissaw，heranhomeinthegreatestterrorandflunghimselfuponhisbed，withouthavingsufficientcouragetopeepfromthewindowattheconsequencesofhisterribledeed。ItseemedtohimasthoughIvanNikiforovitch”sentirehousehold——theoldwoman，IvanNikiforovitch，theboyintheendlesscoat，allwithsticks，andledbyAgafyaFedosyevna——werecomingtoteardownanddestroyhishouse。

IvanIvanovitchpassedthewholeofthefollowingdayinaperfectfever。Itseemedtohimthathisdetestedneighbourwouldsetfiretohishouseatleastinrevengeforthis；andsohegaveorderstoGapkatokeepaconstantlookout，everywhere，andseewhetherdrystrawwerelaidagainstitanywhere。Finally，inordertoforestallIvanNikiforovitch，hedeterminedtoenteracomplaintagainsthimbeforethedistrictjudgeofMirgorod。Inwhatitconsistedcanbelearnedfromthefollowingchapter。

CHAPTERIV

WHATTOOKPLACEBEFORETHEDISTRICTJUDGEOFMIRGOROD

AwonderfultownisMirgorod！Howmanybuildingsaretherewithstraw，rush，andevenwoodenroofs！Ontherightisastreet，ontheleftastreet，andfinefenceseverywhere。Overthemtwinehop-vines，uponthemhangpots；frombehindthemthesunflowersshowtheirsun-likeheads，poppiesblush，fatpumpkinspeep；allisluxuryitself！Thefenceisinvariablygarnishedwitharticleswhichrenderitstillmorepicturesque：woman”swidespreadundergarmentsofcheckedwoollenstuff，shirts，ortrousers。ThereisnosuchthingastheftorrascalityinMirgorod，soeverybodyhangsuponhisfencewhateverstrikeshisfancy。Ifyougoontothesquare，youwillsurelystopandadmiretheview：suchawonderfulpoolisthere！Thefinestyoueversaw。Itoccupiesnearlythewholeofthesquare。Atrulymagnificentpool！Thehousesandcottages，whichatadistancemightbemistakenforhayricks，standaroundit，lostinadmirationofitsbeauty。

ButIagreewiththosewhothinkthatthereisnobetterhousethanthatofthedistrictjudge。Whetheritisofoakorbirchisnothingtothepoint；butithas，mydearsirs，eightwindows！eightwindowsinarow，lookingdirectlyonthesquareanduponthatwateryexpansewhichIhavejustmentioned，andwhichthechiefofpolicecallsalake。Italoneispaintedthecolourofgranite。AlltheotherhousesinMirgorodaremerelywhitewashed。Itsroofisofwood，andwouldhavebeenevenpaintedred，hadnotthegovernmentclerkseatentheoilwhichhadbeenpreparedforthatpurpose，asithappenedduringafast；andsotheroofremainedunpainted。Towardsthesquareprojectsaporch，whichthechickensfrequentlyvisit，becausethatporchisnearlyalwaysstrewnwithgrainorsomethingedible，notintentionally，butthroughthecarelessnessofvisitors。

Thehouseisdividedintotwoparts：oneofwhichisthecourt-room；

theotherthejail。Inthehalfwhichcontainsthecourt-roomaretwoneat，whitewashedrooms，thefrontoneforclients，theotherhavingatableadornedwithink-spots，andwithalooking-glassuponit，andfouroakchairswithtallbacks；whilstalongthewallstandiron-boundchests，inwhicharepreservedbundlesofpapersrelatingtodistrictlaw-suits。Upononeofthechestsstoodatthattimeapairofboots，polishedwithwax。

Thecourthadbeenopensincemorning。Thejudge，aratherstoutman，thoughthinnerthanIvanNikiforovitch，withagood-naturedface，agreasydressing-gown，apipe，andacupoftea，wasconversingwiththeclerkofthecourt。

Thejudge”slipsweredirectlyunderhisnose，sothathecouldsnuffhisupperlipasmuchasheliked。Itservedhiminsteadofasnuff-box，forthesnuffintendedforhisnosealmostalwayslodgeduponit。Sothejudgewastalkingwiththeassistant。Abarefootedgirlstoodholdingatraywithcupsatoncesideofthem。Attheendofthetable，thesecretarywasreadingthedecisioninsomecase，butinsuchamournfulandmonotonousvoicethatthecondemnedmanhimselfwouldhavefallenasleepwhilelisteningtoit。Thejudge，nodoubt，wouldhavebeenthefirsttodosohadhenotenteredintoanengrossingconversationwhileitwasgoingon。

“Iexpresslytriedtofindout，“saidthejudge，sippinghisalreadycoldteafromthecup，“howtheymanagetosingsowell。Ihadasplendidthrushtwoyearsago。Well，allofasuddenhewascompletelydonefor，andbegantosing，Godknowswhat！Hegotworseandworseandworseandworseastimewenton；hebegantorattleandgethoarse——justgoodfornothing！Andthisishowithappened：alittlelump，notsobigasapea，hadcomeunderhisthroat。Itwasonlynecessarytoprickthatlittleswellingwithaneedle——ZacharProkofievitchtaughtmethat；and，ifyoulike，I”lljusttellyouhowitwas。Iwenttohim”

“ShallIreadanother，DemyanDemyanovitch？“brokeinthesecretary，whohadnotbeenreadingforseveralminutes。

“Haveyoufinishedalready？Onlythinkhowquickly！AndIdidnothearawordofit！Whereisit？GiveitmeandI”llsignit。Whatelsehaveyouthere？“

“ThecaseofCossackBokitokforstealingacow。”

“Verygood；readit！——Yes，soIwenttohim——Icaneventellyouindetailhowheentertainedme。Therewasvodka，anddriedsturgeon，excellent！Yes，notoursturgeon，“therethejudgesmackedhistongueandsmiled，uponwhichhisnosetookasniffatitsusualsnuff-box，“suchasourMirgorodshopssellus。Iatenoherrings，for，asyouknow，theygivemeheart-burn；butItastedthecaviare——veryfinecaviare，too！There”snodoubtit，excellent！ThenIdranksomepeach-brandy，realgentian。Therewassaffron-brandyalso；but，asyouknow，Inevertakethat。Yousee，itwasallverygood。Inthefirstplace，towhetyourappetite，astheysay，andthentosatisfyit——

Ah！speakofanangel，“exclaimedthejudge，allatonce，catchingsightofIvanIvanovitchasheentered。

“Godbewithus！Iwishyouagood-morning，“saidIvanIvanovitch，bowingallroundwithhisusualpoliteness。Howwellheunderstoodtheartoffascinatingeverybodyinhismanner！Ineverbeheldsuchrefinement。Heknewhisownworthquitewell，andthereforelookedforuniversalrespectashisdue。ThejudgehimselfhandedIvanIvanovitchachair；andhisnoseinhaledallthesnuffrestingonhisupperlip，which，withhim，wasalwaysasignofgreatpleasure。

“Whatwillyoutake，IvanIvanovitch？“heinquired：“willyouhaveacupoftea？“

“No，muchobliged，“repliedIvanIvanovitch，ashebowedandseatedhimself。

“Domethefavour——onelittlecup，“repeatedthejudge。

“No，thankyou；muchobligedforyourhospitality，“repliedIvanIvanovitch，androse，bowed，andsatdownagain。

“Justonelittlecup，“repeatedthejudge。

“No，donottroubleyourself，DemyanDemyanovitch。”WhereuponIvanIvanovitchagainrose，bowed，andsatdown。

“Alittlecup！“

“Verywell，then，justalittlecup，“saidIvanIvanovitch，andreachedouthishandtothetray。Heavens！Whataheightofrefinementtherewasinthatman！Itisimpossibletodescribewhatapleasantimpressionsuchmannersproduce！

“Willyounothaveanothercup？“

“Ithankyousincerely，“answeredIvanIvanovitch，turninghiscupupsidedownuponthetrayandbowing。

“Domethefavour，IvanIvanovitch。”

“Icannot；muchobliged。”ThereuponIvanIvanovitchbowedandsatdown。

“IvanIvanovitch，forthesakeofourfriendship，justonelittlecup！“

“No：Iamextremelyindebtedforyourhospitality。”Sosaying，IvanIvanovitchbowedandseatedhimself。

“Onlyacup，onelittlecup！“

IvanIvanovitchputhishandouttothetrayandtookacup。Oh，thedeuce！Howcanamancontrivetosupporthisdignity！

“DemyanDemyanovitch，“saidIvanIvanovitch，swallowingthelastdrain，“Ihavepressingbusinesswithyou；Iwanttoenteracomplaint。”

ThenIvanIvanovitchsetdownhiscup，anddrewfromhispocketasheetofstampedpaper，writtenover。“Acomplaintagainstmyenemy，mydeclaredenemy。”

“Andwhoisthat？“

“IvanNikiforovitchDovgotchkun。”

Atthesewords，thejudgenearlyfelloffhischair。“Whatdoyousay？“heexclaimed，claspinghishands；“IvanIvanovitch，isthisyou？“

“YouseeyourselfthatitisI。”

“TheLordandallthesaintsbewithyou！What！You！IvanIvanovitch！

youhavefallenoutwithIvanNikiforovitch！Isityourmouthwhichsaysthat？Repeatit！Isnotsomeonehidbehindyouwhoisspeakinginsteadofyou？“

“Whatisthereincredibleaboutit？Ican”tendurethesightofhim：

hehasdonemeadeadlyinjury——hehasinsultedmyhonour。”

“HolyTrinity！HowamItobelievemymothernow？Why，everyday，whenIquarrelwithmysister，theoldwomansays，”Children，youlivetogetherlikedogs。IfyouwouldonlytakepatternbyIvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitch，theyarefriendsindeed！suchfriends！suchworthypeople！”Thereyouarewithyourfriend！Tellmewhatthisisabout。Howisit？“

“Itisadelicatebusiness，DemyanDemyanovitch；itisimpossibletorelateitinwords：bepleasedrathertoreadmyplaint。Here，takeitbythisside；itismoreconvenient。”

“Readit，TarasTikhonovitch，“saidthejudge，turningtothesecretary。

TarasTikhonovitchtooktheplaint；andblowinghisnose，asalldistrictjudges”secretariesblowtheirnoses，withtheassistanceoftwofingers，hebegantoread：——

“FromthenoblemanandlandedproprietoroftheMirgorodDistrict，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，aplaint：concerningwhichthefollowingpointsaretobenoted：——

“1。IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，nobleman，knowntoalltheworldforhisgodlessacts，whichinspiredisgust，andinlawlessnessexceedallbounds，ontheseventhdayofJulyofthisyear1810，inflicteduponmeadeadlyinsult，touchingmypersonalhonour，andlikewisetendingtothehumiliationandconfusionofmyrankandfamily。Thesaidnobleman，ofrepulsiveaspect，hasalsoapugnaciousdisposition，andisfulltooverflowingwithblasphemyandquarrelsomewords。”

Herethereaderpausedforaninstanttoblowhisnoseagain；butthejudgefoldedhishandsinapprobationandmurmuredtohimself，“Whatareadypen！Lord！howthismandoeswrite！“

IvanIvanovitchrequestedthatthereadingmightproceed，andTarasTikhonovitchwenton：——

“ThesaidIvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，whenIwenttohimwithafriendlyproposition，calledmepubliclybyanepithetinsultingandinjurioustomyhonour，namely，agoose，whereasitisknowntothewholedistrictofMirgorod，thatIneverwasnamedafterthatdisgustingcreature，andhavenointentionofeverbeingnamedafterit。Theproofofmynobleextractionisthat，inthebaptismalregistertobefoundintheChurchoftheThreeBishops，thedayofmybirth，andlikewisethefactofmybaptism，areinscribed。Butagoose，asiswellknowntoeveryonewhohasanyknowledgeofscience，cannotbeinscribedinthebaptismalregister；foragooseisnotamanbutafowl；which，likewise，issufficientlywellknowneventopersonswhohavenotbeentocollege。Butthesaidevil-mindednobleman，beingprivytoallthesefacts，affrontedmewiththeaforesaidfoulword，fornootherpurposethantoofferadeadlyinsulttomyrankandstation。

“2。Andthesameimpoliteandindecentnobleman，moreover，attemptedinjurytomyproperty，inheritedbymefrommyfather，amemberoftheclericalprofession，IvanPererepenko，sonofOnisieff，ofblessedmemory，inasmuchthathe，contrarytoalllaw，transporteddirectlyoppositemyporchagoose-shed，whichwasdonewithnootherintentionthattoemphasisetheinsultofferedme；forthesaidshedhad，uptothattime，stoodinaverysuitablesituation，andwasstillsufficientlystrong。Buttheloathsomeintentionoftheaforesaidnoblemanconsistedsimplyinthis：viz。，inmakingmeawitnessofunpleasantoccurrences；foritiswellknownthatnomangoesintoashed，muchlessintoagoose-shed，forpolitepurposes。Intheexecutionofhislawlessdeed，thetwofrontpoststrespassedonmyland，receivedbymeduringthelifetimeofmyfather，IvanPererepenko，sonofOnisieff，ofblessedmemory，beginningatthegranary，thenceinastraightlinetothespotwherethewomenwashthepots。

“3。Theabove-describednobleman，whoseverynameandsurnameinspirethoroughdisgust，cherishesinhismindamaliciousdesigntoburnmeinmyownhouse。Whichtheinfalliblesigns，hereinaftermentioned，fullydemonstrate；inthefirstplace，thesaidwickednoblemanhasbeguntoemergefrequentlyfromhisapartments，whichheneverdidformerlyonaccountofhislazinessandthedisgustingcorpulenceofhisbody；inthesecondplace，inhisservants”apartments，adjoiningthefence，surroundingmyownland，receivedbymefrommyfatherofblessedmemory，IvanPererepenko，sonofOnisieff，alightburnseveryday，andforaremarkablylongperiodoftime，whichisalsoaclearproofofthefact。Forhitherto，owingtohisrepulsiveniggardliness，notonlythetallow-candlebutalsothegrease-lamphasbeenextinguished。

“AndthereforeIpraythatthesaidnobleman，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，beingplainlyguiltyofincendiarism，ofinsulttomyrank，name，andfamily，andofillegalappropriationofmyproperty，and，worsethanallelse，ofmaliciousanddeliberateadditiontomysurname，ofthenicknameofgoose，becondemnedbythecourt，tofine，satisfaction，costs，anddamages，and，beingchained，beremovedtothetownjail，andthatjudgmentberendereduponthis，myplaint，immediatelyandwithoutdelay。

“WrittenandcomposedbyIvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，nobleman，andlandedproprietorofMirgorod。”

Afterthereadingoftheplaintwasconcluded，thejudgeapproachedIvanovitch，tookhimbythebutton，andbegantotalktohimafterthisfashion：“Whatareyoudoing，IvanIvanovitch？FearGod！throwawaythatplaint，letitgo！maySatancarryitoff！BettertakeIvanNikiforovitchbythehandandkisshim，buysomeSanturinskiorNikopolskiliquor，makeapunch，andcallmein。Wewilldrinkituptogetherandforgetallunpleasantness。”

“No，DemyanDemyanovitch！it”snotthatsortofanaffair，“saidIvanIvanovitch，withthedignitywhichalwaysbecamehimsowell；“itisnotanaffairwhichcanbearrangedbyafriendlyagreement。Farewell！

Good-daytoyou，too，gentlemen，“hecontinuedwiththesamedignity，turningtothemall。“Ihopethatmyplaintwillleadtoproperactionbeingtaken；“andouthewent，leavingallpresentinastateofstupefaction。

Thejudgesatdownwithoututteringaword；thesecretarytookapinchofsnuff；theclerksupsetsomebrokenfragmentsofbottleswhichservedforinkstands；andthejudgehimself，inabsenceofmind，spreadoutapuddleofinkuponthetablewithhisfinger。

“Whatdoyousaytothis，DorofeiTrofimovitch？“saidthejudge，turningtotheassistantafterapause。

“I”venothingtosay，“repliedtheclerk。

“Whatthingsdohappen！“continuedthejudge。HehadnotfinishedsayingthisbeforethedoorcreakedandthefronthalfofIvanNikiforovitchpresenteditselfinthecourt-room；therestofhimremainingintheante-room。TheappearanceofIvanNikiforovitch，andincourttoo，seemedsoextraordinarythatthejudgescreamed；thesecretarystoppedreading；oneclerk，inhisfriezeimitationofadress-coat，tookhispeninhislips；andtheotherswallowedafly。

Eventheconstableondutyandthewatchman，adischargedsoldierwhouptothatmomenthadstoodbythedoorscratchingabouthisdirtytunic，withchevronsonitsarm，droppedhisjawandtrodonsomeone”sfoot。

“Whatchancebringsyouhere？Howisyourhealth，IvanNikiforovitch？“

ButIvanNikiforovitchwasneitherdeadnoralive；forhewasstuckfastinthedoor，andcouldnottakeastepeitherforwardsorbackwards。Invaindidthejudgeshoutintotheante-roomthatsomeonethereshouldpushIvanNikiforovitchforwardintothecourt-room。

Intheante-roomtherewasonlyoneoldwomanwithapetition，who，inspiteofalltheeffortsofherbonyhands，couldaccomplishnothing。

Thenoneoftheclerks，withthicklips，athicknose，eyeswhichlookedaskanceandintoxicated，broadshoulders，andraggedelbows，approachedthefronthalfofIvanNikiforovitch，crossedhishandsforhimasthoughhehadbeenachild，andwinkedattheoldsoldier，whobracedhiskneeagainstIvanNikiforovitch”sbelly，so，inspiteofthelatter”spiteousmoans，hewassqueezedoutintotheante-room。

Thentheypulledthebolts，andopenedtheotherhalfofthedoor。

Meanwhiletheclerkandhisassistant，breathinghardwiththeirfriendlyexertions，exhaledsuchastrongodourthatthecourt-roomseemedtemporarilyturnedintoadrinking-room。

“Areyouhurt，IvanNikiforovitch？Iwilltellmymothertosendyouadecoctionofbrandy，withwhichyouneedbuttorubyourbackandstomachandallyourpainswilldisappear。”

ButIvanNikiforovitchdroppedintoachair，andcouldutternowordbeyondprolongedoh”s。Finally，inafaintandbarelyaudiblevoicefromfatigue，heexclaimed，“Wouldn”tyoulikesome？“anddrawinghissnuff-boxfromhispocket，added，“Helpyourself，ifyouplease。”

“Verygladtoseeyou，“repliedthejudge；“butIcannotconceivewhatmadeyouputyourselftosomuchtrouble，andfavouruswithsounexpectedanhonour。”

“Aplaint！“IvanNikiforovitchmanagedtoejaculate。

“Aplaint？Whatplaint？“

“Acomplaint……”herehisasthmaentailedaprolongedpause”Oh！acomplaintagainstthatrascal——IvanIvanovitchPererepenko！“

“Andyoutoo！Suchparticularfriends！Acomplaintagainstsuchabenevolentman？“

“He”sSatanhimself！“ejaculatedIvanNikiforovitchabruptly。

Thejudgecrossedhimself。

“Takemyplaint，andreadit。”

“Thereisnothingtobedone。Readit，TarasTikhonovitch，“saidthejudge，turningtothesecretarywithanexpressionofdispleasure，whichcausedhisnosetosniffathisupperlip，whichgenerallyoccurredonlyasasignofgreatenjoyment。Thisindependenceonthepartofhisnosecausedthejudgestillgreatervexation。Hepulledouthishandkerchief，andrubbedoffallthesnufffromhisupperlipinordertopunishitforitsdaring。

Thesecretary，havinggonethroughtheusualperformance，whichhealwaysindulgedinbeforehebegantoread，thatistosay，blowinghisnosewithouttheaidofapocket-handkerchief，beganinhisordinaryvoice，inthefollowingmanner：——

“IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，noblemanoftheMirgorodDistrict，presentsaplaint，andbegstocallattentiontothefollowingpoints：——

“1。Throughhishatefulmaliceandplainlymanifestedill-will，thepersoncallinghimselfanobleman，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，perpetratesagainstmeeverymannerofinjury，damage，andlikespitefuldeeds，whichinspiremewithterror。Yesterdayafternoon，likeabrigandandthief，withaxes，saws，chisels，andvariouslocksmith”stools，hecamebynightintomyyardandintomyowngoose-shedlocatedwithinit，andwithhisownhand，andinoutrageousmanner，destroyedit；forwhichveryillegalandburglariousdeedonmysideIgavenomannerofcause。

“2。ThesamenoblemanPererepenkohasdesignsuponmylife；andonthe7thoflastmonth，cherishingthisdesigninsecret，hecametome，andbegan，inafriendlyandinsidiousmanner，toaskofmeagunwhichwasinmychamber，andofferedmeforit，withthemiserlinesspeculiartohim，manyworthlessobjects，suchasabrownsowandtwosacksofoats。Diviningatthattimehiscriminalintentions，I

endeavouredineverywaytodissuadehimfromit：butthesaidrascalandscoundrel，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，abusedmelikeamuzhik，andsincethattimehascherishedagainstmeanirreconcilableenmity。

Hissisterwaswellknowntoeveryoneasaloosecharacter，andwentoffwitharegimentofchasseurswhichwasstationedatMirgorodfiveyearsago；butsheinscribedherhusbandasapeasant。Hisfatherandmothertoowerenotlaw-abidingpeople，andbothwereinconceivabledrunkards。Theafore-mentionednoblemanandrobber，Pererepenko，inhisbeastlyandblameworthyactions，goesbeyondallhisfamily，andundertheguiseofpietydoesthemostimmoralthings。Hedoesnotobservethefasts；forontheeveofSt。Philip”sthisatheistboughtasheep，andnextdayorderedhismistress，Gapka，tokillit，allegingthatheneededtallowforlampsandcandlesatonce。

“ThereforeIpraythatthesaidnobleman，amanifestrobber，church-thief，andrascal，convictedofplunderingandstealing，maybeputinirons，andconfinedinthejailorthegovernmentprison，andthere，undersupervision，deprivedofhisrankandnobility，wellflogged，andbanishedtoforcedlabourinSiberia，andthathemaybecommandedtopaydamagesandcosts，andthatjudgmentmayberenderedonthismypetition。

“Tothisplaint，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，nobleoftheMirgoroddistrict，hassethishand。”

Assoonasthesecretaryhadfinishedreading，IvanNikiforovitchseizedhishatandbowed，withtheintentionofdeparting。

“Whereareyougoing，IvanNikiforovitch？“thejudgecalledafterhim。

“Sitdownalittlewhile。Havesometea。Orishko，whyareyoustandingthere，youstupidgirl，winkingattheclerks？Go，bringtea。”

ButIvanNikiforovitch，interrorathavinggotsofarfromhome，andathavingundergonesuchafearfulquarantine，madehastetocrawlthroughthedoor，saying，“Don”ttroubleyourself。ItiswithpleasurethatI”andcloseditafterhim，leavingallpresentstupefied。

Therewasnothingtobedone。Bothplaintswereentered；andtheaffairpromisedtoassumeasufficientlyseriousaspectwhenanunforeseenoccurrencelentanaddedinteresttoit。Asthejudgewasleavingthecourtincompanywiththeclerkandsecretary，andtheemployeeswerethrustingintosacksthefowls，eggs，loaves，pies，cracknels，andotheroddsandendsbroughtbytheplaintiffs——justatthatmomentabrownsowrushedintotheroomandsnatched，totheamazementofthespectators，neitherapienoracrustofbreadbutIvanNikiforovitch”splaint，whichlayattheendofthetablewithitsleaveshangingover。Havingseizedthedocument，mistresssowranoffsobrisklythatnotoneoftheclerksorofficialscouldcatchher，inspiteoftherulersandink-bottlestheyhurledafterher。

Thisextraordinaryoccurrenceproducedaterriblemuddle，fortherehadnotevenbeenacopytakenoftheplaint。Thejudge，thatistosay，hissecretaryandtheassistantdebatedforalongtimeuponsuchanunheard-ofaffair。Finallyitwasdecidedtowriteareportofthemattertothegovernor，astheinvestigationofthematterpertainedmoretothedepartmentofthecitypolice。ReportNo。389wasdespatchedtohimthatsameday；andalsouponthatdaytherecametolightasufficientlycuriousexplanation，whichthereadermaylearnfromthefollowingchapter。

CHAPTERV

INWHICHAREDETAILEDTHEDELIBERATIONSOFTWO

IMPORTANTPERSONAGESOFMIRGOROD

AssoonasIvanIvanovitchhadarrangedhisdomesticaffairsandsteppedoutuponthebalcony，accordingtohiscustom，toliedown，hesaw，tohisindescribableamazement，somethingredatthegate。Thiswastheredfacingsofthechiefofpolice”scoat，whichwerepolishedequallywithhiscollar，andresembledvarnishedleatherontheedges。

IvanIvanovitchthoughttohimself，“It”snotbadthatPeterFeodorovitchhascometotalkitoverwithme。”Buthewasverymuchsurprisedtoseethatthechiefwaswalkingremarkablyfastandflourishinghishands，whichwasveryrarelythecasewithhim。Therewereeightbuttonsonthechiefofpolice”suniform：theninth，tornoffinsomemannerduringtheprocessionattheconsecrationofthechurchtwoyearsbefore，thepolicehadnotbeenabletofinduptothistime：althoughthechief，ontheoccasionofthedailyreportsmadetohimbythesergeants，alwaysasked，“Hasthatbuttonbeenfound？“Theseeightbuttonswerestrewnabouthimaswomensowbeans——onetotherightandonetotheleft。Hisleftfoothadbeenstruckbyaballinthelastcampaign，andsohelimpedandthrewitoutsofartoonesideastoalmostcounteracttheeffortsoftherightfoot。Themorebrisklythechiefofpoliceworkedhiswalkingapparatusthelessprogresshemadeinadvance。Sowhilehewasgettingtothebalcony，IvanIvanovitchhadplentyoftimetolosehimselfinsurmisesastowhythechiefwasflourishinghishandssovigorously。Thisinterestedhimthemore，asthematterseemedoneofunusualimportance；forthechiefhadonanewdagger。

“Goodmorning，PeterFeodorovitch！“criedIvanIvanovitch，whowas，ashasalreadybeenstated，exceedinglycurious，andcouldnotrestrainhisimpatienceasthechiefofpolicebegantoascendtothebalcony，yetneverraisedhiseyes，andkeptgrumblingathisfoot，whichcouldnotbepersuadedtomountthestepatthefirstattempt。

“Iwishmygoodfriendandbenefactor，IvanIvanovitch，agood-day，“

repliedthechief。

“Praysitdown。Iseethatyouareweary，asyourlamefoothinders”

“Myfoot！“screamedthechief，bestowinguponIvanIvanovitchaglancesuchasagiantmightcastuponapigmy，apedantuponadancing-master：andhestretchedouthisfootandstampeduponthefloorwithit。Thisboldnesscosthimdear；forhiswholebodywaveredandhisnosestrucktherailing；butthebravepreserveroforder，withthepurposeofmakinglightofit，rightedhimselfimmediately，andbegantofeelinhispocketasiftogethissnuff-box。“Imustreporttoyou，mydearfriendandbenefactor，IvanIvanovitch，thatneverinallmydayshaveImadesuchamarch。Yes，seriously。Forinstance，duringthecampaignof1807——Ah！IwilltelltoyouhowI

crawledthroughtheenclosuretoseeaprettylittleGerman。”Herethechiefclosedoneeyeandexecutedadiabolicallyslysmile。

“Wherehaveyoubeento-day？“askedIvanIvanovitch，wishingtocutthechiefshortandbringhimmorespeedilytotheobjectofhisvisit。Hewouldhaveverymuchlikedtoinquirewhatthechiefmeanttotellhim，buthisextensiveknowledgeoftheworldshowedhimtheimproprietyofsuchaquestion；andsohehadtokeephimselfwellinhandandawaitasolution，hisheart，meanwhile，beatingwithunusualforce。

“Ah，excuseme！Iwasgoingtotellyou——wherewasI？“answeredthechiefofpolice。“Inthefirstplace，Ireportthattheweatherisfineto-day。”

Attheselastwords，IvanIvanovitchnearlydied。

“Butpermitme，“wentonthechief。“Ihavecometoyouto-dayaboutaveryimportantaffair。”Herethechief”sfaceandbearingassumedthesamecarewornaspectwithwhichhehadascendedtothebalcony。

IvanIvanovitchbreathedagain，andshookasifinafever，omittingnot，aswashishabit，toputaquestion。“Whatistheimportantmatter？Isitimportant？“

“Prayjudgeforyourself；inthefirstplaceIventuretoreporttoyou，dearfriendandbenefactor，IvanIvanovitch，thatyou——Ibegyoutoobservethat，formyownpart，Ishouldhavenothingtosay；buttherulesofgovernmentrequireit——thatyouhavetransgressedtherulesofpropriety。”

“Whatdoyoumean，PeterFeodorovitch？Idon”tunderstandatall。”

“Pardonme，IvanIvanovitch！howcanitbethatyoudonotunderstand？

Yourownbeasthasdestroyedanimportantgovernmentdocument；andyoucanstillsay，afterthat，thatyoudonotunderstand！“

“Whatbeast？“

“Yourownbrownsow，withyourpermission，beitsaid。”

“HowcanIberesponsible？Whydidthedoor-keeperofthecourtopenthedoor？“

“But，IvanIvanovitch，yourownbrownsow。Youmustberesponsible。”

“Iamextremelyobligedtoyouforcomparingmetoasow。”

“ButIdidnotsaythat，IvanIvanovitch！ByHeaven！Ididnotsayso！

Prayjudgefromyourownclearconscience。Itisknowntoyouwithoutdoubt，thatinaccordancewiththeviewsofthegovernment，uncleananimalsareforbiddentoroamaboutthetown，particularlyintheprincipalstreets。Admit，now，thatitisprohibited。”

“Godknowswhatyouaretalkingabout！Amightyimportantbusinessthatasowgotintothestreet！“

“Permitmetoinformyou，IvanIvanovitch，permitme，permitme，thatthisisutterlyinadvisable。Whatistobedone？Theauthoritiescommand，wemustobey。Idon”tdenythatsometimeschickensandgeeserunaboutthestreet，andevenaboutthesquare，prayobserve，chickensandgeese；butonlylastyear，Igaveordersthatpigsandgoatswerenottobeadmittedtothepublicsquares，whichregulationsIdirectedtobereadaloudatthetimebeforeallthepeople。”

“No，PeterFeodorovitch，Iseenothinghereexceptthatyouaredoingyourbesttoinsultme。”

“Butyoucannotsaythat，mydearestfriendandbenefactor，thatI

havetriedtoinsultyou。Bethinkyourself：Ineversaidawordtoyoulastyearwhenyoubuiltaroofawholefoothigherthanisallowedbylaw。Onthecontrary，Ipretendednottohaveobservedit。Believeme，mydearestfriend，evennow，Iwould，sotospeak——butmyduty——inaword，mydutydemandsthatIshouldhaveaneyetocleanliness。Justjudgeforyourself，whensuddenlyintheprincipalstreet”

“Fineprincipalstreetsyoursare！Everywomangoesthereandthrowsdownanyrubbishshechooses。”

“Permitmetoinformyou，IvanIvanovitch，thatitisyouwhoareinsultingme。Thatdoessometimeshappen，but，asarule，onlybesidesfences，sheds，orstorehouses；butthatafilthysowshouldintrudeherselfinthemainstreet，inthesquare，nowisamatter”

“Whatsortofamatter？PeterFeodorovitch！surelyasowisoneofGod”screatures！“

“Agreed。Everybodyknowsthatyouarealearnedman，thatyouareacquaintedwithsciencesandvariousothersubjects。Ineverstudiedthesciences：Ibegantolearntowriteinmythirteenthyear。OfcourseyouknowthatIwasasoldierintheranks。”

“Hm！“saidIvanIvanovitch。

“Yes，“continuedthechiefofpolice，“in1801IwasintheForty-secondRegimentofchasseurs，lieutenantinthefourthcompany。

Thecommanderofourcompanywas，ifImaybepermittedtomentionit，CaptainEremeeff。”Thereuponthechiefofpolicethrusthisfingersintothesnuff-boxwhichIvanIvanovitchwasholdingopen，andstirredupthesnuff。

IvanIvanovitchanswered，“Hm！“

“Butmyduty，“wentonthechiefofpolice，“istoobeythecommandsoftheauthorities。Doyouknow，IvanIvanovitch，thatapersonwhopurloinsagovernmentdocumentinthecourt-roomincurscapitalpunishmentequallywithothercriminals？“

“Iknowit；and，ifyoulike，Icangiveyoulessons。Itissodecreedwithregardtopeople，asifyou，forinstance，weretostealadocument；butasowisananimal，oneofGod”screatures。”

“Certainly；butthelawreads，”Thoseguiltyoftheft”——Ibegofyoutolistenmostattentively——”Thoseguilty！”Hereisindicatedneitherracenorsexnorrank：ofcourseananimalcanbeguilty。Youmaysaywhatyouplease；buttheanimal，untilthesentenceispronouncedbythecourt，shouldbecommittedtothechargeofthepoliceasatransgressorofthelaw。”

“No，PeterFeodorovitch，“retortedIvanIvanovitchcoolly，“thatshallnotbe。”

“Asyoulike：onlyImustcarryouttheordersoftheauthorities。”

“Whatareyouthreateningmewith？Probablyyouwanttosendthatone-armedsoldierafterher。Ishallorderthewomanwhotendsthedoortodrivehimoffwiththepoker：he”llgethislastarmbroken。”

“Idarenotdisputewithyou。Incaseyouwillnotcommitthesowtothechargeofthepolice，thendowhatyoupleasewithher：killherforChristmas，ifyoulike，andmakehamsofher，oreatherassheis。OnlyIshouldliketoaskyou，incaseyoumakesausages，tosendmeacouple，suchasyourGapkamakessowell，ofbloodandlard。MyAgrafenaTrofimovnaisextremelyfondofthem。”

“Iwillsendyouacoupleofsausagesifyoupermit。”

“Ishallbeextremelyobligedtoyou，dearfriendandbenefactor。Nowpermitmetosayonewordmore。Iamcommissionedbythejudge，aswellasbyallouracquaintances，sotospeak，toeffectareconciliationbetweenyouandyourfriend，IvanNikiforovitch。”

“What！withthatbrute！Itobereconciledtothatclown！Never！Itshallnotbe，itshallnotbe！“IvanIvanovitchwasinaremarkablydeterminedframeofmind。

“Asyoulike，“repliedthechiefofpolice，treatingbothnostrilstosnuff。“Iwillnotventuretoadviseyou；butpermitmetomention——hereyouliveatenmity，andifyoumakepeace……”

ButIvanIvanovitchbegantotalkaboutcatchingquail，asheusuallydidwhenhewantedtoputanendtoaconversation。Sothechiefofpolicewasobligedtoretirewithouthavingachievedanysuccesswhatever。

CHAPTERVI

FROMWHICHTHEREADERCANEASILYDISCOVER

WHATISCONTAINEDINIT

Inspiteofallthejudge”seffortstokeepthemattersecret，allMirgorodknewbythenextdaythatIvanIvanovitch”ssowhadstolenIvanNikiforovitch”spetition。Thechiefofpolicehimself，inamomentofforgetfulness，wasthefirsttobetrayhimself。WhenIvanNikiforovitchwasinformedofithesaidnothing：hemerelyinquired，“Wasitthebrownone？“

ButAgafyaFedosyevna，whowaspresent，beganagaintourgeonIvanNikiforovitch。“What”sthematterwithyou，IvanNikiforovitch？Peoplewilllaughatyouasatafoolifyouletitpass。Howcanyouremainanoblemanafterthat？Youwillbeworsethantheoldwomanwhosellsthehoneycakeswithhemp-seedoilyouaresofondof。”

Andthemischief-makerpersuadedhim。Shehuntedupsomewhereamiddle-agedmanwithdarkcomplexion，spotsalloverhisface，andadark-bluesurtoutpatchedontheelbows，aregularofficialscribbler。

Heblackedhisbootswithtar，worethreepensbehindhisear，andaglassvialtiedtohisbuttonholewithastringinsteadofanink-bottle：ateasmanyasninepiesatonce，andputthetenthinhispocket，andwrotesomanyslandersofallsortsonasinglesheetofstampedpaperthatnoreadercouldgetthroughallatonetimewithoutinterspersingcoughsandsneezes。Thismanlaboured，toiled，andwrote，andfinallyconcoctedthefollowingdocument：-

“TotheDistrictJudgeofMirgorod，fromthenoble，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor。

“Inpursuanceofmyplaintwhichwaspresentedbyme，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，againstthenobleman，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，towhichthejudgeoftheMirgoroddistrictcourthasexhibitedindifference；andtheshameless，high-handeddeedofthebrownsowbeingkeptsecret，andcomingtomyearsfromoutsideparties。

“Andthesaidneglect，plainlymalicious，liesincontestablyatthejudge”sdoor；forthesowisastupidanimal，andthereforeunfittedforthetheftofpapers。Fromwhichitplainlyappearsthatthesaidfrequentlymentionedsowwasnototherwisethaninstigatedtothesamebytheopponent，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，callinghimselfanobleman，andalreadyconvictedoftheft，conspiracyagainstlife，anddesecrationofachurch。ButthesaidMirgorodjudge，withthepartisanshippeculiartohim，gavehisprivateconsenttothisindividual；forwithoutsuchconsentthesaidsowcouldbynopossiblemeanshavebeenadmittedtocarryoffthedocument；forthejudgeofthedistrictcourtofMirgorodiswellprovidedwithservants：itwasonlynecessarytosummonasoldier，whoisalwaysondutyinthereception-room，andwho，althoughhehasbutoneeyeandonesomewhatdamagedarm，haspowersquiteadequatetodrivingoutasow，andtobeatingitwithastick，fromwhichiscrediblyevidentthecriminalneglectofthesaidMirgorodjudgeandtheincontestablesharingoftheJew-likespoilstherefromresultingfromthesemutualconspirators。Andtheaforesaidrobberandnobleman，IvanPererepenko，sonofIvan，havingdisgracedhimself，finishedhisturningonhislathe。Wherefore，I，thenobleIvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，declaretothesaiddistrictjudgeinproperformthatifthesaidbrownsow，orthemanPererepenko，benotsummonedtothecourt，andjudgmentinaccordancewithjusticeandmyadvantagepronounceduponher，thenI，IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，shallpresentaplaint，withobservanceofalldueformalities，againstthesaiddistrictjudgeforhisillegalpartisanshiptothesuperiorcourts。

“IvanDovgotchkun，sonofNikifor，nobleoftheMirgorodDistrict。”

Thispetitionproduceditseffect。Thejudgewasamanoftimiddisposition，asallgoodpeoplegenerallyare。Hebetookhimselftothesecretary。Butthesecretaryemittedfromhislipsathick“Hm，“

andexhibitedonhiscountenancethatindifferentanddiabolicallyequivocalexpressionwhichSatanaloneassumeswhenheseeshisvictimhasteningtohisfeet。Oneresourceremainedtohim，toreconcilethetwofriends。Buthowtosetaboutit，whenallattemptsuptothattimehadbeensounsuccessful？Nevertheless，itwasdecidedtomakeanothereffort；butIvanIvanovitchdeclaredoutrightthathewouldnothearofit，andevenflewintoaviolentpassion；whilstIvanNikiforovitch，inlieuofananswer，turnedhisbackandwouldnotutteraword。

Thenthecasewentonwiththeunusualpromptnessuponwhichcourtsusuallypridethemselves。Documentsweredated，labelled，numbered，sewedtogether，registeredallinoneday，andthematterlaidontheshelf，whereitcontinuedtolie，forone，two，orthreeyears。Manybridesweremarried；anewstreetwaslaidoutinMirgorod；oneofthejudge”sdoubleteethfelloutandtwoofhiseye-teeth；morechildrenthaneverranaboutIvanIvanovitch”syard；IvanNikiforovitch，asareprooftoIvanIvanovitch，constructedanewgoose-shed，althoughalittlefartherbackthanthefirst，andbuilthimselfcompletelyofffromhisneighbour，sothattheseworthypeoplehardlyeverbeheldeachother”sfaces；butstillthecaselayinthecabinet，whichhadbecomemarbledwithink-pots。

InthemeantimeaveryimportanteventforallMirgorodhadtakenplace。Thechiefofpolicehadgivenareception。WhenceshallI

obtainthebrushandcolourstodepictthisvariedgatheringandmagnificentfeast？Takeyourwatch，openit，andlookwhatisgoingoninside。Afearfulconfusion，isitnot？Now，imaginealmostthesame，ifnotagreater，numberofwheelsstandinginthechiefofpolice”scourtyard。Howmanycarriagesandwaggonswerethere！Onewaswidebehindandnarrowinfront；anothernarrowbehindandwideinfront。

Onewasacarriageandawaggoncombined；anotherneitheracarriagenorawaggon。Oneresembledahugehayrickorafatmerchant”swife；

anotheradilapidatedJeworaskeletonnotquitefreedfromtheskin。

Onewasaperfectpipewithlongsteminprofile；another，resemblingnothingwhatever，suggestedsomestrange，shapeless，fantasticobject。

Inthemidstofthischaosofwheelsrosecoacheswithwindowslikethoseofaroom。Thedrivers，ingreyCossackcoats，gaberdines，andwhitehare-skincoats，sheepskinhatsandcapsofvariouspatterns，andwithpipesintheirhands，drovetheunharnessedhorsesthroughtheyard。

Whatareceptionthechiefofpolicegave！Permitmetorunthroughthelistofthosewhowerethere：TarasTarasovitch，EvplAkinfovitch，EvtikhiyEvtikhievitch，IvanIvanovitch——notthatIvanIvanovitchbutanother——GabbaBavrilonovitch，ourIvanIvanovitch，ElevferiyElevferievitch，MakarNazarevitch，ThomaGrigorovitch——Icansaynomore：mypowersfailme，myhandstopswriting。Andhowmanyladieswerethere！darkandfair，tallandshort，somefatlikeIvanNikiforovitch，andsomesothinthatitseemedasthougheachonemighthideherselfinthescabbardofthechief”ssword。Whathead-dresses！whatcostumes！red，yellow，coffee-colour，green，blue，new，turned，re-madedresses，ribbons，reticules。Farewell，pooreyes！

youwillneverbegoodforanythinganymoreaftersuchaspectacle。

Andhowlongthetablewasdrawnout！andhowalltalked！andwhatanoisetheymade！Whatisamillwithitsdriving-wheel，stones，beams，hammers，wheels，incomparisonwiththis？Icannottellyouexactlywhattheytalkedabout，butpresumablyofmanyagreeableandusefulthings，suchastheweather，dogs，wheat，caps，anddice。AtlengthIvanIvanovitch——notourIvanIvanovitch，buttheother，whohadbutoneeye——said，“Itstrikesmeasstrangethatmyrighteye，“thisone-eyedIvanIvanovitchalwaysspokesarcasticallyabouthimself，“doesnotseeIvanNikiforovitch，GospodinDovgotchkun。”

“Hewouldnotcome，“saidthechiefofpolice。

“Whynot？“

“It”stwoyearsnow，glorytoGod！sincetheyquarrelled；thatis，IvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitch；andwhereonegoes，theotherwillnotgo。”

“Youdon”tsayso！“Thereuponone-eyedIvanIvanovitchraisedhiseyeandclaspedhishands。“Well，ifpeoplewithgoodeyescannotliveinpeace，howamItoliveamicably，withmybadone？“

Atthesewordstheyalllaughedatthetopsoftheirvoices。Everyonelikedone-eyedIvanIvanovitch，becausehecrackedjokesinthatstyle。Atall，thinmaninafriezecoat，withaplasteronhisnose，whouptothistimehadsatinthecorner，andneveroncealteredtheexpressionofhisface，evenwhenaflylightedonhisnose，rosefromhisseat，andapproachednearertothecrowdwhichsurroundedone-eyedIvanIvanovitch。“Listen，“saidIvanIvanovitch，whenheperceivedthatquiteathronghadcollectedabouthim；“supposewemakepeacebetweenourfriends。IvanIvanovitchistalkingwiththewomenandgirls；letussendquietlyforIvanNikiforovitchandbringthemtogether。”

IvanIvanovitch”sproposalwasunanimouslyagreedto；anditwasdecidedtosendatoncetoIvanNikiforovitch”shouse，andbeghim，atanyrate，tocometothechiefofpolice”sfordinner。Butthedifficultquestionastowhowastobeintrustedwiththisweightycommissionrenderedallthoughtful。Theydebatedlongastowhowasthemostexpertindiplomaticmatters。AtlengthitwasunanimouslyagreedtodeputeAntonProkofievitchtodothisbusiness。

Butitisnecessary，firstofall，tomakethereadersomewhatacquaintedwiththisnoteworthyperson。AntonProkofievitchwasatrulygoodman，inthefullestmeaningoftheterm。IfanyoneinMirgorodgavehimaneckerchieforunderclothes，hereturnedthanks；

ifanyonegavehimafilliponthenose，hereturnedthankstoo。Ifhewasasked，“Why，AntonProkofievitch，doyouwearalightbrowncoatwithbluesleeves？“hegenerallyreplied，“Ah，youhaven”tonelikeit！Waitabit，itwillsoonfadeandwillbealikeallover。”

And，inpointoffact，thebluecloth，fromtheeffectsofthesun，begantoturncinnamoncolour，andbecameofthesametintastherestofthecoat。ButthestrangepartofitwasthatAntonProkofievitchhadahabitofwearingwoollenclothinginsummerandnankeeninwinter。

AntonProkofievitchhadnohouseofhisown。Heusedtohaveoneontheoutskirtsofthetown；buthesoldit，andwiththepurchase-moneyboughtateamofbrownhorsesandalittlecarriageinwhichhedroveabouttostaywiththesquires。Butasthehorseswereadealoftroubleandmoneywasrequiredforoats，AntonProkofievitchbarteredthemforaviolinandahousemaid，withtwenty-fivepaperrublestoboot。AfterwardsAntonProkofievitchsoldtheviolin，andexchangedthegirlforamoroccoandgoldtobacco-pouch；nowhehassuchatobacco-pouchasnooneelsehas。Asaresultofthisluxury，hecannolongergoaboutamongthecountryhouses，buthastoremaininthetownandpassthenightatdifferenthouses，especiallyofthosegentlemenwhotakepleasureintappinghimonthenose。AntonProkofievitchisveryfondofgoodeating，andplaysagoodgameatcards。Obeyingordersalwayswashisforte；so，takinghishatandcane，hesetoutatonceonhiserrand。

But，ashewalkedalong，hebegantoponderinwhatmannerheshouldcontrivetoinduceIvanNikiforovitchtocometotheassembly。Theunbendingcharacterofthelatter，whowasotherwiseaworthyman，renderedtheundertakingalmosthopeless。How，indeed，washetopersuadehimtocome，whenevenrisingfromhisbedcosthimsogreataneffort？Butsupposingthathedidrise，howcouldhegethimtocome，where，ashedoubtlessknew，hisirreconcilableenemyalreadywas？ThemoreAntonProkofievitchreflected，themoredifficultiesheperceived。Thedaywassultry，thesunbeatdown，theperspirationpouredfromhiminstreams。AntonProkofievitchwasatolerablysharpmaninmanyrespectsthoughtheydidtaphimonthenose。Inbartering，however，hewasnotfortunate。Heknewverywellwhentoplaythefool，andsometimescontrivedtoturnthingstohisownprofitamidcircumstancesandsurroundingsfromwhichawisemancouldrarelyescapewithoutloss。

HisingeniousmindhadcontrivedameansofpersuadingIvanNikiforovitch；andhewasproceedingbravelytofaceeverythingwhenanunexpectedoccurrencesomewhatdisturbedhisequanimity。Thereisnoharm，atthispoint，inadmittingtothereaderthat，amongotherthings，AntonProkofievitchwastheownerofapairoftrousersofsuchsingularpropertiesthatwheneverheputthemonthedogsalwaysbithiscalves。Unfortunately，hehaddonnedthisparticularpairoftrousers；andhehadhardlygivenhimselfuptomeditationbeforeafearfulbarkingonallsidessalutedhisears。AntonProkofievitchraisedsuchayell，noonecouldscreamlouderthanhe，thatnotonlydidthewell-knownwomanandtheoccupantoftheendlesscoatrushouttomeethim，buteventhesmallboysfromIvanIvanovitch”syard。Butalthoughthedogssucceededintastingonlyoneofhiscalves，thissensibilitydiminishedhiscourage，andheenteredtheporchwithacertainamountoftimidity。

CHAPTERVII

HOWARECONCILIATIONWASSOUGHTTOBEEFFECTED

ANDALAWSUITENSUED

“Ah！howdoyoudo？Whydoyouirritatethedogs？“saidIvanNikiforovitch，onperceivingAntonProkofievitch；fornoonespokeotherwisethanjestinglywithAntonProkofievitch。

“Hangthem！who”sbeenirritatingthem？“retortedAntonProkofievitch。

“Youhave！“

“ByHeavens，no！YouareinvitedtodinnerbyPeterFeodorovitch。”

“Hm！“

“HeinvitedyouinamorepressingmannerthanIcantellyou。”Why”

sayshe，”doesIvanNikiforovitchshunmelikeanenemy？Henevercomesroundtohaveachat，ormakeacall。”“

IvanNikiforovitchstrokedhisbeard。

“”If”sayshe，”IvanNikiforovitchdoesnotcomenow，Ishallnotknowwhattothink：surely，hemusthavesomedesignagainstme。Pray，AntonProkofievitch，persuadeIvanNikiforovitch！”Come，IvanNikiforovitch，letusgo！averychoicecompanyisalreadymetthere。”

IvanNikiforovitchbegantolookatacock，whichwasperchedontheroof，crowingwithallitsmight。

“Ifyouonlyknew，IvanNikiforovitch，“pursuedthezealousambassador，“whatfreshsturgeonandcaviarePeterFeodorovitchhashadsenttohim！“WhereuponIvanNikiforovitchturnedhisheadandbegantolistenattentively。Thisencouragedthemessenger。“Comequickly：ThomaGrigorovitchistheretoo。Whydon”tyoucome？“headded，seeingthatIvanNikiforovitchstilllayinthesameposition。

“Shallwego，ornot？“

“Iwon”t！“

This“Iwon”t“startledAntonProkofievitch。Hehadfanciedthathisalluringrepresentationshadquitemovedthisveryworthyman；butinstead，heheardthatdecisive“Iwon”t。”

“Whywon”tyou？“heasked，withavexationwhichheveryrarelyexhibited，evenwhentheyputburningpaperonhishead，atrickwhichthejudgeandthechiefofpolicewereparticularlyfondofindulgingin。

IvanNikiforovitchtookapinchofsnuff。

“Justasyoulike，IvanNikiforovitch。Idonotknowwhatdetainsyou。”

“Whydon”tIgo？“saidIvanNikiforovitchatlength：“becausethatbrigandwillbethere！“ThiswashisordinarywayofalludingtoIvanIvanovitch。“JustGod！andisitlong？“

“Hewillnotbethere，hewillnotbethere！Maythelightningkillmeonthespot！“returnedAntonProkofievitch，whowasreadytoperjurehimselftentimesinanhour。“Comealong，IvanNikiforovitch！“

“Youlie，AntonProkofievitch！heisthere！“

“ByHeaven，byHeaven，he”snot！MayIneverstirfromthisplaceifhe”sthere！Now，justthinkforyourself，whatobjecthaveIinlying？

Maymyhandsandfeetwither！——What，don”tyoubelievemenow？MayI

perishrighthereinyourpresence！Don”tyoubelievemeyet？“

IvanNikiforovitchwasentirelyreassuredbytheseasseverations，andorderedhisvalet，intheboundlesscoat，tofetchhistrousersandnankeenspencer。

TodescribehowIvanNikiforovitchputonhistrousers，howtheywoundhisneckerchiefabouthisneck，andfinallydraggedonhisspencer，whichburstundertheleftsleeve，wouldbequitesuperfluous。Sufficeittosay，thatduringthewholeofthetimehepreservedabecomingcalmnessofdemeanour，andanswerednotawordtoAntonProkofievitch”spropositiontoexchangesomethingforhisTurkishtobacco-pouch。

Meanwhile，theassemblyawaitedwithimpatiencethedecisivemomentwhenIvanNikiforovitchshouldmakehisappearanceandatlengthcomplywiththegeneraldesirethattheseworthypeopleshouldbereconciledtoeachother。ManywerealmostconvincedthatIvanNikiforovitchwouldnotcome。Eventhechiefofpoliceofferedtobetwithone-eyedIvanIvanovitchthathewouldnotcome；andonlydesistedwhenone-eyedIvanIvanovitchdemandedthatheshouldwagerhislamefootagainsthisownbadeye，atwhichthechiefofpolicewasgreatlyoffended，andthecompanyenjoyedaquietlaugh。Noonehadyetsatdowntothetable，althoughitwaslongpasttwoo”clock，anhourbeforewhichinMirgorod，evenonceremonialoccasions，everyonehadalreadydined。

NosoonerdidAntonProkofievitchshowhimselfinthedoorway，thenhewasinstantlysurrounded。AntonProkofievitch，inanswertoallinquiries，shoutedtheall-decisivewords，“Hewillnotcome！“Nosoonerhadheutteredthemthanahailstormofreproaches，scoldings，and，possibly，evenfillipswereabouttodescenduponhisheadfortheillsuccessofhismission，whenallatoncethedooropened，and——IvanNikiforovitchentered。

IfSatanhimselforacorpsehadappeared，itwouldnothavecausedsuchconsternationamongstthecompanyasIvanNikiforovitch”sunexpectedarrivalcreated。ButAntonProkofievitchonlywentoffintoafitoflaughter，andheldhissideswithdelightathavingplayedsuchajokeuponthecompany。

Atallevents，itwasalmostpastthebeliefofallthatIvanNikiforovitchcould，insobriefaspaceoftime，haveattiredhimselflikearespectablegentleman。IvanIvanovitchwasnotthereatthemoment：hehadsteppedoutsomewhere。Recoveringfromtheiramazement，theguestsexpressedaninterestinIvanNikiforovitch”shealth，andtheirpleasureathisincreaseinbreadth。IvanNikiforovitchkissedeveryone，andsaid，“Verymuchobliged！“

Meantime，thefragranceofthebeet-soupwaswaftedthroughtheapartment，andtickledthenostrilsofthehungryguestsveryagreeably。Allrushedheadlongtotable。Thelineofladies，loquaciousandsilent，thinandstout，swepton，andthelongtablesoonglitteredwithallthehuesoftherainbow。Iwillnotdescribethecourses：Iwillmakenomentionofthecurddumplingswithsourcream，norofthedishofpig”sfrythatwasservedwiththesoup，noroftheturkeywithplumsandraisins，norofthedishwhichgreatlyresembledinappearanceabootsoakedinkvas，norofthesauce，whichistheswan”ssongoftheold-fashionedcook，norofthatotherdishwhichwasbroughtinallenvelopedintheflamesofspirit，andamusedaswellasfrightenedtheladiesextremely。Iwillsaynothingofthesedishes，becauseIliketoeatthembetterthantospendmanywordsindiscussingthem。

IvanIvanovitchwasexceedinglypleasedwiththefishdressedwithhorse-radish。Hedevotedhimselfespeciallytothisusefulandnourishingpreparation。Pickingoutallthefinebonesfromthefish，helaidthemonhisplate；andhappeningtoglanceacrossthetable——HeavenlyCreator；butthiswasstrange！OppositehimsatIvanNikiforovitch。

AttheverysameinstantIvanNikiforovitchglancedupalso——No，I

candonomore——Givemeafreshpenwithafinepointforthispicture！mineisflabby。Theirfacesseemedtoturntostonewhilststillretainingtheirdefiantexpression。Eachbeheldalongfamiliarface，towhichitshouldhaveseemedthemostnaturalofthingstostepup，involuntarily，astoanunexpectedfriend，andofferasnuff-box，withthewords，“Domethefavour，“or“DareIbegyoutodomethefavour？“Insteadofthis，thatfacewasterribleasaforerunnerofevil。TheperspirationpouredinstreamsfromIvanIvanovitchandIvanNikiforovitch。

Alltheguestsatthetablegrewdumbwithattention，andneveroncetooktheireyesofftheformerfriends。Theladies，whohadbeenbusyuptothattimeonasufficientlyinterestingdiscussionastothepreparationofcapons，suddenlycuttheirconversationshort。Allwassilence。Itwasapictureworthyofthebrushofagreatartist。

AtlengthIvanIvanovitchpulledouthishandkerchiefandbegantoblowhisnose；whilstIvanNikiforovitchglancedaboutandhiseyerestedontheopendoor。Thechiefofpoliceatonceperceivedthismovement，andorderedthedoortobefastened。Thenbothofthefriendsbegantoeat，andneveronceglancedateachotheragain。

Assoonasdinnerwasover，thetwoformerfriendsbothrosefromtheirseats，andbegantolookfortheirhats，withaviewtodeparture。Thenthechiefbeckoned；andIvanIvanovitch——notourIvanIvanovitch，buttheotherwiththeoneeye——gotbehindIvanNikiforovitch，andthechiefsteppedbehindIvanIvanovitch，andthetwobegantodragthembackwards，inordertobringthemtogether，andnotreleasethemtilltheyhadshakenhandswitheachother。IvanIvanovitch，theone-eyed，pushedIvanNikiforovitch，withtolerablesuccess，towardsthespotwherestoodIvanIvanovitch。Butthechiefofpolicedirectedhiscoursetoomuchtooneside，becausehecouldnotsteerhimselfwithhisrefractoryleg，whichobeyednoorderswhateveronthisoccasion，and，asifwithmaliceandaforethought，swungitselfuncommonlyfar，andinquitethecontrarydirection，possiblyfromthefactthattherehadbeenanunusualamountoffruitwineafterdinner，sothatIvanIvanovitchfelloveraladyinaredgown，whohadthrustherselfintotheverymidst，outofcuriosity。

Suchanomenforbodednogood。Nevertheless，thejudge，inordertosetthingstorights，tookthechiefofpolice”splace，and，sweepingallthesnufffromhisupperlipwithhisnose，pushedIvanIvanovitchintheoppositedirection。InMirgorodthisistheusualmannerofeffectingareconciliation：itsomewhatresemblesagameofball。AssoonasthejudgepushedIvanIvanovitch，IvanIvanovitchwiththeoneeyeexertedallhisstrength，andpushedIvanNikiforovitch，fromwhomtheperspirationstreamedlikerain-waterfromaroof。Inspiteofthefactthatthefriendsresistedtothebestoftheirability，theywereneverthelessbroughttogether，forthetwochiefmoversreceivedreinforcementsfromtheranksoftheirguests。

Thentheywerecloselysurroundedonallsides，nottobereleaseduntiltheyhaddecidedtogiveoneanothertheirhands。“Godbewithyou，IvanNikiforovitchandIvanIvanovitch！declareuponyourhonournow，thatwhatyouquarrelledaboutweremeretrifles，weretheynot？

AreyounotashamedofyourselvesbeforepeopleandbeforeGod？“

“Idonotknow，“saidIvanNikiforovitch，pantingwithfatigue，thoughitistobeobservedthathewasnotatalldisinclinedtoareconciliation，“IdonotknowwhatIdidtoIvanIvanovitch；butwhydidhedestroymycoopandplotagainstmylife？“

“Iaminnocentofanyevildesigns！“saidIvanIvanovitch，neverlookingatIvanNikiforovitch。“IswearbeforeGodandbeforeyou，honourablenoblemen，Ididnothingtomyenemy！Whydoeshecalumniatemeandinsultmyrankandfamily？“

“HowhaveIinsultedyou，IvanIvanovitch？“saidIvanNikiforovitch。

Onemomentmoreofexplanation，andthelongenmitywouldhavebeenextinguished。IvanNikiforovitchwasalreadyfeelinginhispocketforhissnuff-box，andwasabouttosay，“Domethefavour。”

“Isitnotaninsult，“answeredIvanIvanovitch，withoutraisinghiseyes，“whenyou，mydearsir，insultedmyhonourandmyfamilywithawordwhichitisimpropertorepeathere？“

“Permitmetoobserve，inafriendlymanner，IvanIvanovitch，“hereIvanNikiforovitchtouchedIvanIvanovitch”sbuttonwithhisfinger，whichclearlyindicatedthedispositionofhismind，“thatyoutookoffence，thedeuceonlyknowsatwhat，becauseIcalledyoua”goose””

ItoccurredtoIvanNikiforovitchthathehadmadeamistakeinutteringthatword；butitwastoolate：thewordwassaid。Everythingwenttothewinds。It，ontheutteranceofthiswordwithoutwitnesses，IvanIvanovitchlostcontrolofhimselfandflewintosuchapassionasGodpreserveusfrombeholdinganymanin，whatwastobeexpectednow？Iputittoyou，dearreaders，whatwastobeexpectednow，whenthefatalwordwasutteredinanassemblageofpersonsamongwhomwereladies，inwhosepresenceIvanIvanovitchlikedtobeparticularlypolite？IfIvanNikiforovitchhadsettoworkinanyothermanner，ifhehadonlysaidbirdandnotgoose，itmightstillhavebeenarranged，butallwasatanend。

HegaveonelookatIvanNikiforovitch，butsuchalook！Ifthatlookhadpossessedactivepower，thenitwouldhaveturnedIvanNikiforovitchintodust。Theguestsunderstoodthelookandhastenedtoseparatethem。Andthisman，theverymodelofgentleness，whoneverletasinglepoorwomangobywithoutinterrogatingher，rushedoutinafearfulrage。Suchviolentstormsdopassionsproduce！

ForawholemonthnothingwasheardofIvanIvanovitch。Heshuthimselfupathome。Hisancestralchestwasopened，andfromitweretakensilverrubles，hisgrandfather”soldsilverrubles！Andtheserublespassedintotheink-stainedhandsoflegaladvisers。Thecasewassentuptothehighercourt；andwhenIvanIvanovitchreceivedthejoyfulnewsthatitwouldbedecidedonthemorrow，thenonlydidhelookoutupontheworldandresolvetoemergefromhishouse。Alas！

fromthattimeforththecouncilgavenoticedaybydaythatthecasewouldbefinishedonthemorrow，forthespaceoftenyears。

Fiveyearsago，IpassedthroughthetownofMirgorod。Icameatabadtime。Itwasautumn，withitsdamp，melancholyweather，mudandmists。

Anunnaturalverdure，theresultofincessantrains，coveredwithawaterynetworkthefieldsandmeadows，towhichitisaswellsuitedasyouthfulprankstoanoldman，orrosestoanoldwoman。Theweathermadeadeepimpressiononmeatthetime：whenitwasdull，I

wasdull；butinspiteofthis，whenIcametopassthroughMirgorod，myheartbeatviolently。God，whatreminiscences！IhadnotseenMirgorodfortwentyyears。Herehadlived，intouchingfriendship，twoinseparablefriends。Andhowmanyprominentpeoplehaddied！JudgeDemyanDemyanovitchwasalreadygone：IvanIvanovitch，withtheoneeye，hadlongceasedtolive。