第5章
VALENTINE。What"sthat？Eh？
McCOMAS。Heallegesthatyoudruggedhim，Mr。Valentine。
VALENTINE。SoIdid。(Theyareastonished。)
McCOMAS。Butwhatdidyoudothatfor？
DOLLY。Fiveshillingsextra。
McCOMAS(toDolly，short-temperedly)。Imustreallyaskyou，MissClandon，nottointerruptthisveryseriousconversationwithirrelevantinterjections。(Vehemently。)Iinsistonhavingearnestmattersearnestlyandreverentlydiscussed。(Thisoutburstproducesanapologeticsilence，andputsMcComashimselfoutofcountenance。Hecoughs，andstartsafresh，addressinghimselftoGloria。)MissClandon:
itismydutytotellyouthatyourfatherhasalsopersuadedhimselfthatMr。Valentinewishestomarryyou——
VALENTINE(interposingadroitly)。Ido。
McCOMAS(offended)。Inthatcase，sir，youmustnotbesurprisedtofindyourselfregardedbytheyounglady"sfatherasafortunehunter。
VALENTINE。SoIam。DoyouexpectmywifetoliveonwhatIearn？
ten-penceaweek!
McCOMAS(revolted)。Ihavenothingmoretosay，sir。IshallreturnandtellMr。Cramptonthatthisfamilyisnoplaceforafather。(Hemakesforthedoor。)
MRS。CLANDON(withquietauthority)。Finch!(Hehalts。)IfMr。
Valentinecannotbeserious，youcan。Sitdown。(McComas，afterabriefstrugglebetweenhisdignityandhisfriendship，succumbs，seatinghimselfthistimemidwaybetweenDollyandMrs。Clandon。)Youknowthatallthisisamadeupcase——thatFergusdoesnotbelieveinitanymorethanyoudo。Nowgivemeyourrealadvice——yoursincere，friendlyadvice:youknowIhavealwaystrustedyourjudgment。Ipromiseyouthechildrenwillbequiet。
McCOMAS(resigninghimself)。Well，well!WhatIwanttosayisthis。Intheoldarrangementwithyourhusband，Mrs。Clandon，youhadhimataterribledisadvantage。
MRS。CLANDON。Howso，pray？
McCOMAS。Well，youwereanadvancedwoman，accustomedtodefypublicopinion，andwithnoregardforwhattheworldmightsayofyou。
MRS。CLANDON(proudofit)。Yes:thatistrue。(Gloria，behindthechair，stoopsandkisseshermother"shair，ademonstrationwhichdisconcertsherextremely。)
McCOMAS。Ontheotherhand，Mrs。Clandon，yourhusbandhadagreathorrorofanythinggettingintothepapers。Therewashisbusinesstobeconsidered，aswellastheprejudicesofanold-fashionedfamily。
MRS。CLANDON。Nottomentionhisownprejudices。
McCOMAS。Nownodoubthebehavedbadly，Mrs。Clandon——
MRS。CLANDON(scornfully)。Nodoubt。
McCOMAS。Butwasitaltogetherhisfault？
MRS。CLANDON。Wasitmine？
McCOMAS(hastily)。No。Ofcoursenot。
GLORIA(observinghimattentively)。Youdonotmeanthat，Mr。
McComas。
McCOMAS。Mydearyounglady，youpickmeupverysharply。Butletmejustputthistoyou。Whenamanmakesanunsuitablemarriage(nobody"sfault，youknow，butpurelyaccidentalincompatibilityoftastes)；whenheisdeprivedbythatmisfortuneofthedomesticsympathywhich，Itakeit，iswhatamanmarriesfor；wheninshort，hiswifeisratherworsethannowifeatall(throughnofaultofhisown，ofcourse)，isittobewonderedatifhemakesmattersworseatfirstbyblamingher，andeven，inhisdesperation，byoccasionallydrinkinghimselfintoaviolentconditionorseekingsympathyelsewhere？
MRS。CLANDON。Ididnotblamehim:Isimplyrescuedmyselfandthechildrenfromhim。
McCOMAS。Yes:butyoumadehardterms，Mrs。Clandon。Youhadhimatyourmercy:youbroughthimtohiskneeswhenyouthreatenedtomakethematterpublicbyapplyingtotheCourtsforajudicialseparation。
Supposehehadhadthatpoweroveryou，andusedittotakeyourchildrenawayfromyouandbringthemupinignoranceofyourveryname，howwouldyoufeel？whatwouldyoudo？Well，won"tyoumakesomeallowanceforhisfeelings？——incommonhumanity。
MRS。CLANDON。Ineverdiscoveredhisfeelings。Idiscoveredhistemper，andhis——(sheshivers)therestofhiscommonhumanity。
McCOMAS(wistfully)。Womencanbeveryhard，Mrs。Clandon。
VALENTINE。That"strue。
GLORIA(angrily)。Besilent。(Hesubsides。)
McCOMAS(rallyingallhisforces)。Letmemakeonelastappeal。
Mrs。Clandon:believeme，therearemenwhohaveagooddealoffeeling，andkindfeeling，too，whichtheyarenotabletoexpress。WhatyoumissinCramptonisthatmereveneerofcivilization，theartofshewingworthlessattentionsandpayinginsincerecomplimentsinakindly，charmingway。IfyoulivedinLondon，wherethewholesystemisoneoffalsegood-fellowship，andyoumayknowamanfortwentyyearswithoutfindingoutthathehatesyoulikepoison，youwouldsoonhaveyoureyesopened。Therewedounkindthingsinakindway:wesaybitterthingsinasweetvoice:wealwaysgiveourfriendschloroformwhenwetearthemtopieces。Butthinkoftheothersideofit!Thinkofthepeoplewhodokindthingsinanunkindway——peoplewhosetouchhurts，whosevoicesjar，whosetempersplaythemfalse，whowoundandworrythepeopletheyloveintheveryactoftryingtoconciliatethem，andyetwhoneedaffectionasmuchastherestofus。Cramptonhasanabominabletemper，Iadmit。Hehasnomanners，notact，nograce。
He"llneverbeabletogainanyone"saffectionunlesstheywilltakehisdesireforitontrust。Ishetohavenone——notevenpity——fromhisownfleshandblood？
DOLLY(quitemelted)。Oh，howbeautiful，Finch!Howniceofyou!
PHILIP(withconviction)。Finch:thisiseloquence——positiveeloquence。
DOLLY。Oh，mamma，letusgivehimanotherchance。Letushavehimtodinner。
MRS。CLANDON(unmoved)。No，Dolly:Ihardlygotanylunch。MydearFinch:thereisnottheleastuseintalkingtomeaboutFergus。Youhaveneverbeenmarriedtohim:Ihave。
McCOMAS(toGloria)。MissClandon:Ihavehithertorefrainedfromappealingtoyou，because，ifwhatMr。Cramptontoldmetobetrue，youhavebeenmoremercilesseventhanyourmother。
GLORIA(defiantly)。Youappealfromherstrengthtomyweakness!
McCOMAS。Notyourweakness，MissClandon。Iappealfromherintellecttoyourheart。
GLORIA。Ihavelearnttomistrustmyheart。(WithanangryglanceatValentine。)IwouldtearmyheartandthrowitawayifIcould。Myanswertoyouismymother"sanswer。(ShegoestoMrs。Clandon，andstandswithherarmabouther；butMrs。Clandon，unabletoendurethissortofdemonstrativeness，disengagesherselfassoonasshecanwithouthurtingGloria"sfeelings。)
McCOMAS(defeated)。Well，Iamverysorry——verysorry。Ihavedonemybest。(Herisesandpreparestogo，deeplydissatisfied。)
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhatdidyouexpect，Finch？Whatdoyouwantustodo？
McCOMAS。ThefirststepforbothyouandCramptonistoobtaincounsel"sopinionastowhetherheisboundbythedeedofseparationornot。Nowwhynotobtainthisopinionatonce，andhaveafriendlymeeting(herfacehardens)——orshallwesayaneutralmeeting？——tosettlethedifficulty——here——inthishotel——to-night？Whatdoyousay？
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhereisthecounsel"sopiniontocomefrom？
McCOMAS。Ithasdroppeddownonusoutoftheclouds。OnmywaybackherefromCrampton"sImetamosteminentQ。C。，amanwhomI
briefedinthecasethatmadehisnameforhim。HehascomedownherefromSaturdaytoMondayfortheseaair，andtovisitarelativeofhiswholiveshere。HehasbeengoodenoughtosaythatifIcanarrangeameetingofthepartieshewillcomeandhelpuswithhisopinion。Nowdoletusseizethischanceofaquietfriendlyfamilyadjustment。LetmebringmyfriendhereandtrytopersuadeCramptontocome，too。
Come:consent。
MRS。CLANDON(ratherominously，afteramoment"sconsideration)。
Finch:Idon"twantcounsel"sopinion，becauseIintendtobeguidedbymyownopinion。Idon"twanttomeetFergusagain，becauseIdon"tlikehim，anddon"tbelievethemeetingwilldoanygood。However(rising)，youhavepersuadedthechildrenthatheisnotquitehopeless。Doasyouplease。
McCOMAS(takingherhandandshakingit)。Thankyou，Mrs。Clandon。
Willnineo"clocksuityou？
MRS。CLANDON。Perfectly。Phil:willyouring，please。(Philringsthebell。)ButifIamtobeaccusedofconspiringwithMr。Valentine，Ithinkhehadbetterbepresent。
VALENTINE(rising)。Iquiteagreewithyou。Ithinkit"smostimportant。
McCOMAS。Therecanbenoobjectiontothat，Ithink。Ihavethegreatesthopesofahappysettlement。Good-byeforthepresent。(Hegoesout，meetingthewaiter；whoholdsthedoorforhimtopassthrough。)
MRS。CLANDON。Weexpectsomevisitorsatnine，William。Canwehavedinneratseveninsteadofhalf-past？
WAITER(atthedoor)。Seven，ma"am？Certainly，ma"am。Itwillbeaconveniencetousthisbusyevening，ma"am。Therewillbethebandandthearrangingofthefairylightsandonethingoranother，ma"am。
DOLLY。Thefairylights!
PHILIP。Theband!William:whatmeanyou？
WAITER。Thefancyball，miss——
DOLLYandPHILIP(simultaneouslyrushingtohim)。Fancyball!
WAITER。Oh，yes，sir。GivenbytheregattacommitteeforthebenefitoftheLife-boat，sir。(ToMrs。Clandon。)Weoftenhavethem，ma"am:Chineselanternsinthegarden，ma"am:verybrightandpleasant，verygayandinnocentindeed。(ToPhil。)Ticketsdownstairsattheoffice，sir，fiveshillings:ladieshalfpriceifaccompaniedbyagentleman。
PHILIP(seizinghisarmtodraghimoff)。Totheoffice，William!
DOLLY(breathlessly，seizinghisotherarm)。Quick，beforethey"reallsold。(Theyrushhimoutoftheroombetweenthem。)
MRS。CLANDON。Whatoneartharetheygoingtodo？(Goingout。)I
reallymustgoandstopthis——(Shefollowsthem，speakingasshedisappears。GloriastarescoollyatValentine，andthendeliberatelylooksatherwatch。)
VALENTINE。Iunderstand。I"vestayedtoolong。I"mgoing。
GLORIA(withdisdainfulpunctiliousness)。Ioweyousomeapology，Mr。Valentine。Iamconsciousofhavingspokensomewhatsharply——
perhapsrudely——toyou。
VALENTINE。Notatall。
GLORIA。Myonlyexcuseisthatitisverydifficulttogiveconsiderationandrespectwhenthereisnodignityofcharacterontheothersidetocommandit。
VALENTINE(prosaically)。Howisamantolookdignifiedwhenhe"sinfatuated？
GLORIA(effectuallyunstilted)。Don"tsaythosethingstome。I
forbidyou。Theyareinsults。
VALENTINE。No:they"reonlyfollies。Ican"thelpthem。
GLORIA。Ifyouwerereallyinlove，itwouldnotmakeyoufoolish:
itwouldgiveyoudignity——earnestness——evenbeauty。
VALENTINE。Doyoureallythinkitwouldmakemebeautiful？(Sheturnsherbackonhimwiththecoldestcontempt。)Ah，youseeyou"renotinearnest。Lovecan"tgiveanymannewgifts。Itcanonlyheightenthegiftshewasbornwith。
GLORIA(sweepingroundathimagain)。Whatgiftswereyoubornwith，pray？
VALENTINE。Lightnessofheart。
GLORIA。Andlightnessofhead，andlightnessoffaith，andlightnessofeverythingthatmakesaman。
VALENTINE。Yes，thewholeworldislikeafeatherdancinginthelightnow；andGloriaisthesun。(Sherearsherheadangrily。)Ibegyourpardon:I"moff。Backatnine。Good-bye。(Herunsoffgaily，leavingherstandinginthemiddleoftheroomstaringafterhim。)
ENDOFACTIII
ActIV
Thesameroom。Nineo"clock。Nobodypresent。Thelampsarelighted；butthecurtainsarenotdrawn。Thewindowstandswideopen；
andstringsofChineselanternsareglowingamongthetreesoutside，withthestarryskybeyond。Thebandisplayingdance-musicinthegarden，drowningthesoundofthesea。
Thewaiterenters，shewinginCramptonandMcComas。Cramptonlookscowedandanxious。Hesitsdownwearilyandtimidlyontheottoman。
WAITER。Theladieshavegoneforaturnthroughthegroundstoseethefancydresses，sir。Ifyouwillbesogoodastotakeseats，gentlemen，Ishalltellthem。(HeisabouttogointothegardenthroughthewindowwhenMcComasstopshim。)
McCOMAS。Onemoment。Ifanothergentlemancomes，shewhiminwithoutanydelay:weareexpectinghim。
WAITER。Right，sir。Whatname，sir？
McCOMAS。Boon。Mr。Boon。HeisastrangertoMrs。Clandon；sohemaygiveyouacard。Ifso，thenameisspeltB。O。H。U。N。Youwillnotforget。
WAITER(smiling)。Youmaydependonmeforthat，sir。MyownnameisBoon，sir，thoughIambestknowndownhereasBalmyWalters，sir。
ByrightsIshouldspellitwiththeaitchyou，sir；butIthinkitbestnottotakethatliberty，sir。ThereisNormanbloodinit，sir；andNormanbloodisnotarecommendationtoawaiter。
McCOMAS。Well，well:"Trueheartsaremorethancoronets，andsimplefaiththanNormanblood。"
WAITER。Thatdependsagooddealonone"sstationinlife，sir。Ifyouwereawaiter，sir，you"dfindthatsimplefaithwouldleaveyoujustasshortasNormanblood。IfinditbesttospellmyselfB。
double-O。N。，andtokeepmywitsprettysharpaboutme。ButI"mtakingupyourtime，sir。You"llexcuseme，sir:yourownfaultforbeingsoaffable，sir。I"lltelltheladiesyou"rehere，sir。(Hegoesoutintothegardenthroughthewindow。)
McCOMAS。Crampton:Icandependonyou，can"tI？
CRAMPTON。Yes，yes。I"llbequiet。I"llbepatient。I"lldomybest。
McCOMAS。Remember:I"venotgivenyouaway。I"vetoldthemitwasalltheirfault。
CRAMPTON。Youtoldmethatitwasallmyfault。
McCOMAS。Itoldyouthetruth。
CRAMPTON(plaintively)。Iftheywillonlybefairtome!
McCOMAS。MydearCrampton，theywon"tbefairtoyou:it"snottobeexpectedfromthemattheirage。Ifyou"regoingtomakeimpossibleconditionsofthiskind，wemayaswellgobackhomeatonce。
CRAMPTON。ButsurelyIhavearight——
McCOMAS(intolerantly)。Youwon"tgetyourrights。Now，onceforall，Crampton，didyourpromisesofgoodbehavioronlymeanthatyouwon"tcomplainifthere"snothingtocomplainof？Because，ifso——
(Hemovesasiftogo。)
CRAMPTON(miserably)。No，no:letmealone，can"tyou？I"vebeenbulliedenough:I"vebeentormentedenough。ItellyouI"lldomybest。Butifthatgirlbeginstotalktomelikethatandtolookatmelike——(Hebreaksoffandburieshisheadinhishands。)
McCOMAS(relenting)。There，there:it"llbeallright，ifyouwillonlybearandforbear。Come，pullyourselftogether:there"ssomeonecoming。(Crampton，toodejectedtocaremuch，hardlychangeshisattitude。Gloriaentersfromthegarden；McComasgoestomeetheratthewindow；sothathecanspeaktoherwithoutbeingheardbyCrampton。)Thereheis，MissClandon。Bekindtohim。I"llleaveyouwithhimforamoment。(Hegoesintothegarden。Gloriacomesinandstrollscoollydownthemiddleoftheroom。)
CRAMPTON(lookingroundinalarm)。Where"sMcComas？
GLORIA(listlessly，butnotunsympathetically)。Goneout——toleaveustogether。Delicacyonhispart，Isuppose。(Shestopsbesidehimandlooksquaintlydownathim。)Well，father？
CRAMPTON(aquaintjocositybreakingthroughhisforlornness)。Well，daughter？(Theylookatoneanotherforamoment，withamelancholysenseofhumor。)
GLORIA。Shakehands。(Theyshakehands。)
CRAMPTON(holdingherhand)。Mydear:I"mafraidIspokeveryimproperlyofyourmotherthisafternoon。
GLORIA。Oh，don"tapologize。Iwasveryhighandmightymyself；butI"vecomedownsince:oh，yes:I"vebeenbroughtdown。(Shesitsonthefloorbesidehischair。)
CRAMPTON。Whathashappenedtoyou，mychild？
GLORIA。Oh，nevermind。Iwasplayingthepartofmymother"sdaughterthen；butI"mnot:I"mmyfather"sdaughter。(Lookingathimfunnily。)That"sacomedown，isn"tit？
CRAMPTON(angry)。What!(Heroddexpressiondoesnotalter。Hesurrenders。)Well，yes，mydear:Isupposeitis，Isupposeitis。
(Shenodssympathetically。)I"mafraidI"msometimesalittleirritable；butIknowwhat"srightandreasonableallthetime，evenwhenIdon"tactonit。Canyoubelievethat？
GLORIA。Believeit!Why，that"smyself——myselfallover。Iknowwhat"srightanddignifiedandstrongandnoble，justaswellasshedoes；butoh，thethingsIdo!thethingsIdo!thethingsIletotherpeopledo!!
CRAMPTON(alittlegrudginglyinspiteofhimself)。Aswellasshedoes？Youmeanyourmother？
GLORIA(quickly)。Yes，mother。(Sheturnstohimonherkneesandseizeshishands。)Nowlisten。Notreasontoher:noword，nothoughtagainsther。Sheisoursuperior——yoursandmine——highheavensaboveus。Isthatagreed？
CRAMPTON。Yes，yes。Justasyouplease，mydear。
GLORIA(notsatisfied，lettinggohishandsanddrawingbackfromhim)。Youdon"tlikeher？
CRAMPTON。Mychild:youhaven"tbeenmarriedtoher。Ihave。(Sheraisesherselfslowlytoherfeet，lookingathimwithgrowingcoldness。)Shedidmeagreatwronginmarryingmewithoutreallycaringforme。Butafterthat，thewrongwasallonmyside，Idaresay。(Heoffersherhishandagain。)
GLORIA(takingitfirmlyandwarningly)。Takecare。That"sadangeroussubject。Myfeelings——mymiserable，cowardly，womanlyfeelings——maybeonyourside；butmyconscienceisonhers。
CRAMPTON。I"mverywellcontentwiththatdivision，mydear。Thankyou。(Valentinearrives。Gloriaimmediatelybecomesdeliberatelyhaughty。)
VALENTINE。Excuseme；butit"simpossibletofindaservanttoannounceone:eventheneverfailingWilliamseemstobeattheball。I
shouldhavegonemyself；onlyIhaven"tfiveshillingstobuyaticket。
Howareyougettingon，Crampton？Better，eh？
CRAMPTON。Iammyselfagain，Mr。Valentine，nothankstoyou。
VALENTINE。Lookatthisungratefulparentofyours，MissClandon!I
savedhimfromanexcruciatingpang；andherevilesme!
GLORIA(coldly)。Iamsorrymymotherisnotheretoreceiveyou，Mr。Valentine。Itisnotquitenineo"clock；andthegentlemanofwhomMr。McComasspoke，thelawyer，isnotyetcome。
VALENTINE。Oh，yes，heis。I"vemethimandtalkedtohim。(Withgaymalice。)You"lllikehim，MissClandon:he"stheveryincarnationofintellect。Youcanhearhismindworking。
GLORIA(ignoringthejibe)。Whereishe？
VALENTINE。Boughtafalsenoseandgoneintothefancyball。
CRAMPTON(crustily，lookingathiswatch)。Itseemsthateverybodyhasgonetothisfancyballinsteadofkeepingtoourappointmenthere。
VALENTINE。Oh，he"llcomeallrightenough:thatwashalfanhourago。Ididn"tliketoborrowfiveshillingsfromhimandgoinwithhim；soIjoinedthemobandlookedthroughtherailingsuntilMissClandondisappearedintothehotelthroughthewindow。
GLORIA。Soithascometothis，thatyoufollowmeaboutinpublictostareatme。
VALENTINE。Yes:somebodyoughttochainmeup。
Gloriaturnsherbackonhimandgoestothefireplace。Hetakesthesnubveryphilosophically，andgoestotheoppositesideoftheroom。
Thewaiterappearsatthewindow，usheringinMrs。ClandonandMcComas。
MRS。CLANDON(hurryingin)。Iamsosorrytohavekeptyouwaiting。
Agrotesquelymajesticstranger，inadominoandfalsenose，withgoggles，appearsatthewindow。
WAITER(tothestranger)。Begpardon，sir；butthisisaprivateapartment，sir。Ifyouwillallowme，sir，IwillshewyoutotheAmericanbarandsupperrooms，sir。Thisway，sir。
Hegoesintothegardens，leadingthewayundertheimpressionthatthestrangerisfollowinghim。Themajesticone，however，comesstraightintotheroomtotheendofthetable，where，withimpressivedeliberation，hetakesoffthefalsenoseandthenthedomino，rollingupthenoseintothedominoandthrowingthebundleonthetablelikeachampionthrowingdownhisglove。Heisnowseentobeastout，tallmanbetweenfortyandfifty，cleanshaven，withamidnightoilpalloremphasizedbystiffblackhair，croppedshortandoiled，andeyebrowslikeearlyVictorianhorsehairupholstery。Physicallyandspiritually，acoarsenedman:incunningandlogic，aruthlesslysharpenedone。Hisbearingasheentersissufficientlyimposinganddisquieting；butwhenhespeaks，hispowerful，menacingvoice，impressivelyarticulatedspeech，stronginexorablemanner，andaterrifyingpowerofintenselycriticallisteningraisetheimpressionproducedbyhimtoabsolutetremendousness。
THESTRANGER。MynameisBohun。(Generalawe。)HaveIthehonorofaddressingMrs。Clandon？(Mrs。Clandonbows。Bohunbows。)MissClandon？(Gloriabows。Bohunbows。)Mr。Clandon？
CRAMPTON(insistingonhisrightfulnameasangrilyashedares)。MynameisCrampton，sir。
BOHUN。Oh，indeed。(PassinghimoverwithoutfurthernoticeandturningtoValentine。)AreyouMr。Clandon？
VALENTINE(makingitapointofhonornottobeimpressedbyhim)。
DoIlooklikeit？MynameisValentine。Ididthedrugging。
BOHUN。Ah，quiteso。ThenMr。Clandonhasnotyetarrived？
WAITER(enteringanxiouslythroughthewindow)。Begpardon，ma"am；
butcanyoutellmewhatbecameofthat——(HerecognizesBohun，andlosesallhisself-possession。Bohunwaitsrigidlyforhimtopullhimselftogether。Afterapatheticexhibitionofconfusion，herecovershimselfsufficientlytoaddressBohunweaklybutcoherently。)Begpardon，sir，I"msure，sir。Was——wasityou，sir？
BOHUN(ruthlessly)。ItwasI。
WAITER(brokenly)。Yes，sir。(Unabletorestrainhistears。)Youinafalsenose，Walter!(Hesinksfaintlyintoachairatthetable。)
Ibegpardon，ma"am，I"msure。Alittlegiddiness——
BOHUN(commandingly)。Youwillexcusehim，Mrs。Clandon，whenI
informyouthatheismyfather。
WAITER(heartbroken)。Oh，no，no，Walter。Awaiterforyourfatheronthetopofafalsenose!Whatwilltheythinkofyou？
MRS。CLANDON(goingtothewaiter"schairinherkindestmanner)。I
amdelightedtohearit，Mr。Bohun。Yourfatherhasbeenanexcellentfriendtoussincewecamehere。(Bohunbowsgravely。)
WAITER(shakinghishead)。Oh，no，ma"am。It"sverykindofyou——
veryladylikeandaffableindeed，ma"am；butIshouldfeelatagreatdisadvantageoffmyownproperfooting。Nevermindmybeingthegentleman"sfather，ma"am:itisonlytheaccidentofbirthafterall，ma"am。(Hegetsupfeebly。)You"llallexcuseme，I"msure，havinginterruptedyourbusiness。(Hebeginstomakehiswayalongthetable，supportinghimselffromchairtochair，withhiseyeonthedoor。)
BOHUN。Onemoment。(Thewaiterstops，withasinkingheart。)Myfatherwasawitnessofwhatpassedto-day，washenot，Mrs。Clandon？
MRS。CLANDON。Yes，mostofit，Ithink。
BOHUN。Inthatcaseweshallwanthim。
WAITER(pleading)。Ihopeitmaynotbenecessary，sir。Busyeveningforme，sir，withthatball:verybusyeveningindeed，sir。
BOHUN(inexorably)。Weshallwantyou。
MRS。CLANDON(politely)。Sitdown，won"tyou？
WAITER(earnestly)。Oh，ifyouplease，ma"am，Ireallymustdrawthelineatsittingdown。Icouldn"tletmyselfbeseendoingsuchathing，ma"am:thankyou，Iamsure，allthesame。(Helooksroundfromfacetofacewretchedly，withanexpressionthatwouldmeltaheartofstone。)
GLORIA。Don"tletuswastetime。Williamonlywantstogoontakingcareofus。Ishouldlikeacupofcoffee。
WAITER(brighteningperceptibly)。Coffee，miss？(Hegivesalittlegaspofhope。)Certainly，miss。Thankyou，miss:verytimely，miss，verythoughtfulandconsiderateindeed。(ToMrs。Clandon，timidlybutexpectantly。)Anythingforyou，ma"am？
MRS。CLANDONEr——oh，yes:it"ssohot，Ithinkwemighthaveajugofclaretcup。
WAITER(beaming)。Claretcup，ma"am!Certainly，ma"am。
GLORIAOh，wellI"llhaveaclaretcupinsteadofcoffee。Putsomecucumberinit。
WAITER(delighted)。Cucumber，miss!yes，miss。(ToBohun。)
Anythingspecialforyou，sir？Youdon"tlikecucumber，sir。
BOHUN。IfMrs。Clandonwillallowme——syphon——Scotch。
WAITER。Right，sir。(ToCrampton。)Irishforyou，sir，Ithink，sir？(Cramptonassentswithagrunt。ThewaiterlooksenquiringlyatValentine。)
VALENTINE。Ilikethecucumber。
WAITER。Right，sir。(Summingup。)Claretcup，syphon，oneScotchandoneIrish？
MRS。CLANDON。Ithinkthat"sright。
WAITER(perfectlyhappy)。Right，ma"am。Directly，ma"am。Thankyou。(Heamblesoffthroughthewindow，havingsoundedthewholegamutofhumanhappiness，fromthebottomtothetop，inalittleovertwominutes。)
McCOMAS。Wecanbeginnow，Isuppose？
BOHUN。WehadbetterwaituntilMrs。Clandon"shusbandarrives。
CRAMPTON。Whatd"y"mean？I"mherhusband。
BOHUN(instantlypouncingontheinconsistencybetweenthisandhispreviousstatement)。YousaidjustnowyournamewasCrampton。
CRAMPTON。Soitis。
MRS。CLANDON}(allfour{I——
GLORIA}speaking{My——
McCOMAS}simul-{Mrs——
VALENTINE}taneously)。{You——
BOHUN(drowningthemintwothunderouswords)。Onemoment。(Deadsilence。)Prayallowme。Sitdowneverybody。(Theyobeyhumbly。
Gloriatakesthesaddle-bagchaironthehearth。Valentineslipsaroundtohersideoftheroomandsitsontheottomanfacingthewindow，sothathecanlookather。CramptonsitsontheottomanwithhisbacktoValentine"s。Mrs。Clandon，whohasallalongkeptattheoppositesideoftheroominordertoavoidCramptonasmuchaspossible，sitsnearthedoor，withMcComasbesideheronherleft。Bohunplaceshimselfmagisteriallyinthecentreofthegroup，nearthecornerofthetableonMrs。Clandon"sside。Whentheyaresettled，hefixesCramptonwithhiseye，andbegins。)Inthisfamily，itappears，thehusband"snameisCrampton:thewife"sClandon。Thuswehaveontheverythresholdofthecaseanelementofconfusion。
VALENTINE(gettingupandspeakingacrosstohimwithonekneeontheottoman)。Butit"sperfectlysimple。
BOHUN(annihilatinghimwithavocalthunderbolt)。Itis。Mrs。
Clandonhasadoptedanothername。ThatistheobviousexplanationwhichyoufearedIcouldnotfindoutformyself。Youmistrustmyintelligence，Mr。Valentine——(Stoppinghimasheisabouttoprotest。)
No:Idon"twantyoutoanswerthat:Iwantyoutothinkoveritwhenyoufeelyournextimpulsetointerruptme。
VALENTINE(dazed)。Thisissimplybreakingabutterflyonawheel。
Whatdoesitmatter？(Hesitsdownagain。)
BOHUN。Iwilltellyouwhatitmatters，sir。Itmattersthatifthisfamilydifferenceistobesmoothedoverasweallhopeitmaybe，Mrs。Clandon，asamatterofsocialconvenienceanddecency，willhavetoresumeherhusband"sname。(Mrs。Clandonassumesanexpressionofthemostdeterminedobstinacy。)OrelseMr。CramptonwillhavetocallhimselfMr。Clandon。(Cramptonlooksindomitablyresolvedtodonothingofthesort。)Nodoubtyouthinkthataneasymatter，Mr。Valentine。
(HelookspointedlyatMrs。Clandon，thenatCrampton。)Idifferfromyou。(Hethrowshimselfbackinhischair，frowningheavily。)
McCOMAS(timidly)。Ithink，Bohun，wehadperhapsbetterdisposeoftheimportantquestionsfirst。
BOHUN。McComas:therewillbenodifficultyabouttheimportantquestions。Thereneveris。Itisthetriflesthatwillwreckyouattheharbormouth。(McComaslooksasifheconsideredthisaparadox。)
Youdon"tagreewithme，eh？
McCOMAS(flatteringly)。IfIdid——
BOHUN(interruptinghim)。Ifyoudid，youwouldbeme，insteadofbeingwhatyouare。
McCOMAS(fawningonhim)。Ofcourse，Bohun，yourspecialty——
BOHUN(againinterruptinghim)。Myspecialtyisbeingrightwhenotherpeoplearewrong。IfyouagreedwithmeIshouldbeofnousehere。(Henodsathimtodrivethepointhome；thenturnssuddenlyandforciblyonCrampton。)Nowyou，Mr。Crampton:whatpointinthisbusinesshaveyoumostatheart？
CRAMPTON(beginningslowly)。Iwishtoputallconsiderationsofselfasideinthismatter——
BOHUN(interruptinghim)。Sodoweall，Mr。Crampton。(ToMrs。
Clandon。)Youwishtoputselfaside，Mrs。Clandon？
MRS。CLANDON。Yes:Iamnotconsultingmyownfeelingsinbeinghere。
BOHUN。Sodoyou，MissClandon？
GLORIA。Yes。
BOHUN。Ithoughtso。Wealldo。
VALENTINE。Exceptme。Myaimsareselfish。
BOHUN。That"sbecauseyouthinkanimpressionofsinceritywillproduceabettereffectonMissClandonthananimpressionofdisinterestedness。(Valentine，utterlydismantledanddestroyedbythisjustremark，takesrefugeinafeeble，speechlesssmile。Bohun，satisfiedathavingnoweffectuallycrushedallrebellion，throwshimselfbackinhischair，withanairofbeingpreparedtolistentolerantlytotheirgrievances。)Now，Mr。Crampton，goon。It"sunderstoodthatselfisputaside。Humannaturealwaysbeginsbysayingthat。
CRAMPTON。ButImeanit，sir。
BOHUN。Quiteso。Nowforyourpoint。
CRAMPTON。Everyreasonablepersonwilladmitthatit"sanunselfishone——thechildren。
BOHUN。Well？Whataboutthechildren？
CRAMPTON(withemotion)。Theyhave——
BOHUN(pouncingforwardagain)。Stop。You"regoingtotellmeaboutyourfeelings，Mr。Crampton。Don"t:Isympathizewiththem；butthey"renotmybusiness。Tellusexactlywhatyouwant:that"swhatwehavetogetat。
CRAMPTON(uneasily)。It"saverydifficultquestiontoanswer，Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN。Come:I"llhelpyouout。Whatdoyouobjecttointhepresentcircumstancesofthechildren？
CRAMPTON。Iobjecttothewaytheyhavebeenbroughtup。
BOHUN。Howdoyouproposetoalterthatnow？
CRAMPTON。Ithinktheyoughttodressmorequietly。
VALENTINE。Nonsense。
BOHUN(instantlyflinginghimselfbackinhischair，outragedbytheinterruption)。Whenyouaredone，Mr。Valentine——whenyouarequitedone。
VALENTINE。What"swrongwithMissClandon"sdress？
CRAMPTON(hotlytoValentine)。Myopinionisasgoodasyours。
GLORIA(warningly)。Father!
CRAMPTON(subsidingpiteously)。Ididn"tmeanyou，mydear。
(PleadingearnestlytoBohun。)Butthetwoyoungerones!youhavenotseenthem，Mr。Bohun；andindeedIthinkyouwouldagreewithmethatthereissomethingverynoticeable，somethingalmostgayandfrivolousintheirstyleofdressing。
MRS。CLANDON(impatiently)。DoyousupposeIchoosetheirclothesforthem？Reallythisischildish。
CRAMPTON(furious，rising)。Childish!(Mrs。Clandonrisesindignantly。)
McCOMAS}(allris-}Crampton，youpromised——
VALENTINE}ingand}Ridiculous。Theydress}speaking}charmingly。
GLORIA}together)。}Prayletusbehavereasonably。
Tumult。Suddenlytheyhearachimeofglassesintheroombehindthem。Theyturninsilentsurpriseandfindthatthewaiterhasjustcomebackfromthebarinthegarden，andisjinglinghistraywarninglyashecomessoftlytothetablewithit。
WAITER(toCrampton，settingatumblerapartonthetable)。Irishforyou，sir。(Cramptonsitsdownalittleshamefacedly。Thewaitersetsanothertumblerandasyphonapart，sayingtoBohun)Scotchandsyphonforyou，sir。(Bohunwaveshishandimpatiently。Thewaiterplacesalargeglassjuginthemiddle。)Andclaretcup。(Allsubsideintotheirseats。Peacereigns。)
MRS。CLANDON(humblytoBohun)。Iamafraidweinterruptedyou，Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN(calmly)。Youdid。(Tothewaiter，whoisgoingout。)Justwaitabit。
WAITER。Yes，sir。Certainly，sir。(HetakeshisstandbehindBohun"schair。)
MRS。CLANDON(tothewaiter)。Youdon"tmindourdetainingyou，I
hope。Mr。Bohunwishesit。
WAITER(nowquiteathisease)。Oh，no，ma"am，notatall，ma"am。
Itisapleasuretometowatchtheworkingofhistrainedandpowerfulmind——verystimulating，veryentertainingandinstructiveindeed，ma"am。
BOHUN(resumingcommandoftheproceedings)。Now，Mr。Crampton:wearewaitingforyou。Doyougiveupyourobjectiontothedressing，ordoyousticktoit？
CRAMPTON(pleading)。Mr。Bohun:considermypositionforamoment。
Ihaven"tgotmyselfalonetoconsider:there"smysisterSophroniaandmybrother-in-lawandalltheircircle。Theyhaveagreathorrorofanythingthatisatall——atall——well——
BOHUN。Outwithit。Fast？Loud？Gay？
CRAMPTON。Notinanyunprincipledsenseofcourse；but——but——
(blurtingitoutdesperately)thosetwochildrenwouldshockthem。
They"renotfittomixwiththeirownpeople。That"swhatIcomplainof。
MRS。CLANDON(withsuppressedimpatience)。Mr。Valentine:doyouthinkthereisanythingfastorloudaboutPhilandDolly？
VALENTINE。Certainlynot。It"sutterbosh。Nothingcanbeinbettertaste。
CRAMPTON。Oh，yes:ofcourseyousayso。
MRS。CLANDON。William:youseeagreatdealofgoodEnglishsociety。
Aremychildrenoverdressed？
WAITER(reassuringly)。Oh，dear，no，ma"am。(Persuasively。)Oh，no，sir，notatall。Alittleprettyandtastynodoubt；butverychoiceandclassy——verygenteelandhightonedindeed。MightbethesonanddaughterofaDean，sir，Iassureyou，sir。Youhaveonlytolookatthem，sir，to——(Atthismomentaharlequinandcolumbine，dancingtothemusicofthebandinthegarden，whichhasjustreachedthecodaofawaltz，whirloneanotherintotheroom。Theharlequin"sdressismadeoflozenges，aninchsquare，ofturquoisebluesilkandgoldalternately。Hishatisgiltandhismaskturnedup。Thecolumbine"spetticoatsaretheepitomeofaharvestfield，goldenorangeandpoppycrimson，withatinyvelvetjacketforthepoppystamens。
Theypass，anexquisiteanddazzlingapparition，betweenMcComasandBohun，andthenbackinacircletotheendofthetable，where，asthefinalchordofthewaltzisstruck，theymakeatableauinthemiddleofthecompany，theharlequindownonhisleftknee，andthecolumbinestandingonhisrightknee，withherarmscurvedoverherhead。Unliketheirdancing，whichischarminglygraceful，theirattitudinizingishardlyasuccess，andthreatenstoendinacatastrophe。)
THECOLUMBINE(screaming)。Liftmedown，somebody:I"mgoingtofall。Papa:liftmedown。
CRAMPTON(anxiouslyrunningtoherandtakingherhands)。Mychild!
DOLLY(jumpingdownwithhishelp)。Thanks:soniceofyou。(Phil，puttinghishatintohisbelt，sitsonthesideofthetableandpoursoutsomeclaretcup。Cramptonreturnstohisplaceontheottomaningreatperplexity。)Oh，whatfun!Oh，dear。(Sheseatsherselfwithavaultonthefrontedgeofthetable，panting。)Oh，claretcup!(Shedrinks。)
BOHUN(inpowerfultones)。Thisistheyoungerlady，isit？
DOLLY(slippingdownoffthetableinalarmathisformidablevoiceandmanner)。Yes，sir。Please，whoareyou？
MRS。CLANDON。ThisisMr。Bohun，Dolly，whohasverykindlycometohelpusthisevening。
DOLLY。Oh，thenhecomesasaboonandablessing——
PHILIP。Sh!
CRAMPTON。Mr。Bohun——McComas:Iappealtoyou。Isthisright？
Wouldyoublamemysister"sfamilyforobjectingtothis？
DOLLY(flushingominously)。Haveyoubegunagain？
CRAMPTON(propitiatingher)。No，no。It"sperhapsnaturalatyourage。
DOLLY(obstinately)。Nevermindmyage。Isitpretty？
CRAMPTON。Yes，dear，yes。(Hesitsdownintokenofsubmission。)
DOLLY(followinghiminsistently)。Doyoulikeit？
CRAMPTON。Mychild:howcanyouexpectmetolikeitortoapproveofit？
DOLLY(determinednottolethimoff)。Howcanyouthinkitprettyandnotlikeit？
McCOMAS(rising，angryandscandalized)。ReallyImustsay——
(Bohun，whohaslistenedtoDollywiththehighestapproval，isdownonhiminstantly。)
BOHUN。No:don"tinterrupt，McComas。Theyounglady"smethodisright。(ToDolly，withtremendousemphasis。)Pressyourquestions，MissClandon:pressyourquestions。
DOLLY(rising)。Oh，dear，youarearegularoverwhelmer!Doyoualwaysgoonlikethis？
BOHUN(rising)。Yes。Don"tyoutrytoputmeoutofcountenance，younglady:you"retooyoungtodoit。(HetakesMcComas"schairfrombesideMrs。Clandon"sandsetsitbesidehisown。)Sitdown。(Dolly，fascinated，obeys；andBohunsitsdownagain。McComas，robbedofhisseat，takesachairontheothersidebetweenthetableandtheottoman。)Now，Mr。Crampton，thefactsarebeforeyou——bothofthem。
Youthinkyou"dliketohaveyourtwoyoungestchildrentolivewithyou。Well，youwouldn"t——(Cramptontriestoprotest；butBohunwillnothaveitonanyterms。)No，youwouldn"t:youthinkyouwould；butIknowbetterthanyou。You"dwantthisyoungladyheretogiveupdressinglikeastagecolumbineintheeveningandlikeafashionablecolumbineinthemorning。Well，shewon"t——never。Shethinksshewill；but——
DOLLY(interruptinghim)。NoIdon"t。(Resolutely。)I"llnevergiveupdressingprettily。Never。AsGloriasaidtothatmaninMadeira，never，never，neverwhilegrassgrowsorwaterruns。
VALENTINE(risinginthewildestagitation)。What!What!
(Beginningtospeakveryfast。)Whendidshesaythat？Whodidshesaythatto？
BOHUN(throwinghimselfbackwithmassive，pityingremonstrance)。
Mr。Valentine——
VALENTINE(pepperily)。Don"tyouinterruptme，sir:thisissomethingreallyserious。IinsistonknowingwhoMissClandonsaidthatto。
DOLLY。PerhapsPhilremembers。Whichwasit，Phil？numberthreeornumberfive？
VALENTINE。Numberfive!!!
PHILIP。Courage，Valentine。Itwasn"tnumberfive:itwasonlyatamenavallieutenantthatwasalwaysonhand——themostpatientandharmlessofmortals。
GLORIA(coldly)。Whatarewediscussingnow，pray？
VALENTINE(veryred)。Excuseme:IamsorryIinterrupted。Ishallintrudenofurther，Mrs。Clandon。(HebowstoMrs。Clandonandmarchesawayintothegarden，boilingwithsuppressedrage。)
DOLLY。Hmhm!
PHILIP。Ahah!
GLORIA。Pleasegoon，Mr。Bohun。
DOLLY(strikinginasBohun，frowningformidably，collectshimselfforafreshgrapplewiththecase)。You"regoingtobullyus，Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN。I——
DOLLY(interruptinghim)。Oh，yes，youare:youthinkyou"renot；
butyouare。Iknowbyyoureyebrows。
BOHUN(capitulating)。Mrs。Clandon:thesearecleverchildren——
clearheaded，wellbroughtupchildren。Imakethatadmissiondeliberately。Canyou，inreturn，pointouttomeanywayofinductingthemtoholdtheirtongues？
MRS。CLANDON。Dolly，dearest——!
PHILIP。Ouroldfailing，Dolly。Silence!(Dollyholdshermouth。)
MRS。CLANDON。Now，Mr。Bohun，beforetheybeginagain——
WAITER(softer)。Bequick，sir:bequick。
DOLLY(beamingathim)。DearWilliam!
PHILIP。Sh!
BOHUN(unexpectedlybeginningbyhurlingaquestionstraightatDolly)。Haveyouanyintentionofgettingmarried？
DOLLY。I!Well，FinchcallsmebymyChristianname。
McCOMAS。Iwillnothavethis。Mr。Bohun:Iusetheyounglady"sChristiannamenaturallyasanoldfriendofhermother"s。
DOLLY。Yes，youcallmeDollyasanoldfriendofmymother"s。ButwhataboutDorothee-ee-a？(McComasrisesindignantly。)
CRAMPTON(anxiously，risingtorestrainhim)。Keepyourtemper，McComas。Don"tletusquarrel。Bepatient。
McCOMAS。Iwillnotbepatient。Youareshewingthemostwretchedweaknessofcharacter，Crampton。Isaythisismonstrous。
DOLLY。Mr。Bohun:pleasebullyFinchforus。
BOHUN。Iwill。McComas:you"remakingyourselfridiculous。Sitdown。
McCOMAS。I——
BOHUN(wavinghimdownimperiously)。No:sitdown，sitdown。
(McComassitsdownsulkily；andCrampton，muchrelieved，followshisexample。)
DOLLY(toBohun，meekly)。Thankyou。
BOHUN。Now，listentome，allofyou。Igivenoopinion，McComas，astohowfaryoumayormaynothavecommittedyourselfinthedirectionindicatedbythisyounglady。(McComasisabouttoprotest。)
No:don"tinterruptme:ifshedoesn"tmarryyoushewillmarrysomebodyelse。Thatisthesolutionofthedifficultyastohernotbearingherfather"sname。Theotherladyintendstogetmarried。
GLORIA(flushing)。Mr。Bohun!
BOHUN。Oh，yes，youdo:youdon"tknowit；butyoudo。
GLORIA(rising)。Stop。Iwarnyou，Mr。Bohun，nottoanswerformyintentions。
BOHUN(rising)。It"snouse，MissClandon:youcan"tputmedown。
ItellyouyournamewillsoonbeneitherClandonnorCrampton；andI
couldtellyouwhatitwillbeifIchose。(Hegoestotheotherendofthetable，whereheunrollshisdomino，andputsthefalsenoseonthetable。Whenhemovestheyallrise；andPhilgoestothewindow。
Bohun，withagesture，summonsthewaitertohelphiminrobing。)Mr。
Crampton:yournotionofgoingtolawisallnonsense:yourchildrenwillbeofagebeforeyoucouldgetthepointdecided。(Allowingthewaitertoputthedominoonhisshoulders。)Youcandonothingbutmakeafriendlyarrangement。Ifyouwantyourfamilymorethantheywantyou，you"llgettheworseofthearrangement:iftheywantyoumorethanyouwantthem，you"llgetthebetterofit。(Heshakesthedominointobecomingfoldsandtakesupthefalsenose。Dollygazesadmiringlyathim。)Thestrengthoftheirpositionliesintheirbeingveryagreeablepeoplepersonally。Thestrengthofyourpositionliesinyourincome。
(Heclapsonthefalsenose，andisagaingrotesquelytransfigured。)
DOLLY(runningtohim)。Oh，nowyoulookquitelikeahumanbeing。
Mayn"tIhavejustonedancewithyou？Canyoudance？(Phil，resuminghispartofharlequin，waveshishatasifcastingaspellonthem。)
BOHUN(thunderously)。Yes:youthinkIcan"t；butIcan。Comealong。(Heseizesheranddancesoffwithherthroughthewindowinamostpowerfulmanner，butwithstudiedproprietyandgrace。Thewaiterismeanwhilebusyputtingthechairsbackintheircustomaryplaces。)
PHILIP。"Onwiththedance:letjoybeunconfined。"William!
WAITER。Yes，sir。
PHILIP。CanyouprocureacoupleofdominosandfalsenosesformyfatherandMr。McComas？
McCOMAS。Mostcertainlynot。Iprotest——
CRAMPTON。No，no。Whatharmwillitdo，justforonce，McComas？
Don"tletusbespoil-sports。
McCOMAS。Crampton:youarenotthemanItookyoufor。(Pointedly。)
Bulliesarealwayscowards。(Hegoesdisgustedlytowardsthewindow。)
CRAMPTON(followinghim)。Well，nevermind。Wemustindulgethemalittle。Canyougetussomethingtowear，waiter？
WAITER。Certainly，sir。(Heprecedesthemtothewindow，andstandsasidetheretoletthempassoutbeforehim。)Thisway，sir。Dominosandnoses，sir？
McCOMAS(angrily，onhiswayout)。Ishallwearmyownnose。
WAITER(suavely)。Oh，dear，yes，sir:thefalseonewillfitoveritquiteeasily，sir:plentyofroom，sir，plentyofroom。(HegoesoutafterMcComas。)
CRAMPTON(turningatthewindowtoPhilwithanattemptatgenialfatherliness)。Comealong，myboy，comealong。(Hegoes。)
PHILIP(cheerily，followinghim)。Coming，dad，coming。(Onthewindowthreshold，hestops；lookingafterCrampton；thenturnsfantasticallywithhisbatbentintoahaloroundhishead，andsayswithaloweredvoicetoMrs。ClandonandGloria)Didyoufeelthepathosofthat？(Hevanishes。)
MRS。CLANDON(leftalonewithGloria)。WhydidMr。Valentinegoawaysosuddenly，Iwonder？
GLORIA(petulantly)。Idon"tknow。Yes，Idoknow。Letusgoandseethedancing。(Theygotowardsthewindow，andaremetbyValentine，whocomesinfromthegardenwalkingquickly，withhisfacesetandsulky。)
VALENTINE(stiffly)。Excuseme。Ithoughtthepartyhadquitebrokenup。
GLORIA(nagging)。Thenwhydidyoucomeback？
VALENTINE。IcamebackbecauseIampenniless。Ican"tgetoutthatwaywithoutafiveshillingticket。
MRS。CLANDON。Hasanythingannoyedyou，Mr。Valentine？
GLORIA。Nevermindhim，mother。Thisisafreshinsulttome:thatisall。
MRS。CLANDON(hardlyabletorealizethatGloriaisdeliberatelyprovokinganaltercation)。Gloria!
VALENTINE。Mrs。Clandon:haveIsaidanythinginsulting？HaveI
doneanythinginsulting？
GLORIA。youhaveimpliedthatmypasthasbeenlikeyours。Thatistheworstofinsults。
VALENTINE。Iimplynothingofthesort。Ideclarethatmypasthasbeenblamelessincomparisonwithyours。
MRS。CLANDON(mostindignantly)。Mr。Valentine!
VALENTINE。Well，whatamItothinkwhenIlearnthatMissClandonhasmadeexactlythesamespeechestoothermenthatshehasmadetome——whenIhearofatleastfiveformerlovers，withatamenavallieutenantthrownin？Oh，it"stoobad。
MRS。CLANDON。Butyousurelydonotbelievethattheseaffairs——
merejokesofthechildren"s——wereserious，Mr。Valentine？
VALENTINE。Nottoyou——nottoher，perhaps。ButIknowwhatthemenfelt。(Withludicrouslygenuineearnestness。)Haveyoueverthoughtofthewreckedlives，themarriagescontractedintherecklessnessofdespair，thesuicides，the——the——the——
GLORIA(interruptinghimcontemptuously)。Mother:thismanisasentimentalidiot。(Shesweepsawaytothefireplace。)
MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Oh，mydearestGloria，Mr。Valentinewillthinkthatrude。
VALENTINE。Iamnotasentimentalidiot。Iamcuredofsentimentforever。(Hesitsdownindudgeon。)
MRS。CLANDON。Mr。Valentine:youmustexcuseusall。Womenhavetounlearnthefalsegoodmannersoftheirslaverybeforetheyacquirethegenuinegoodmannersoftheirfreedom。Don"tthinkGloriavulgar(Gloriaturns，astonished):sheisnotreallyso。
GLORIA。Mother!Youapologizeformetohim!
MRS。CLANDON。Mydear:youhavesomeofthefaultsofyouthaswellasitsqualities；andMr。Valentineseemsrathertoooldfashionedinhisideasabouthisownsextolikebeingcalledanidiot。AndnowhadwenotbettergoandseewhatDollyisdoing？(Shegoestowardsthewindow。Valentinerises。)
GLORIA。Doyougo，mother。IwishtospeaktoMr。Valentinealone。
MRS。CLANDON(startledintoaremonstrance)。Mydear!(Recollectingherself。)Ibegyourpardon，Gloria。Certainly，ifyouwish。(ShebowstoValentineandgoesout。)
VALENTINE。Oh，ifyourmotherwereonlyawidow!She"sworthsixofyou。
GLORIA。ThatisthefirstthingIhaveheardyousaythatdoesyouhonor。
VALENTINE。Stuff!Come:saywhatyouwanttosayandletmego。
GLORIA。Ihaveonlythistosay。Youdraggedmedowntoyourlevelforamomentthisafternoon。Doyouthink，ifthathadeverhappenedbefore，thatIshouldnothavebeenonmyguard——thatIshouldnothaveknownwhatwascoming，andknownmyownmiserableweakness？
VALENTINE(scoldingatherpassionately)。Don"ttalkofitinthatway。WhatdoIcareforanythinginyoubutyourweakness，asyoucallit？Youthoughtyourselfverysafe，didn"tyou，behindyouradvancedideas!Iamusedmyselfbyupsettingthemprettyeasily。
GLORIA(insolently，feelingthatnowshecandoasshelikeswithhim)。Indeed!
VALENTINE。ButwhydidIdoit？BecauseIwasbeingtemptedtoawakenyourheart——tostirthedepthsinyou。WhywasItempted？
BecauseNaturewasindeadlyearnestwithmewhenIwasinjestwithher。Whenthegreatmomentcame，whowasawakened？whowasstirred？inwhomdidthedepthsbreakup？Inmyself——myself:Iwastransported:youwereonlyoffended——shocked。Youwereonlyanordinaryyounglady，tooordinarytoallowtamelieutenantstogoasfarasIwent。That"sall。Ishallnottroubleyouwithconventionalapologies。Good-bye。(Hemakesresolutelyforthedoor。)
GLORIA。Stop。(Hehesitates。)Oh，willyouunderstand，ifItellyouthetruth，thatIamnotmakinganadvancetoyou？
VALENTINE。Pooh!Iknowwhatyou"regoingtosay。Youthinkyou"renotordinary——thatIwasright——thatyoureallyhavethosedepthsinyournature。Itflattersyoutobelieveit。(Sherecoils。)Well，I
grantthatyouarenotordinaryinsomeways:youareaclevergirl(Gloriastiflesanexclamationofrage，andtakesathreateningsteptowardshim)；butyou"venotbeenawakenedyet。Youdidn"tcare:youdon"tcare。Itwasmytragedy，notyours。Good-bye。(Heturnstothedoor。Shewatcheshim，appalledtoseehimslippingfromhergrasp。Asheturnsthehandle，hepauses；thenturnsagaintoher，offeringhishand。)Letuspartkindly。
GLORIA(enormouslyrelieved，andimmediatelyturningherbackonhimdeliberately。)Good-bye。Itrustyouwillsoonrecoverfromthewound。
VALENTINE(brighteningupasitflashesonhimthatheismasterofthesituationafterall)。Ishallrecover:suchwoundshealmorethantheyharm。Afterall，IstillhavemyownGloria。
GLORIA(facinghimquickly)。Whatdoyoumean？
VALENTINE。TheGloriaofmyimagination。
GLORIA(proudly)。KeepyourownGloria——theGloriaofyourimagination。(Heremotionbeginstobreakthroughherpride。)TherealGloria——theGloriawhowasshocked，offended，horrified——oh，yes，quitetruly——whowasdrivenalmostmadwithshamebythefeelingthatallherpoweroverherselfhadbeenbrokendownatherfirstrealencounterwith——with——(Thecolorrushesoverherfaceagain。Shecoversitwithherlefthand，andputsherrightonhisleftarmtosupportherself。)
VALENTINE。Takecare。I"mlosingmysensesagain。(Summoningallhercourage，shetakesawayherhandfromherfaceandputsitonhisrightshoulder，turninghimtowardsherandlookinghimstraightintheeyes。Hebeginstoprotestagitatedly。)Gloria:besensible:it"snouse:Ihaven"tapennyintheworld。
GLORIA。Can"tyouearnone？Otherpeopledo。
VALENTINE(halfdelighted，halffrightened)。Inevercould——you"dbeunhappy——Mydearestlove:Ishouldbethemerestfortune-huntingadventurerif——(Hergriponhisarmstightens；andshekisseshim。)
Oh，Lord!(Breathless。)Oh，I——(Hegasps。)Idon"tknowanythingaboutwomen:twelveyears"experienceisnotenough。(Inagustofjealousyshethrowshimawayfromher；andhereelsherbackintothechairlikealeafbeforethewind，asDollydancesin，waltzingwiththewaiter，followedbyMrs。ClandonandFinch，alsowaltzing，andPhilpirouettingbyhimself。)
DOLLY(sinkingonthechairatthewriting-table)。Oh，I"moutofbreath。Howbeautifullyyouwaltz，William!
MRS。CLANDON(sinkingonthesaddlebagseatonthehearth)。Oh，howcouldyoumakemedosuchasillything，Finch!Ihaven"tdancedsincethesoireeatSouthPlacetwentyyearsago。
GLORIA(peremptorilyatValentine)。Getup。(Valentinegetsupabjectly。)Nowletushavenofalsedelicacy。Tellmymotherthatwehaveagreedtomarryoneanother。(Asilenceofstupefactionensues。
Valentine，dumbwithpanic，looksatthemwithanobviousimpulsetorunaway。)
DOLLY(breakingthesilence)。NumberSix!
PHILIP。Sh!
DOLLY(tumultuously)。Oh，myfeelings!Iwanttokisssomebody；andwebaritinthefamily。Where"sFinch？
McCOMAS(startingviolently)。No，positively——(Cramptonappearsinthewindow。)
DOLLY(runningtoCrampton)。Oh，you"rejustintime。(Shekisseshim。)Now(leadinghimforward)blessthem。
GLORIA。No。Iwillhavenosuchthing，eveninjest。WhenIneedablessing，Ishallaskmymother"s。
CRAMPTON(toGloria，withdeepdisappointment)。AmItounderstandthatyouhaveengagedyourselftothisyounggentleman？
GLORIA(resolutely)。Yes。Doyouintendtobeourfriendor——
DOLLY(interposing)——orourfather？
CRAMPTON。Ishouldliketobeboth，mychild。Butsurely——!Mr。
Valentine:Iappealtoyoursenseofhonor。
VALENTINE。You"requiteright。It"sperfectmadness。IfwegoouttodancetogetherIshallhavetoborrowfiveshillingsfromherforaticket。Gloria:don"tberash:you"rethrowingyourselfaway。I"dmuchbetterclearstraightoutofthis，andneverseeanyofyouagain。I
shan"tcommitsuicide:Ishan"tevenbeunhappy。It"llbearelieftome:I——I"mfrightened，I"mpositivelyfrightened；andthat"stheplaintruth。
GLORIA(determinedly)。Youshallnotgo。
VALENTINE(quailing)。No，dearest:ofcoursenot。But——oh，willsomebodyonlytalksenseforamomentandbringusalltoreason!I
can"t。Where"sBohun？Bohun"stheman。Phil:goandsummonBohun——
PHILIP。Fromthevastlydeep。Igo。(Hemakeshisbatquiverintheairanddartsawaythroughthewindow。)
WAITER(harmoniouslytoValentine)。Ifyouwillexcusemyputtinginaword，sir，donotletamatteroffiveshillingsstandbetweenyouandyourhappiness，sir。Weshallbeonlytoopleasedtoputtheticketdowntoyou:andyoucansettleatyourconvenience。Verygladtomeetyouinanyway，veryhappyandpleasedindeed，sir。
PHILIP(re-appearing)。Hecomes。(Hewaveshisbatoverthewindow。
Bohuncomesin，takingoffhisfalsenoseandthrowingitonthetableinpassingashecomesbetweenGloriaandValentine。)
VALENTINE。Thepointis，Mr。Bohun——
McCOMAS(interruptingfromthehearthrug)。Excuseme，sir:thepointmustbeputtohimbyasolicitor。Thequestionisoneofanengagementbetweenthesetwoyoungpeople。Theladyhassomeproperty，and(lookingatCrampton)willprobablyhaveagooddealmore。
CRAMPTON。Possibly。Ihopeso。
VALENTINE。Andthegentlemanhasn"tarap。
BOHUN(nailingValentinetothepointinstantly)。Theninsistonasettlement。Thatshocksyourdelicacy:mostsensibleprecautionsdo。
Butyouaskmyadvice；andIgiveittoyou。Haveasettlement。
GLORIA(proudly)。Heshallhaveasettlement。
VALENTINE。Mygoodsir，Idon"twantadviceformyself。Givehersomeadvice。
BOHUN。Shewon"ttakeit。Whenyou"remarried，shewon"ttakeyourseither——(turningsuddenlyonGloria)oh，no，youwon"t:youthinkyouwill；butyouwon"t。He"llsettoworkandearnhisliving——(turningsuddenlytoValentine)oh，yes，youwill:youthinkyouwon"t；butyouwill。She"llmakeyou。
CRAMPTON(onlyhalfpersuaded)。Then，Mr。Bohun，youdon"tthinkthismatchanunwiseone？
BOHUN。Yes，Ido:allmatchesareunwise。It"sunwisetobeborn；
it"sunwisetobemarried；it"sunwisetolive；andit"sunwisetodie。
WAITER(insinuatinghimselfbetweenCramptonandValentine)。Then，ifImayrespectfullyputinawordin，sir，somuchtheworseforwisdom!(ToValentine，benignly。)Cheerup，sir，cheerup:everymanisfrightenedofmarriagewhenitcomestothepoint；butitoftenturnsoutverycomfortable，veryenjoyableandhappyindeed，sir——fromtimetotime。Ineverwasmasterinmyownhouse，sir:mywifewaslikeyouryounglady:shewasofacommandingandmasterfuldisposition，whichmysonhasinherited。ButifIhadmylifetolivetwiceover，I"ddoitagain，I"ddoitagain，Iassureyou。Younevercantell，sir:younevercantell。
PHILIP。AllowmetoremarkthatifGloriahasmadeuphermind——
DOLLY。Thematter"ssettledandValentine"sdonefor。Andwe"remissingallthedances。
VALENTINE(toGloria，gallantlymakingthebestofit)。MayIhaveadance——
BOHUN(interposinginhisgrandestdiapason)。Excuseme:Iclaimthatprivilegeascounsel"sfee。MayIhavethehonor——thankyou。
(HedancesawaywithGloriaanddisappearsamongthelanterns，leavingValentinegasping。)
VALENTINE(recoveringhisbreath)。Dolly:mayI——(offeringhimselfasherpartner)？
DOLLY。Nonsense!(Eludinghimandrunningroundthetabletothefireplace。)Finch——myFinch!(ShepouncesonMcComasandmakeshimdance。)
McCOMAS(protesting)。Prayrestrain——really——(Heisborneoffdancingthroughthewindow。)
VALENTINE(makingalasteffort)。Mrs。Clandon:mayI——
PHILIP(forestallinghim)。Come，mother。(Heseizeshismotherandwhirlsheraway。)
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil，Phil——(ShesharesMcComas"sfate。)
CRAMPTON(followingthemwithsenileglee)。Ho!ho!He!he!he!
(Hegoesintothegardenchucklingatthefun。)
VALENTINE(collapsingontheottomanandstaringatthewaiter)。I
mightaswellbeamarriedmanalready。(ThewaitercontemplatesthecapturedDuellistofSexwithaffectionatecommiseration，shakinghisheadslowly。)