第1章
Inadentist"soperatingroomonafineAugustmorningin1896。NottheusualtinyLondonden，butthebestsittingroomofafurnishedlodginginaterraceontheseafrontatafashionablewateringplace。
Theoperatingchair，withagaspumpandcylinderbesideit，ishalfwaybetweenthecentreoftheroomandoneofthecorners。Ifyoulookintotheroomthroughthewindowwhichlightsit，youwillseethefireplaceinthemiddleofthewalloppositeyou，withthedoorbesideittoyourleft；anM。R。C。S。diplomainaframehungonthechimneypiece；aneasychaircoveredinblackleatheronthehearth；aneatstoolandbench，withvice，tools，andamortarandpestleinthecornertotheright。
Nearthisbenchstandsaslendermachinelikeawhipprovidedwithastand，apedal，andanexaggeratedwinch。Recognisingthisasadentaldrill，youshudderandlookawaytoyourleft，whereyoucanseeanotherwindow，underneathwhichstandsawritingtable，withablotterandadiaryonit，andachair。Nextthewritingtable，towardsthedoor，isaleathercoveredsofa。Theoppositewall，closeonyourright，isoccupiedmostlybyabookcase。Theoperatingchairisunderyournose，facingyou，withthecabinetofinstrumentshandytoitonyourleft。
Youobservethattheprofessionalfurnitureandapparatusarenew，andthatthewallpaper，designed，withthetasteofanundertaker，infestoonsandurns，thecarpetwithitssymmetricalplansofrich，cabbagynosegays，theglassgasalierwithlustres；theornamentalgiltrimmedbluecandlesticksontheendsofthemantelshelf，alsoglass-
drapedwithlustres，andtheormoluclockunderaglass-coverinthemiddlebetweenthem，itsuselessnessemphasizedbyacheapAmericanclockdisrespectfullyplacedbesideitandnowindicating12o"clocknoon，allcombinewiththeblackmarblewhichgivesthefireplacetheairofaminiaturefamilyvault，tosuggestearlyVictoriancommercialrespectability，beliefinmoney，Biblefetichism，fearofhellalwaysatwarwithfearofpoverty，instinctivehorrorofthepassionatecharacterofart，loveandRomanCatholicreligion，andallthefirstfruitsofplutocracyintheearlygenerationsoftheindustrialrevolution。
Thereisnoshadowofthisonthetwopersonswhoareoccupyingtheroomjustnow。Oneofthem，averyprettywomaninminiature，hertinyfiguredressedwiththedaintiestgaiety，isofalatergeneration，beinghardlyeighteenyet。Thisdarlinglittlecreatureclearlydoesnotbelongtotheroom，oreventothecountry；forhercomplexion，thoughverydelicate，hasbeenburntbiscuitcolorbysomewarmersunthanEngland"s；andyetthereis，foraverysubtleobserver，alinkbetweenthem。Forshehasaglassofwaterinherhand，andarapidlyclearingcloudofSpartanobstinacyonhertinyfirmsetmouthandquaintlysquaredeyebrows。Iftheleastlineofconsciencecouldbetracedbetweenthoseeyebrows，anEvangelicalmightcherishsomefainthopeoffindingherasheepinwolf"sclothing-forherfrockisrecklesslypretty-butasthecloudvanishesitleavesherfrontalsinusassmoothlyfreefromconvictionofsinasakitten"s。
Thedentist，contemplatingherwiththeself-satisfactionofasuccessfuloperator，isayoungmanofthirtyorthereabouts。Hedoesnotgivetheimpressionofbeingmuchofaworkman:hisprofessionalmannerevidentlystrikeshimasbeingajoke，andisunderlainbyathoughtlesspleasantrywhichbetraystheyounggentlemanstillunsettledandinsearchofamusingadventures，behindthenewlyset-updentistinsearchofpatients。Heisnotwithoutgravityofdemeanor；butthestrainednostrilsstampitasthegravityofthehumorist。Hiseyesareclear，alert，ofscepticallymoderatesize，andyetalittlerash；hisforeheadisanexcellentone，withplentyofroombehindit；hisnoseandchincavalierlyhandsome。Onthewhole，anattractive，noticeablebeginner，ofwhoseprospectsamanofbusinessmightformatolerablyfavorableestimate。
THEYOUNGLADY(handinghimtheglass)。Thankyou。(Inspiteofthebiscuitcomplexionshehasnottheslightestforeignaccent。)
THEDENTIST(puttingitdownontheledgeofhiscabinetofinstruments)。Thatwasmyfirsttooth。
THEYOUNGLADY(aghast)。Yourfirst!Doyoumeantosaythatyoubeganpractisingonme？
THEDENTIST。Everydentisthastobeginonsomebody。
THEYOUNGLADY。Yes:somebodyinahospital，notpeoplewhopay。
THEDENTIST(laughing)。Oh，thehospitaldoesn"tcount。Ionlymeantmyfirsttoothinprivatepractice。Whydidn"tyouletmegiveyougas？
THEYOUNGLADY。Becauseyousaiditwouldbefiveshillingsextra。
THEDENTIST(shocked)。Oh，don"tsaythat。ItmakesmefeelasifI
hadhurtyouforthesakeoffiveshillings。
THEYOUNGLADY(withcoolinsolence)。Well，soyouhave!(Shegetsup。)Whyshouldn"tyou？it"syourbusinesstohurtpeople。(Itamuseshimtobetreatedinthisfashion:hechucklessecretlyasheproceedstocleanandreplacehisinstruments。Sheshakesherdressintoorder；
looksinquisitivelyabouther；andgoestothewindow。)Youhaveagoodviewoftheseafromtheserooms!Aretheyexpensive？
THEDENTIST。Yes。
THEYOUNGLADY。Youdon"townthewholehouse，doyou？
THEDENTIST。No。
THEYOUNGLADY(takingthechairwhichstandsatthewriting-tableandlookingcriticallyatitasshespinsitroundononeleg。)Yourfurnitureisn"tquitethelatestthing，isit？
THEDENTIST。It"smylandlord"s。
THEYOUNGLADY。DoesheownthatnicecomfortableBathchair？
(pointingtotheoperatingchair。)
THEDENTIST。No:Ihavethatonthehire-purchasesystem。
THEYOUNGLADY(disparagingly)。Ithoughtso。(Lookingaboutheragaininsearchoffurtherconclusions。)Isupposeyouhaven"tbeenherelong？
THEDENTIST。Sixweeks。Isthereanythingelseyouwouldliketoknow？
THEYOUNGLADY(thehintquitelostonher)。Anyfamily？
THEDENTIST。Iamnotmarried。
THEYOUNGLADY。Ofcoursenot:anybodycanseethat。Imeantsistersandmotherandthatsortofthing。
THEDENTIST。Notonthepremises。
THEYOUNGLADY。Hm!Ifyou"vebeenheresixweeks，andminewasyourfirsttooth，thepracticecan"tbeverylarge，canit？
THEDENTIST。Notasyet。(Heshutsthecabinet，havingtidiedupeverything。)
THEYOUNGLADY。Well，goodluck!(Shetakesourherpurse。)Fiveshillings，yousaiditwouldbe？
THEDENTIST。Fiveshillings。
THEYOUNGLADY(producingacrownpiece)。Doyouchargefiveshillingsforeverything？
THEDENTIST。Yes。
THEYOUNGLADY。Why？
THEDENTIST。It"smysystem。I"mwhat"scalledafiveshillingdentist。
THEYOUNGLADY。Hownice!Well，here!(holdingupthecrownpiece)anicenewfiveshillingpiece!yourfirstfee!Makeaholeinitwiththethingyoudrillpeople"steethwithandwearitonyourwatch-chain。
THEDENTIST。Thankyou。
THEPARLORMAID(appearingatthedoor)。Theyounglady"sbrother，sir。
Ahandsomemaninminiature，obviouslytheyounglady"stwin，comesineagerly。Hewearsasuitofterra-cottacashmere，theelegantlycutfrockcoatlinedinbrownsilk，andcarriesinhishandabrowntallhatandtanglovestomatch。Hehashissister"sdelicatebiscuitcomplexion，andisbuiltonthesamesmallscale；butheiselasticandstronginmuscle，decisiveinmovement，unexpectedlydeeptonedandtrenchantinspeech，andwithperfectmannersandafinishedpersonalstylewhichmightbeenviedbyamantwicehisage。Suavityandself-
possessionarepointsofhonorwithhim；andthoughthis，rightlyconsidered，isonlythemodernmodeofboyishself-consciousness，itseffectisnonethelessstaggeringtohiselders，andwouldbeinsufferableinalessprepossessingyouth。Heispromptitudeitself，andhasaquestionreadythemomentheenters。
THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。AmIontime？
THEYOUNGLADY。No:it"sallover。
THEYOUNGGENTLEMAN。Didyouhowl？
THEYOUNGLADY。Oh，somethingawful。Mr。Valentine:thisismybrotherPhil。Phil:thisisMr。Valentine，ournewdentist。(ValentineandPhilbowtooneanother。Sheproceeds，allinonebreath。)He"sonlybeenheresixweeks；andhe"sabachelor。Thehouseisn"this；andthefurnitureisthelandlord"s；buttheprofessionalplantishired。
Hegotmytoothoutbeautifullyatthefirstgo；andheandIaregreatfriends。
PHILIP。Beenaskingalotofquestions？
THEYOUNGLADY(asifincapableofdoingsuchathing)。Oh，no。
PHILIP。Gladtohearit。(ToValentine。)Sogoodofyounottomindus，Mr。Valentine。Thefactis，we"veneverbeeninEnglandbefore；andourmothertellsusthatthepeopleheresimplywon"tstandus。Comeandlunchwithus。(Valentine，bewilderedbytheleapsandboundswithwhichtheiracquaintanceshipisproceeding，gasps；buthehasnoopportunityofspeaking，astheconversationofthetwinsisswiftandcontinuous。)
THEYOUNGLADY。Oh，do，Mr。Valentine。
PHILIP。AttheMarineHotel-halfpastone。
THEYOUNGLADY。WeshallbeabletotellmammathatarespectableEnglishmanhaspromisedtolunchwithus。
PHILIP。Saynomore，Mr。Valentine:you"llcome。
VALENTINE。Saynomore!Ihaven"tsaidanything。MayIaskwhomI
havethepleasureofentertaining？It"sreallyquiteimpossibleformetolunchattheMarineHotelwithtwoperfectstrangers。
THEYOUNGLADY(flippantly)。Ooooh!whatbosh!Onepatientinsixweeks!Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyou？
PHILIP(maturely)。No，Dolly:myknowledgeofhumannatureconfirmsMr。Valentine"sjudgment。Heisright。LetmeintroduceMissDorothyClandon，commonlycalledDolly。(ValentinebowstoDolly。Shenodstohim。)I"mPhilipClandon。We"refromMadeira，butperfectlyrespectable，sofar。
VALENTINE。Clandon!Areyourelatedto——
DOLLY(unexpectedlycryingoutindespair)。Yes，weare。
VALENTINE(astonished)。Ibegyourpardon？
DOLLY。Oh，weare，weare。It"sallover，Phil:theyknowallaboutusinEngland。(ToValentine。)Oh，youcan"tthinkhowmaddeningitistoberelatedtoacelebratedperson，andneverbevaluedanywhereforourownsakes。
VALENTINE。Butexcuseme:thegentlemanIwasthinkingofisnotcelebrated。
DOLLY(staringathim)。Gentleman!(Philisalsopuzzled。)
VALENTINE。Yes。IwasgoingtoaskwhetheryouwerebyanychanceadaughterofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。
DOLLY(vacantly)。No。
PHILIP。Wellcome，Dolly:howdoyouknowyou"renot？
DOLLY(cheered)。Oh，Iforgot。Ofcourse。PerhapsIam。
VALENTINE。Don"tyouknow？
PHILIP。Notintheleast。
DOLLY。It"sawisechild——
PHILIP(cuttinghershort)。Sh!(Valentinestartsnervously；forthesoundmadebyPhilip，thoughbutmomentary，islikecuttingasheetofsilkintwowithaflashoflightning。ItistheresultoflongpracticeincheckingDolly"sindiscretions。)Thefactis，Mr。
Valentine，wearethechildrenofthecelebratedMrs。LanfreyClandon，anauthoressofgreatrepute-inMadeira。Nohouseholdiscompletewithoutherworks。WecametoEnglandtogetawayfromthem。ThearecalledtheTwentiethCenturyTreatises。
DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyCooking。
PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyCreeds。
DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyClothing。
PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyConduct。
DOLLY。TwentiethCenturyChildren。
PHILIP。TwentiethCenturyParents。
DOLLY。Clothlimp，halfadollar。
PHILIP。Ormountedonlinenforhardfamilyuse，twodollars。Nofamilyshouldbewithoutthem。Readthem，Mr。Valentine:they"llimproveyourmind。
DOLLY。Butnottillwe"vegone，please。
PHILIP。Quiteso:wepreferpeoplewithunimprovedminds。Ourownmindsareinthatfreshandunspoiledcondition。
VALENTINE(dubiously)。Hm!
DOLLY(echoinghiminquiringly)。Hm？Phil:hepreferspeoplewhosemindsareimproved。
PHILIP。Inthatcaseweshallhavetointroducehimtotheothermemberofthefamily:theWomanoftheTwentiethCentury；oursisterGloria!
DOLLY(dithyrambically)。Nature"smasterpiece!
PHILIP。Learning"sdaughter!
DOLLY。Madeira"spride!
PHILIP。Beauty"sparagon!
DOLLY(suddenlydescendingtoprose)。Bosh!Nocomplexion。
VALENTINE(desperately)。MayIhaveaword？
PHILIP(politely)。Excuseus。Goahead。
DOLLY(verynicely)。Sosorry。
VALENTINE(attemptingtotakethempaternally)。Ireallymustgiveahinttoyouyoungpeople——
DOLLY(breakingoutagain)。Oh，come:Ilikethat。Howoldareyou？
PHILIP。Overthirty。
DOLLY。He"snot。
PHILIP(confidently)。Heis。
DOLLY(emphatically)。Twenty-seven。
PHILIP(imperturbably)。Thirty-three。
DOLLY。Stuff!
PHILIP(toValentine)。Iappealtoyou，Mr。Valentine。
VALENTINE(remonstrating)。Well，really——(resigninghimself。)
Thirty-one。
PHILIP(toDolly)。Youwerewrong。
DOLLY。Sowereyou。
PHILIP(suddenlyconscientious)。We"reforgettingourmanners，Dolly。
DOLLY(remorseful)。Yes，soweare。
PHILIP(apologetic)。Weinterruptedyou，Mr。Valentine。
DOLLY。Youweregoingtoimproveourminds，Ithink。
VALENTINE。Thefactis，your——
PHILIP(anticipatinghim)。Ourappearance？
DOLLY。Ourmanners？
VALENTINE(admisericordiam)。Oh，doletmespeak。
DOLLY。Theoldstory。Wetalktoomuch。
PHILIP。Wedo。Shutup，both。(Heseatshimselfonthearmoftheopposingchair。)
DOLLY。Mum!(Shesitsdowninthewriting-tablechair，andclosesherlipstightwiththetipsofherfingers。)
VALENTINE。Thankyou。(Hebringsthestoolfromthebenchinthecorner；placesitbetweenthem；andsitsdownwithajudicialair。Theyattendtohimwithextremegravity。HeaddresseshimselffirsttoDolly。)NowmayIask，tobeginwith，haveyoueverbeeninanEnglishseasideresortbefore？(Sheshakesherheadslowlyandsolemnly。HeturnstoPhil，whoshakeshisheadquicklyandexpressively。)Ithoughtso。Well，Mr。Clandon，ouracquaintancehasbeenshort；butithasbeenvoluble；andIhavegatheredenoughtoconvincemethatyouareneitherofyoucapableofconceivingwhatlifeinanEnglishseasideresortis。
Believeme，it"snotaquestionofmannersandappearance。InthoserespectsweenjoyafreedomunknowninMadeira。(Dollyshakesherheadvehemently。)Oh，yes，Iassureyou。LorddeCresci"ssisterbicyclesinknickerbockers；andtherector"swifeadvocatesdressreformandwearshygienicboots。(Dollyfurtivelylooksatherownshoe:Valentinecatchesherintheact，anddeftlyadds)No，that"snotthesortofbootImean。(Dolly"sshoevanishes。)Wedon"tbothermuchaboutdressandmannersinEngland，because，asanationwedon"tdresswellandwe"venomanners。But-andnowwillyouexcusemyfrankness？(Theynod。)Thankyou。Well，inaseasideresortthere"sonethingyoumusthavebeforeanybodycanaffordtobeseengoingaboutwithyou；andthat"safather，aliveordead。(Helooksatthemalternately，withemphasis。Theymeethisgazelikemartyrs。)AmItoinferthatyouhaveomittedthatindispensablepartofyoursocialequipment？(Theyconfirmhimbymelancholynods。)ThemI"msorrytosaythatifyouaregoingtostayhereforanylengthoftime，itwillbeimpossibleformetoacceptyourkindinvitationtolunch。(Heriseswithanairoffinality，andreplacesthestoolbythebench。)
PHILIP(risingwithgravepoliteness)。Come，Dolly。(Hegivesherhisarm。)
DOLLY。Goodmorning。(Theygotogethertothedoorwithperfectdignity。)
VALENTINE(overwhelmedwithremorse)。Oh，stop，stop。(Theyhaltandturn，arminarm。)Youmakemefeelaperfectbeast。
DOLLY。That"syourconscience:notus。
VALENTINE(energetically，throwingoffallpretenceofaprofessionalmanner)。Myconscience!Myconsciencehasbeenmyruin。Listentome。
TwicebeforeIhavesetupasarespectablemedicalpractitionerinvariouspartsofEngland。OnbothoccasionsIactedconscientiously，andtoldmypatientsthebrutetruthinsteadofwhattheywantedtobetold。Result，ruin。NowI"vesetupasadentist，afiveshillingdentist；andI"vedonewithconscienceforever。Thisismylastchance。
Ispentmylastsovereignonmovingin；andIhaven"tpaidashillingofrentyet。I"meatinganddrinkingoncredit；mylandlordisasrichasaJewandashardasnails；andI"vemadefiveshillingsinsixweeks。
IfIswervebyahair"sbreadthfromthestraightlineofthemostrigidrespectability，I"mdonefor。Undersuchacircumstance，isitfairtoaskmetolunchwithyouwhenyoudon"tknowyourownfather？
DOLLY。Afterall，ourgrandfatherisacanonofLincolnCathedral。
VALENTINE(likeacastawaymarinerwhoseesasailonthehorizon)。
What!Haveyouagrandfather？
DOLLY。Onlyone。
VALENTINE。Mydear，goodyoungfriends，whyonearthdidn"tyoutellmethatbefore？AcannonofLincoln!Thatmakesitallright，ofcourse。JustexcusemewhileIchangemycoat。(Hereachesthedoorinaboundandvanishes。DollyandPhilstareafterhim，andthenstareatoneanother。Missingtheiraudience，theydroopandbecomecommonplaceatonce。)
PHILIP(throwingawayDolly"sarmandcomingill-humoredlytowardstheoperatingchair)。Thatwretchedbankruptivorysnatchermakesacomplimentofallowingustostandhimalunch-probablythefirstsquaremealhehashadformonths。(Hegivesthechairakick，asifitwereValentine。)
DOLLY。It"stoobeastly。Iwon"tstanditanylonger，Phil。HereinEnglandeverybodyaskswhetheryouhaveafathertheveryfirstthing。
PHILIP。Iwon"tstanditeither。Mammamusttelluswhohewas。
DOLLY。Orwhoheis。Hemaybealive。
PHILIP。Ihopenot。Nomanaliveshallfatherme。
DOLLY。Hemighthavealotofmoney，though。
PHILIP。Idoubtit。Myknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatifhehadalotofmoneyhewouldn"thavegotridofhisaffectionatefamilysoeasily。Anyhow，let"slookatthebrightsideofthings。Dependonit，he"sdead。(Hegoestothehearthandstandswithhisbacktothefireplace，spreadinghimself。Theparlormaidappears。Thetwins，underobservation，instantlyshineoutagainwiththeirformerbrilliancy。)
THEPARLORMAID。Twoladiesforyou，miss。Yourmotherandsister，miss，Ithink。
Mrs。ClandonandGloriacomein。Mrs。Clandonisbetweenfortyandfifty，withaslighttendencytosoft，sedentaryfat，andafairremainderofgoodlooks，nonetheworsepreservedbecauseshehasevidentlyfollowedtheoldtribalmatronlyfashionofmakingnopretensioninthatdirectionafterhermarriage，andmightalmostbesuspectedofwearingacapathome。Shecarriesherselfartificiallywell，aswomenweretaughttodoasapartofgoodmannersbydancingmastersandrecliningboardsbeforetheseweresupersededbythemodernartisticcultofbeautyandhealth。Herhair，aflaxenhazelfadingintowhite，iscrimped，andpartedinthemiddlewiththeendsplaitedandmadeintoaknot，fromwhichobservantpeopleofacertainageinferthatMrs。Clandonhadsufficientindividualityandgoodtastetostandoutresolutelyagainstthenowforgottenchignoninhergirlhood。Inshort，sheisdistinctlyoldfashionedforherageindressandmanners。
Butshebelongstotheforefrontofherownperiod(say1860-80)inajealouslyassertiveattitudeofcharacterandintellect，andinbeingawomanofcultivatedinterestsratherthanpassionatelydevelopedpersonalaffections。Hervoiceandwaysareentirelykindlyandhumane；
andshelendsherselfconscientiouslytotheoccasionaldemonstrationsoffondnessbywhichherchildrenmarktheiresteemforher；butdisplaysofpersonalsentimentsecretlyembarrassher:passioninherishumanitarianratherthanhuman:shefeelsstronglyaboutsocialquestionsandprinciples，notaboutpersons。Only，oneobservesthatthisreasonablenessandintensepersonalprivacy，whichleavesherrelationswithGloriaandPhilmuchastheymightbebetweenherandthechildrenofanyotherwoman，breaksdowninthecaseofDolly。Thoughalmosteverywordsheaddressestoherisnecessarilyinthenatureofaremonstranceforsomebreachofdecorum，thetendernessinhervoiceisunmistakable；anditisnotsurprisingthatyearsofsuchremonstrancehaveleftDollyhopelesslyspoiled。
Gloria，whoishardlypasttwenty，isamuchmoreformidablepersonthanhermother。Sheistheincarnationofhaughtyhighmindedness，ragingwiththeimpatienceofanimpetuous，dominativecharacterparalyzedbytheimpotenceofheryouth，andunwillinglydisciplinedbytheconstantdangerofridiculefromherlighter-handedjuniors。Unlikehermother，sheisallpassion；andtheconflictofherpassionwithherobstinateprideandintensefastidiousnessresultsinafreezingcoldnessofmanner。Inanuglywomanallthiswouldberepulsive；butGloriaisanattractivewoman。Herdeepchestnuthair，olivebrownskin，longeyelashes，shadedgreyeyesthatoftenflashlikestars，delicatelyturnedfulllips，andcompactandsupple，butmuscularlyplumpfigureappealwithdisdainfulfranknesstothesensesandimagination。Averydangerousgirl，onewouldsay，ifthemoralpassionswerenotalsomarked，andevennoblymarked，inafinebrow。
Hertailor-madeskirt-and-jacketdressofsaffronbrowncloth，seemsconventionalwhenherbackisturned；butitdisplaysinfrontablouseofsea-greensilkwhichupsetsitsconventionalitywithonestroke，andsetsherapartaseffectuallyasthetwinsfromtheordinaryrunoffashionableseasidehumanity。
Mrs。Clandoncomesalittlewayintotheroom，lookingroundtoseewhoispresent。Gloria，whostudiouslyavoidsencouragingthetwinsbybetrayinganyinterestinthem，wanderstothewindowandlooksoutwithherthoughtsfaraway。Theparlormaid，insteadofwithdrawing，shutsthedoorandwaitsatit。
MRS。CLANDON。Well，children？Howisthetoothache，Dolly？
DOLLY。Cured，thankHeaven。I"vehaditout。(Shesitsdownonthestepoftheoperatingchair。Mrs。Clandontakesthewriting-tablechair。)
PHILIP(strikingingravelyfromthehearth)。Andthedentist，afirst-rateprofessionalmanofthehigheststanding，iscomingtolunchwithus。
MRS。CLANDON(lookingroundapprehensivelyattheservant)。Phil!
THEPARLORMAID。Begpardon，ma"am。I"mwaitingforMr。Valentine。
Ihaveamessageforhim。
DOLLY。Whofrom？
MRS。CLANDON(shocked)。Dolly!(Dollycatchesherlipswithherfingertips，suppressingalittlesplutterofmirth。)
THEPARLORMAID。Onlythelandlord，ma"am。
Valentine，inabluesergesuit，withastrawhatinhishand，comesbackinhighspirits，outofbreathwiththehastehehasmade。Gloriaturnsfromthewindowandstudieshimwithfreezingattention。
PHILIP。Letmeintroduceyou，Mr。Valentine。Mymother，Mrs。
LanfreyClandon。(Mrs。Clandonbows。Valentinebows，self-possessedandquiteequaltotheoccasion。)MysisterGloria。(Gloriabowswithcolddignityandsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinefallsinloveatfirstsightandismiserablyconfused。Hefingershishatnervously，andmakesherasneakingbow。)
MRS。CLANDON。Iunderstandthatwearetohavethepleasureofseeingyouatluncheonto-day，Mr。Valentine。
VALENTINE。Thankyou——er——ifyoudon"tmind——Imeanifyouwillbesokind——(totheparlormaidtestily)Whatisit？
THEPARLORMAID。Thelandlord，sir，wishestospeaktoyoubeforeyougoout。
VALENTINE。Oh，tellhimIhavefourpatientshere。(TheClandonslooksurprised，exceptPhil，whoisimperturbable。)Ifhewouldn"tmindwaitingjusttwominutes，I——I"llslipdownandseehimforamoment。
(Throwinghimselfconfidentiallyonhersenseoftheposition。)SayI"mbusy，butthatIwanttoseehim。
THEPARLORMAID(reassuringly)。Yes，sir。(Shegoes。)
MRS。CLANDON(onthepointofrising)。Wearedetainingyou，Iamafraid。
VALENTINE。Notatall，notatall。Yourpresenceherewillbethegreatesthelptome。Thefactis，Iowesixweek"srent；andI"vehadnopatientsuntilto-day。Myinterviewwithmylandlordwillbeconsiderablysmoothedbytheapparentboominmybusiness。
DOLLY(vexed)。Oh，howtiresomeofyoutoletitallout!Andwe"vejustbeenpretendingthatyouwerearespectableprofessionalmaninafirst-rateposition。
MRS。CLANDON(horrified)。Oh，Dolly，Dolly!Mydearest，howcanyoubesorude？(ToValentine。)Willyouexcusethesebarbarianchildrenofmine，Mr。Valentine？
VALENTINE。Thankyou，I"musedtothem。WoulditbetoomuchtoaskyoutowaitfiveminuteswhileIgetridofmylandlorddownstairs？
DOLLY。Don"tbelong。We"rehungry。
MRS。CLANDON(againremonstrating)。Dolly，dear!
VALENTINE(toDolly)。Allright。(ToMrs。Clandon。)Thankyou:I
shan"tbelong。(HestealsalookatGloriaasheturnstogo。Sheislookinggravelyathim。Hefallsintoconfusion。)I——er——er——yes——
thankyou(hesucceedsatlastinblunderinghimselfoutoftheroom；
buttheexhibitionisapitifulone)。
PHILIP。Didyouobserve？(PointingtoGloria。)Loveatfirstsight。Youcanaddhisscalptoyourcollection，Gloria。
MRS。CLANDON。Sh——sh，pray，Phil。Hemayhaveheardyou。
PHILIP。Nothe。(Bracinghimselfforascene。)Andnowlookhere，mamma。(Hetakesthestoolfromthebench；andseatshimselfmajesticallyinthemiddleoftheroom，takingaleafoutofValentine"sbook。Dolly，feelingthatherpositiononthestepoftheoperatingchairisunworthyofthedignityoftheoccasion，rises，lookingimportantanddetermined；crossestothewindow；andstandswithherbacktotheendofthewriting-table，herhandsbehindherandonthetable。Mrs。Clandonlooksatthem，wonderingwhatiscoming。Gloriabecomesattentive。Philipstraightenshisback；placeshisknucklessymmetricallyonhisknees；andopenshiscase。)DollyandIhavebeentalkingoverthingsagooddeallately；andIdon"tthink，judgingfrommyknowledgeofhumannature——wedon"tthinkthatyou(speakingverystaccato，withthewordsdetached)quiteappreciatethefact——
DOLLY(seatingherselfontheendofthetablewithaspring)。Thatwe"vegrownup。
MRS。CLANDON。Indeed？InwhatwayhaveIgivenyouanyreasontocomplain？
PHILIP。Well，therearecertainmattersuponwhichwearebeginningtofeelthatyoumighttakeusalittlemoreintoyourconfidence。
MRS。CLANDON(rising，withalltheplacidityofheragesuddenlybrokenup；andacurioushardexcitement，dignifiedbutdogged，ladylikebutimplacable——themanneroftheOldGuardoftheWomen"sRightsmovement——cominguponher)。Phil:takecare。RememberwhatIhavealwaystaughtyou。Therearetwosortsoffamilylife，Phil；andyourexperienceofhumannatureonlyextends，sofar，tooneofthem。
(Rhetorically。)Thesortyouknowisbasedonmutualrespect，onrecognitionoftherightofeverymemberofthehouseholdtoindependenceandprivacy(heremphasison"privacy"isintense)intheirpersonalconcerns。Andbecauseyouhavealwaysenjoyedthat，itseemssuchamatterofcoursetoyouthatyoudon"tvalueit。But(withbitingacrimony)thereisanothersortoffamilylife:alifeinwhichhusbandsopentheirwives"letters，andcallonthemtoaccountforeveryfarthingoftheirexpenditureandeverymomentoftheirtime；inwhichwomendothesametotheirchildren；inwhichnoroomisprivateandnohoursacred；inwhichduty，obedience，affection，home，moralityandreligionaredetestabletyrannies，andlifeisavulgarroundofpunishmentsandlies，coercionandrebellion，jealousy，suspicion，recrimination——Oh!Icannotdescribeittoyou:fortunatelyforyou，youknownothingaboutit。(Shesitsdown，panting。Gloriahaslistenedtoherwithflashingeyes，sharingallherindignation。)
DOLLY(inaccessibletorhetoric)。SeeTwentiethCenturyParents，chapteronLiberty，passim。
MRS。CLANDON(touchinghershoulderaffectionately，soothedevenbyagibefromher)。MydearDolly:ifyouonlyknewhowgladIamthatitisnothingbutajoketoyou，thoughitissuchbitterearnesttome。
(Moreresolutely，turningtoPhilip。)Phil，Ineveraskyouquestionsaboutyourprivateconcerns。Youarenotgoingtoquestionme，areyou？
PHILIP。Ithinkitduetoourselvestosaythatthequestionwewantedtoaskisasmuchourbusinessasyours。
DOLLY。Besides，itcan"tbegoodtokeepalotofquestionsbottledupinsideyou。Youdidit，mamma；butseehowawfullyit"sbrokenoutagaininme。
MRS。CLANDON。Iseeyouwanttoaskyourquestion。Askit。
DOLLYANDPHILIP(beginningsimultaneously)。Who——(Theystop。)
PHILIP。Nowlookhere，Dolly:amIgoingtoconductthisbusinessorareyou？
DOLLY。You。
PHILIP。Thenholdyourmouth。(Dollydoessoliterally。)Thequestionisasimpleone。Whentheivorysnatcher——
MRS。CLANDON(remonstrating)。Phil!
PHILIP。Dentistisanuglyword。ThemanofivoryandgoldaskeduswhetherwewerethechildrenofMr。DensmoreClandonofNewburyHall。
InpursuanceofthepreceptsinyourtreatiseonTwentiethCenturyConduct，andyourrepeatedpersonalexhortationstoustocurtailthenumberofunnecessarylieswetell，werepliedtruthfullythewedidn"tknow。
DOLLY。Neitherdidwe。
PHILIP。Sh!Theresultwasthatthegumarchitectmadeconsiderabledifficultiesaboutacceptingourinvitationtolunch，althoughIdoubtifhehashadanythingbutteaandbreadandbutterforafortnightpast。Nowmyknowledgeofhumannatureleadsmetobelievethatwehadafather，andthatyouprobablyknowwhohewas。
MRS。CLANDON(heragitationreturning)。Stop，Phil。Yourfatherisnothingtoyou，nortome(vehemently)。Thatisenough。(Thetwinsaresilenced，butnotsatisfied。Theirfacesfall。ButGloria，whohasbeenfollowingthealtercationattentively，suddenlyintervenes。)
GLORIA(advancing)。Mother:wehavearighttoknow。
MRS。CLANDON(risingandfacingher)。Gloria!"We!"Whois"we"？
GLORIA(steadfastly)。Wethree。(Hertoneisunmistakable:sheispittingherstrengthagainsthermotherforthefirsttime。Thetwinsinstantlygoovertotheenemy。)
MRS。CLANDON(wounded)。Inyourmouth"we"usedtomeanyouandI，Gloria。
PHILIP(risingdecisivelyandputtingawaythestool)。We"rehurtingyou:let"sdropit。Wedidn"tthinkyou"dmind。Idon"twanttoknow。
DOLLY(comingoffthetable)。I"msureIdon"t。Oh，don"tlooklikethat，mamma。(ShelooksangrilyatGloria。)
MRS。CLANDON(touchinghereyeshastilywithherhandkerchiefandsittingdownagain)。Thankyou，mydear。Thanks，Phil。
GLORIA(inexorably)。Wehavearighttoknow，mother。
MRS。CLANDON(indignantly)。Ah!Youinsist。
GLORIA。Doyouintendthatweshallneverknow？
DOLLY。Oh，Gloria，don"t。It"sbarbarous。
GLORIA(withquietscorn)。Whatistheuseofbeingweak？Youseewhathashappenedwiththisgentlemanhere，mother。Thesamethinghashappenedtome。
MRS。CLANDON}(all{Whatdoyoumean？
DOLLY}together)。{Oh，tellus。
PHILIP}{Whathappenedtoyou？
GLORIA。Oh，nothingofanyconsequence。(Sheturnsawayfromthemandgoesuptotheeasychairatthefireplace，whereshesitsdown，almostwithherbacktothem。Astheywaitexpectantly，sheadds，overhershoulder，withstudiedindifference。)Onboardthesteamerthefirstofficerdidmethehonortoproposetome。
DOLLY。No，itwastome。
MRS。CLANDON。Thefirstofficer!Areyouserious，Gloria？Whatdidyousaytohim？(correctingherself)Excuseme:Ihavenorighttoaskthat。
GLORIA。Theanswerisprettyobvious。Awomanwhodoesnotknowwhoherfatherwascannotacceptsuchanoffer。
MRS。CLANDON。Surelyyoudidnotwanttoacceptit？
GLORIA(turningalittleandraisinghervoice)。No；butsupposeI
hadwantedto!
PHILIP。Didthatdifficultystrikeyou，Dolly？
DOLLY。No，Iacceptedhim。
GLORIA}(allcrying{Acceptedhim!
MRS。CLANDON}out{Dolly!
PHILIP}together){Oh，Isay!
DOLLY(naively)。Hedidlooksuchafool!
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhydidyoudosuchathing，Dolly？
DOLLY。Forfun，Isuppose。Hehadtomeasuremyfingerforaring。
You"dhavedonethesamethingyourself。
MRS。CLANDON。No，Dolly，Iwouldnot。Asamatteroffactthefirstofficerdidproposetome；andItoldhimtokeepthatsortofthingforwomenwereyoungenoughtobeamusedbyit。Heappearstohaveactedonmyadvice。(Sherisesandgoestothehearth。)Gloria:Iamsorryyouthinkmeweak；butIcannottellyouwhatyouwant。Youarealltooyoung。
PHILIP。ThisisratherastartlingdeparturefromTwentiethCenturyprinciples。
DOLLY(quoting)。"Answerallyourchildren"squestions，andanswerthemtruthfully，assoonastheyareoldenoughtoaskthem。"SeeTwentiethCenturyMotherhood——
PHILIP。Pageone——
DOLLY。Chapterone——
PHILIP。Sentenceone。
MRS。CLANDON。Mydears:Ididnotsaythatyouweretooyoungtoknow。Isaidyouweretooyoungtobetakenintomyconfidence。Youareverybrightchildren，allofyou；butIamgladforyoursakesthatyouarestillveryinexperiencedandconsequentlyveryunsympathetic。
TherearesomeexperiencesofminethatIcannotbeartospeakofexcepttothosewhohavegonethroughwhatIhavegonethrough。Ihopeyouwillneverbequalifiedforsuchconfidences。ButIwilltakecarethatyoushalllearnallyouwanttoknow。Willthatsatisfyyou？
PHILIP。Anothergrievance，Dolly。
DOLLY。We"renotsympathetic。
GLORIA(leaningforwardinherchairandlookingearnestlyupathermother)。Mother:Ididnotmeantobeunsympathetic。
MRS。CLANDON(affectionately)。Ofcoursenot，dear。DoyouthinkI
don"tunderstand？
GLORIA(rising)。But，mother——
MRS。CLANDON(drawingbackalittle)。Yes？
GLORIA(obstinately)。Itisnonsensetotellusthatourfatherisnothingtous。
MRS。CLANDON(provokedtosuddenresolution)。Doyourememberyourfather？
GLORIA(meditatively，asiftherecollectionwereatenderone)。I
amnotquitesure。Ithinkso。
MRS。CLANDON(grimly)。Youarenotsure？
GLORIA。No。
MRS。CLANDON(withquietforce)。Gloria:ifIhadeverstruckyou——
(Gloriarecoils:PhilipandDollyaredisagreeablyshocked；allthreestartather，revoltedasshecontinues)——struckyoupurposely，deliberately，withtheintentionofhurtingyou，withawhipboughtforthepurpose!Wouldyourememberthat，doyouthink？(Gloriauttersanexclamationofindignantrepulsion。)Thatwouldhavebeenyourlastrecollectionofyourfather，Gloria，ifIhadnottakenyouawayfromhim。Ihavekepthimoutofyourlife:keephimnowoutofminebynevermentioninghimtomeagain。(Gloria，withashudder，coversherfacewithherhands，until，hearingsomeoneatthedoor，sheturnsawayandpretendstooccupyherselflookingatthenamesofthebooksinthebookcase。Mrs。Clandonsitsdownonthesofa。Valentinereturns。)。
VALENTINE。IhopeI"venotkeptyouwaiting。Thatlandlordofmineisreallyanextraordinaryoldcharacter。
DOLLY(eagerly)。Oh，tellus。Howlonghashegivenyoutopay？
MRS。CLANDON(distractedbyherchild"sbadmanners)。Dolly，Dolly，Dollydear!Youmustnotaskquestions。
DOLLY(demurely)。Sosorry。You"lltellus，won"tyou，Mr。
Valentine？
VALENTINE。Hedoesn"twanthisrentatall。He"sbrokenhistoothonaBrazilnut；andhewantsmetolookatitandtolunchwithhimafterwards。
DOLLY。Thenhavehimupandpullhistoothoutatonce；andwe"llbringhimtolunch，too。Tellthemaidtofetchhimalong。(Sherunstothebellandringsitvigorously。Then，withasuddendoubtsheturnstoValentineandadds)Isupposehe"srespectable——reallyrespectable。
VALENTINE。Perfectly。Notlikeme。
DOLLY。HonestInjun？(Mrs。Clandongaspsfaintly；butherpowersofremonstranceareexhausted。)
VALENTINE。HonestInjun!
DOLLY。Thenoffwithyouandbringhimup。
VALENTINE(lookingdubiouslyatMrs。Clandon)。Idaresayhe"dbedelightedif——er——？
MRS。CLANDON(risingandlookingatherwatch)。Ishallbehappytoseeyourfriendatlunch，ifyoucanpersuadehimtocome；butIcan"twaittoseehimnow:IhaveanappointmentatthehotelataquartertoonewithanoldfriendwhomIhavenotseensinceIleftEnglandeighteenyearsago。Willyouexcuseme？