第3章

AndnoframeofmindwaseversoselfcontradictoryandyetsorealisticasthatwhichDickensdescribeswhenhesays，ineffect，that，thoughPinchknewnowthattherehadneverbeensuchapersonasPecksniff，inhisidealsense，hecouldnotbringhimselftoinsulttheveryfaceandformthathadcontainedthelegend。TheparallelwithLiberaljournalismisnotperfect；becauseitwasoncehonest；andPecksniffpresumablyneverwas。AndevenwhenIcometofeelafinalincompatibilityoftemper，PecksniffwasnotsoPecksniffianashehassincebecome。ButthecomparisoniscompleteinsofarasIshareallthereluctanceofMr。

Pinch。SomeoldheathenkingwasadvisedbyoneoftheCelticsaints，I

think，toburnwhathehadadoredandadorewhathehadburnt。Iamquiteready，ifanyonewillproveIwaswrong，toadorewhatIhaveburnt；butI

doreallyfeelanunwillingnessverginguponweaknesstoburningwhatI

haveadored。Ithinkitisaweaknesstobeovercomeintimesasbadasthese，when(asMr。Oragewrotewithsomethinglikesplendidcommonsensetheotherday)thereissuchalottodoandsofewpeoplewhowilldoit。

SoIwilldevotethisarticletoconsideringonecaseoftheastoundingbasenesstowhichLiberaljournalismhassunk。

MentalBreakdowninFleetStreetOneofthetwoorthreestreaksoflightonourhorizoncanbeperceivedinthis:thatthemoralbreakdownofthesepapershasbeenaccompaniedbyamentalbreakdownalso。Thecontemporaryofficialpaper，likethe"DailyNews"orthe"DailyChronicle"(Imeaninsofarasitdealswithpolitics)，simplycannotargue；andsimplydoesnotpretendtoargue。Itconsidersthesolutionwhichitimaginesthatwealthypeoplewant，anditsignifiesthesameintheusualmanner；whichisnotbyholdingupitshand，butbyfallingonitsface。Butthereisnomorecuriousqualityinitsdegradationthanasortofcarelessness，atonceofhurryandfatigue，withwhichitflingsdownitsargument——orratheritsrefusaltoargue。

Itdoesnotevenwritesophistry:itwritesanything。Itdoesnotsomuchpoisonthereader"smindassimplyassumethatthereaderhasn"tgotone。

Forinstance，oneofthesepapersprintedanarticleonSirStuartSamuel，who，havingbrokenthegreatLiberalstatuteagainstcorruption，willactually，perhaps，beaskedtopayhisownfine——inspiteofthefactthathecanwellaffordtodoso。Thearticlesays，ifIrememberaright，thatthedecisionwillcausegeneralsurpriseandsomeindignation。ThatanymodernGovernmentmakingaveryrichcapitalistobeythelawwillcausegeneralsurprise，maybetrue。WhetheritwillcausegeneralindignationratherdependsonwhetheroursocialintercourseisentirelyconfinedtoParkLane，oranysuchpigstiesbuiltofgold。Butthejournalistproceedstosay，hisneckrisinghigherandhigheroutofhiscollar，andhishairrisinghigherandhigheronhishead，inshort，hisresemblancetotheDickens"originalincreasingeveryinstant，thathedoesnotmeanthatthelawagainstcorruptionshouldbelessstringent，butthattheburdenshouldbebornebythewholecommunity。Thismaymeanthatwheneverarichmanbreaksthelaw，allthepoormenoughttobemadetopayhisfine。ButIwillsupposeaslightlylessinsanemeaning。Iwillsupposeitmeansthatthewholepowerofthecommonwealthshouldbeusedtoprosecuteanoffenderofthiskind。That，ofcourse，canonlymeanthatthematterwillbedecidedbythatinstrumentwhichstillpretendstorepresentthewholepowerofthecommonwealth。Inotherwords，theGovernmentwilljudgetheGovernment。

Nowthisisaperfectlyplainpieceofbrutelogic。Weneednotgointotheotherdeliciousthingsinthearticle，aswhenitsaysthat"inoldtimesParliamenthadtobeprotectedagainstRoyalinvasionbythemaninthestreet。"Parliamenthastobeprotectednowagainstthemaninthestreet。Parliamentissimplythemostdetestedandthemostdetestableofallournationalinstitutions:allthatisevidentenough。Whatisinterestingistheblankandstaringfallacyoftheattemptedreply。

WhentheJournalistIsRuinedAlongwhileago，beforealltheLiberalsdied，aLiberalintroducedaBilltopreventParliamentbeingmerelypackedwiththeslavesoffinancialinterests。Forthatpurposeheestablishedtheexcellentdemocraticprinciplethattheprivatecitizen，assuch，mightprotestagainstpubliccorruption。HewascalledtheCommonInformer。Ibelievethemiserablepartypapersarereallyreducedtoplayingonthedegradationofthetwowordsinmodernlanguage。Nowtheword"comnon"in"CommonInformer"meansexactlywhatitmeansin"commonsense"or"BookofCommonPrayer，"or(aboveall)in"HouseofCommons。"Itdoesnotmeananythingloworvulgar；anymorethantheydo。TheonlydifferenceisthattheHouseofCommonsreallyislowandvulgar；andtheCommonInformerisn"t。Itisjustthesamewiththeword"Informer。"Itdoesnotmeanspyorsneak。Itmeansonewhogivesinformation。Itmeanswhat"journalist"oughttomean。TheonlydifferenceisthattheCommonInformermaybepaidifhetellsthetruth。Thecommonjournalistwillberuinedifhedoes。

Nowthequiteplainpointbeforethepartyjournalististhis:IfhereallymeansthatacorruptbargainbetweenaGovernmentandacontractoroughttobejudgedbypublicopinion，hemust(nowadays)meanParliament；

thatis，thecaucusthatcontrolsParliament。Andhemustdecidebetweenoneoftwoviews。EitherhemeansthatthereCanbenosuchthingasacorruptGovernment。OrhemeansthatitisoneofthecharacteristicqualitiesofacorruptGovernmenttodenounceitsowncorruption。Ilaugh；

andIleavehimhischoice。

THEFATIGUEOFFLEETSTREET

Whyisthemodernpartypoliticaljournalismsobad？Itisworseeventhanitintendstobe。Itpraisesitspreposterouspartyleadersthroughthickandthin；butitsomehowsucceedsinmakingthemlookgreaterfoolsthantheyare。Thisclumsinessclingseventothephotographsofpublicmen，astheyaresnapshottedatpublicmeetings。Asensitivepolitician(ifthereissuchathing)would，Ishouldthink，wanttomurderthemanwhosnapshotshimatthosemoments。Forourgeneralimpressionofaman"sgestureorplayoffeatureismadeupofaseriesofvanishinginstants，atanyoneofwhichhemaylookworsethanourgeneralimpressionrecords。

Mr。AugustineBirrellmayhavemadequiteasensibleandamusingspeech，inthecourseofwhichhisaudiencewouldhardlyhavenoticedthatheresettledhisnecktie。Snapshothim，andheappearsasconvulsivelyclutchinghisthroatintheagoniesofstrangulation，andwithhisheadtwistedononesideasifhehadbeenhanged。SirEdwardCarsonmightmakeaperfectlygoodspeech，whichnoonethoughtwearisome，butmighthimselfbejusttiredenoughtoshiftfromonelegtotheother。Snapshothim，andheappearsasholdingonelegstifflyintheairandyawningenoughtoswallowtheaudience。ButitisintheprosenarrativesofthePressthatwefindmostmanifestationsofthisstrangeineptitude；thisknackofexhibitingyourownfavouritesinanunluckylight。Itisnotsomuchthatthepartyjournalistsdonottellthetruthasthattheytelljustenoughofittomakeitclearthattheyaretellinglies。Oneoftheirfavouriteblundersisanamazingsortofbathos。Theybeginbytellingyouthatsomestatesmansaidsomethingbrilliantinstyleorbitinginwit，atwhichhishearersthrilledwithterrororthunderedwithapplause。Andthentheytellyouwhatitwasthathesaid。Sillyasses!

InsaneExaggerationHereisanexamplefromaleadingLiberalpapertouchingthedebatesonHomeRule。IamaHomeRuler；somysympathieswouldbe，ifanything，onthesideoftheLiberalpaperuponthatpoint。Imerelyquoteitasanexampleofthisridiculouswayofwriting，which，byinsaneexaggeration，actuallymakesitsherolooksmallerthanheis。

Thiswasstrangelanguagetouseaboutthe"hypocriticalsham，"andMr。

Asquith，knowingthatthebiggestbattleofhiscareerwasuponhim，hitbackwithoutmercy。"Ishouldlikefirsttoknow，"saidhe，withaglanceathissupporters，"whethermyproposalsareaccepted？"

That"sall。AndIreallydonotseewhypoorMr。AsquithshouldberepresentedashavingviolatedtheChristianvirtueofmercybysayingthat。Imyselfcouldcomposeagreatmanyparagraphsuponthesamemodel，eachcontainingitsstingingandperhapsunscrupulousepigram。As，forexample:——"TheArchbishopofCanterbury，realisingthathischoicenowlaybetweendenyingGodandearningthecrownofmartyrdombydyingintorments，spokewithafrenzyofreligiouspassionthatmighthaveseemedfanaticalundercircumstanceslessintense。"TheChildren"sService，"hesaidfirmly，withhisfacetothecongregation，"willbeheldathalf-pastfourthisafternoonasusual。""

Or，wemighthave:——"LordRoberts，recognisingthathehadnowtofaceArmageddon，andthatifhelostthislastbattleagainstoverwhelmingoddstheindependenceofEnglandwouldbeextinguishedforever，addressedtohissoldiers(lookingatthemandnotfallingoffhishorse)aspeechwhichbroughttheirnationalpassionstoboilingpoint，andmightwellhaveseemedblood-thirstyinquietertimes。Itendedwiththecelebrateddeclarationthatitwasafineday。"

Orwemighthavethemuchgreaterexcitementofreadingsomethinglikethis:——"TheAstronomerRoyal，havingrealisedthattheearthwouldcertainlybesmashedtopiecesbyacometunlesshisrequestsinconnectionwithwirelesstelegraphywereseriouslyconsidered，gaveanaddressattheRoyalSocietywhich，underothercircumstances，wouldhaveseemedundulydogmaticandemotionalanddeficientinscientificagnosticism。Thisaddress(whichhedeliveredwithoutanyattempttostandonhishead)includedafierceandevenferociousdeclarationthatitisgenerallyeasiertoseethestarsbynightthanbyday。"

Now，Icannotsee，onmyconscienceandreason，thatanyoneofmyimaginaryparagraphsismoreridiculousthantherealone。NobodycanbelievethatMr。AsquithregardsthesebelatedandcarefulcompromisesaboutHomeRuleas"thebiggestbattleofhiscareer。"Itisonlyjusticetohimtosaythathehashadbiggerbattlesthanthat。Nobodycanbelievethatanybodyofmen，bodilypresent，eitherthunderedorthrilledatamanmerelysayingthathewouldliketoknowwhetherhisproposalswereaccepted。No；itwouldbefarbetterforParliamentifitsdoorswereshutagain，andreporterswereexcluded。Inthatcase，theouterpublicdidheargenuinerumoursofalmostgiganticeloquence；suchasthatwhichhasperpetuatedPitt"sreplyagainstthechargeofyouth，orFox"sbludgeoningoftheideaofwarasacompromise。Itwouldbemuchbettertofollowtheoldfashionandletinnoreportersatallthantofollowthenewfashionandselectthestupidestreportersyoucanfind。

TheirLoadofLiesNow，whydopeopleinFleet-streettalksuchtosh？PeopleinFleet-streetarenotfools。Mostofthemhaverealisedrealitythroughwork；somethroughstarvation；somethroughdamnation，orsomethingdamnablylikeit。

Ithinkitissimplyandseriouslytruethattheyaretiredoftheirjob。

AsthegeneralsaidinM。Rostand"splay，"lafatigue!"

IdoreallybelievethatthisisoneofthewaysinwhichGod(don"tgetflurried，Natureifyoulike)isunexpectedlyavengedonthingsinfamousandunreasonable。Andthismethodisthatmen"smoralandevenphysicaltenacityactuallygiveoutundersuchaloadoflies。TheygoonwritingtheirleadingarticlesandtheirParliamentaryreports。Theygoondoingitasaconvictgoesonpickingoakum。Butthepointisnotthatweareboredwiththeirarticles；thepointisthattheyare。Theworkisdoneworsebecauseitisdoneweaklyandwithouthumanenthusiasm。Anditisdoneweaklybecauseofthetruthwehavetoldsomanytimesinthisbook:

thatitisnotdoneformonarchy，forwhichmenwilldie；orfordemocracy，forwhichmenwilldie；orevenforaristocracy，forwhichmanymenhavedied。ItisdoneforathingcalledCapitalism:whichstandsoutquiteclearlyinhistoryinmanycuriousways。Butthemostcuriousthingaboutitisthatnomanhaslovedit；andnomandiedforit。

THEAMNESTYFORAGGRESSION

Ifthereistoriseoutofallthisredruinsomethinglikearepublicofjustice，itisessentialthatourviewsshouldberealviews；thatis，glimpsesoflivesandlandscapesoutsideourselves。Itisessentialthattheyshouldnotbemereopiumvisionsthatbeginandendinsmoke——andsooftenincannonsmoke。Imakenoapology，therefore，forreturningtothepurelypracticalandrealisticpointIurgedlastweek:thefactthatweshallloseeverythingwemighthavegainedifwelosetheideathattheresponsiblepersonisresponsible。

Forinstance，itisalmostspeciallysowiththeoneortwothingsinwhichtheBritishGovernment，ortheBritishpublic，reallyarebehavingbadly。Thefirst，andworstofthem，isthenon-extensionoftheMoratorium，ortruceofdebtorandcreditor，totheveryworldwheretherearethepoorestdebtorsandthccruellestcreditors。Thisisinfamous:

andshouldbe，ifpossible，moreinfamoustothosewhothinkthewarrightthantothosewhothinkitwrong。Everyoneknowsthatthepeoplewhocanleastpaytheirdebtsarethepeoplewhoarealwaystryingto。Amongthepoorapaymentmaybeasrashasaspeculation。Amongtherichabankruptcymaybeassafeasabank。Consideringtheclassfromwhichprivatesoldiersaretaken，thereisanatrociousmeannessintheideaofbuyingtheirbloodabroad，whileweselltheirsticksathome。TheEnglishlanguage，bytheway，isfullofdelicateparadoxes。Wetalkoftheprivatesoldiersbecausetheyarereallypublicsoldiers；andwetalkofthepublicschoolsbecausetheyarereallyprivateschools。Anyhow，thewrongisofthesortthatoughttoberesisted，asmuchinwarasinpeace。

OughttoBeHammeredButaslongaswespeakofitasacloudyconclusion，cometobyananonymousclubcalledParliament，oramaskedtribunalcalledtheCabinet，weshallnevergetsuchawrongrighted。Somebodyisofficiallyresponsiblefortheunfairness；andthatsomebodyoughttobehammered。

Theotherexample，lessimportantbutmoreludicrous，isthesillyboycottofGermansinEngland，extendingeventoGermanmusic。IdonotbelieveforamomentthattheEnglishpeoplefeelanysuchinsanefastidiousness。

AretheEnglishartistswhopractisetheparticularlyEnglishartofwater-colourtobeforbiddentousePrussianblue？ArealloldladiestoshoottheirPomeraniandogs？ButthoughEnglandwouldlaughatthis，shewillgetthecreditofit，andwillcontinue:untilweaskwhotheactualpersonsarewhofeelsurethatweshouldshudderataballadoftheRhine。

Itiscertainthatweshouldfindtheyarecapitalists。Itisveryprobablethatweshouldfindtheyareforeigners。

SomedaysagotheOfficialCounciloftheIndependentLabourParty，ortheIndependentCounciloftheOfficialLabourParty，ortheIndependentandOfficialCounciloftheLabourParty(Ihavegotquitenervousaboutthesenamesanddistinctions；buttheyallseemtosaythesamething)begantheirmanifestobysayingitwouldbedifficulttoassignthedegreesofresponsibilitywhicheachnationhadfortheoutbreakofthewar。

Afterwards，awriterinthe"ChristianCommonwealth，"lamentingwarinthenameofLabour，butinthelanguageofmyownromanticmiddle-class，saidthatallthenationsmustsharetheresponsibilityforthisgreatcalamityofwar。Nowexactlyaslongaswegoontalkinglikethatweshallhavewarafterwar，andcalamityaftercalamity，untilthecrackofdoom。Itsimplyamountstoapromiseofpardontoanypersonwhowillstartaquarrel。Itisanamnestyforassassins。Themomentanymanassaultsanyothermanhemakesalltheothermenasbadashimself。Hehasonlytostab，andtovanishinafogofforgetfulness。Therealeaglesofiron，thepredatoryEmpires，willbedelightedwiththisdoctrine。TheywillapplaudtheLabourConcertorCommittee，orwhateveritiscalled。Theywillwillinglytakeallthecrime，withonlyaquarteroftheconscience:

theywillbeasreadytosharethememoryastheyaretosharethespoil。

ThePowerswilldivideresponsibilityascalmlyastheydividedPoland。

TheWholeLoathsomeLoadButIstillstubbornlyandmeeklysubmitmypoint:thatyoucannotendwarwithoutaskingwhobeganit。Ifyouthinksomebodyelse，notGermany，beganit，thenblamethatsomebodyelse:donotblameeverybodyandnobody。

Perhapsyouthinkthatasmallsovereignpeople，freshfromtwotriumphantwars，oughttodiscrownitselfbeforesunrise；becausethenephewofaneighbouringEmperorhasbeenshotbyhisownsubjects。Verywell。ThenblameServia；and，totheextentofyourinfluence，youmaybepreventingsmallkingdomsbeingobstinateorevenprincesbeingshot。

PerhapsyouthinkthewholethingwasahugeconspiracyofRussia，withFranceasadupeandServiaasapretext。Verywell。ThenblameRussia；

and，totheextentofyourinfluence，youmaybepreventinggreatEmpiresfrommakingracialexcusesforaraid。PerhapsyouthinkFrancewrongforfeelingwhatyoucall"revenge，"andIshouldcallrecoveryofstolengoods。PerhapsyoublameBelgiumforbeingsentimentalaboutherfrontier；

orEnglandforbeingsentimentalaboutherword。Ifso，blamethem；orwhicheverofthemyouthinkistoblame。Oragain，itisbarelypossiblethatyoumaythink，asIdo，thatthewholeloathsomeloadhasbeenlaiduponusbythemonarchywhichIhavenotnamed；stilllesswastedtimeinabusing。ButiftherebeinEuropeamilitaryStatewhichhasnotthereligionofRussia，yethashelpedRussiatotyranniseoverthePoles，thatStatecaresnotforreligion，butfortyranny。IftherebeaStateinEuropewhichhasnotthereligionoftheAustrians，buthashelpedAustriatobullytheServians，thatStatecaresnotforbelief，butforbullying。IftherebeinEuropeanypeopleorprincipalitywhichrespectsneitherrepublicsnorreligions，towhichthepoliticalidealofParisisasmuchamythasthemysticalidealofMoscow，thenblamethat:anddomorethanblame。InthehealthyandhighlytheologicalwordsofRobertBlatchford，driveitbacktotheHellfromwhichitcame。

CryingOverSpiltBloodButwhateveryoudo，donotblameeverybodyforwhatwascertainlydonebysomebody。Itmaybeitisnogoodcryingoverspiltblood，anymorethanoverspiltmilk。Butwedonotfindtheculpritanymorebyspillingthemilkovereverybody；orbydaubingeverybodywithblood。Stilllessdoweimprovemattersbywateringthemilkwithourtears，northebloodeither。

Tosaythateverybodyisresponsiblemeansthatnobodyisresponsible。

IfinthefutureweseeRussiaannexingRutland(aspartoftheoldKingdomofMuscovy)，ifweseeBavariatakingasuddenfancytotheBankofEngland，ortheKingoftheCannibalIslandssuddenlydemandingatributeofedibleboysandgirlsfromEnglandandAmerica，wemaybequitecertainalsothattheLeaderoftheLabourPartywillrise，withaslightcough，andsay:"Itwouldbeadifficulttasktoapportiontheblamebetweenthevariousclaimswhich……"

REVIVETHECOURTJESTER

IhopetheGovernmentwillnotthinkjustnowaboutappointingaPoetLaureate。Ihardlythinktheycanbealtogetherintherightmood。Thebusinessjustnowbeforethecountrymakesaverygooddetectivestory；

butasanationalepicitisalittledepressing。Jingoliteraturealwaysweakensanation；butevenhealthypatrioticliteraturehasitspropertimeandoccasion。Forinstance，Mr。Newbolt(whohasbeensuggestedforthepost)isaveryfinepoet；butIthinkhispatrioticlyricswouldjustnowratherjaruponapatriot。WearerathertoomuchconcernedaboutourpracticalseamanshiptofeelquiteconfidentthatDrakewillreturnand"drumthemuptheChannelashedrummedthemlongago。"Onthecontrary，wehaveanuncomfortablefeelingthatDrake"sshipmightsuddenlygotothebottom，becausethecapitalistshavemadeLloydGeorgeabolishthePlimsollLine。Onecouldnot，withoutbeingunderstoodironically，adjurethetwopartyteamsto-dayto"playup，playupandplaythegame，"orto"lovethegamemorethantheprize。"Andthereisnonationalheroatthismomentinthesoldieringline——unless，perhaps，itisMajorArcher-Shee——ofwhomanyonewouldbelikelytosay:"Sedmiles；sedpropatria。"Thereis，indeed，onebeautifulpoemofMr。Newbolt"swhichmayminglefaintlywithone"sthoughtsinsuchtimes，butthat，alas，istoaverydifferenttune。ImeanthatoneinwhichheechoesTurner"sconceptionoftheoldwoodenshipvanishingwithallthevaliantmemoriesoftheEnglish:

There"safarbellringingAtthesettingofthesun，AndaphantomvoiceissingingOfthegreatdaysdone。

There"safarbellringing，AndaphantomvoiceissingingOfafameforeverclingingTothegreatdaysdone。

Forthesunsetbreezesshiver，Temeraire，Temeraire，Andshe"sfadingdowntheriver……

Well，well，neitheryounorIknowwhethersheisfadingdowntheriverornot。Itisquiteenoughforustoknow，asKingAlfreddid，thatagreatmanypirateshavelandedonbothbanksoftheThames。

PraiseandProphecyImpossibleAtthismomentthatistheonlykindofpatrioticpoemthatcouldsatisfytheemotionsofapatrioticperson。ButitcertainlyisnotthesortofpoemthatisexpectedfromaPoetLaureate，eitheronthehighestorthelowesttheoryofhisoffice。Heiseitheragreatminstrelsingingthevictoriesofagreatking，orheisacommonCourtofficialliketheGroomofthePowderCloset。Inthefirstcasehispraisesshouldbetrue；inthesecondcasetheywillnearlyalwaysbefalse；butineithercasehemustpraise。Andwhatthereisforhimtopraisejustnowitwouldbeprecioushardtosay。Andifthereisnogreathopeofarealpoet，thereisstilllesshopeofarealprophet。WhatNewmancalled，Ithink，"ThePropheticalOffice，"thatis，theinstitutionofaninspiredprotestevenagainstaninspiredreligion，certainlywouldnotdoinmodernEngland。

TheCourtisnotlikelytokeepatameprophetinordertoencouragehimtobewild。ItisnotlikelytopayamantosaythatwolvesshallhowlinDowning-streetandvulturesbuildtheirnestsinBuckinghamPalace。Sovasthasbeentheprogressofhumanitythatthesetwothingsarequiteimpossible。Wecannothaveagreatpoetpraisingkings。Wecannothaveagreatprophetdenouncingkings。SoIhavetofallbackonathirdsuggestion。

TheFieldforaFoolInsteadofrevivingtheCourtPoet，whynotrevivetheCourtFool？HeistheonlypersonwhocoulddoanygoodatthismomenteithertotheRoyalorthejudicialCourts。Thepresentpoliticalsituationisutterlyunsuitableforthepurposesofagreatpoet。Butitisparticularlysuitableforthepurposesofagreatbuffoon。Theoldjesterwasundercertainprivileges:youcouldnotresentthejokesofafool，justasyoucannotresentthesermonsofacurate。Now，whatthepresentGovernmentofEnglandwantsisneitherseriouspraisenorseriousdenunciation；whatitwantsissatire。Whatitwants，inotherwords，isrealismgivenwithgusto。WhenKingLouistheEleventhunexpectedlyvisitedhisenemy，theDukeofBurgundy，withasmallescort，theDuke"sjestersaidhewouldgivetheKinghisfool"scap，forhewasthefoolnow。AndwhentheDukerepliedwithdignity，"AndsupposeItreathimwithallproperrespect？"

thefoolanswered，"ThenIwillgiveittoyou。"Thatisthekindofthingthatsomebodyoughttobefreetosaynow。Butifyousayitnowyouwillbefinedahundredpoundsattheleast。

Carson"sDilemmaForthethingsthathavebeenhappeninglatelyarenotmerelythingsthatonecouldjokeabout。Theyarethemselves，trulyandintrinsically，jokes。

Imeanthatthereisasortofepigramofunreasoninthesituationitself，astherewasinthesituationwheretherewasjamyesterdayandjamto-morrowbutneverjamto-day。Take，forinstance，theextraordinarycaseofSirEdwardCarson。ThepointisnotwhetherweregardhisattitudeinBelfastasthedefianceofasincereanddogmaticrebel，orasthebluffofapartyhackandmountebank。ThepointisnotwhetherweregardhisdefenceoftheGovernmentattheOldBaileyasachivalrousandreluctantdutydoneasanadvocateorafriend，orasamerecaseofalawyersellinghissoulforafatbrief。Thepointisthatwhicheverofthetwoactionsweapprove，andwhicheverofthefourexplanationsweadopt，SirEdward"spositionisstillravingnonsense。Onanyargument，hecannotescapefromhisdilemma。Itmaybearguedthatlawsandcustomsshouldbeobeyedwhateverourprivatefeelings；andthatitisanestablishedcustomtoacceptabriefinsuchacase。ButthenitisasomewhatmoreestablishedcustomtoobeyanActofParliamentandtokeepthepeace。ItmaybearguedthatextrememisgovernmentjustifiesmeninUlsterorelsewhereinrefusingtoobeythelaw。Butthenitwouldjustifythemevenmoreinrefusingtoappearprofessionallyinalawcourt。

EtiquettecannotbeatoncesounimportantthatCarsonmayshootattheKing"suniform，andyetsoimportantthathemustalwaysbereadytoputonhisown。TheGovernmentcannotbesodisreputablethatCarsonneednotlaydownhisgun，andyetsorespectablethatheisboundtoputonhiswig。Carsoncannotatoncebesofiercethathecankillinwhatheconsidersagoodcause，andyetsomeekthathemustargueinwhatheconsidersabadcause。Obedienceordisobedience，conventionalorunconventional，asolicitor"slettercannotbemoresacredthantheKing"swrit；abluebagcannotbemorerationalthantheBritishflag。Thethingisrubbishreadanyway，andtheonlydifficultyistogetajokegoodenoughtoexpressit。ItisacasefortheCourtJester。Thephantasyofitcouldonlybeexpressedbysomehugeceremonialhoax。Carsonoughttobecrownedwiththeshamrocksandemeraldsandfollowedbygreen-cladminstrelsoftheClan-na-Gael，playing"TheWearingoftheGreen。"

BelatedChattinessbyWirelessButalltherecenteventsarelikethat。Theyarepracticaljokes。Thejokesdonotneedtobemade:theyonlyneedtobepointedout。YouandIdonottalkandactastheIsaacsbrotherstalkedandacted，bytheirownmostfavourableaccountofthemselves；andeventheiraccountofthemselveswasbynomeansfavourable。YouandIdonottalkofmeetingourownbornbrother"atafamilyfunction"asifheweresomeinfinitelydistantcousinwhomweonlymetatChristmas。YouandI，whenwesuddenlyfeelinclinedforachatwiththesamebrotherabouthisdinnerandtheCoalStrike，donotgenerallyselecteitherwirelesstelegraphyortheAtlanticCableasthemostobviousandeconomicalchannelforthatoutburstofbelatedchattiness。YouandIdonottalk，ifitisproposedtostartarailwaybetweenCatsvilleandDogtown，asiftheputtingupofastationatDogtowncouldhavenokindofeconomiceffectontheputtingupofastationatCatsville。YouandIdonotthinkitcandidtosaythatwhenweareatoneendofatelephonewehavenosortofconnectionwiththeotherend。Thesethingshavegotintotheregionoffarce；andshouldbedealtwithfarcically，notevenferociously。

AFoolWhoShallBeFreeIntheRomanRepublictherewasaTribuneofthePeople，whosepersonwasinviolablelikeanambassador"s。TherewasmuchthesameideainBecket"sattempttoremovethePriest，whowasthenthepopularchampion，fromtheordinarycourts。WeshallhavenoTribune；forwehavenorepublic。WeshallhavenoPriest；forwehavenoreligion。ThebestwedeserveorcanexpectisaFoolwhoshallbefree；andwhoshalldeliveruswithlaughter。

THEARTOFMISSINGTHEPOINT

Missingthepointisaveryfineart；andhasbeencarriedtosomethinglikeperfectionbypoliticiansandPressmento-day。Forthepointisgenerallyaverysharppoint；andis，moreover，sharpatbothends。Thatistosaythatbothpartieswouldprobablyimpalethemselvesinanuncomfortablemanneriftheydidnotmanagetoavoiditaltogether。I

havejustbeenlookingattheelectionaddressoftheofficialLiberalcandidateforthepartofthecountryinwhichIlive；andthoughitis，ifanything，rathermorelogicalandfreefromcantthanmostotherdocumentsofthesortitisanexcellentexampleofmissingthepoint。

ThecandidatehastogoboringonaboutFreeTradeandLandReformandEducation；andnobodyreadingitcouldpossiblyimaginethatinthetownofWycombe，wherethepollwillbedeclared，thecapitaloftheWycombedivisionofBuckswhichthecandidateiscontesting，centreoftheimportantandvitaltradeonwhichithasthriven，asavagestruggleaboutjusticehasbeenragingformonthspastbetweenthepoorandrich，asrealastheFrenchRevolution。ThemanofferinghimselfatWycombeasrepresentativeoftheWycombedivisionsimplysaysnothingaboutitatall。

ItisasifamanatthecrisisoftheFrenchTerrorhadofferedhimselfasadeputyforthetownofParis，andhadsaidnothingabouttheMonarchy，nothingabouttheRepublic，nothingaboutthemassacres，nothingaboutthewar；buthadexplainedwithgreatclearnesshisviewsonthesuppressionoftheJansenists，theliterarystyleofRacine，thesuitabilityofTurenaeforthepostofcommander-in-chief，andthereligiousreflectionsofMadamedeMaintenon。For，attheirbest，thecandidate"stopicsarenottopical。HomeRuleisaverygoodthing，andmoderneducationisaverybadthing；butneitherofthemarethingsthatanybodyistalkingaboutinHighWycombe。Thisisthefirstandsimplestwayofmissingthepoint:deliberatelytoavoidandignoreit。

TheCandidCandidateItwouldbeanamusingexperiment，bytheway，togotothepointinsteadofavoidingit。WhatfunitwouldbetostandasastrictPartycandidate，butissueaperfectlyfrankandcynicalElectionAddress。Mr。

Mosley"saddressbegins，"Gentlemen，——SirAlfredCrippshavingbeenchosenforahighjudicialpositionandaseatintheHouseofLords，aby-electionnowbecomesnecessary，andtheelectorsofSouthBucksarechargedwiththeresponsibledutyofelecting，etc。，etc。"Butsupposetherewereanothercandidatewhoseelectionaddressopenedinaplain，manlystyle，likethis:"Gentlemen，——InthesincerehopeofbeingmyselfchosenforahighjudicialpositionoraseatintheHouseofLords，orconsiderablyincreasingmyprivatefortunebysomeGovernmentappointment，or，atleast，insideinformationaboutthefinancialprospects，Ihavedecidedthatitisworthmywhiletodisburselargesumsofmoneytoyouonvariouspretexts，and，withevenmorereluctancetoendurethebadspeakingandbadventilationoftheCommons"HouseofParliament，sohelpmeGod。Ihaveverypronouncedconvictionsonvariouspoliticalquestions；

butIwillnottroublemyfellow-citizenswiththem，sinceIhavequitemadeupmymindtoabandonanyorallofthemifrequestedtodosobytheupperclasses。TheelectorsarethereforechargedwiththeentirelyirresponsibledutyofelectingaMember；or，inotherwords，Iaskmyneighboursroundaboutthispart，whoknowIamnotabadchapinmanyways，todomeagoodturninmybusiness，justasImightaskthemtochangeasovereign。Myelectionwillhavenoconceivablekindofeffectonanythingoranybodyexceptmyself；soIask，asmantoman，theElectorsoftheSouthernorWycombeDivisionoftheCountyofBuckinghamtoacceptarideinoneofmymotor-cars；andpollearlytopleaseapal——GodSavetheKing。"IdonotknowwhetheryouorIwouldbeelectedifwepresentedourselveswithanelectionaddressofthatkind；butweshouldhavehadourfunand(comparativelyspeaking)savedoursouls；andIhaveastrongsuspicionthatweshouldbeelectedorrejectedonamechanicalmajoritylikeanybodyelse；nobodyhavingdreamedofreadinganelectionaddressanymorethananadvertisementofahairrestorer。

TyrannyandHead-DressButthereisanotherandmoresubtlewayinwhichwemaymissthepoint；

andthatis，notbykeepingadeadsilenceaboutit，butbybeingjustwittyenoughtostateitwrong。Thus，someoftheLiberalofficialpapershavealmostscreweduptheircouragetothesticking-pointaboutthebestialcoupd"etatinSouthAfrica。Theyhavescreweduptheircouragetothesticking-point；andithasstuck。Itcannotgetanyfurther；

becauseithasmissedthemainpoint。ThemodernLiberalsmaketheirfeebleattemptstoattacktheintroductionofslaveryintoSouthAfricabytheDutchandtheJews，byaverytypicalevasionofthevitalfact。Thevitalfactissimplyslavery。MostoftheseDutchmenhavealwaysfeltlikeslave-owners。MostoftheseJewshavealwaysfeltlikeslaves。Nowthattheyareontop，theyhaveaparticularandcuriouskindofimpudence，whichisonlyknownamongslaves。ButtheLiberaljournalistswilldotheirbesttosuggestthattheSouthAfricanwrongconsistedinwhattheycallMartialLaw。Thatis，thatthereissomethingspeciallywickedaboutmendoinganactofcrueltyinkhakiorinvermilion，butnotifitisdoneindarkbluewithpewterbuttons。Thetyrantwhowearsabusbyoraforagecapisabominable；thetyrantwhowearsahorsehairwigisexcusable。Tobejudgedbysoldiersishell；buttobejudgedbylawyersisparadise。

Nowthepointmustnotbemissedinthisway。WhatiswrongwiththetyrannyinAfricaisnotthatitisrunbysoldiers。Itwouldbequiteasbad，orworse，ifitwererunbypolicemen。Whatiswrongisthat，forthefirsttimesincePagantimes，privatemenarebeingforcedtoworkforaprivateman。Menarebeingpunishedbyimprisonmentorexileforrefusingtoacceptajob。ThefactthatBothacanrideonahorse，orfireoffagun，makeshimbetterratherthanworsethananymanlikeSidneyWebborPhilipSnowden，whoattemptthesameslaverybymuchlessmanlymethods。TheLiberalPartywilltrytodivertthewholediscussiontooneaboutwhattheycallmilitarism。Buttheverytermsofmodernpoliticscontradictit。ForwhenwetalkofrealrebelsagainstthepresentsystemwecallthemMilitants。AndtherewillbenoneintheServileState。

THESERVILESTATEAGAIN

Ireadtheotherday，inaquotationfromaGermannewspaper，thehighlycharacteristicremarkthatGermanyhavingannexedBelgiumwouldsoonre-establishitscommerceandprosperity，andthat，inparticular，arrangementswerealreadybeingmadeforintroducingintothenewprovincetheGermanlawsfortheprotectionofworkmen。

IamquitecontentwiththatparagraphforthepurposeofanycontroversyaboutwhatiscalledGermanatrocity。IfmenIknowhadnottoldmetheyhadthemselvesseenthebayonetingofababy；ifthemostrespectablerefugeesdidnotbringwiththemstoriesofburningcottages——yes，andofburningcottagersaswell；ifdoctorsdidnotreportwhattheydoreportoftheconditionofgirlsinthehospitals；iftherewerenofacts；iftherewerenophotographs，thatonephraseIhavequotedwouldbequitesufficienttosatisfymethatthePrussiansaretyrants；tyrantsinapeculiarandalmostinsanesensewhichmakesthempre-eminentamongtheevilprincesoftheearth。Thefirstandmoststrikingfeatureisastupiditythatrisesintoasortofghastlyinnocence。Theprotectionofworkmen!Someworkmen，perhaps，mighthaveafancyforbeingprotectedfromshrapnel；somemightbegladtoputupanumbrellathatwouldwardoffthingsdroppingfromthegentleZeppelininheavenupontheplacebeneath。SomeofthesediscontentedproletarianshavetakenthesameviewasVanderveldetheirleader，andarenowenergeticallyengagedinprotectingthemselvesalongthelineoftheYser；Iamgladtosaynotaltogetherwithoutsuccess。ItisprobablethatnearlyalloftheBelgianworkerswould，onthewhole，prefertobeprotectedagainstbombs，sabres，burningcities，starvation，torture，andthetreasonofwickedkings。Inshort，itisprobable——itisatleastpossible，impiousasistheidea——thattheywouldprefertobeprotectedagainstGermansandalltheyrepresent。ButifaBelgianworkmanistoldthatheisnottobeprotectedagainstGermans，butactuallytobeprotectedbyGermans，I

thinkhemaybeexcusedforstaring。Hisfirstimpulse，Iimagine，willbetoask，"Againstwhom？Arethereanyworsepeopletocomealong？"

Butapartfromthehellishironyofthishumanitarianidea，thequestionitraisesisreallyoneofsolidimportanceforpeoplewhosepoliticsaremoreorlesslikeours。Thereisaveryurgentpointinthatquestion，"AgainstwhomwouldtheBelgianworkmenbeprotectedbytheGermanlaws？"

Andifwepursueit，weshallbeenabledtoanalysesomethingofthatpoison——verylargelyaPrussianpoison——whichhaslongbeenworkinginourowncommonwealth，totheenslavementoftheweakandthesecretstrengtheningofthestrong。ForthePrussianarmiesare，pre-eminently，theadvanceguardoftheServileState。Isaythisscientifically，andquiteapartfrompassionorevenfrompreference。IhavenoillusionsabouteitherBelgiumorEngland。BothhavebeenstainedwiththesootofCapitalismandblindedwiththesmokeofmereColonialambition；bothhavebeencaughtatadisadvantageinsuchmoderndirtanddisorder；bothhavecomeoutmuchbetterthanIshouldhaveexpectedcountriessomodemandsoindustrialtodo。ButinEnglandandBelgiumthereisCapitalismmixedupwithagreatmanyotherthings，strongthingsandthingsthatpursueotheraims；Clericalism，forinstance，andmilitantSocialisminBelgium；TradesUnionismandsportandtheremainsofrealaristocracyinEngland。ButPrussiaisCapitalism；thatis，agraduallysolidifyingslavery；andthatmajesticunitywithwhichshemoves，draggingallthedumbGermaniesafterher，isduetothefactthatherServileStateiscomplete，whileoursisincomplete。Therearenotmutinies；therearenotevenmockeries；thevoiceofnationalself-criticismhasbeenextinguishedforever。Forthispeopleisalreadypermanentlyclovenintoahigherandalowerclass:initsindustryasmuchasitsarmy。Itsemployersare，inthestrictestandmostsinistersense，captainsofindustry。Itsproletariatis，inthetruestandmostpitiablesense，anarmyoflabour。Inthatatmospheremastersbearuponthemthesignsthattheyaremorethanmen；andtoinsultanofficerisdeath。

Ifanyoneaskhowthisextremeandunmistakablesubordinationoftheemployedtotheemployersisbroughtabout，weallknowtheanswer。Itisbroughtaboutbyhungerandhardnessofheart，acceleratedbyacertainkindoflegislation，ofwhichwehavehadagooddeallatelyinEngland，butwhichwasalmostinvariablyborrowedfromPrussia。Mr。HerbertSamuel"ssuggestionthatthepoorshouldbeabletoputtheirmoneyinlittleboxesandnotbeabletogetitoutagainisasortofstandingsymbolofalltherest。Ihaveforgottenhowthepoorweregoingtobenefiteventuallybywhatisforthemindistinguishablefromdroppingsixpencedownadrain。Perhapstheyweregoingtogetitbacksomeday；

perhapswhentheycouldproduceahundredcouponsoutoftheDailyCitizen；

perhapswhentheygottheirhaircut；perhapswhentheyconsentedtobeinoculated，ortrepanned，orcircumcised，orsomething。Germanyisfullofthissortoflegislation；andifyouaskedaninnocentGerman，whohonestlybelievedinit，whatitwas，hewouldanswerthatitwasfortheprotectionofworkmen。

Andifyouaskedagain"Theirprotectionfromwhat？"youwouldhavethewholeplanandproblemoftheServileStateplaininfrontofyou。

Whatevernotionthereis，thereisnonotionwhateverofprotectingtheemployedperson_fromhisemployer_。Muchlessisthereanyideaofhiseverbeinganywhereexceptunderanemployer。WhatevertheCapitalistwantshegets。Hemayhavethesensetowantwashedandwell-fedlabourersratherthandirtyandfeebleones，andtherestrictionsmayhappentoexistintheformoflawsfromtheKaiserorby-lawsfromtheKrupps。ButtheKaiserwillnotoffendtheKrupps，andtheKruppswillnotoffendtheKaiser。Lawsofthiskind，then，donotattempttoprotectworkmenagainsttheinjusticeoftheCapitalistastheEnglishTradeUnionsdid。TheydonotattempttoprotectworkmenagainsttheinjusticeoftheStateasthemediaevalguildsdid。Obviouslytheycannotprotectworkmenagainsttheforeigninvader——especiallywhen(asinthecomiccaseofBelgium)theyareimposedbytheforeigninvader。Whatthenaresuchlawsdesignedtoprotectworkmenagainst？Tigers，rattlesnakes，hyenas？

Oh，myyoungfriends；oh，myChristianbrethren，theyaredesignedtoprotectthispoorpersonfromsomethingwhichtothoseofestablishedrankismorehorridthanmanyhyenas。Theyaredesigned，myfriends，toprotectamanfromhimself——fromsomethingthatthemastersoftheearthfearmorethanfamineorwar，andwhichPrussiaespeciallyfearsaseverythingfearsthatwhichwouldcertainlybeitsend。Theyaremeanttoprotectamanagainsthimself——thatis，theyaremeanttoprotectamanagainsthismanhood。

AndifanyoneremindsmethatthereisaSocialistPartyinGermany，I

replythatthereisn"t。

THEEMPIREOFTHEIGNORANT

ThatanarchicfuturewhichthemoretimidToriesprofessedtofearhasalreadyfallenuponus。Weareruledbyignorantpeople。ButthemostignorantpeopleinmodernBritainaretobefoundintheupperclass，themiddleclass，andespeciallytheuppermiddleclass。Idonotsayitwiththesmallestpetulanceorevendistaste；theseclassesareoftenreallybeneficentintheirbreedingortheirhospitality，ortheirhumanitytoanimals。

ThereisstillnobettercompanythantheyoungatthetwoUniversities，orthebestoftheoldintheArmyorsomeoftheotherservices。Also，ofcourse，thereareexceptionsinthematteroflearning；realscholarslikeProfessorGilbertMurrayorProfessorPhillimorearenotignorant，thoughthey_are_gentlemen。Butwhenonelooksupatanymassofthewealthierandmorepowerfulclasses，attheGrandStandatEpsom，atthewindowsofPark-lane，atthepeopleatafull-dressdebateorafashionablewedding，weshallbesafeinsayingthattheyare，forthemostpart，themostill-taught，oruntaught，creaturesintheseislands。

LiterallyIlliterateItisindeedtheirfeebleboastthattheyarenotliterallyilliterate。

Theyarealwayssayingtheancientbaronscouldnotsigntheirownnames——fortheyknowlessofhistoryperhapsthanofanythingelse。Themodernbarons，however，cansigntheirownnames——orsomeoneelse"sforachange。Theycansigntheirownnames；andthatisaboutalltheycando。

Theycannotfaceafact，orfollowanargument，orfeelatradition；but，leastofall，canthey，uponanypersuasion，readthroughaplainimpartialbook，Englishorforeign，thatisnotspeciallywrittentosoothetheirpanicortopleasetheirpride。LookingupattheseseatsofthemightyIcanonlysay，withsomethingofdespair，whatRobertLowesaidoftheenfranchisedworkmen:"Wemusteducateourmasters。"