第16章

"Eventhat.IonlyTHOUGHT,then;IKNOW,now."

Ifeltsarcastical,soIsaid:

"Oh,sapientservantofthelaw,condescendtotellus,then,whatyouKNOW."

"ThatyewillallbehangedTO-DAY,atmid-afternoon!Oho!thatshothithome!Leanuponme."

ThefactisIdidneedtoleanuponsomebody.Myknightscouldn"tarriveintime.Theywouldbeasmuchasthreehourstoolate.NothingintheworldcouldsavetheKingofEngland;norme,whichwasmoreimportant.

Moreimportant,notmerelytome,buttothenation——theonlynationonearthstandingreadytoblossomintocivilization.Iwassick.Isaidnomore,therewasn"tanythingtosay.Iknewwhatthemanmeant;thatifthemissingslavewasfound,thepostponementwouldberevoked,theexecutiontakeplaceto-day.Well,themissingslavewasfound.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter38Chapter38-SirLauncelotandKnightstotheRescueNEARINGfourintheafternoon.ThescenewasjustoutsidethewallsofLondon.Acool,comfortable,superbday,withabrilliantsun;thekindofdaytomakeonewanttolive,notdie.Themultitudewasprodigiousandfar-reaching;andyetwefifteenpoordevilshadn"tafriendinit.

Therewassomethingpainfulinthatthought,lookatithowyoumight.

Therewesat,onourtallscaffold,thebuttofthehateandmockeryofallthoseenemies.Wewerebeingmadeaholidayspectacle.Theyhadbuiltasortofgrandstandforthenobilityandgentry,andthesewerethereinfullforce,withtheirladies.Werecognizedagoodmanyofthem.

Thecrowdgotabriefandunexpecteddashofdiversionoutoftheking.

Themomentwewerefreedofourbondshesprangup,inhisfantasticrags,withfacebruisedoutofallrecognition,andproclaimedhimselfArthur,KingofBritain,anddenouncedtheawfulpenaltiesoftreasonuponeverysoultherepresentifhairofhissacredheadweretouched.Itstartledandsurprisedhimtohearthembreakintoavastroaroflaughter.Itwoundedhisdignity,andhelockedhimselfupinsilence.then,althoughthecrowdbeggedhimtogoon,andtriedtoprovokehimtoitbycatcalls,jeers,andshoutsof"Lethimspeak!Theking!Theking!hishumblesubjectshungerandthirstforwordsofwisdomoutofthemouthoftheirmasterhisSereneandSacredRaggedness!"

Butitwentfornothing.Heputonallhismajestyandsatunderthisrainofcontemptandinsultunmoved.Hecertainlywasgreatinhisway.

Absently,Ihadtakenoffmywhitebandageandwounditaboutmyrightarm.Whenthecrowdnoticedthis,theybeganuponme.Theysaid:

"Doubtlessthissailor-manishisminister——observehiscostlybadgeofoffice!"

Iletthemgoonuntiltheygottired,andthenIsaid:

"Yes,Iamhisminister,TheBoss;andto-morrowyouwillhearthatfromCamelotwhich——"

Igotnofurther.Theydrownedmeoutwithjoyousderision.Butpresentlytherewassilence;forthesheriffsofLondon,intheirofficialrobes,withtheirsubordinates,begantomakeastirwhichindicatedthatbusinesswasabouttobegin.Inthehushwhichfollowed,ourcrimewasrecited,thedeathwarrantread,theneverybodyuncoveredwhileapriestutteredaprayer.

Thenaslavewasblindfolded;thehangmanunslunghisrope.Therelaythesmoothroadbelowus,weupononesideofit,thebankedmultitudewailingitsotherside——agoodclearroad,andkeptfreebythepolice——howgooditwouldbetoseemyfivehundredhorsemencometearingdownit!Butno,itwasoutofthepossibilities.Ifolloweditsrecedingthreadoutintothedistance——notahorsemanonit,orsignofone.

Therewasajerk,andtheslavehungdangling;danglingandhideouslysquirming,forhislimbswerenottied.

Asecondropewasunslung,inamomentanotherslavewasdangling.

Inaminuteathirdslavewasstrugglingintheair.Itwasdreadful.

Iturnedawaymyheadamoment,andwhenIturnedbackImissedtheking!

Theywereblindfoldinghim!Iwasparalyzed;Icouldn"tmove,Iwaschoking,mytonguewaspetrified.Theyfinishedblindfoldinghim,theyledhimundertherope.Icouldn"tshakeoffthatclingingimpotence.ButwhenIsawthemputthenoosearoundhisneck,theneverythingletgoinmeandI

madeaspringtotherescue——andasImadeitIshotonemoreglanceabroad——byGeorge!heretheycame,a-tilting!——fivehundredmailedandbeltedknightsonbicycles!

Thegrandestsightthateverwasseen.Lord,howtheplumesstreamed,howthesunflamedandflashedfromtheendlessprocessionofwebbywheels!

IwavedmyrightarmasLauncelotsweptin——herecognizedmyrag——

Itoreawaynooseandbandage,andshouted:

"Onyourknees,everyrascalofyou,andsalutetheking!Whofailsshallsupinhellto-night!"

IalwaysusethathighstylewhenI"mclimaxinganeffect.Well,itwasnobletoseeLauncelotandtheboysswarmupontothatscaffoldandheavesheriffsandsuchoverboard.Anditwasfinetoseethatastonishedmultitudegodownontheirkneesandbegtheirlivesofthekingtheyhadjustbeenderidingandinsulting.Andashestoodapartthere,receivingthishomageinrags,Ithoughttomyself,well,reallythereissomethingpeculiarlygrandaboutthegaitandbearingofaking,afterall.

Iwasimmenselysatisfied.Takethewholesituationallaround,itwasoneofthegaudiesteffectsIeverinstigated.

AndpresentlyupcomesClarence,hisownself!andwinks,andsays,verymodernly:

"Gooddealofasurprise,wasn"tit?Iknewyou"dlikeit.I"vehadtheboyspracticingthislongtime,privately;andjusthungryforachancetoshowoff."

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter39Chapter39-TheYankee"sFightWiththeKnightsHOMEagain,atCamelot.AmorningortwolaterIfoundthepaper,dampfromthepress,bymyplateatthebreakfasttable.Iturnedtotheadvertisingcolumns,knowingIshouldfindsomethingofpersonalinteresttomethere.

Itwasthis:DEPARLEROI.

Knowthatthegreatlordandillus-

triousKni8ht,SIRSAGRAMORLE

DESIROUSnavingcondescendedtomeettheKing"sMinister,HankMor-

gan,thewhichissurnamedTheBoss,forsatisfgctionofoffenceancientlygiven,thesewilLengageinthelistsbyCamelotaboutthefourthhourofthemorningofthesixteenthdayofthisnextsucceedingmonth.Thebattlewillbealoutrance,siththesaidoffencewasofadeadlysort,admittingofnocomPosition.

DEPARLEROIClarence"seditorialreferencetothisaffairwastothiseffect:Itwillbeobserved,byagl7nceatouradvertisingcolumns,thatthecommu-

nityistobefavoredwithatreatofun-

usualinterestinthetournamentline.

ThenamesoftheartistsarewarrantofgoodenterTemment.Thebox-officewillbeopenatnoonofthe13th;ad-

mission3cents,reservedseatsh5;pro-

ceedstogotothehospitalfundTheroyalpairandalltheCourtwillbepres-

ent.Withtheseexceptions,andthepressandtheclergy,thefreelistisstrict-

lysusPended.Partiesareherebywarn-

edagainstbuyingticketsofspeculators;

theywillnotbegoodatthedoor.

EverybodyknowsandlikesTheBoss,everybodyknowsandlikesSirSag.;

come,letusgivetheladsagoodsend-

off.ReMember,theproceedsgotoagreatandfreecharity,andonewhosebroadbegevolencestretchesoutitshelp-

inghand,warmwiththebloodofalov-

ingheart,toallthatsuffer,regardlessofrace,creed,conditionorcolor——theonlycharityyetestablishedintheearthwhichhasnopolitico-religiousstop-

cockonitscompassion,butsaysHereflowsthestream,letALLcomeanddrink!Turnout,allhands!fetchalongyourdou3hnutsandyourgum-dropsandhaveagoodtime.Pieforsaleonthegrounds,androckstocrackitwith;

andciRcus-lemonade——threedropsoflimejuicetoabarrelofwater.

N.B.Thisisthefirsttournamentunderthenewlaw,whidhalloweachcombatanttouseanyweaponhemaypre-

fer.Youmaywanttomakeanoteofthat.Uptothedayset,therewasnotalkinallBritainofanythingbutthiscombat.Allothertopicssankintoinsignificanceandpassedoutofmen"sthoughtsandinterest.Itwasnotbecauseatournamentwasagreatmatter,itwasnotbecauseSirSagramorhadfoundtheHolyGrail,forhehadnot,buthadfailed;itwasnotbecausethesecond(official)personageinthekingdomwasoneoftheduellists;no,allthesefeatureswerecommonplace.

Yettherewasabundantreasonfortheextraordinaryinterestwhichthiscomingfightwascreating.Itwasbornofthefactthatallthenationknewthatthiswasnottobeaduelbetweenmeremen,sotospeak,butaduelbetweentwomightymagicians;aduelnotofmusclebutofmind,notofhumanskillbutofsuperhumanartandcraft;afinalstruggleforsupremacybetweenthetwomasterenchantersoftheage.Itwasrealizedthatthemostprodigiousachievementsofthemostrenownedknightscouldnotbeworthyofcomparisonwithaspectaclelikethis;theycouldbebutchild"splay,contrastedwiththismysteriousandawfulbattleofthegods.

Yes,alltheworldknewitwasgoingtobeinrealityaduelbetweenMerlinandme,ameasuringofhismagicpowersagainstmine.ItwasknownthatMerlinhadbeenbusywholedaysandnightstogether,imbuingSirSagramor"sarmsandarmorwithsupernalpowersofoffenseanddefense,andthathehadprocuredforhimfromthespiritsoftheairafleecyveilwhichwouldrenderthewearerinvisibletohisantagonistwhilestillvisibletoothermen.AgainstSirSagramor,soweaponedandprotected,athousandknightscouldaccomplishnothing;againsthimnoknownenchantmentscouldprevail.

Thesefactsweresure;regardingthemtherewasnodoubt,noreasonfordoubt.Therewasbutonequestion:mighttherebestillotherenchantments,UNKNOWNtoMerlin,whichcouldrenderSirSagramor"sveiltransparenttome,andmakehisenchantedmailvulnerabletomyweapons?Thiswastheonethingtobedecidedinthelists.Untilthentheworldmustremaininsuspense.

Sotheworldthoughttherewasavastmatteratstakehere,andtheworldwasright,butitwasnottheonetheyhadintheirminds.No,afarvasteronewasuponthecastofthisdie:THELIFEOFKNIGHT-ERRANTRY.

Iwasachampion,itwastrue,butnotthechampionofthefrivolousblackarts,Iwasthechampionofhardunsentimentalcommon-senseandreason.

Iwasenteringtheliststoeitherdestroyknight-errantryorbeitsvictim.

Vastastheshow-groundswere,therewerenovacantspacesinthemoutsideofthelists,atteno"clockonthemorningofthe16th.Themammothgrand-standwasclothedinflags,streamers,andrichtapestries,andpackedwithseveralacresofsmall-frytributarykings,theirsuites,andtheBritisharistocracy;

withourownroyalganginthechiefplace,andeachandeveryindividualaflashingprismofgaudysilksandvelvets——well,IneversawanythingtobeginwithitbutafightbetweenanUpperMississippisunsetandtheauroraborealis.Thehugecampofbeflaggedandgaycoloredtentsatoneendofthelists,withastiffstandingsentinelateverydoorandashiningshieldhangingbyhimforchallenge,wasanotherfinesight.Yousee,everyknightwastherewhohadanyambitionoranycastefeeling;formyfeelingtowardtheirorderwasnotmuchofasecret,andsoherewastheirchance.

IfIwonmyfightwithSirSagramor,otherswouldhavetherighttocallmeoutaslongasImightbewillingtorespond.

Downatourendtherewerebuttwotents;oneforme,andanotherformyservants.Attheappointedhourthekingmadeasign,andtheheralds,intheirtabards,appearedandmadeproclamation,namingthecombatantsandstatingthecauseofquarrel.Therewasapause,thenaringingbugle-blast,whichwasthesignalforustocomeforth.Allthemultitudecaughttheirbreath,andaneagercuriosityflashedintoeveryface.

OutfromhistentrodegreatSirSagramor,animposingtowerofiron,statelyandrigid,hishugespearstandinguprightinitssocketandgraspedinhisstronghand,hisgrandhorse"sfaceandbreastcasedinsteel,hisbodyclothedinrichtrappingsthatalmostdraggedtheground——oh,amostnoblepicture.Agreatshoutwentup,ofwelcomeandadmiration.

AndthenoutIcame.ButIdidn"tgetanyshout.Therewasawonderingandeloquentsilenceforamoment,thenagreatwaveoflaughterbegantosweepalongthathumansea,butawarningbugle-blastcutitscareershort.Iwasinthesimplestandcomfortablestofgymnastcostumes——flesh-coloredtightsfromnecktoheel,withbluesilkpuffingsaboutmyloins,andbareheaded.

Myhorsewasnotabovemediumsize,buthewasalert,slender-limbed,muscledwithwatchsprings,andjustagreyhoundtogo.Hewasabeauty,glossyassilk,andnakedashewaswhenhewasborn,exceptforbridleandranger-saddle.

Theirontowerandthegorgeousbedquiltcamecumbrouslybutgracefullypirouettingdownthelists,andwetrippedlightlyuptomeetthem.Wehalted;thetowersaluted,Iresponded;thenwewheeledandrodesidebysidetothegrand-standandfacedourkingandqueen,towhomwemadeobeisance.

Thequeenexclaimed:

"Alack,SirBoss,wiltfightnaked,andwithoutlanceorswordor——"

Butthekingcheckedherandmadeherunderstand,withapolitephraseortwo,thatthiswasnoneofherbusiness.Thebuglesrangagain;andweseparatedandrodetotheendsofthelists,andtookposition.NowoldMerlinsteppedintoviewandcastadaintywebofgossamerthreadsoverSirSagramorwhichturnedhimintoHamlet"sghost;thekingmadeasign,thebuglesblew,SirSagramorlaidhisgreatlanceinrest,andthenextmomentherehecamethunderingdownthecoursewithhisveilflyingoutbehind,andIwentwhistlingthroughtheairlikeanarrowtomeethim——cockingmyearthewhile,asifnotingtheinvisibleknight"spositionandprogressbyhearing,notsight.Achorusofencouragingshoutsburstoutforhim,andonebravevoiceflungoutahearteningwordforme——

said:

"Goit,slimJim!"

ItwasanevenbetthatClarencehadprocuredthatfavorforme——andfurnishedthelanguage,too.Whenthatformidablelance-pointwaswithinayardandahalfofmybreastItwitchedmyhorseasidewithoutaneffort,andthebigknightsweptby,scoringablank.Igotplentyofapplausethattime.Weturned,bracedup,anddownwecameagain.Anotherblankfortheknight,aroarofapplauseforme.Thissamethingwasrepeatedoncemore;anditfetchedsuchawhirlwindofapplausethatSirSagramorlosthistemper,andatoncechangedhistacticsandsethimselfthetaskofchasingmedown.Why,hehadn"tanyshowintheworldatthat;itwasagameoftag,withalltheadvantageonmyside;IwhirledoutofhispathwitheasewheneverIchose,andonceIslappedhimonthebackasIwenttotherear.FinallyItookthechaseintomyownhands;andafterthat,turn,ortwist,ordowhathewould,hewasneverabletogetbehindmeagain;hefoundhimselfalwaysinfrontattheendofhismaneuver.

Sohegaveupthatbusinessandretiredtohisendofthelists.Histemperwascleargonenow,andheforgothimselfandflunganinsultatmewhichdisposedofmine.Islippedmylassofromthehornofmysaddle,andgraspedthecoilinmyrighthand.Thistimeyoushouldhaveseenhimcome!——

itwasabusinesstrip,sure;byhisgaittherewasbloodinhiseye.I

wassittingmyhorseatease,andswingingthegreatloopofmylassoinwidecirclesaboutmyhead;themomenthewasunderway,Istartedforhim;whenthespacebetweenushadnarrowedtofortyfeet,Isentthesnakyspiralsoftheropea-cleavingthroughtheair,thendartedasideandfacedaboutandbroughtmytrainedanimaltoahaltwithallhisfeetbracedunderhimforasurge.ThenextmomenttheropesprangtautandyankedSirSagramoroutofthesaddle!GreatScott,buttherewasasensation!

Unquestionably,thepopularthinginthisworldisnovelty.Thesepeoplehadneverseenanythingofthatcowboybusinessbefore,anditcarriedthemclearofftheirfeetwithdelight.Fromallaroundandeverywhere,theshoutwentup:

"Encore!encore!"

Iwonderedwheretheygottheword,buttherewasnotimetocipheronphilologicalmatters,becausethewholeknight-errantryhivewasjusthummingnow,andmyprospectfortradecouldn"thavebeenbetter.ThemomentmylassowasreleasedandSirSagramorhadbeenassistedtohistent,I

hauledintheslack,tookmystationandbegantoswingmylooparoundmyheadagain.IwassuretohaveuseforitassoonastheycouldelectasuccessorforSirSagramor,andthatcouldn"ttakelongwherethereweresomanyhungrycandidates.Indeed,theyelectedonestraightoff——SirHervisdeRevel.

BZZ!Herehecame,likeahouseafire;Idodged:hepassedlikeaflash,withmyhorse-haircoilssettlingaroundhisneck;asecondorsolater,FST!hissaddlewasempty.

Igotanotherencore;andanother,andanother,andstillanother.WhenIhadsnakedfivemenout,thingsbegantolookserioustotheironclads,andtheystoppedandconsultedtogether.Asaresult,theydecidedthatitwastimetowaiveetiquetteandsendtheirgreatestandbestagainstme.Totheastonishmentofthatlittleworld,IlassoedSirLamorakdeGalis,andafterhimSirGalahad.Soyouseetherewassimplynothingtobedonenow,butplaytheirrightbower——bringoutthesuperbestofthesuperb,themightiestofthemighty,thegreatSirLauncelothimself!

Aproudmomentforme?Ishouldthinkso.YonderwasArthur,KingofBritain;yonderwasGuenever;yes,andwholetribesoflittleprovincialkingsandkinglets;andinthetentedcampyonder,renownedknightsfrommanylands;andlikewisetheselectestbodyknowntochivalry,theKnightsoftheTableRound,themostillustriousinChristendom;andbiggestfactofall,theverysunoftheirshiningsystemwasyondercouchinghislance,thefocalpointoffortythousandadoringeyes;andallbymyself,herewasIlayingforhim.Acrossmymindflittedthedearimageofacertainhello-girlofWestHartford,andIwishedshecouldseemenow.Inthatmoment,downcametheInvincible,withtherushofawhirlwind——thecourtlyworldrosetoitsfeetandbentforward——thefatefulcoilswentcirclingthroughtheair,andbeforeyoucouldwinkIwastowingSirLauncelotacrossthefieldonhisback,andkissingmyhandtothestormofwavingkerchiefsandthethunder-crashofapplausethatgreetedme!

SaidItomyself,asIcoiledmylariatandhungitonmysaddle-horn,andsattheredrunkwithglory,"Thevictoryisperfect——nootherwillventureagainstme——knight-errantryisdead."Nowimaginemyastonishment——andeverybodyelse"s,too——tohearthepeculiarbugle-callwhichannouncesthatanothercompetitorisabouttoenterthelists!Therewasamysteryhere;Icouldn"taccountforthisthing.Next,InoticedMerlinglidingawayfromme;andthenInoticedthatmylassowasgone!Theoldsleight-of-handexperthadstolenit,sure,andslippeditunderhisrobe.

Thebugleblewagain.Ilooked,anddowncameSagramorridingagain,withhisdustbrushedoffandisveilnicelyre-arranged.Itrotteduptomeethim,andpretendedtofindhimbythesoundofhishorse"shoofs.

Hesaid:

"Thou"rtquickofear,butitwillnotsavetheefromthis!"andhetouchedthehiltofhisgreatsword."Anyearenotabletoseeit,becauseoftheinfluenceoftheveil,knowthatitisnocumbrouslance,butasword——andIweenyewillnotbeabletoavoidit."

Hisvisorwasup;therewasdeathinhissmile.Ishouldneverbeabletododgehissword,thatwasplain.Somebodywasgoingtodiethistime.

Ifhegotthedroponme,Icouldnamethecorpse.Werodeforwardtogether,andsalutedtheroyalties.Thistimethekingwasdisturbed.Hesaid:

"Whereisthystrangeweapon?"

"Itisstolen,sire."

"Hastanotherathand?"

"No,sire,Ibroughtonlytheone."

ThenMerlinmixedin:

"Hebroughtbuttheonebecausetherewasbuttheonetobring.Thereexistsnoneotherbutthatone.ItbelongethtothekingoftheDemonsoftheSea.Thismanisapretender,andignorant,elsehehadknownthatthatweaponcanbeusedinbuteightboutsonly,andthenitvanishethawaytoitshomeunderthesea."

"Thenisheweaponless,"saidtheking."SirSagramore,yewillgranthimleavetoborrow."

"AndIwilllend!"saidSirLauncelot,limpingup."Heisasbraveaknightofhishandsasanythatbeonlive,andheshallhavemine."

Heputhishandonhisswordtodrawit,butSirSagramorsaid:

"Stay,itmaynotbe.Heshallfightwithhisownweapons;itwashisprivilegetochoosethemandbringthem.Ifhehaserred,onhisheadbeit."

"Knight!"saidtheking."Thou"rtoverwroughtwithpassion;itdisordersthymind.Wouldstkillanakedman?"

"Anhedoit,heshallanswerittome,"saidSirLauncelot.

"Iwillanswerittoanyhethatdesireth!"retortedSirSagramorhotly.

Merlinbrokein,rubbinghishandsandsmilinghislowdownestsmileofmaliciousgratification:

""Tiswellsaid,rightwellsaid!And"tisenoughofparleying,letmylordthekingdeliverthebattlesignal."

Thekinghadtoyield.Thebuglemadeproclamation,andweturnedapartandrodetoourstations.Therewestood,ahundredyardsapart,facingeachother,rigidandmotionless,likehorsedstatues.Andsoweremained,inasoundlesshush,asmuchasafullminute,everybodygazing,nobodystirring.Itseemedasifthekingcouldnottakehearttogivethesignal.

Butatlastheliftedhishand,theclearnoteofthebuglefollowed,SirSagramor"slongbladedescribedaflashingcurveintheair,anditwassuperbtoseehimcome.Isatstill.Onhecame.Ididnotmove.Peoplegotsoexcitedthattheyshoutedtome:

"Fly,fly!Savethyself!Thisismurther!"

Ineverbudgedsomuchasaninchtillthatthunderngapparitionhadgotwithinfifteenpacesofme;thenIsnatchedadragoonrevolveroutofmyholster,therewasaflashandaroar,andtherevolverwasbackintheholsterbeforeanybodycouldtellwhathadhappened.

Herewasariderlesshorseplungingby,andyonderlaySirSagramor,stonedead.

Thepeoplethatrantohimwerestrickendumbtofindthatthelifewasactuallygoneoutofthemanandnoreasonforitvisible,nohurtuponhisbody,nothinglikeawound.Therewasaholethroughthebreastofhischain-mail,buttheyattachednoimportancetoalittlethinglikethat;andasabulletwoundthereproducesbutlittleblood,nonecameinsightbecauseoftheclothingandswaddlingsunderthearmor.Thebodywasdraggedovertoletthekingandtheswellslookdownuponit.Theywerestupefiedwithastonishmentnaturally.Iwasrequestedtocomeandexplainthemiracle.ButIremainedinmytracks,likeastatue,andsaid:

"Ifitisacommand,Iwillcome,butmylordthekingknowsthatI

amwherethelawsofcombatrequiremetoremainwhileanydesiretocomeagainstme."

Iwaited.Nobodychallenged.ThenIsaid:

"Ifthereareanywhodoubtthatthisfieldiswellandfairlywon,Idonotwaitforthemtochallengeme,Ichallengethem."

"Itisagallantoffer,"saidtheking,"andwellbeseemsyou.Whomwillyounamefirst?"

"Inamenone,Ichallengeall!HereIstand,anddarethechivalryofEnglandtocomeagainstme——notbyindividuals,butinmass!"

"What!"shoutedascoreofknights.

"Youhaveheardthechallenge.Takeit,orIproclaimyourecreantknightsandvanquished,everyone!"

Itwasa"bluff"youknow.Atsuchatimeitissoundjudgmenttoputonaboldfaceandplayyourhandforahundredtimeswhatitisworth;

forty-ninetimesoutoffiftynobodydaresto"call,"andyourakeinthechips.Butjustthisonce——well,thingslookedsqually!Injustnotime,fivehundredknightswerescramblingintotheirsaddles,andbeforeyoucouldwinkawidelyscatteringdrovewereunderwayandclatteringdownuponme.Isnatchedbothrevolversfromtheholstersandbegantomeasuredistancesandcalculatechances.

Bang!Onesaddleempty.Bang!anotherone.Bang——bang,andIbaggedtwo.Well,itwasnipandtuckwithus,andIknewit.IfIspenttheeleventhshotwithoutconvincingthesepeople,thetwelfthmanwouldkillme,sure.

AndsoIneverdidfeelsohappyasIdidwhenmyninthdowneditsmanandIdetectedthewaveringinthecrowdwhichispremonitoryofpanic.

Aninstantlostnowcouldknockoutmylastchance.ButIdidn"tloseit.

Iraisedbothrevolversandpointedthem——thehaltedhoststoodtheirgroundjustaboutonegoodsquaremoment,thenbrokeandfled.

Thedaywasmine.Knight-errantrywasadoomedinstitution.Themarchofcivilizationwasbegun.HowdidIfeel?Ah,younevercouldimagineit.

AndBrerMerlin?Hisstockwasflatagain.Somehow,everytimethemagicoffol-de-roltriedconclusionswiththemagicofscience,themagicoffol-de-rolgotleft.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter40Chapter40-ThreeYearsLaterWHENIbrokethebackofknight-errantrythattime,Inolongerfeltobligedtoworkinsecret.So,theverynextdayIexposedmyhiddenschools,mymines,andmyvastsystemofclandestinefactoriesandworkshopstoanastonishedworld.Thatistosay,Iexposedthenineteenthcenturytotheinspectionofthesixth.

Well,itisalwaysagoodplantofollowupanadvantagepromptly.Theknightsweretemporarilydown,butifIwouldkeepthemsoImustjustsimplyparalyzethem——nothingshortofthatwouldanswer.Yousee,I

was"bluffing"thatlasttimeinthefield;itwouldbenaturalforthemtoworkaroundtothatconclusion,ifIgavethemachance.SoImustnotgivethemtime;andIdidn"t.

Irenewedmychallenge,engraveditonbrass,posteditupwhereanypriestcouldreadittothem,andalsokeptitstandingintheadvertisingcolumnsofthepaper.

Inotonlyrenewedit,butaddedtoitsproportions.Isaid,nametheday,andIwouldtakefiftyassistantsandstandupAGAINSTTHEMASSED

CHIVALRYOFTHEWHOLEEARTHANDDESTROYIT.

Iwasnotbluffingthistime.ImeantwhatIsaid;IcoulddowhatI

promised.Therewasn"tanywaytomisunderstandthelanguageofthatchallenge.

Eventhedullestofthechivalryperceivedthatthiswasaplaincaseof"putup,orshutup."Theywerewiseanddidthelatter.Inallthenextthreeyearstheygavemenotroubleworthmentioning.

Considerthethreeyearssped.NowlookaroundonEngland.Ahappyandprosperouscountry,andstrangelyaltered.Schoolseverywhere,andseveralcolleges;anumberofprettygoodnewspapers.Evenauthorshipwastakingastart;SirDinadantheHumoristwasfirstinthefield,withavolumeofgray-headedjokeswhichIhadbeenfamiliarwithduringthirteencenturies.

IfhehadleftoutthatoldrancidoneaboutthelecturerIwouldn"thavesaidanything;butIcouldn"tstandthatone.Isuppressedthebookandhangedtheauthor.

Slaverywasdeadandgone;allmenwereequalbeforethelaw;taxationhadbeenequalized.Thetelegraph,thetelephone,thephonograph,thetypewriter,thesewing-machine,andallthethousandwillingandhandyservantsofsteamandelectricitywereworkingtheirwayintofavor.WehadasteamboatortwoontheThames,wehadsteamwarships,andthebeginningsofasteamcommercialmarine;IwasgettingreadytosendoutanexpeditiontodiscoverAmerica.

Wewerebuildingseverallinesofrailway,andourlinefromCamelottoLondonwasalreadyfinishedandinoperation.Iwasshrewdenoughtomakeallofficesconnectedwiththepassengerserviceplacesofhighanddistinguishedhonor.Myideawastoattractthechivalryandnobility,andmakethemusefulandkeepthemoutofmischief.Theplanworkedverywell,thecompetitionfortheplaceswashot.Theconductorofthe4.33

expresswasaduke;therewasn"tapassengerconductoronthelinebelowthedegreeofearl.Theyweregoodmen,everyone,buttheyhadtwodefectswhichIcouldn"tcure,andsohadtowinkat:theywouldn"tlayasidetheirarmor,andtheywould"knockdown"fare——Imeanrobthecompany.

Therewashardlyaknightinallthelandwhowasn"tinsomeusefulemployment.Theyweregoingfromendtoendofthecountryinallmannerofusefulmissionarycapacities;theirpenchantforwandering,andtheirexperienceinit,madethemaltogetherthemosteffectivespreadersofcivilizationwehad.Theywentclothedinsteelandequippedwithswordandlanceandbattle-axe,andiftheycouldn"tpersuadeapersontotryasewing-machineontheinstallmentplan,oramelodeon,orabarbed-wirefence,oraprohibitionjournal,oranyoftheotherthousandandonethingstheycanvassedfor,theyremovedhimandpassedon.

Iwasveryhappy.Thingswereworkingsteadilytowardasecretlylonged-forpoint.Yousee,Ihadtwoschemesinmyheadwhichwerethevastestofallmyprojects.TheonewastooverthrowtheCatholicChurchandsetuptheProtestantfaithonitsruins——notasanEstablishedChurch,butago-as-you-pleaseone;andtheotherprojectwastogetadecreeissuedbyandby,commandingthatuponArthur"sdeathunlimitedsuffrageshouldbeintroduced,andgiventomenandwomenalike——atanyratetoallmen,wiseorunwise,andtoallmotherswhoatmiddleageshouldbefoundtoknownearlyasmuchastheirsonsattwenty-one.Arthurwasgoodforthirtyyearsyet,hebeingaboutmyownage——thatistosay,forty——andI

believedthatinthattimeIcouldeasilyhavetheactivepartofthepopulationofthatdayreadyandeagerforaneventwhichshouldbethefirstofitskindinthehistoryoftheworld——aroundedandcompletegovernmentalrevolutionwithoutbloodshed.Theresulttobearepublic.Well,Imayaswellconfess,thoughIdofeelashamedwhenIthinkofit:Iwasbeginningtohaveabasehankeringtobeitsfirstpresidentmyself.Yes,therewasmoreorlesshumannatureinme;Ifoundthatout.

Clarencewaswithmeasconcernedtherevolution,butinamodifiedway.Hisideawasarepublic,withoutprivilegedorders,butwithahereditaryroyalfamilyattheheadofitinsteadofanelectivechiefmagistrate.

Hebelievedthatnonationthathadeverknownthejoyofworshipingaroyalfamilycouldeverberobbedofitandnotfadeawayanddieofmelancholy.

Iurgedthatkingsweredangerous.Hesaid,thenhavecats.Hewassurethataroyalfamilyofcatswouldanswereverypurpose.Theywouldbeasusefulasanyotherroyalfamily,theywouldknowasmuch,theywouldhavethesamevirtuesandthesametreacheries,thesamedispositiontogetupshindieswithotherroyalcats,theywouldbelaughablyvainandabsurdandneverknowit,theywouldbewhollyinexpensive;finally,theywouldhaveassoundadivinerightasanyotherroyalhouse,and"TomVII.,orTomXI.,orTomXIV.bythegraceofGodKing,"wouldsoundaswellasitwouldwhenappliedtotheordinaryroyaltomcatwithtightson."Andasarule,"saidhe,inhisneatmodernEnglish,"thecharacterofthesecatswouldbeconsiderablyabovethecharacteroftheaverageking,andthiswouldbeanimmensemoraladvantagetothenation,forthereasonthatanationalwaysmodelsitsmoralsafteritsmonarch"s.Theworshipofroyaltybeingfoundedinunreason,thesegracefulandharmlesscatswouldeasilybecomeassacredasanyotherroyalties,andindeedmoreso,becauseitwouldpresentlybenoticedthattheyhangednobody,beheadednobody,imprisonednobody,inflictednocrueltiesorinjusticesofanysort,andsomustbeworthyofadeeperloveandreverencethanthecustomaryhumanking,andwouldcertainlygetit.Theeyesofthewholeharriedworldwouldsoonbefixeduponthishumaneandgentlesystem,androyalbutcherswouldpresentlybegintodisappear;theirsubjectswouldfillthevacancieswithcatlingsfromourownroyalhouse;weshouldbecomeafactory;weshouldsupplythethronesoftheworld;withinfortyyearsallEuropewouldbegovernedbycats,andweshouldfurnishthecats.Thereignofuniversalpeacewouldbeginthen,toendnomoreforeverMe-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow——fzt!——wow!"

Hanghim,Isupposedhewasinearnest,andwasbeginningtobepersuadedbyhim,untilheexplodedthatcat-howlandstartledmealmostoutofmyclothes.Buthenevercouldbeinearnest.Hedidn"tknowwhatitwas.

Hehadpicturedadistinctandperfectlyrationalandfeasibleimprovementuponconstitutionalmonarchy,buthewastoofeather-headedtoknowit,orcareanythingaboutit,either.Iwasgoingtogivehimascolding,butSandycameflyinginatthatmoment,wildwithterror,andsochokedwithsobsthatforaminuteshecouldnotgethervoice.Iranandtookherinmyarms,andlavishedcaressesuponherandsaid,beseechingly:

"Speak,darling,speak!Whatisit?"

Herheadfelllimpuponmybosom,andshegasped,almostinaudibly:

"HELLO-CENTRAL!"

"Quick!"IshoutedtoClarence;"telephonetheking"shomeopathtocome!"

IntwominutesIwaskneelingbythechild"scrib,andSandywasdispatchingservantshere,there,andeverywhere,alloverthepalace.Itookinthesituationalmostataglance——membranouscroup!Ibentdownandwhispered:

"Wakeup,sweetheart!Hello-Central"

Sheopenedhersofteyeslanguidly,andmadeouttosay:

"Papa."

Thatwasacomfort.Shewasfarfromdeadyet.Isentforpreparationsofsulphur,Iroustedoutthecroup-kettlemyself;forIdon"tsitdownandwaitfordoctorswhenSandyorthechildissick.Iknewhowtonursebothofthem,andhadhadexperience.Thislittlechaphadlivedinmyarmsagoodpartofitssmalllife,andoftenIcouldsootheawayitstroublesandgetittolaughthroughthetear-dewsonitseyelasheswhenevenitsmothercouldn"t.

SirLauncelot,inhisrichestarmor,camestridingalongthegreathallnowonhiswaytothestockboard;hewaspresidentofthestock-board,andoccupiedtheSiegePerilous,whichhehadboughtofSirGalahad;forthestock-boardconsistedoftheKnightsoftheRoundTable,andtheyusedtheRoundTableforbusinesspurposesnow.Seatsatitwereworth——well,youwouldneverbelievethefigure,soitisnousetostateit.SirLauncelotwasabear,andhehadputupacornerinoneofthenewlines,andwasjustgettingreadytosqueezetheshortsto-day;butwhatofthat?HewasthesameoldLauncelot,andwhenheglancedinashewaspassingthedoorandfoundoutthathispetwassick,thatwasenoughforhim;bullsandbearsmightfightitouttheirownwayforallhim,hewouldcomerightinhereandstandbylittleHello-Centralforallhewasworth.Andthatwaswhathedid.Heshiedhishelmetintothecorner,andinhalfaminutehehadanewwickinthealcohollampandwasfiringuponthecroup-kettle.

BythistimeSandyhadbuiltablanketcanopyoverthecrib,andeverythingwasready.