第1章

TwoorthreepersonshavingatdifferenttimesintimatedthatifIwouldwriteanautobiographytheywouldreadit,whentheygotleisure,Iyieldatlasttothisfrenziedpublicdemand,andherewithtendermyhistory:

Oursisanobleoldhouse,andstretchesalongwaybackintoantiquity.

TheearliestancestortheTwainshaveanyrecordofwasafriendofthefamilybythenameofHiggins.Thiswasintheeleventhcentury,whenourpeoplewerelivinginAberdeen,countyofCork,England.Whyitisthatourlonglinehaseversincebornethematernalname(exceptwhenoneofthemnowandthentookaplayfulrefugeinanaliastoavertfoolishness),insteadofHiggins,isamysterywhichnoneofushaseverfeltmuchdesiretostir.Itisakindofvague,prettyromance,andweleaveitalone.Alltheoldfamiliesdothatway.

ArthourTwainwasamanofconsiderablenoteasolicitoronthehighwayinWilliamRufus"time.AtabouttheageofthirtyhewenttooneofthosefineoldEnglishplacesofresortcalledNewgate,toseeaboutsomething,andneverreturnedagain.Whiletherehediedsuddenly.

AugustusTwain,seemstohavemadesomethingofastirabout-theyear1160.Hewasasfulloffunashecouldbe,andusedtotakehisoldsabreandsharpenitup,andgetinaconvenientplaceonadarknight,andstickitthroughpeopleastheywentby,toseethemjump.Hewasabornhumorist.Buthegottogoingtoofarwithit;andthefirsttimehewasfoundstrippingoneoftheseparties,theauthoritiesremovedoneendofhim,andputituponanicehighplaceonTempleBar,whereitcouldcontemplatethepeopleandhaveagoodtime.Heneverlikedanysituationsomuchorstucktoitsolong.

Thenforthenexttwohundredyearsthefamilytreeshowsasuccessionofsoldiers——noble,high-spiritedfellows,whoalwayswentintobattlesinging;rightbehindthearmy,andalwayswentouta-whooping,rightaheadofit.

ThisisascathingrebuketoolddeadFroissart"spoorwitticismthatourfamilytreeneverhadbutonelimbtoit,andthatthatonestuckoutatrightangles,andborefruitwinter,andsummer.

OURFAMILYTREE

EarlyinthefifteenthcenturywehaveBeauTwain,called"theScholar."

Hewroteabeautiful,beautifulhand.Andhecouldimitateanybody"shandsocloselythatitwasenoughtomakeapersonlaughhisheadofftoseeit.Hehadinfinitesportwithhistalent.Butbyandbyhetookacontracttobreakstoneforaroad,andtheroughnessoftheworkspoiledhishand.Still,heenjoyedlifeallthetimehewasinthestonebusiness,which,withinconsiderableintervals,wassomeforty-twoyears.

Infact,hediedinharness.Duringallthoselongyearshegavesuchsatisfactionthatheneverwasthroughwithonecontractaweektillgovernmentgavehimanother.Hewasaperfectpet.Andhewasalwaysafavoritewithhisfellow-artists,andwasaconspicuousmemberoftheirbenevolentsecretsociety,calledtheChainGang.Healwaysworehishairshort,hadapreferenceforstripedclothes,anddiedlamentedbythegovernment.Hewasasorelosstohiscountry.Forhewassoregular.

SomeyearslaterwehavetheillustriousJohnMorganTwain.HecameovertothiscountrywithColumbusin1492,asapassenger.Heappearstohavebeenofacrusty,uncomfortabledisposition.Hecomplainedofthefoodallthewayover,andwasalwaysthreateningtogoashoreunlesstherewasachange.Hewantedfreshshad.Hardlyadaypassedoverhisheadthathedidnotgoidlingabouttheshipwithhisnoseintheair,sneeringaboutthecommander,andsayinghedidnotbelieveColumbusknewwherehewasgoingtoorhadeverbeentherebefore.Thememorablecryof"Landho!"thrilledeveryheartintheshipbuthis.Hegazedawhilethroughapieceofsmokedglassatthepenciledlinelyingonthedistantwater,andthensaid:"Landbehanged,——it"saraft!"

Whenthisquestionablepassengercameonboardtheship,hebroughtnothingwithhimbutanoldnewspapercontainingahandkerchiefmarked"B.G.,"onecottonsockmarked"L.W.C."onewoollenonemarked"D.F."

andanight-shirtmarked"O.M.R."Andyetduringthevoyageheworriedmoreabouthis"trunk,"andgavehimself,moreairsaboutit,thanalltherestofthepassengersputtogether.

Iftheshipwas"downbythehead,"andwouldgotsteer,hewouldgoandmovehis"trunk"fartheraft,andthenwatchtheeffect.Iftheshipwas"bythestern,"hewouldsuggesttoColumbustodetailsomemento"shiftthatbaggage."Instormshehadtobegagged,becausehiswailingsabouthis"trunk"madeitimpossibleforthementoheartheorders.Themandoesnotappeartohavebeenopenlychargedwithanygravelyunbecomingthing,butitisnotedintheship"slogasa"curiouscircumstance"thatalbeithebroughthisbaggageonboardtheshipinanewspaper,hetookitashoreinfourtrunks,aqueenswarecrate,andacoupleofchampagnebaskets.Butwhenhecamebackinsinuatinginaninsolent,swaggeringway,thatsomeofhisthingsweremissing,andwasgoingtosearchtheotherpassengers"baggage,itwastoomuch,andtheythrewhimoverboard.Theywatchedlongandwonderinglyforhimtocomeup,butnotevenabubbleroseonthequietlyebbingtide.Butwhileeveryonewasmostabsorbedingazingovertheside,andtheinterestwasmomentarilyincreasing,itwasobservedwithconsternationthatthevesselwasadriftandtheanchorcablehanginglimpfromthebow.Thenintheship"sdimmedandancientlogwefindthisquaintnote:

"Intimeitwasdiscouveredytyetroblesomepassengerhaddegonnedowneandgotyeanchor,andtokeyesameandsoldeittoyedamsauvagesfromyeinterior,sayingythehaddefoundeit,yesonneofaghun!"

Yetthisancestorhadgoodandnobleinstincts,anditiswithpridethatwecalltomindthefactthathewasthefirstwhitepersonwhoeverinterestedhimselfintheworkofelevatingandcivilizingourIndians.

Hebuiltacommodiousjailandputupagallows,andtohisdyingdayheclaimedwithsatisfactionthathehadhadamorerestrainingandelevatinginfluenceontheIndiansthananyotherreformerthatever,laboredamongthem.Atthispointthechroniclebecomeslessfrankandchatty,andclosesabruptlybysayingthattheoldvoyagerwenttoseehisgallowsperformonthefirstwhitemaneverhangedinAmerica,andwhiletherereceivedinjurieswhichterminatedinhisdeath.

Thegreatgrandsonofthe"Reformer"flourishedinsixteenhundredandsomething,andwasknowninourannalsas,"theoldAdmiral,"thoughinhistoryhehadothertitles.Hewaslongincommandoffleetsofswiftvessels,wellarmedand,manned,anddidgreatserviceinhurryingupmerchantmen.Vesselswhichhefollowedandkepthiseagleeyeon,alwaysmadegoodfairtimeacrosstheocean.Butifashipstillloiteredinspiteofallhecoulddo,hisindignationwouldgrowtillhecouldcontainhimselfnolonger——andthenhewouldtakethatshiphomewherehelivedand,keepittherecarefully,expectingtheownerstocomeforit,buttheyneverdid.Andhewouldtrytogettheidlenessandslothoutofthesailorsofthatshipbycompelling,themtotakeinvigoratingexerciseandabath.Hecalledit"walkingaplank."Allthepupilslikedit.Atanyrate,theyneverfoundanyfaultwithitaftertryingit.Whentheownerswerelatecomingfortheirships,theAdmiralalwaysburnedthem,sothattheinsurancemoneyshouldnotbelost.Atlastthisfineoldtarwascutdowninthefulnessofhisyearsandhonors.

Andtoherdyingday,hispoorheart-brokenwidowbelievedthatifhehadbeencutdownfifteenminutessoonerhemighthavebeenresuscitated.

CharlesHenryTwainlivedduringthelatterpartoftheseventeenthcentury,andwasazealousanddistinguishedmissionary.HeconvertedsixteenthousandSouthSeaislanders,andtaughtthemthatadog-toothnecklaceandapairofspectacleswasnotenoughclothingtocometodivineservicein.Hispoorflocklovedhimvery,verydearly;andwhenhisfuneralwasover,theygotupinabody(andcameoutoftherestaurant)withtearsintheireyes,andsaying,onetoanother,thathewasagoodtendermissionary,andtheywishedtheyhadsomemoreofhim.

PAH-GO-TO-WAH-WAH-PUKKETEKEEWIS(Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye)TWAIN

adornedthemiddleoftheeighteenthcentury,andaidedGen.BraddockwithallhishearttoresisttheoppressorWashington.ItwasthisancestorwhofiredseventeentimesatourWashingtonfrombehindatree.

Sofarthebeautifulromanticnarrativeinthemoralstory-booksiscorrect;butwhenthatnarrativegoesontosaythatattheseventeenthroundtheawe-strickensavagesaidsolemnlythatthatmanwasbeingreservedbytheGreatSpiritforsomemightymission,andhedarednotlifthissacrilegiousrifleagainsthimagain,thenarrativeseriouslyimpairstheintegrityofhistory.Whathedidsaywas:

"Itain"tno(hic!)nouse."Atman"ssodrunkhecan"tstan"stilllongenoughforamantohithim.I(hic!)Ican"t"fordtofoolawayanymoream"nitiononhim!"

Thatwaswhyhestoppedattheseventeenthround,anditwas,agoodplainmatter-of-factreason,too,andonethateasilycommendsitselftousbytheeloquent,persuasiveflavorofprobabilitythereisaboutit.

Ialwaysenjoyedthestory-booknarrative,butIfeltamarringmisgivingthateveryIndianatBraddock"sDefeatwhofiredatasoldieracoupleoftimes(twoeasilygrowstoseventeeninacentury),andmissedhim,jumpedtotheconclusionthattheGreatSpiritwasreservingthatsoldierforsomegrandmission;andsoIsomehowfearedthattheonlyreasonwhyWashington"scaseisrememberedandtheothersforgottenis,thatinhistheprophecy"cametrue,andinthatoftheothersitdidn"t.TherearenotbooksenoughonearthtocontaintherecordofthepropheciesIndiansandotherunauthorizedpartieshavemade;butonemaycarryinhisovercoatpocketstherecordofallthepropheciesthathavebeenfulfilled.

Iwillremarkhere,inpassing,thatcertainancestorsofminearesothoroughlywellknowninhistorybytheiraliases,thatIhavenotfeltittobeworthwhiletodwelluponthem,orevenmentionthemintheorderoftheirbirth.AmongthesemaybementionedRICHARDBRINSLEY

TWAIN,aliasGuyFawkes;JOHNWENTWORTHTWAIN,aliasSixteen-StringJack;

WILLIAMHOGARTHTWAIN,aliasJackSheppard;ANANIASTWAIN,aliasBaronMunchausen;JOHNGEORGETWAIN,aliasCapt.Kydd;andthemthereareGeorgeFrancisTrain,TomPepper,NebuchadnezzarandBaalam"sAss——theyallbelongtoourfamily,buttoabranchofitsomewhatdistantlyremovedfromthehonorabledirectline——infact,acollateralbranch,whosememberschieflydifferfromtheancientstockinthat,inordertoacquirethenotorietywehavealwaysyearnedandhungeredfor,theyhavegotintoalowwayofgoingtojailinsteadofgettinghanged.

Itisnotwell;whenwritinganautobiography,tofollowyourancestrydowntooclosetoyourowntime——itissafesttospeakonlyvaguelyofyourgreat-grandfather,andthenskipfromtheretoyourself,whichInowdo.

Iwasbornwithoutteeth——andthereRichardIIIhadtheadvantageofme;

butIwasbornwithoutahumpback,likewise,andthereIhadtheadvantageofhim.Myparentswereneitherverypoornorconspicuouslyhonest.

Butnowathoughtoccurstome.Myownhistorywouldreallyseemsotamecontrastedwiththatofmyancestors,thatitissimplywisdomtoleaveitunwrittenuntilIamhanged.IfsomeotherbiographiesIhavereadhadstoppedwiththeancestryuntilalikeeventoccurred,itwouldhavebeenafelicitousthing,forthereadingpublic.Howdoesitstrikeyou?

AWFUL,TERRIBLE

MEDIEVALROMANCE

CHAPTERI

THESECRETREVEALED.

Itwasnight.StillnessreignedinthegrandoldfeudalcastleofKlugenstein.Theyear1222wasdrawingtoaclose.Farawayupinthetallestofthecastle"stowersasinglelightglimmered.Asecretcouncilwasbeingheldthere.ThesternoldlordofKlugensteinsatinachairofstatemeditating.Presentlyhe,said,withatenderaccent:

"Mydaughter!"

Ayoungmanofnoblepresence,cladfromheadtoheelinknightlymail,answered:

"Speak,father!"

"Mydaughter,thetimeiscomefortherevealingofthemysterythathathpuzzledallyouryounglife.Know,then,thatithaditsbirthinthematterswhichIshallnowunfold.MybrotherUlrichisthegreatDukeofBrandenburgh.Ourfather,onhisdeathbed,decreedthatifnosonwereborntoUlrich,thesuccessionshouldpasstomyhouse,providedasonwereborntome.Andfurther,incasenoson,wereborntoeither,butonlydaughters,thenthesuccessionshouldpasstoUlrich"sdaughter,ifsheprovedstainless;ifshedidnot,mydaughtershouldsucceed,ifsheretainedablamelessname.AndsoI,andmyoldwifehere,prayedferventlyforthegoodboonofason,buttheprayerwasvain.Youwereborntous.Iwasindespair.Isawthemightyprizeslippingfrommygrasp,thesplendiddreamvanishingaway.AndIhadbeensohopeful!

FiveyearshadUlrichlivedinwedlock,andyethiswifehadbornenoheirofeithersex.

""Buthold,"Isaid,"allisnotlost."Asavingschemehadshotathwartmybrain.Youwerebornatmidnight.Onlytheleech,thenurse,andsixwaiting-womenknewyoursex.Ihangedthemeveryonebeforeanhourhadsped.NextmorningallthebaronywentmadwithrejoicingovertheproclamationthatasonwasborntoKlugenstein,anheirtomightyBrandenburgh!Andwellthesecrethasbeenkept.Yourmother"sownsisternursedyourinfancy,andfromthattimeforwardwefearednothing.

"Whenyouweretenyearsold,adaughterwasborntoUlrich.Wegrieved,buthopedforgoodresultsfrommeasles,orphysicians,orothernaturalenemiesofinfancy,butwerealwaysdisappointed.Shelived,shethrove——

Heaven"smalisonuponher!Butitisnothing.Wearesafe.For,Ha-ha!havewenotason?AndisnotoursonthefutureDuke?Ourwell-

belovedConrad,isitnotso?——for,womanofeight-and-twentyyears——asyouare,mychild,noneothernamethanthathatheverfallentoyou!

"Nowithathcometopassthatagehathlaiditshanduponmybrother,andhewaxesfeeble.Thecaresofstatedotaxhimsore.ThereforehewillsthatyoushallcometohimandbealreadyDuke——inact,thoughnotyetinname.Yourservitorsareready——youjourneyforthto-night.

"Nowlistenwell.RemembereverywordIsay.ThereisalawasoldasGermanythatifanywomansitforasingleinstantinthegreatducalchairbeforeshehathbeenabsolutelycrownedinpresenceofthepeople,SHESHALLDIE!Soheedmy,words.Pretendhumility.PronounceyourjudgmentsfromthePremier"schair,whichstandsatthefootofthethrone.Dothisuntilyouarecrownedandsafe.Itisnotlikelythatyoursexwilleverbediscovered;butstillitisthepartofwisdomtomakeallthingsassafeasmaybeinthistreacherousearthlylife."

"Oh;myfather,isitforthismylifehathbeenalie!WasitthatI

mightcheatmyunoffendingcousinofherrights?Spareme,father,spareyourchild!"

"What,huzzy!Isthismyrewardfortheaugustfortunemybrainhaswroughtforthee?Bythebonesofmyfather,thispulingsentimentofthinebutillaccordswithmyhumor.

BetaketheetotheDuke,instantly!Andbewarehowthoumeddlestwithmypurpose!"