第3章

JULY26.

Ihaveoftendeterminednottoseehersofrequently.Butwhocouldkeepsucharesolution?EverydayIamexposedtothetemptation,andpromisefaithfullythatto-morrowIwillreallystayaway:but,whentomorrowcomes,Ifindsomeirresistiblereasonforseeingher;and,beforeIcanaccountforit,Iamwithheragain.Eithershehassaidonthepreviousevening"Youwillbesuretocallto-morrow,"——andwhocouldstayawaythen?——orshegivesmesomecommission,andIfinditessentialtotakehertheanswerinperson;orthedayisfine,andIwalktoWalheim;and,whenIamthere,itisonlyhalfaleaguefarthertoher.Iamwithinthecharmedatmosphere,andsoonfindmyselfatherside.Mygrandmotherusedtotellusastoryofamountainofloadstone.Whenanyvesselscamenearit,theywereinstantlydeprivedoftheirironwork:thenailsflewtothemountain,andtheunhappycrewperishedamidstthedisjointedplanks.

JULY30.

Albertisarrived,andImusttakemydeparture.Werehethebestandnoblestofmen,andIineveryrespecthisinferior,Icouldnotenduretoseehiminpossessionofsuchaperfectbeing.Possession!——enough,Wilhelm:herbetrothedishere,——afine,worthyfellow,whomonecannothelpliking.FortunatelyIwasnotpresentattheirmeeting.Itwouldhavebrokenmyheart!Andheissoconsiderate:hehasnotgivenCharlotteonekissinmypresence.Heavenrewardhimforit!Imustlovehimfortherespectwithwhichhetreatsher.Heshowsaregardforme,butforthisIsuspectIammoreindebtedtoCharlottethantohisownfancyforme.Womenhaveadelicatetactinsuchmatters,anditshouldbeso.Theycannotalwayssucceedinkeepingtworivalsontermswitheachother;but,whentheydo,theyaretheonlygainers.

IcannothelpesteemingAlbert.Thecoolnessofhistempercontrastsstronglywiththeimpetuosityofmine,whichIcannotconceal.Hehasagreatdealoffeeling,andisfullysensibleofthetreasurehepossessesinCharlotte.Heisfreefromill-humour,whichyouknowisthefaultIdetestmost.

Heregardsmeasamanofsense;andmyattachmenttoCharlotte,andtheinterestItakeinallthatconcernsher,augmenthistriumphandhislove.Ishallnotinquirewhetherhemaynotattimesteaseherwithsomelittlejealousies;asIknow,that,wereIinhisplace,Ishouldnotbeentirelyfreefromsuchsensations.

But,bethatasitmay,mypleasurewithCharlotteisover.Callitfollyorinfatuation,whatsignifiesaname?Thethingspeaksforitself.BeforeAlbertcame,IknewallthatIknownow.IknewIcouldmakenopretensionstoher,nordidIofferany,thatis,asfarasitwaspossible,inthepresenceofsomuchloveliness,nottopantforitsenjoyment.Andnow,beholdmelikeasillyfellow,staringwithastonishmentwhenanothercomesin,anddeprivesmeofmylove.

Ibitemylips,andfeelinfinitescornforthosewhotellmetoberesigned,becausethereisnohelpforit.Letmeescapefromtheyokeofsuchsillysubterfuges!Iramblethroughthewoods;andwhenIreturntoCharlotte,andfindAlbertsittingbyhersideinthesummer-houseinthegarden,Iamunabletobearit,behavelikeafool,andcommitathousandextravagances."ForHeaven"ssake,"saidCharlottetoday,"letushavenomoresceneslikethoseoflastnight!Youterrifymewhenyouaresoviolent."Betweenourselves,Iamalwaysawaynowwhenhevisitsher:andIfeeldelightedwhenIfindheralone.

AUGUST8.

Believeme,dearWilhelm,IdidnotalludetoyouwhenIspokesoseverelyofthosewhoadviseresignationtoinevitablefate.Ididnotthinkitpossibleforyoutoindulgesuchasentiment.Butinfactyouareright.Ionlysuggestoneobjection.Inthisworldoneisseldomreducedtomakeaselectionbetweentwoalternatives.Thereareasmanyvarietiesofconductandopinionasthereareturnsoffeaturebetweenanaquilinenoseandaflatone.

Youwill,therefore,permitmetoconcedeyourentireargument,andyetcontrivemeanstoescapeyourdilemma.

Yourpositionisthis,Ihearyousay:"EitheryouhavehopesofobtainingCharlotte,oryouhavenone.Well,inthefirstcase,pursueyourcourse,andpressontothefulfilmentofyourwishes.Inthesecond,beaman,andshakeoffamiserablepassion,whichwillenervateanddestroyyou."Mydearfriend,thisiswellandeasilysaid.

Butwouldyourequireawretchedbeing,whoselifeisslowlywastingunderalingeringdisease,todespatchhimselfatoncebythestrokeofadagger?Doesnottheverydisorderwhichconsumeshisstrengthdeprivehimofthecouragetoeffecthisdeliverance?

Youmayanswerme,ifyouplease,withasimilaranalogy,"Whowouldnotprefertheamputationofanarmtotheperilingoflifebydoubtandprocrastination!"ButIknownotifIamright,andletusleavethesecomparisons.

Enough!Therearemoments,Wilhelm,whenIcouldriseupandshakeitalloff,andwhen,ifIonlyknewwheretogo,Icouldflyfromthisplace.

THESAMEEVENING.

Mydiary,whichIhaveforsometimeneglected,camebeforemetoday;andIamamazedtoseehowdeliberatelyIhaveentangledmyselfstepbystep.Tohaveseenmypositionsoclearly,andyettohaveactedsolikeachild!EvenstillIbeholdtheresultplainly,andyethavenothoughtofactingwithgreaterprudence.

AUGUSTlO.

IfIwerenotafool,Icouldspendthehappiestandmostdelightfullifehere.Somanyagreeablecircumstances,andofakindtoensureaworthyman"shappiness,areseldomunited.Alas!Ifeelittoosensibly,——theheartalonemakesourhappiness!Tobeadmittedintothismostcharmingfamily,tobelovedbythefatherasason,bythechildrenasafather,andbyCharlotte!thenthenobleAlbert,whoneverdisturbsmyhappinessbyanyappearanceofill-humour,receivingmewiththeheartiestaffection,andlovingme,nexttoCharlotte,betterthanalltheworld!Wilhelm,youwouldbedelightedtohearusinourrambles,andconversationsaboutCharlotte.Nothingintheworldcanbemoreabsurdthanourconnection,andyetthethoughtofitoftenmovesmetotears.

Hetellsmesometimesofherexcellentmother;how,uponherdeath-bed,shehadcommittedherhouseandchildrentoCharlotte,andhadgivenCharlotteherselfinchargetohim;how,sincethattime,anewspirithadtakenpossessionofher;how,incareandanxietyfortheirwelfare,shebecamearealmothertothem;howeverymomentofhertimewasdevotedtosomelabourofloveintheirbehalf,——andyethermirthandcheerfulnesshadneverforsakenher.Iwalkbyhisside,pluckflowersbytheway,arrangethemcarefullyintoanosegay,thenflingthemintothefirststreamIpass,andwatchthemastheyfloatgentlyaway.IforgetwhetherItoldyouthatAlbertistoremainhere.Hehasreceivedagovernmentappointment,withaverygoodsalary;andIunderstandheisinhighfavouratcourt.Ihavemetfewpersonssopunctualandmethodicalinbusiness.

AUGUST12.

CertainlyAlbertisthebestfellowintheworld.Ihadastrangescenewithhimyesterday.Iwenttotakeleaveofhim;forItookitintomyheadtospendafewdaysinthesemountains,fromwhereInowwritetoyou.AsIwaswalkingupanddownhisroom,myeyefelluponhispistols."Lendmethosepistols,"saidI,"formyjourney.""Byallmeans,"hereplied,"ifyouwilltakethetroubletoloadthem;fortheyonlyhangthereforform."Itookdownoneofthem;andhecontinued,"EversinceIwasnearsufferingformyextremecaution,Iwillhavenothingtodowithsuchthings."Iwascurioustohearthestory."Iwasstaying,"saidhe,"somethreemonthsago,atafriend"shouseinthecountry.Ihadabraceofpistolswithme,unloaded;andIsleptwithoutanyanxiety.OnerainyafternoonIwassittingbymyself,doingnothing,whenitoccurredtomeIdonotknowhowthatthehousemightbeattacked,thatwemightrequirethepistols,thatwemightinshort,youknowhowwegoonfancying,whenwehavenothingbettertodo.Igavethepistolstotheservant,tocleanandload.Hewasplayingwiththemaid,andtryingtofrightenher,whenthepistolwentoff——Godknowshow!——theramrodwasinthebarrel;anditwentstraightthroughherrighthand,andshatteredthethumb.Ihadtoendureallthelamentation,andtopaythesurgeon"sbill;so,sincethattime,Ihavekeptallmyweaponsunloaded.But,mydearfriend,whatistheuseofprudence?Wecanneverbeonourguardagainstallpossibledangers.However,"——now,youmustknowIcantolerateallmentilltheycometo"however;"——foritisself-evidentthateveryuniversalrulemusthaveitsexceptions.Butheissoexceedinglyaccurate,that,ifheonlyfancieshehassaidawordtooprecipitate,ortoogeneral,oronlyhalftrue,heneverceasestoqualify,tomodify,andextenuate,tillatlastheappearstohavesaidnothingatall.Uponthisoccasion,Albertwasdeeplyimmersedinhissubject:Iceasedtolistentohim,andbecamelostinreverie.Withasuddenmotion,Ipointedthemouthofthepistoltomyforehead,overtherighteye."Whatdovoumean?"criedAlbert,turningbackthepistol."Itisnotloaded,"saidI."Andevenifnot,"heansweredwithimpatience,"whatcanyoumean?Icannotcornprehendhowamancanbesomadastoshoothimself,andthebareideaofitshocksme."

"Butwhyshouldanyone,"saidI,"inspeakingofanaction,venturetopronounceitmadorwise,orgoodorbad?Whatisthemeaningofallthis?Haveyoucarefullystudiedthesecretmotivesofouractions?Doyouunderstand——canyouexplainthecauseswhichoccasionthem,andmaketheminevitable?Ifyoucan,youwillbelesshastywithyourdecision."

"Butyouwillallow,"saidAlbert;"thatsomeactionsarecriminal,letthemspringfromwhatevermotivestheymay."Igrantedit,andshruggedmyshoulders.

"Butstill,mygoodfriend,"Icontinued,"therearesomeexceptionsheretoo.Theftisacrime;butthemanwhocommitsitfromextremepoverty,withnodesignbuttosavehisfamilyfromperishing,isheanobjectofpity,orofpunishment?Whoshallthrowthefirststoneatahusband,who,intheheatofjustresentment,sacrificeshisfaithlesswifeandherperfidiousseducer?orattheyoungmaiden,who,inherweakhourofrapture,forgetsherselfintheimpetuousjoysoflove?Evenourlaws,coldandcruelastheyare,relentinsuchcases,andwithholdtheirpunishment."

"Thatisquiteanotherthing,"saidAlbert;"becauseamanundertheinfluenceofviolentpassionlosesalIpowerofreflection,andisregardedasintoxicatedorinsane."

"Oh!youpeopleofsoundunderstandings,"Ireplied,smiling,"areeverreadytoexclaim"Extravagance,andmadness,andintoxication!"Youmoralmenaresocalmandsosubdued!Youabhorthedrunkenman,anddetesttheextravagant;youpassby,liketheLevite,andthankGod,likethePharisee,thatyouarenotlikeoneofthem.Ihavebeenmorethanonceintoxicated,mypassionshavealwaysborderedonextravagance:Iamnotashamedtoconfessit;forIhavelearned,bymyownexperience,thatallextraordinarymen,whohaveaccomplishedgreatandastonishingactions,haveeverbeendecriedbytheworldasdrunkenorinsane.Andinprivatelife,too,isitnotintolerablethatnoonecanundertaketheexecutionofanobleorgenerousdeed,withoutgivingrisetotheexclamationthatthedoerisintoxicatedormad?Shameuponyou,yesages!"

"Thisisanotherofyourextravaganthumours,"saidAlbert:"youalwaysexaggerateacase,andinthismatteryouareundoubtedlywrong;forwewerespeakingofsuicide,whichyoucomparewithgreatactions,whenitisimpossibletoregarditasanythingbutaweakness.Itismucheasiertodiethantobearalifeofmiserywithfortitude."

Iwasonthepointofbreakingofftheconversation,fornothingputsmesocompletelyoutofpatienceastheutteranceofawretchedcommonplacewhenIamtalkingfrommyinmostheart.However,Icomposedmyself,forIhadoftenheardthesameobservationwithsufficientvexation;andIansweredhim,therefore,withalittlewarmth,"Youcallthisaweakness——bewareofbeingledastraybyappearances.Whenanation,whichhaslonggroanedundertheintolerableyokeofatyrant,risesatlastandthrowsoffitschains,doyoucallthatweakness?Themanwho,torescuehishousefromtheflames,findshisphysicalstrengthredoubled,sothatheliftsburdenswithease,which,intheabsenceofexcitement,hecouldscarcelymove;hewho,undertherageofaninsult,attacksandputstoflighthalfascoreofhisenemies,aresuchpersonstobecalledweak?Mygoodfriend,ifresistancebestrength,howcanthehighestdegreeofresistancebeaweakness?"

Albertlookedsteadfastlyatme,andsaid,"Prayforgiveme,butIdonotseethattheexamplesyouhaveadducedbearanyrelationtothequestion.""Verylikely,"Ianswered;"forIhaveoftenbeentoldthatmystyleofillustrationbordersalittleontheabsurd.Butletusseeifwecannotplacethematterinanotherpointofview,byinquiringwhatcanbeaman"sstateofmindwhoresolvestofreehimselffromtheburdenoflife,——aburdenoftensopleasanttobear,——forwecannototherwisereasonfairlyuponthesubject.

"Humannature,"Icontinued,"hasitslimits.Itisabletoendureacertaindegreeofjoy,sorrow,andpain,butbecomesannihilatedassoonasthismeasureisexceeded.Thequestion,therefore,is,notwhetheramanisstrongorweak,butwhetherheisabletoendurethemeasureofhissufferings.Thesufferingmaybemoralorphysical;andinmyopinionitisjustasabsurdtocallamanacowardwhodestroyshimself,astocallamanacowardwhodiesofamalignantfever."

"Paradox,allparadox!"exclaimedAlbert."Notsoparadoxicalasyouimagine,"Ireplied."Youallowthatwedesignateadiseaseasmortalwhennatureissoseverelyattacked,andherstrengthsofarexhausted,thatshecannotpossiblyrecoverherformerconditionunderanychangethatmaytakeplace.

"Now,mygoodfriend,applythistothemind;observeamaninhisnatural,isolatedcondition;considerhowideaswork,andhowimpressionsfastenonhim,tillatlengthaviolentpassionseizeshim,destroyingallhispowersofcalmreflection,andutterlyruininghim.

"Itisinvainthatamanofsoundmindandcooltemperunderstandstheconditionofsuchawretchedbeing,invainhecounselshim.Hecannomorecommunicatehisownwisdomtohimthanahealthymancaninstilhisstrengthintotheinvalid,bywhosebedsideheisseated."

Albertthoughtthistoogeneral.Iremindedhimofagirlwhohaddrownedherselfashorttimepreviously,andIrelatedherhistory.

Shewasagoodcreature,whohadgrownupinthenarrowsphereofhouseholdindustryandweeklyappointedlabour;onewhoknewnopleasurebeyondindulginginawalkonSundays,arrayedinherbestattire,accompaniedbyherfriends,orperhapsjoininginthedancenowandthenatsomefestival,andchattingawayhersparehourswithaneighbour,discussingthescandalorthequarrelsofthevillage,triflessufficienttooccupyherheart.Atlengththewarmthofhernatureisinfluencedbycertainnewandunknownwishes.Inflamedbytheflatteriesofmen,herformerpleasuresbecomebydegreesinsipid,tillatlengthshemeetswithayouthtowhomsheisattractedbyanindescribablefeeling;uponhimshenowrestsallherhopes;sheforgetstheworldaroundher;shesees,hears,desiresnothingbuthim,andhimonly.Healoneoccupiesallherthoughts.Uncorruptedbytheidleindulgenceofanenervatingvanity,heraffectionmovingsteadilytowarditsobject,shehopestobecomehis,andtorealise,inaneverlastingunionwithhim,allthathappinesswhichshesought,allthatblissforwhichshelonged.Hisrepeatedpromisesconfirmherhopes:embracesandendearments,whichincreasetheardourofherdesires,overmasterhersoul.Shefloatsinadim,delusiveanticipationofherhappiness;andherfeelingsbecomeexcitedtotheirutmosttension.Shestretchesoutherarmsfinallytoembracetheobjectofallherwishesandherloverforsakesher.Stunnedandbewildered,shestandsuponaprecipice.Allisdarknessaroundher.Noprospect,nohope,noconsolation——forsakenbyhiminwhomherexistencewascentred!Sheseesnothingofthewideworldbeforeher,thinksnothingofthemanyindividualswhomightsupplythevoidinherheart;shefeelsherselfdeserted,forsakenbytheworld;and,blindedandimpelledbytheagonywhichwringshersoul,sheplungesintothedeep,toendhersufferingsinthebroadembraceofdeath.Seehere,Albert,thehistoryofthousands;andtellme,isnotthisacaseofphysicalinfirmity?Naturehasnowaytoescapefromthelabyrinth:herpowersareexhausted:shecancontendnolonger,andthepoorsoulmustdie.

"Shameuponhimwhocanlookoncalmly,andexclaim,"Thefoolishgirl!sheshouldhavewaited;sheshouldhaveallowedtimetowearofftheimpression;herdespairwouldhavebeensoftened,andshewouldhavefoundanotherlovertocomforther."Onemightaswellsay,"Thefool,todieofafever!whydidhenotwaittillhisstrengthwasrestored,tillhisbloodbecamecalm?allwouldthenhavegonewell,andhewouldhavebeenalivenow.""

Albert,whocouldnotseethejusticeofthecomparison,offeredsomefurtherobjections,and,amongstothers,urgedthatIhadtakenthecaseofamereignorantgirl.Buthowanymanofsense,ofmoreenlargedviewsandexperience,couldbeexcused,hewasunabletocomprehend."Myfriend!"Iexclaimed,"manisbutman;and,whateverbetheextentofhisreasoningpowers,theyareoflittleavailwhenpassionrageswithin,andhefeelshimselfconfinedbythenarrowlimitsofnature.Itwerebetter,then——butwewilltalkofthissomeothertime,"Isaid,andcaughtupmyhat.Alas!myheartwasfull;andwepartedwithoutconvictiononeitherside.Howrarelyinthisworlddomenunderstandeachother!

AUGUST15.

Therecanbenodoubtthatinthisworldnothingissoindispensableaslove.IobservethatCharlottecouldnotlosemewithoutapang,andtheverychildrenhavebutonewish;thatis,thatIshouldvisitthemagainto-morrow.IwentthisafternoontotuneCharlotte"spiano.ButIcouldnotdoit,forthelittleonesinsistedonmytellingthemastory;andCharlotteherselfurgedmetosatisfythem.Iwaiteduponthemattea,andtheyarenowasfullycontentedwithmeaswithCharlotte;andItoldthemmyverybesttaleoftheprincesswhowaswaiteduponbydwarfs.Iimprovemyselfbythisexercise,andamquitesurprisedattheimpressionmystoriescreate.IfIsometimesinventanincidentwhichIforgetuponthenextnarration,theyremindonedirectlythatthestorywasdifferentbefore;sothatInowendeavourtorelatewithexactnessthesameanecdoteinthesamemonotonoustone,whichneverchanges.Ifindbythis,howmuchanauthorinjureshisworksbyalteringthem,eventhoughtheybeimprovedinapoeticalpointofview.Thefirstimpressionisreadilyreceived.Wearesoconstitutedthatwebelievethemostincrediblethings;and,oncetheyareengraveduponthememory,woetohimwhowouldendeavourtoeffacethem.

AUGUST18.

Mustiteverbethus,——thatthesourceofourhappinessmustalsobethefountainofourmisery?Thefullandardentsentimentwhichanimatedmyheartwiththeloveofnature,overwhelmingmewithatorrentofdelight,andwhichbroughtallparadisebeforeme,hasnowbecomeaninsupportabletorment,ademonwhichperpetuallypursuesandharassesme.WheninbygonedaysIgazedfromtheserocksuponyondermountainsacrosstheriver,anduponthegreen,floweryvalleybeforeme,andsawalInaturebuddingandburstingaround;thehillsclothedfromfoottopeakwithtall,thickforesttrees;thevalleysinalltheirvariedwindings,shadedwiththeloveliestwoods;andthesoftriverglidingalongamongstthelispingreeds,mirroringthebeautifulcloudswhichthesofteveningbreezewaftedacrossthesky,——whenIheardthegrovesaboutmemelodiouswiththemusicofbirds,andsawthemillionswarmsofinsectsdancinginthelastgoldenbeamsofthesun,whosesettingraysawokethehummingbeetlesfromtheirgrassybeds,whilstthesubduedtumultarounddirectedmyattentiontotheground,andIthereobservedthearidrockcompelledtoyieldnutrimenttothedrymoss,whilsttheheathflourisheduponthebarrensandsbelowme,allthisdisplayedtometheinnerwarmthwhichanimatesallnature,andfilledandglowedwithinmyheart.IfeltmyselfexaltedbythisoverflowingfulnesstotheperceptionoftheGodhead,andthegloriousformsofaninfiniteuniversebecamevisibletomysoul!Stupendousmountainsencompassedme,abyssesyawnedatmyfeet,andcataractsfellheadlongdownbeforeme;impetuousriversrolledthroughtheplain,androcksandmountainsresoundedfromafar.InthedepthsoftheearthIsawinnumerablepowersinmotion,andmultiplyingtoinfinity;whilstuponitssurface,andbeneaththeheavens,thereteemedtenthousandvarietiesoflivingcreatures.Everythingaroundisalivewithaninfinitenumberofforms;whilemankindflyforsecuritytotheirpettyhouses,fromtheshelterofwhichtheyruleintheirimaginationsoverthewide-extendeduniverse.Poorfool!inwhosepettyestimationallthingsarelittle.Fromtheinaccessiblemountains,acrossthedesertwhichnomortalfoothastrod,farastheconfinesoftheunknownocean,breathesthespiritoftheeternalCreator;andeveryatomtowhichhehasgivenexistencefindsfavourinhissight.Ah,howoftenatthattimehastheflightofabird,soaringabovemyhead,inspiredmewiththedesireofbeingtransportedtotheshoresoftheimmeasurablewaters,theretoquaffthepleasuresoflifefromthefoaminggobletoftheInfinite,andtopartake,ifbutforamomenteven,withtheconfinedpowersofmysoul,thebeatitudeofthatCreatorwhoaccomplishesallthingsinhimself,andthroughhimself!

Mydearfriend,thebarerecollectionofthosehoursstillconsolesme.Eventhisefforttorecallthoseineffablesensations,andgivethemutterance,exaltsmysoulaboveitself,andmakesmedoublyfeeltheintensityofmypresentanguish.

Itisasifacurtainhadbeendrawnfrombeforemyeyes,and,insteadofprospectsofeternallife,theabyssofaneveropengraveyawnedbeforeme.Canwesayofanythingthatitexistswhenallpassesaway,whentime,withthespeedofastorm,carriesallthingsonward,——andourtransitoryexistence,hurriedalongbythetorrent,iseitherswallowedupbythewavesordashedagainsttherocks?Thereisnotamomentbutpreysuponyou,——anduponallaroundyou,notamomentinwhichyoudonotyourselfbecomeadestroyer.Themostinnocentwalkdeprivesoflifethousandsofpoorinsects:onestepdestroysthefabricoftheindustriousant,andconvertsalittleworldintochaos.No:itisnotthegreatandrarecalamitiesoftheworld,thefloodswhichsweepawaywholevillages,theearthquakeswhichswallowupourtowns,thataffectme.Myheartiswastedbythethoughtofthatdestructivepowerwhichliesconcealedineverypartofuniversalnature.Naturehasformednothingthatdoesnotconsumeitself,andeveryobjectnearit:sothat,surroundedbyearthandair,andalltheactivepowers,Iwanderonmywaywithachingheart;andtheuniverseistomeafearfulmonster,foreverdevouringitsownoffspring.

AUGUST21.

InvaindoIstretchoutmyarmstowardherwhenIawakeninthemorningfrommywearyslumbers.InvaindoIseekforheratnightinmybed,whensomeinnocentdreamhashappilydeceivedme,andplacedhernearmeinthefields,whenIhaveseizedherhandandcovereditwithcountlesskisses.AndwhenIfeelforherinthehalfconfusionofsleep,withthehappysensethatsheisnear,tearsflowfrommyoppressedheart;and,bereftofallcomfort,Iweepovermyfuturewoes.

AUGUST22.

Whatamisfortune,Wilhelm!Myactivespiritshavedegeneratedintocontentedindolence.Icannotbeidle,andyetIamunabletosettowork.Icannotthink:Ihavenolongeranyfeelingforthebeautiesofnature,andbooksaredistastefultome.Oncewegiveourselvesup,wearetotallylost.ManyatimeandoftIwishIwereacommonlabourer;that,awakeninginthemorning,Imighthavebutoneprospect,onepursuit,onehope,forthedaywhichhasdawned.IoftenenvyAlbertwhenIseehimburiedinaheapofpapersandparchments,andIfancyIshouldbehappywereIinhisplace.OftenimpressedwiththisfeelingIhavebeenonthepointofwritingtoyouandtotheminister,fortheappointmentattheembassy,whichyouthinkImightobtain.IbelieveImightprocureit.Theministerhaslongshownaregardforme,andhasfrequentlyurgedmetoseekemployment.Itisthebusinessofanhouronly.Nowandthenthefableofthehorserecurstome.Wearyofliberty,hesufferedhimselftobesaddledandbridled,andwasriddentodeathforhispains.Iknownotwhattodetermineupon.Forisnotthisanxietyforchangetheconsequenceofthatrestlessspiritwhichwouldpursuemeequallyineverysituationoflife?

AUGUST28.

Ifmyillswouldadmitofanycure,theywouldcertainlybecuredhere.Thisismybirthday,andearlyinthemorningIreceivedapacketfromAlbert.Uponopeningit,IfoundoneofthepinkribbonswhichCharlotteworeinherdressthefirsttimeIsawher,andwhichIhadseveraltimesaskedhertogiveme.WithitweretwovolumesinduodecimoofWetstein"s"Homer,"abookIhadoftenwishedfor,tosavemetheinconvenienceofcarryingthelargeErnestineeditionwithmeuponmywalks.Youseehowtheyanticipatemywishes,howwelltheyunderstandallthoselittleattentionsoffriendship,sosuperiortothecostlypresentsofthegreat,whicharehumiliating.Ikissedtheribbonathousandtimes,andineverybreathinhaledtheremembranceofthosehappyandirrevocabledayswhichfilledmewiththekeenestjoy.Such,Wilhelm,isourfate.Idonotmurmuratit:theflowersoflifearebutvisionary.Howmanypassaway,andleavenotracebehind——howfewyieldanyfruit——andthefruititself,howrarelydoesitripen!Andyetthereareflowersenough!andisitnotstrange,myfriend,thatweshouldsufferthelittlethatdoesreallyripen,torot,decay,andperishunenjoyed?Farewell!Thisisaglorioussummer.IoftenclimbintothetreesinCharlotte"sorchard,andshakedownthepearsthathangonthehighestbranches.Shestandsbelow,andcatchesthemastheyfall.

AUGUST3O.

UnhappybeingthatIam!WhydoIthusdeceivemyself?Whatistocomeofallthiswild,aimless,endlesspassion?Icannotprayexcepttoher.Myimaginationseesnothingbuther:allsurroundingobjectsareofnoaccount,exceptastheyrelatetoher.InthisdreamystateIenjoymanyhappyhours,tillatlengthIfeelcompelledtotearmyselfawayfromher.Ah,Wilhelm,towhatdoesnotmyheartoftencompelme!WhenIhavespentseveralhoursinhercompany,tillIfeelcompletelyabsorbedbyherfigure,hergrace,thedivineexpressionofherthoughts,mymindbecomesgraduallyexcitedtothehighestexcess,mysightgrowsdim,myhearingconfused,mybreathingoppressedasifbythehandofamurderer,andmybeatingheartseekstoobtainreliefformyachingsenses.IamsometimesunconsciouswhetherIreallyexist.IfinsuchmomentsIfindnosympathy,andCharlottedoesnotallowmetoenjoythemelancholyconsolationofbathingherhandwithmytears,Ifeelcompelledtotearmyselffromher,whenIeitherwanderthroughthecountry,climbsomeprecipitouscliff,orforceapaththroughthetracklessthicket,whereIamlaceratedandtornbythornsandbriers;andthenceIfindrelief.SometimesIliestretchedontheground,overcomewithfatigueanddyingwiththirst;sometimes,lateinthenight,whenthemoonshinesaboveme,Ireclineagainstanagedtreeinsomesequesteredforest,torestmywearylimbs,when,exhaustedandworn,Isleeptillbreakofday.OWilhelm!thehermit"scell,hissackcloth,andgirdleofthornswouldbeluxuryandindulgencecomparedwithwhatIsuffer.Adieu!Iseenoendtothiswretchednessexceptthegrave.

SEPTEMBER3.

Imustaway.Thankyou,Wilhelm,fordeterminingmywaveringpurpose.ForawholefortnightIhavethoughtofleavingher.Imustaway.Shehasreturnedtotown,andisatthehouseofafriend.Andthen,Albert——yes,Imustgo.

SEPTEMBER1O.

Oh,whatanight,Wilhelm!Icanhenceforthbearanything.Ishallneverseeheragain.Oh,whycannotIfallonyourneck,and,withfloodsoftearsandraptures,giveutterancetoallthepassionswhichdistractmyheart!HereIsitgaspingforbreath,andstrugglingtocomposemyself.Iwaitforday,andatsunrisethehorsesaretobeatthedoor.

Andsheissleepingcalmly,littlesuspectingthatshehasseenmeforthelasttime.Iamfree.Ihavehadthecourage,inaninterviewoftwohours"duration,nottobetraymyintention.AndOWilhelm,whataconversationitwas!

AlberthadpromisedtocometoCharlotteinthegardenimmediatelyaftersupper.Iwasupontheterraceunderthetallchestnuttrees,andwatchedthesettingsun.Isawhimsinkforthelasttimebeneaththisdelightfulvalleyandsilentstream.IhadoftenvisitedthesamespotwithCharlotte,andwitnessedthatglorioussight;andnow——Iwaswalkingupanddowntheveryavenuewhichwassodeartome.AsecretsympathyhadfrequentlydrawnmethitherbeforeIknewCharlotte;andweweredelightedwhen,inourearlyacquaintance,wediscoveredthatweeachlovedthesamespot,whichisindeedasromanticasanythatevercaptivatedthefancyofanartist.

Frombeneaththechestnuttrees,thereisanextensiveview.ButIrememberthatIhavementionedallthisinaformerletter,andhavedescribedthetallmassofbeechtreesattheend,andhowtheavenuegrowsdarkeranddarkerasitwindsitswayamongthem,tillitendsinagloomyrecess,whichhasallthecharmofamysterioussolitude.IstillrememberthestrangefeelingofmelancholywhichcameovermethefirsttimeIenteredthatdarkretreat,atbrightmidday.Ifeltsomesecretforebodingthatitwould,oneday,betomethesceneofsomehappinessormisery.

Ihadspenthalfanhourstrugglingbetweenthecontendingthoughtsofgoingandreturning,whenIheardthemcominguptheterrace.Irantomeetthem.ItrembledasItookherhand,andkissedit.Aswereachedthetopoftheterrace,themoonrosefrombehindthewoodedhill.Weconversedonmanysubjects,and,withoutperceivingit,approachedthegloomyrecess.Charlotteentered,andsatdown.Albertseatedhimselfbesideher.Ididthesame,butmyagitationdidnotsuffermetoremainlongseated.Igotup,andstoodbeforeher,thenwalkedbackwardandforward,andsatdownagain.Iwasrestlessandmiserable.Charlottedrewourattentiontothebeautifuleffectofthemoonlight,whichthrewasilverhueovertheterraceinfrontofus,beyondthebeechtrees.Itwasaglorioussight,andwasrenderedmorestrikingbythedarknesswhichsurroundedthespotwherewewere.Weremainedforsometimesilent,whenCharlotteobserved,"WheneverIwalkbymoonlight,itbringstomyremembranceallmybelovedanddepartedfriends,andIamfilledwiththoughtsofdeathandfuturity.Weshallliveagain,Werther!"shecontinued,withafirmbutfeelingvoice;"butshallweknowoneanotheragainwhatdoyouthink?whatdoyousay?"

"Charlotte,"Isaid,asItookherhandinmine,andmyeyesfilledwithtears,"weshallseeeachotheragain——hereandhereafterweshallmeetagain."Icouldsaynomore.Why,Wilhelm,shouldsheputthisquestiontome,justatthemonentwhenthefearofourcruelseparationfilledmyheart?

"Andoh!dothosedepartedonesknowhowweareemployedhere?dotheyknowwhenwearewellandhappy?dotheyknowwhenwerecalltheirmemorieswiththefondestlove?Inthesilenthourofeveningtheshadeofmymotherhoversaroundme;whenseatedinthemidstofmychildren,Iseethemassemblednearme,astheyusedtoassemblenearher;andthenIraisemyanxiouseyestoheaven,andwishshecouldlookdownuponus,andwitnesshowIfulfilthepromiseImadetoherinherlastmoments,tobeamothertoherchildren.WithwhatemotiondoIthenexclaim,"Pardon,dearestofmothers,pardonme,ifIdonotadequatelysupplyyourplace!Alas!Idomyutmost.Theyareclothedandfed;and,stillbetter,theyarelovedandeducated.Couldyoubutsee,sweetsaint!thepeaceandharmonythatdwellsamongstus,youwouldglorifyGodwiththewarmestfeelingsofgratitude,towhom,inyourlasthour,youaddressedsuchferventprayersforourhappiness.""Thusdidsheexpressherself;butOWilhelm!whocandojusticetoherlanguage?howcancoldandpassionlesswordsconveytheheavenlyexpressionsofthespirit?Albertinterruptedhergently."Thisaffectsyoutoodeeply,mydearCharlotte.Iknowyoursouldwellsonsuchrecollectionswlthintensedelight;butIimplore——""OAlbert!"shecontinued,"Iamsureyoudonotforgettheeveningswhenwethreeusedtositatthelittleroundtable,whenpapawasabsent,andthelittleoneshadretired.Youoftenhadagoodbookwithyou,butseldomreadit;theconversationofthatnoblebeingwaspreferabletoeverything,——thatbeautiful,bright,gentle,andyetever-toilingwoman.GodaloneknowshowIhavesupplicatedwithtearsonmynightlycouch,thatImightbelikeher."

Ithrewmyselfatherfeet,and,seizingherhand,bedeweditwithathousandtears."Charlotte!"Iexclaimed,"God"sblessingandyourmother"sspiritareuponyou.""Oh!thatyouhadknownher,"shesaid,withawarmpressureofthehand."Shewasworthyofbeingknowntoyou."IthoughtIshouldhavefainted:neverhadIreceivedpraisesoflattering.Shecontinued,"Andyetshewasdoomedtodieintheflowerofheryouth,whenheryoungestchildwasscarcelysixmonthsold.Herillnesswasbutshort,butshewascalmandresigned;anditwasonlyforherchildren,especiallytheyoungest,thatshefeltunhappy.Whenherenddrewnigh,shebademebringthemtoher.Iobeyed.Theyoungeronesknewnothingoftheirapproachingloss,whiletheelderoneswerequiteovercomewithgrief.Theystoodaroundthebed;andsheraisedherfeeblehandstoheaven,andprayedoverthem;then,kissingtheminturn,shedismissedthem,andsaidtome,"Beyouamothertothem."Igavehermyhand."Youarepromisingmuch,mychild,"shesaid:"amother"sfondnessandamother"scare!Ihaveoftenwitnessed,byyourtearsofgratitude,thatyouknowwhatisamother"stenderness:showittoyourbrothersandsisters,andbedutifulandfaithfultoyourfatherasawife;youwillbehiscomfort."Sheinquiredforhim.Hehadretiredtoconcealhisintolerableanguish,——hewasheartbroken,"Albert,youwereintheroom.Sheheardsomeonemoving:sheinquiredwhoitwas,anddesiredyoutoapproach.Shesurveyedusbothwithalookofcomposureandsatisfaction,expressiveofherconvictionthatweshouldbehappy,——happywithoneanother."Albertfelluponherneck,andkissedher,andexclaimed,"Weareso,andweshallbeso!"EvenAlbert,generallysotranquil,hadquitelosthiscomposure;andIwasexcitedbeyondexpression.

"Andsuchabeing,"Shecontinued,"wastoleaveus,Werther!GreatGod,mustwethuspartwitheverythingweholddearinthisworld?Nobodyfeltthismoreacutelythanthechildren:theycriedandlamentedforalongtimeafterward,complainingthatmenhadcarriedawaytheirdearmamma."

Charlotterose.Itarousedme;butIcontinuedsitting,andheldherhand."Letusgo,"shesaid:"itgrowslate."Sheattemptedtowithdrawherhand:Ihelditstill."Weshallseeeachotheragain,"Iexclaimed:"weshallrecogniseeachotherundereverypossiblechange!Iamgoing,"Icontinued,"goingwillingly;but,shouldIsayforever,perhapsImaynotkeepmyword.Adieu,Charlotte;adieu,Albert.Weshallmeetagain.""Yes:tomorrow,Ithink,"sheansweredwithasmile.Tomorrow!howIfelttheword!Ah!shelittlethought,whenshedrewherhandawayfrommine.Theywalkeddowntheavenue.Istoodgazingaftertheminthemoonlight.Ithrewmyselfupontheground,andwept:Ithensprangup,andranoutupontheterrace,andsaw,undertheshadeofthelinden-trees,herwhitedressdisappearingnearthegarden-gate.Istretchedoutmyarms,andshevanished.